DH falling asleep on date nights?

[PurplePeach83]

I would be grateful if some of you would gently (I've just been diagnosed with depression) tell me if I am being unreasonable. For the last few weeks, DH and I have planned a Friday night date night but each time, we have a meal, sit down for a cuddle and then DH either falls asleep or announces he is off to bed (in a very matter of fact way, not a suggestive 'come to bed with me' way). Then as soon as his head hits the pillow he's asleep, around 10.30. We haven't DTD for two weeks when it's usually at least twice a week.

I understand he works hard, but I can't help but feel rejected that he can't be bothered to stay awake for quality time just once a week. With my depression at the moment I rarely get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, whereas he gets 8 hrs uninterrupted. I'm tired, but I value the time with my DH more.

I tried to explain respectfully that it upsets me when he falls asleep so early on a date night but then he turned his back to me and mumbled sleepily that I always complain about everything and so he doesn't care anymore. He's gone to sleep now but I feel so upset as he knows I have been recently diagnosed with depression and have really been struggling to be optimistic.

AIBU to feel he should be making an effort for intimacy (eg. chatting or massage or sex) together on a Friday night or should I just accept that I'm obviously not very good company at the moment and leave him to it?

[JustSleepAlready]

Come back when you’ve not DTD for a year. You’re overthinking. He’s tired. I haven’t had a ‘date night’ with dh in about 7 or 8 years. At least you have that. I’d like to think I was worth the effort of a date night, but it cuts both ways I guess.

[PurplePeach83]

Babysharkdododont as I said in a pp it's not about the sex, and it is never expected. I only mention it because that is what used to happen quite naturally until recent weeks and the change may indicate a problem.

[PurplePeach83]

Kereh, the 2.5 hours includes meal prep, eating, tidying kitchen etc

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

@PurplePeach83

Kereh, the 2.5 hours includes meal prep, eating, tidying kitchen etc

Would it not be easier to just get a takeaway, if you can afford it? Or at least leave the tidying up?

It's not very...well, romantic to have to cook and clean up on a date night!

[PurplePeach83]

EyeDrops. No I think that is part of the problem, we do hug each other but hardly kiss during the day as we are each busy with our separate tasks, kids wanting things etc.

[PurplePeach83]

Yes you are probably right. Either takeaway or eat earlier with kids. We do actually enjoy cooking together, it's usually a simple stir fry or something.

[PurplePeach83]

@JustSleepAlready. Your situation sounds difficult and I hope it improves for you, but no date nights for 7 or 8 years might be fine for some couples who are finding other moments together but for our hectic life scheduling time had seemed a good thing for us til recently.

[GoWalkabout]

It's an oldie but a goodie, men are emotionally like rubber bands, sometimes more distant but if the relationship is generally good allow the distance and the closeness will return.
Have you got a self care night? Do something pampering for you that doesn't require anyone else. Even sex possibly.

[doctorhamster]

I can see this from both sides really. Quality time together is important but I think you probably need to find a way to do it earlier in the day. I wouldn't be able to stay awake past 10 if you paid me (work full time with early starts, a Dc with SEN etc etc)

[korawick12345]

@PurplePeach83

Hi sleepingstandingup. Yes, we have 4DH. The youngest two are 6 and 8 and both have SEN and are home schooled. DS8 will talk and ask questions all day in a rapid stream, which leaves little opportunity for us to talk in the day, despite DH working from home. We reserve 2 evenings a week for time with teens as the younger ones need a lot of attention during the day. We have one family night, then three left over, but with me doing a masters and DH running a business, we have found we need to schedule an evening where the kids all understand not to interrupt and let us have the living room and dining room etc.

Just reading this left me exhausted! No wonder he is knackered. I think him sleeping is entirely reasonable. I think your current mental state may be making you feel a little over sensitive. Hope you can work it out.

[PurplePeach83]

@GoWalkabout. Yes, that does sound tempting to have a pamper night. I will give that a go. Maybe a bit of breathing space is all we need.

[PurplePeach83]

I'm going for a walk now, thanks for everyone's advice. I think I will try and relax about it, as some have said, my emotional state is probably making me overthink and worry. I'll spend some time for myself and DH will be free to relax and we can try not cooking next time.

[Kimye4eva]

Fridays are a write off here too. Just exhausted by the end of the week.

I actually find the idea of a date night at home excruciating. At the moment we spend every, single evening together. As we have done for the last year. The thought of a particular night being earmarked for sex would put me right off. We don’t need a date night, we need nights apart!

[slashlover]

Could his depression have returned? I know that insomnia is the classic symptom, but mine showed as hypersomnia, I live alone with no kids and could easily sleep 12-14 hours per night, out as soon as my head hit the pillow and still feel knackered.

[kereh]

@PurplePeach83

Kereh, the 2.5 hours includes meal prep, eating, tidying kitchen etc

Well then that's not a date night is it?

[Lastbonestanding]

4 kids, 2 with SEN, is exhausting. Worrying about a spouse with depression is also exhausting. If he is falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow or sitting in the living room then he probably needs the sleep. 2 weeks without sex during a time of homeschooling and depression and 4 kids and SEN and lack of sleep is not something I would worry about. Could you try setting aside 1 night a week for relaxing?

[Inthefuture]

I think even labelling it a date night every week is pressure after a busy week. On a Friday night I would just say, shall we get a takeaway and watch something. Just have a normal evening together. That would be more realistic to me.

[UCOinaUCG]

I think this is really your issue not his. He is tired and going to bed at a fairly normal time in the evening. You are not sleeping well and not thinking about this logically. At least one of you is getting enough sleep and hopefully you will too once the antidepressants kick in.

[Sanchez79]

It sounds like he's feeling the same way as about 90% of the adult population at the moment.

He's drained, a bit fed up and more miserable than normal. It's not a reflection of your relationship OP, and I don't think you need to worry about growing apart. You've just got to let him ride it out a bit, it's all any of us can do at the moment.

[Nitpickpicnic]

I’m just feeling sorry you’re missing out on the fab orgasm hormones- oxytocin, prolactin, dopamine, etc. I found it could be a really helpful thing with depression.

I think he’s being unfair, and a bit mean to you. It wouldn’t kill him to communicate better with you, when he knows the night’s been earmarked. Sounds a bit of a power-play to me.

Hey, how about you go to bed when he does, kiss him goodnight when he turns away, then whip out your vibrator? Orgasm, party of one? I bet that’d get his attention. And so what if it doesn’t?

[BigFatLiar]

When the girls were little we had a few 'date nights' where the children stopped with gran & grandad. Usually we ended up simply having a meal and sleeping, it was nice just to have a child free night and sleep. We changed to letting the girls have a Saturday lunch/afternoon with gran & grandad and we had a lot more 'fun'.

Perhaps if you have support you could try some daytime 'date'?

[Ninkanink]

@Sanchez79

It sounds like he's feeling the same way as about 90% of the adult population at the moment.

He's drained, a bit fed up and more miserable than normal. It's not a reflection of your relationship OP, and I don't think you need to worry about growing apart. You've just got to let him ride it out a bit, it's all any of us can do at the moment.

Yes. Sex ebbs and flows in a long relationship as stressful/difficult/tiring periods come and go. That’s okay. It really doesn’t mean the end, nor does it mean that intimacy has gone/will go. He’s allowed to just be too tired for sex, just like many often women are.

We lost some of our ‘spark’ for a few months during/after a very difficult period for each of us, but we knew we still loved each other deeply and even though I felt bereft at the temporary loss of our sex life together, I had faith that things would right themselves eventually, which they did. It did feel very odd when usually we have quite a passionate relationship and a healthy sex life, but it really was okay and it got back to normal soon enough.

Maybe try instead to have a late dinner together 3 x weekly, after the children have gone to bed. Have a glass of wine or two and just talk. Intimacy and communication can always be had, even if sex is off the table for a while.

[Ninkanink]

*many women often are...

[Ninkanink]

We cuddled a lot during that time, btw. We kissed and snuggled up to sleep. The love and affection was still there, because we both still needed that and we both made that a priority.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Half ten is a really normal bedtime .

And even sleeping 8hrs a night doesn't mean that someone is not knackered at the moment.

You need to be realistic, date night is only going to be 2-3 hrs, not an entire long night. But that is plenty of time for a chat and more.