I don’t want to do this anymore.

[stressingdepressing]

I need a break. I can’t cope.
I’m a single mum to a 15 month old and I hate being a parent. I love my son more than anything but this is not what I expected.

I have no friends because they don’t have kids or those that do have the Disney nuclear family. I’m stuck on benefits despite having a degree because I can’t afford childcare. Left a DV relationship with his dad just before Xmas and I am struggling. I want a minute to myself I just want my identity back, I’m not a person, I’m not a human being I’m DS’s mum, that’s it.

I want my old life back.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

I'd recommend contacting your local Home Start. I volunteer for them and I just negotiate with the family /parent as to what support they want. It could be having a cuppa and a chat, going for a walk, helping with housework or looking after baby while you have a bath! It's really a befriending service with possibly signposting to other services. It's not linked to 'official' services but the charity does some fantastic work. Don't be afraid to reach out @stressingdepressing

[SparklingLime]

You’ve done so, so well to get you and your baby away from violence, @stressingdepressing. That is a massive achievement but must take its toll.

A small thing: Royal Mail will collect your Depop parcel from your door for 72p per parcel, if you have access to a printer:
www.royalmail.com/collection

[stressingdepressing]

My mum picked up my parcels as she was on her way out shopping so they’ve been shipped out thankfully, I don’t think we’re going out today so it’s just one of them days

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I'd recommend contacting your local Home Start. I volunteer for them and I just negotiate with the family /parent as to what support they want. It could be having a cuppa and a chat, going for a walk, helping with housework or looking after baby while you have a bath! It's really a befriending service with possibly signposting to other services. It's not linked to 'official' services but the charity does some fantastic work. Don't be afraid to reach out *@stressingdepressing*

I meant to add this support isn't a one off, it's a couple of hours a week for as long as the family needs the support. I've worked with people from all walks of life, in all types of situations. Even when a family has been 'signed off' we've stayed in touch via text or the occasional walk. You can either self refer or go via your Health visitor. I'd advise the latter for you as I'm sure the HV will be able to offer a wide range of support. PM me if you want to chat about it.

[Osirus]

@stressingdepressing

I just don’t think I’m cut out to be anyone’s mum. I hate it, I’m in thousands of pounds of uni debt just to claim benefits, at this point a walk to Tesco on my own would be absolute heaven. My life is over until DS is 18 and the thought of another 17 years feeling like this makes my heart sink

You won’t feel like this for 18 years. It really, really does get easier. In the next year or so, your child will be less clingy and you will be able to do more of your own personal care.

I would be more concerned that you are thinking of giving your child up. I have never had a single day when I thought that about mine (and although I’m married I’ve done absolutely everything. He’s never around). PND can strike at any time after birth. It may be worth asking the GP for some support.

Having a baby is hard. It’s even harder at the moment. But please don’t give your child up because of how hard it is right now. Things will change very soon.

[Holshicup]

Apologies if this has been mentioned but is going for any job an option, part time or even just a few hours, it will probably not benefit you much financially after nursery costs but may save your sanity and be beneficial to your son too.

You will be entitled to free nursery hours before too long, this was a turning point for me, just having half an hours uninterrupted lunch break at work was a joy!

There is an end in sight op, once school starts and they make friends you can take turns with other parents to host play dates/sleepovers when older,that can make life so much easier too.
It will get better for sure

[Phineyj]

I think selling the clothes was symbolic of giving up your old life and that really brought you down. I also think the playpen is a good idea. If he's safe and the hairdryer is nice and loud, well you won't hear any screaming, will you?! I have thick curly hair and I remember that depressing dripping down my neck when DD was little (I was lucky though - she loves water sounds and I used to sit her in a little bouncy chair by the shower and sing 'Gonna wash that man right out of my hair' very loudly).

I recommend loud music and dancing whenever you can especially if baby likes it. I trained DD up on hours and hours of Classic FM and she did get a love for music.

And reach out to your 'nuclear' friends. DH and I have a most enviable life as far as it looks. Actually our child has SEN, we fight constantly and both/all take turns to feel awful! I had no idea parenthood would require so much therapy!! I bet some of your friends are just putting a front on and even if they're not, they're your friends.

[whatchathinkaboutthat]

What about a playgroup? Do these open soon?

You really need to find some other mums to hang out with. Even the so called 'Disney families' aren't what you think they are. I have many mum friends and I initially thought their life and relationships were perfect but they weren't. People could look at my family and think it's perfect and it's not.

You can do it OP! I struggle and I have help and supporting husband. I think you are amazing and you will get through this.

[stressingdepressing]

I don’t think there’ll be much of a change in life once this lockdown ends if I’m honest.

Baby groups will be around thats it, more tedious early years. I won’t be going out without DS. I keep seeing my friends say how excited they are for lockdown to be over. It can continue for me, it makes no difference to my life. If anything it gives me an excuse.

[LouiseTrees]

[quote stressingdepressing]@LouiseTrees thank you ❤️
No they don’t know but if I told my mum that she’d say I was disgusting and phone all my family to talk about me as that’s her mentality in general[/quote]
Okay sounds like your mum not an option for any help then. I echo others about speaking to your health visitor and more than happy for you to message my inbox on here to let off steam. What about your friends? Could you meet one of them for a walk?

[krankykittykat]

Universal credit covers alot 9f childcare costs. You would be able to get a budgeting loan to cover towards the first month's costs of them

[LouiseTrees]

@stressingdepressing

I don’t feel comfortable asking them, they make parenthood seem like this wonderful adventure which to them it probably is. DS has gone for a nap now and I’ve got housework to do. This time two and abit years ago I’d be on the phone talking shit about what I’m wearing out tonight. This life literally is rinse and repeat. It’s also other things that I miss, I cut my own hair as even when hairdressers open I don’t have anyone to watch him for an hour whilst I get my hair cut, I miss browsing shops, I miss getting on buses and not being on edge because he’s going to scream, I miss eating meals and not just noodles or micro pizza because that’s all I have the energy to cook myself. I want my tea at a normal time. I want to work again and talk to adults. I wish I could go back to 2018 even just for 24 hours.

Trust me I’m probably one of these people you think are a Disney family and I posted on here at the start about losing myself. I get it.

[yahyahs22]

I would love to know where abouts you are. If you were close to me we could moan about this stuff together as I too find it very hard.

[Ariela]

@stressingdepressing When my DD was tiny, I started my own WFH business. Every time I picked up the phone (and in those days 20+ years ago few companies and not everyone was online) it was often. I handed DD a spare phone with no SIM for her to 'talk on' and kept up the eye contact and spoke 'to' her as though I was on a 'conversation on the phone' to DD . I will say it is an acquired skill, but I don't think DD ever a) knew what I was talking about and b) even knew I WASN'T speaking to her. Completely stopped the 'you're on the phone ignoring me' screams and also totally involved her,

However we didn't do internet on phones back then...

[stressingdepressing]

@blue25 sorry forgot i chose to be abused, i don’t hate anyone and im not jealous. Sod off

[flummingbird]

@blue25 that's a shitty comment. As a single parent to a 4 year old, I see "Disney" families all over the place and it cuts. I didn't choose for my XH to have an affair. I had the choice of being a single parent or being married to someone I couldn't trust. It's bloody hard when all your friends seem to be in really happy families and you're alone, doesn't matter if how you perceive it is true or not.

@stressingdepressing do think about the fact that universal credit pays you 85% of childcare costs, that helped me to be able to work, and going to work makes the world of difference to my mental health as it means I get time to chat to other adults and not just be mum for a while.

[snowy0wl]

@blue25 - what a spiteful thing to say to someone who is clearly at her wit’s end. Being the mother of a young child in lockdown has been challenging for so many of us, even more so for those without a support network.

[RickiTarr]

@blue25 you do realise what we are all thinking of you now? Can’t post it - it would be deleted. But you are one to say that to a DV survivor with a baby.

[naomi81]

I feel the same 😞 are you not entitled to 15 hours free child care? Might be best to look at gov website x

[stressingdepressing]

He’s too young he has to be 2 so we’ve got til January next year for those hours. I’ll speak to UC regarding nursery fees but I can’t put the money upfront for them which is my only problem. And I can’t afford repayments on a budgeting advance.

My sister is coming round tonight, she’s 16 and her nonsense is a proper tonic to my mundane life but goddddd it makes me jealous haha

[Notanotherhun]

I hear what you're saying. I really struggled with the loss of my pre child life. I hated it and to an extent, I still do. I think there is a lot of glossing over of the fact that having a baby/toddler is just shit. My boy is 2 and a half and only just becoming interesting enough to want to spend time with properly. So solidarity in buckets.

[RubyWooRed]

Some helpful things to let you get on with things ...

Do you have a high chair ?
I used to pop my DC in high chair in kitchen and strap him in while I got on with dishes and cleaning / laundry etc.
Just gave them snacks and toys or Tupperware tubs and lids to bang about.
It means they are safe and in the room with you but not at your feet pulling or tugging etc when you may be using hot water or hot pots cooking etc.

Travel cot makes a great play pen for when you need to get ready
Can you pop a travel cot in your bedroom and put him in with toys etc and then You are still in same room but can get on with doing hair and make up or sorting bed linen etc and he’s safe and occupied .

Cbeebies on a tablet , tucked up on the couch beside you while you read a book ?
Even a little half hour to let you read or do your own thing ?

[RickiTarr]

My sister is coming round tonight, she’s 16 and her nonsense is a proper tonic to my mundane life but goddddd it makes me jealous haha

Is she sensible enough to babysit? For the length of a hair appointment if not for a whole night out? Can she be trained up a bit to at least a arch him while you have a bath or a walk?

[LifeIsAnArt]

I've often thought about single parents during this past year. Must be so difficult being full on 24/7 so I sympathise.

It will get easier but right now you need more support to keep sane. You mentioned your mum works from home but surely she would help her daughter out at the weekends or evenings from time to time? I know if that if my daughter were having difficulties I'd be there in a flash to help out. Even a few hours a week of "me time" will do wonders.