DH falling asleep on date nights?

[PurplePeach83]

I would be grateful if some of you would gently (I've just been diagnosed with depression) tell me if I am being unreasonable. For the last few weeks, DH and I have planned a Friday night date night but each time, we have a meal, sit down for a cuddle and then DH either falls asleep or announces he is off to bed (in a very matter of fact way, not a suggestive 'come to bed with me' way). Then as soon as his head hits the pillow he's asleep, around 10.30. We haven't DTD for two weeks when it's usually at least twice a week.

I understand he works hard, but I can't help but feel rejected that he can't be bothered to stay awake for quality time just once a week. With my depression at the moment I rarely get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, whereas he gets 8 hrs uninterrupted. I'm tired, but I value the time with my DH more.

I tried to explain respectfully that it upsets me when he falls asleep so early on a date night but then he turned his back to me and mumbled sleepily that I always complain about everything and so he doesn't care anymore. He's gone to sleep now but I feel so upset as he knows I have been recently diagnosed with depression and have really been struggling to be optimistic.

AIBU to feel he should be making an effort for intimacy (eg. chatting or massage or sex) together on a Friday night or should I just accept that I'm obviously not very good company at the moment and leave him to it?

@Ninkanink Thanks for the advice. It really isn't about the sex in itself for me, more the lack of intimacy generally. It's the rolling over and being detached that has me worried, he's always been cuddly even when we've had dry spells in the past (we've had 4dc and been together 18 years so we've had ebbs and flows in our sex life before). It's more the lack of connection, cuddles etc. But I will try and not take it personally now. I think you have all helped me to see that perhaps under the circumstances my expectations have been unreasonable.

@BigFatLiar sadly not an option as have zero support. We don't live near either of our families sadly.

I think perhaps his depression may be resurfacing as well, as it does for many people when there are extra challenges, so I’d keep an eye on that too.

Of course it isn’t entirely impossible that he’s going through a bit of a funk or maybe the start of a midlife crisis...so I wouldn’t be complacent but do what you can do foster intimacy and connection, but maybe without too much pressure or hours and hours.

It’s also entirely possible that he’s resentful of your need your support in regards to your depression. Just because someone’s gone through it themselves doesn’t mean they’re going to be brilliant at supporting someone else through it.

*of your need of support...

Oh I give up...was meant to say without too much pressure of hours and hours of ‘dates’.

@Nitpickpicnic Now there's an idea...
No in all seriousness it's not so much about the sex for me.

Thanks @Ninkanink.

I can't think of anything that would have me less in the mood than being told I was having a 'date night.'

My boyfriend and I have found that one / both of us will get really sleepy if we sit on the sofa. As we only see each other once a week, we stay at the table after dinner with music and have a good laugh, like we would if we are out. Nobody falls asleep!

If you are newly diagnosed depressed, perhaps your conversation has been more draining of late? It certainly wouldn't be your fault if so, depression doesn't tend to make people engaging and fun. If you think fun conversation might be a stretch at the moment, perhaps stop calling it a date night, and play cards together, or a board game, whatever, with a couple of drinks (if you drink alcohol).

@optimistic40 These are great suggestions, but I remember suggesting we stay at the table before and he said he finds the dining chairs less comfy. Worth another shot though. You're probably right about the conversation, I'll think about the games idea.

Also worth bearing in mind that depression is draining for everyone involved, the individual but also the rest of the family.

He 8s probably just trying to keep the show on the road as it were and there is just not enough left for affection and spontaneous cuddles.

You need tell him really calmly that you need cuddles, not because you are depressed but because you like being with him

Stop calling it date night? I spend every evening with my DH on the sofa, he’d think I’d gone nuts if I whipped out a bag of popcorn and announced it was now date night.

What’s wrong with the old fashioned phrase of spending time together? Take away the expectation and pressure. Calling it date night is such a turn off. It reeks of “trying too hard.”

Have a takeaway and forget the washing and tidying up after.

Thanks @Dishwashersaurous.
Wow! There's a lot of hate for the term 'date night'!
DH and I have never actually referred to it as such between ourselves, I just thought it would be a clear way to communicate on here that it's basically a set night that we keep free for each other on our calendar and the kids know they need to be upstairs. We usually call it 'spending time together' or 'dinner'.