I don’t want to do this anymore.

[stressingdepressing]

I need a break. I can’t cope.
I’m a single mum to a 15 month old and I hate being a parent. I love my son more than anything but this is not what I expected.

I have no friends because they don’t have kids or those that do have the Disney nuclear family. I’m stuck on benefits despite having a degree because I can’t afford childcare. Left a DV relationship with his dad just before Xmas and I am struggling. I want a minute to myself I just want my identity back, I’m not a person, I’m not a human being I’m DS’s mum, that’s it.

I want my old life back.

Do you have a close family relative that you can bubble with and get a break, even just a few hours to go for a walk with a friend or listen to a podcast in the park? The early years are relentless at the best of times, never mind in a pandemic. You sound exhausted and in need of some respite xx sending hugs xxx

I asked my mum who is all I have but she said no as she’s wfh all week and obviously he is my responsibility

I’m just dreading how long this is gonna last for I really can’t do it anymore I want myself back

Hi OP Im not sure what to say to hell but just wanted to say, it's great you're verbalising your feeling on here, and you are never truly alone, there is always someone around, to chat.

Please keep talking. 🌺

I’m sorry. That sound really tough, I’ll be your virtual friend . I don’t want to be the person that tries to solutionise and minimise the struggle. I guess it’s hard to juggle any childcare allowance with any sort of workable hours/job. Hope things improve for you, bet you’re an ace mum :).

Whatever you do don’t go back. Does your mum know why you left? Could she not even give you a break at the weekend? The friends that don’t have kids, do they also not ever want them? The friends that have the Disney nuclear families are any of them kind and nice people that could help?

What part of the country are you based in?

Someone will be along shortly to tell you that you are depressed. Maybe you are but there's no denying that young children can be as tedious as fuck. You must feel terribly lonely too.

Please remember that the pandemic is making everything a hundred times more trying. Once things are open again, you'll be able to get out more. That will help so much. Don't forget that your DS will grow and this won't be forever. When does your free nursery place kick in?

Have you a local fb page, is there a closed group for new mums ? I know we have them in our area. Baby groups will be starting again soon so you can meet other new mums?

That is a hard situation to be in but I've found the FROLO app good for meeting other single parents and finding moral support. Also are you in the UK, becuase universal credit can cover up to 85% of childcare costs, which might help you work even part time?

I can relate, I’m a single mum but to 4. Ex isn’t around and no family help as well no one will look after 4. It’s absolutely awful never getting a break ever. I feel like my life is over.

I’ve been exactly where you are. Leaving the DV marriage forced me out of the workplace for two years because I couldn’t afford to work until childcare vouchers kicked in.

Get whatever help you can now, however small. If your only breaks are when he sleeps, then five yourself little morale-boasting treats, read a novel, paint your nails, do a YouTube mediation session. Whatever you enjoy.

Also sit down and write out goal dates for the medium term:
when mother and toddler groups will reopen, when you can get childcare vouchers (you should be able to get them the term after he turns two, because of your circa, so maybe next January depending on his DOB?), when you can do some PT work or volunteering, etc. Whatever applies to your situation.

You need things to look forward to to be able to keep hanging in there. Even if they’re a little way away. Once he starts nursery it all gets easier step by step.

How about Homestart also when the restrictions lift?

You got him out of a horrible atmosphere and away from an abuser. You’re a great mum.

That sounds so hard. Lockdown is so so hard especially for parents with such young children. One day at a time. In a month or two hopefully there will be toddler groups, Sure Start, library toddler sessions etc that you can get out to and talk to some other adults who are in the same boat, and get some structure that gives you some enjoyment and focus. Honestly these things were such a lifeline for so many of us, and you've been denied that. Motherhood has never before meant locking yourself away with a baby all day. That would drive most of us round the bend - there is a reason it's never been normal back to cavemen and apes. It won't be normal in your future either, it's just really really weird times at the moment.

Contact your local social work dept. They might be able to offer support / solutions for you.

Big hugs. Being a mother is suffocating sometimes. You've got this though and you can totally do it.
Make plans for the next couple of months. Have something to look forward to. Meet friends, I'm sure those that don't have kids would still like to meet for a catch up.

I think you should speak to social services too. In honesty, there is nowhere to go and nothing to do right now. Although you feel like you're missing out, you're not missing any socialising.
At the same time, you have no access to mother and baby classes, or groups, to make friends because of Covid. What I'm trying to say is that you feel worse because of Covid. But things are about to get a lot better. If you can ask for help and keep going and planning for better days.

Babies and toddlers are like aliens who have to be taught what being human is. They are sent to challenge us, they teach deep love but also incredible resilience. It is so tough having a newer alien, but they get more interesting and independent.

You are having it tougher as it's harder to meet others in your situation, but try writing on Next-door neighbour or local apps and maybe go on walks with other mums. I felt like you do when mine were little and getting away from abuse doesn't immediately wipe the scars away from confidence.

Single mum too. My DD is now 12 but those early years were bloody awful. It honestly does get better as they get older, get to nursery and school and have actual conversations with you.

It's really isolating and lonely too at times when they are young and so much worse during the pandemic I'm sure.

I used to walk for miles with mine in her pram as it seemed like I was at least doing something that distracted her.

I hope you find a way through, when things start to open back up.

Big, big hugs. I can't imagine how lonely and hard it must be parenting alone during covid, and feeling like no one has your back.

You desperately need some single mum friends to compare notes with, can you use some time when your little one is asleep to go online and seek out some new friends?

Also your friends in nuclear families probably have their own challenges (judging by the number of "my DP doesn't pull his weight threads" on this site). Not necessarily same as yours, but even in a nuclear family mums can be overworked, lonely, consumed by the role of being Mum above all else. So if might be worth tapping up some of those mum friends for a chat, they might understand at least a little bit of what you are going through, sympathize or just make you giggle about something grown up and distract you from your current troubles.

I can only say this: my single mum friends have older kids now, a few who went through the early years alone are very quiet about that period and say it was really tough, but after that it became wonderful. There is a bond between a single parent and their child that is amazing. You are the whole world to your little one, and that is something to be immensely proud of. Don't be glum about not fulfilling yourself in a career yet - there will be time for that, be patient. For now, focus on finding ways to make the present more bearable - seek out new friends, in just a few days you will be able to meet with them outdoors, yayy!!

One day at a time, OP.

I just don’t enjoy anything. I can’t do anything
How do I dry my hair with a hairdryer when he’s awake
How do I get time to put makeup on

I feel and look like absolute shit and nothing about this is enjoyable at all. I’m at the point of looking into adoption because I can’t cope anymore

Right so I have a 16 month old. To be fair I don’t put make up on but I do use a hairdryer when she’s awake. I just keep a hold of the hairdryer so she can’t touch it and hold it high enough above my head ( while I’m standing) so she can’t climb on anything to reach it. I will have a think about make up. Even if if I can give small tips to make you feel better I will. Does your mum know that you are so far don’t that road you are thinking about having the baby adopted, do friends?

@LouiseTrees thank you ❤️
No they don’t know but if I told my mum that she’d say I was disgusting and phone all my family to talk about me as that’s her mentality in general

Talk to your HV. You should have the number for one even if you've never met them, if not try GP. I think you should run these feelings you have past someone who knows about these things, ie not your mother.

Not finding enjoyment in anything can be a symptom of depression. I didn't really believe I was depressed until a few weeks after I'd started antidepressants and suddenly experienced joy at something again. It was amazing, one of those moments that stays with you forever and all I was doing at the time was taking my daughter shopping. I hate shopping! But suddenly I could take joy in her happiness which I hadn't been capable of doing for months.

Also, there IS nowhere to go and nothing to do at the moment. I think most of us have kind of dried up socially now and are doing very little to keep up with others until things open up again. It's temporary but it is utterly shit and being alone with a 15 month old must be mindnumbingly relentless. But it gets better. I promise you. Every single year I have enjoyed my children more than the previous year. Every year I think maybe that was the best year just gone, maybe they will lose their cuteness and be more annoying next year . Hasn't happened yet and we are into the teens already. It does get better every year. Children get waaay more interesting, keeping them safe gets easier and keeping them entertained gets less mind numbing. Sorry for writing such an essay.

I didn't understand the problem with the hairdryer, but do you have a playpen or tall sided travel cot where he can be safe and play with his toys while you get on with things? It's a must-have in my opinion.

I think the pandemic has made parenting more intense. I also think that it was a pretty shit situation before the pandemic. Parents, especially single ones, can become so trapped and stifiled just for reproducing.
It takes a village, but you are expected to cope, even if it breaks you. It's cruel as humans aren't designed to live like this.

This playpen with wide door is on sale at Argos. £25. Down from £90. It has good reviews.
www.argos.co.uk/product/3789005
Imagine it filled with cuddly toys and balls. Pop some music on to keep him company and ignore him if he whines or cries initially. As long as he's safe and gets regular attention you can get on with showering/housework etc.
Talk to your HV too. They should have good coping strategies.