Selfish or not? Job or not?

[Eaaaar]

Hi, long time lurker here.
I need help and apologised for the length of my request.

So for context, I really enjoyed my job pre-baby and due to that company going into administration and PT hours being unusual in that sector I haven’t been able to return.

I lost a few PT jobs thanks to covid and then for months I gave up looking and relied on OH which he wanted all a long but I struggled without money to myself.
When Covid began to quieten in the summer I found a PT job WFH in a sector I wasn’t keen on but it best paid for the hours I’d be doing so took it to get some financial independence back.
After 5 months, I HATED IT, felt SO miserable and expressed this to OH.
It was difficult to keep motivated and WFH with our DC at home.
I was also struggling for money, after paying half of the rent I had hardly anything which had to be given to my personal outgoings.
So OH was covering majority of bills and food shop.

In what now must of only been a passing comment OH said do what you need to do, go FT, put DC in nursery if that will makes things better for you we will sort it.
This was music to my ears, and I admit perhaps I did things too quickly but I was excited to get into what I enjoy and have more money to contribute to household and myself.
Applied for a job in the sector I enjoy, checked a nursery and started the enrolment process once I knew I got the job.
OH was involved and made aware at every step yet leading up to starting the job and during my first week, we cannot see eye to eye.

I completed my first week today and have loved it so much, not even the job but just going in and being me.

We’ve argued about it again tonight.

OH wants to save for a mortgage which he decided in December and said this is a family goal.
He is upset because I’m causing this goal to get further away mainly due to Nursery Fees which must mean we have different goals.
He says even if I contribute to half the bills, him going half on Nursery wipes it out.
He brings up safety around Covid because he has underlying health issue but it only comes up when it suits him.
He said he told me so about the house not being as tidy as it used to be but doesn’t help keep it tidy because he has no time yet it’s okay that I juggle everything.
He tells me it’s hard for him to adjust because my goals change too much.
He says I’m selfish for all of this because I’ve only thought about myself and not considered how this affects anyone else.
He’s also annoyed that due to DC picking up illness from Nursery taster, we’ve all been ill this week.
I keep reminding him it won’t be like this forever.

Then a few days later he’ll say how proud he is of me and we’ll work through it until we argue again.

I’d also like to mention that DC is a toddler, only goes to Nursery twice a week and absolutely loves it.

AIBU and instead stay at home until we have a mortgage?
I really understand where he’s coming from on some parts but it’s hard to work around his every changing thought and I don’t want my mental health to suffer while I wait for him to say we’ve got enough to move out.

Please help with either helping me understand his POV or making me feel less selfish and more sane lol.

@LannieDuck Precisely! When we discuss things though, I feel like he warps my mind and I can't recall stuff like that to back me up.

He's had all weekend to help and I think he hoovered one room, once.

OP, the more you write, the more he sounds like an incredibly nasty piece of work. This is not a man who cares about the best interests of you or your shared child, this is a man who only cares about himself. Your post at 21:51 suggests you think it's a relationship worth sticking with but if you do please stop trusting that anything he says is going to benefit your future as well as his own.
Your finances need sorting out, the division of labour in your house needs sorting out, communication about your shared future needs sorting out. Please don't sleepwalk into a financially disastrous future - you deserve better

Typical male misogyny. He wants the wife, baby, well paid job, house, housekeeper, cleaner, cook (you) and wants it to be as easy and convenient as possible for him. Your needs are secondary to his. Personally i dont think women should stop working when they have children, even if they have a very generous, well paid partner because they are leaving themselves vulnerable to future financial hardship if that relationship breaks down. If you were to split up now, he would need to cook, clean for himself and sort out childcare part of the week, as well as pay maintenance, maybe you should offer him that as an alternative solution?

@Flapjak

Typical male misogyny. He wants the wife, baby, well paid job, house, housekeeper, cleaner, cook (you) and wants it to be as easy and convenient as possible for him. Your needs are secondary to his. Personally i dont think women should stop working when they have children, even if they have a very generous, well paid partner because they are leaving themselves vulnerable to future financial hardship if that relationship breaks down. If you were to split up now, he would need to cook, clean for himself and sort out childcare part of the week, as well as pay maintenance, maybe you should offer him that as an alternative solution?

Worse than that, he doesn't even do that things that the patriarchy is supposed to do. He hasn't married her. He doesn't provide for her. He won't buy a home with her.

This is what the modern world has done. Twisted it so women are in the workplace but hold on, they still do the childcare and housework. Not in my house. But in many houses.

Wait so even though the household income is now higher, he is not happy because he wants you to cover childcare to save his share of nursery fees, so that he can save for a house by himself? So he wants you to sacrifice a career and independence to subsidise a house that's solely for him that you would have no claim to, should you split. And you're 'selfish' for not being happy to do so?

If you didnt have equal access to family money, he was financially abusing you OP and it sounds like he is angry that can't any more. Everything about what you've written is so wrong.

One person doesn't get to decide that the other one give up their career. One person doesn't set a 'family goal'. One person doesn't get to decide how to work the family finances, so that it benefits mainly them. One person doesn't get to rant at their spouse for life choices (eg working) that they have made themselves.

His attitude to money stinks and his attitude to you stinks. You say you need to communicate better, but communication is not the problem. Him being a financially abusive, manipulating, nasty man is the problem. I'm not sure improving his communication skills will do anything to help.

And for gods sake please find some way of saving some money in your own name

Why are you agreeing to any of this? You have taken time out of work to have his child. His earnings are your earnings. His savings are your savings. He doesn’t buy a house, the two of you buy a house.

Splitting bills 50:50 is also insane. Are you really splitting the parenting, household chores, and mental load 50:50? No, we already know you are not. He is getting to go forward in his career while you make the sacrifices. This is not the equality we fought for. I’m seriously angry that the women who are coming of age behind me keep doing this.

This right here, this is the gender pay gap. This is how it plays out in real life. You are messing with his ability to exploit you by forcing him to deal with childhood illness from nursery, but you are still letting him keep the financial gains he has earned along the way.

Real partners understand this and would never put you in this position. Or maybe the men my age have just taken Econ 101 like most of the women my age.