I don’t want to do this anymore.

[stressingdepressing]

I need a break. I can’t cope.
I’m a single mum to a 15 month old and I hate being a parent. I love my son more than anything but this is not what I expected.

I have no friends because they don’t have kids or those that do have the Disney nuclear family. I’m stuck on benefits despite having a degree because I can’t afford childcare. Left a DV relationship with his dad just before Xmas and I am struggling. I want a minute to myself I just want my identity back, I’m not a person, I’m not a human being I’m DS’s mum, that’s it.

I want my old life back.

I’ll take a look but I suspect he’ll cry in it he doesn’t like being restricted, I.e, safe

It’s just old things I miss and I crave. I’ve sold some stuff on Depop this morning, all my old going out clothes, and I’ve got to go to the post office to post it, which is gonna take 30 minutes to leave the house and it’s a 10 min walk, so a 10 minute journey is 40 minutes and I just cannot be arsed anymore. Everything is a chore.

I'm so sorry you feel crap OP. Being a mum to a toddler is the hardest job and doing it without support is going to take its toll. You've had some good advice here - setting some small goals and talking to your HV about how you feel are good first steps.

I know it's not going to fix anything immediately, but do you manage to get out with him a bit for a walk - it can improve your mood.

If your mum won't help please seek support from your HV on Monday

Op - one day at a time and take the small wins.

Today: do the Depop parcels.
Tomorrow: do your hair and makeup properly (let him cry if he does; this is time for you).

Every small step counts and every day is closer to this getting better.

I just don’t think I’m cut out to be anyone’s mum. I hate it, I’m in thousands of pounds of uni debt just to claim benefits, at this point a walk to Tesco on my own would be absolute heaven. My life is over until DS is 18 and the thought of another 17 years feeling like this makes my heart sink

You don’t have to not work, there’s lots of help with childcare costs and many single people work and parent. Maybe mixing with others and doing something different will help in other areas too.

If you feel up to it please take a look at the charity 'gingerbread'. They're a charity that support single parents.
Ive worked with them before, they're fantastic.
We had quite a few single parents working at my previous company who came through gingerbread.

You poor thing, I have an 18 month old and they really do test you from 14-18 months. I have an older child to so I know it gets better as they get older. I’m so sorry you have to support, when your baby is 2 and Will you qualify for the free hours? If yes, hang on until then and this will improve. Sorry for no practical help it sounds so tough, I would say you say you love your child don’t give him up as you may just spend your time alone missing him.

Totally with you on this, and I'm sorry you are feeling this way, do you think you could be depressed, how was you in the first few months after DC was born? It's something many mum's get asked when feeling this way, so just putting it out there.
I am also now a single parent, my DS is 3 though, so will be starting nursery any time soon, and though it's going to be another hurdle getting in to the swing of things, and having to claim at the moment, which means they are on your case wanting you to go in to work, which I feel more stressed about, as I just visualise rushing to get us ready, rushing to drop him off, off to work back again and rush home to do all the things that need doing before getting him to bed, to start all over again the next day 😳 But it gives that little space where we won't be stuck together anymore 24/7. He was seeing his father, a few times a week until end of last year, and it helped a lot but I still had to put up with his abuse and anxiety, so it wasn't a good situation either. Because I reported him for things at the time, and then was asked about historical stuff, he was arrested, still on going now, and Social Services were brought in, they ended up asking for me to stop contact between DC and his father. So the last couple of months have been tough to say the least. I am fortunate though that I have my parents near by, so they do help out. I feel that although some people think it is wrong that we 'expect' things from family etc, it is a cruel world if people think we should have to do it on our own!
I get very upset and angry, as I still miss my freedom and the life I have, but I can't go back, and so try to make of it what I can.

I know things are still closed at the moment, but please try to get out as much as possible, being stuck in with the same thing every day makes it worse I feel. Feel free to private message me if you like, though I am still getting to grips with how to read messages!x

Sorry @stressingdepressing I blabbed on and didn't add, can we just take a minute to acknowledge the fact you left a DV relationship, that is a massive step, and not an easy one to achieve, you are most likely not feeling great because it's only been a couple of months and going through lots of emotions and feelings etc, give yourself time. If you feel like it's something that you would like to do, when you are ready, is to get some counselling, it would really help, also to discuss how you are feeling now as well. I think we are all able to self refer now as well.

@ViciousJackdaw

Someone will be along shortly to tell you that you are depressed. Maybe you are but there's no denying that young children can be as tedious as fuck. You must feel terribly lonely too.

Please remember that the pandemic is making everything a hundred times more trying. Once things are open again, you'll be able to get out more. That will help so much. Don't forget that your DS will grow and this won't be forever. When does your free nursery place kick in?

That was me already 😑 was just as part of what else I went on to say. So glad you said about the tedious part 😀 very true. Yes OP should get free hours from when her DC turns 2.

@Happycat1212

I can relate, I’m a single mum but to 4. Ex isn’t around and no family help as well no one will look after 4. It’s absolutely awful never getting a break ever. I feel like my life is over.

Omg how on earth do you do it 😵😑👏👏 I think you are amazing!

I’m due to start counselling on Tuesday, I’ve missed 2 appointments cos I can’t be on the phone when DS is there as he screams and just grabs it, so my new counsellor is contacting me after 8pm when he’s in bed

I’m right there with you - I have a 16 month old and a 3.5 year old. And I’ve had no respite in more than 17 months. It’s relentless. Tedious. And no-one mentions how hard the early years are.
And I miss my old life too. I’ve also moved to an area closer to family but where I don’t have a single friend and just feel so damn lonely. Every day is much a variation of the other and I miss just doing anything on my own and not having to manage the highly sensitive emotional needs of young children, in addition to tending to their feeding and bathing etc.

Yesterday I just counted through the hours desperate for the time when they got to bed.

Sending big hugs. I gather it will get easier in time, so I’m told, and I just try and get through one day at a time.

I wish I had some wisdom but I don’t. However I liked @RickiTarr suggestions.

Please dont think of it as the next 18 years. Mine are tweens now and I get whole hours when they are playing outside or on screens when I can do my own thing. I even leave them at home now to go shopping. However, that probably doesn't help you now. I absolutely 100% agree with the playpen idea. Put toys in that are new, and interesting, and actually if he cries a bit, well let him. You need to self care and blowing your hair dry can be just a little thing that makes you feel like you. I'm so sorry you can't rely on your mum. Just a short block of time once or twice a week would make such a difference. Can you approach any of your couple friends and be honest with them? I know I would help a friend in that situation. Hang in there, take one day at a time and short term goals

I don’t feel comfortable asking them, they make parenthood seem like this wonderful adventure which to them it probably is. DS has gone for a nap now and I’ve got housework to do. This time two and abit years ago I’d be on the phone talking shit about what I’m wearing out tonight. This life literally is rinse and repeat. It’s also other things that I miss, I cut my own hair as even when hairdressers open I don’t have anyone to watch him for an hour whilst I get my hair cut, I miss browsing shops, I miss getting on buses and not being on edge because he’s going to scream, I miss eating meals and not just noodles or micro pizza because that’s all I have the energy to cook myself. I want my tea at a normal time. I want to work again and talk to adults. I wish I could go back to 2018 even just for 24 hours.

It does get better. A 17 year old doesn't need the supervision a toddler does.

You need to make the best of your situation. You arent going back to 2018 and none of us are so you need to adapt and think about what you can do. You do get some breaks from parenting like when hes asleep. You can do something nice for yourself then like wash your hair and dry it or pick out next days clothes. This is your life now and you need to try and be grateful for the things you do have. Being on benefits is not a bad thing. You can make a plan on how to use your degree during this time even if it means waiting until your son is nursery age. Your son has only got one childhood so you need to make it the best you can for him. Try and enjoy this time with him. Its not the same as free childless life but there's got to be some joy you can find in it.

@stressingdepressing

I don’t feel comfortable asking them, they make parenthood seem like this wonderful adventure which to them it probably is. DS has gone for a nap now and I’ve got housework to do. This time two and abit years ago I’d be on the phone talking shit about what I’m wearing out tonight. This life literally is rinse and repeat. It’s also other things that I miss, I cut my own hair as even when hairdressers open I don’t have anyone to watch him for an hour whilst I get my hair cut, I miss browsing shops, I miss getting on buses and not being on edge because he’s going to scream, I miss eating meals and not just noodles or micro pizza because that’s all I have the energy to cook myself. I want my tea at a normal time. I want to work again and talk to adults. I wish I could go back to 2018 even just for 24 hours.

Oh god yeah I remember this. It does get easier though, eventually they go to nursery and then school and it's all a bit less shit.

Can you tell us where you live ? There may be some others who you could meet for a walk ?

Please dont think of it as the next 18 years. Mine are tweens now and I get whole hours when they are playing outside or on screens when I can do my own thing.

This. It’s gradual.

At two he will be able to get free PT nursery hours so that’s 9-13 months away. That’s 2022. While he’s in nursery, you’ll be able to shop, get your hair cut, mooch around generally and have some me time. Maybe do some flexi-study to update your CV.

At three, you’ll get more help with childcare and probably be able to afford to work/study/volunteer for 30hrs+ a week depending on the combination you put together. Other adults to talk to. Hot beverages. Chit chat etc. That’s 2023.

2024 he will start school and from then on your childcare costs lessen and your options increase. You’ll be able to go back to work FT then, with just wrap around and holiday club. That will be doable.

By six they’re semi- sensible small people you can hold interesting conversations with.

Meanwhile, can you chat to your mum and tell her how much you’re struggling and ask her to take him for maybe one day or weekend per month? Or speak to Home Start?

Can we ask what work you normally do? There are still quite a few free distance learning CPD courses available. Maybe you could do one in the evenings to reclaim a bit of your identity. Or is there a career change you want to work towards?

Posted too soon, I know how awful
it can be. I was a single mum.
Maybe when things start to open up again you can do some things.
I was terrible at meeting people and making friends.
Just know it won't be for 18 years , he won't always be so dependent and you can't see it now, but this will pass.

Hi op. When your son is two you can get a 2 year old placement at nursery (15 hours per week) . It's not an immediate solution but it's something to look forward to. Also, I think your mums attitude was mean. She could at least have him on the weekend for a bit just to give you a break.

OP could you be depressed or even suffering PTSD due to DV? Please speak to a doctor. Contact homestart or surestart centre to see if they can help.

Or contact hv and please be honest. Best thing I ever did was have a complete crying breakdown infront of surestart centre and with my hv. They realised I wasnt coping and got me help. I had barnardo's coming to the house, wee ones went to creche for couple of hours for pennies. It really helped me start again.

I could have written your post..I have a 16month old son and see it as just getting through the day. I feel suffocated and trapped and constantly thinking I'm a terrible mum.and he will grow up and hate me.anyway..worse thing is I tried for ten years, 3 losses, fertility treatment, lost fallopian tube et, awaiting this 'happy ever after'. It doesn't exist. I'm.sorry I can't be more.positive but I can empathize with you..I have a husband and it's hard enough with us both, I couldn't imagine being on my. own..sending you.a virtual hug.