Selfish or not? Job or not?

[Eaaaar]

Hi, long time lurker here.
I need help and apologised for the length of my request.

So for context, I really enjoyed my job pre-baby and due to that company going into administration and PT hours being unusual in that sector I haven’t been able to return.

I lost a few PT jobs thanks to covid and then for months I gave up looking and relied on OH which he wanted all a long but I struggled without money to myself.
When Covid began to quieten in the summer I found a PT job WFH in a sector I wasn’t keen on but it best paid for the hours I’d be doing so took it to get some financial independence back.
After 5 months, I HATED IT, felt SO miserable and expressed this to OH.
It was difficult to keep motivated and WFH with our DC at home.
I was also struggling for money, after paying half of the rent I had hardly anything which had to be given to my personal outgoings.
So OH was covering majority of bills and food shop.

In what now must of only been a passing comment OH said do what you need to do, go FT, put DC in nursery if that will makes things better for you we will sort it.
This was music to my ears, and I admit perhaps I did things too quickly but I was excited to get into what I enjoy and have more money to contribute to household and myself.
Applied for a job in the sector I enjoy, checked a nursery and started the enrolment process once I knew I got the job.
OH was involved and made aware at every step yet leading up to starting the job and during my first week, we cannot see eye to eye.

I completed my first week today and have loved it so much, not even the job but just going in and being me.

We’ve argued about it again tonight.

OH wants to save for a mortgage which he decided in December and said this is a family goal.
He is upset because I’m causing this goal to get further away mainly due to Nursery Fees which must mean we have different goals.
He says even if I contribute to half the bills, him going half on Nursery wipes it out.
He brings up safety around Covid because he has underlying health issue but it only comes up when it suits him.
He said he told me so about the house not being as tidy as it used to be but doesn’t help keep it tidy because he has no time yet it’s okay that I juggle everything.
He tells me it’s hard for him to adjust because my goals change too much.
He says I’m selfish for all of this because I’ve only thought about myself and not considered how this affects anyone else.
He’s also annoyed that due to DC picking up illness from Nursery taster, we’ve all been ill this week.
I keep reminding him it won’t be like this forever.

Then a few days later he’ll say how proud he is of me and we’ll work through it until we argue again.

I’d also like to mention that DC is a toddler, only goes to Nursery twice a week and absolutely loves it.

AIBU and instead stay at home until we have a mortgage?
I really understand where he’s coming from on some parts but it’s hard to work around his every changing thought and I don’t want my mental health to suffer while I wait for him to say we’ve got enough to move out.

Please help with either helping me understand his POV or making me feel less selfish and more sane lol.

If you are not married, do NOT give up your job & your financial independence for any man !

Keep working

He should help more at home

You have a child together, you should work better as a team

So what if it takes longer to get a mortgage!

I kind of understand his reasoning. I'm in the same position. I'm a sahm because the nursery fees outweigh my wages. So it makes sense to do the home and kids instead. This meant we could save up and buy a nice home.

@Kn1ghtSky

If you are not married, do NOT give up your job & your financial independence for any man !

Keep working

He should help more at home

You have a child together, you should work better as a team

So what if it takes longer to get a mortgage!

This!!!!! Can't believe it hasn't been mentioned sooner. Do NOT give up your financial independence. If he does buy a house and your name isn't on the mortgage/deeds, you'll be left homeless without any recourse should you split.

@Beautiful3

I kind of understand his reasoning. I'm in the same position. I'm a sahm because the nursery fees outweigh my wages. So it makes sense to do the home and kids instead. This meant we could save up and buy a nice home.

Are you married?

He says because I’ve done it now I cannot go back to how things were and it will only further prove to him that my goals frequently change.
I would only consider going back to put me out of my misery dealing with his mood swings on the subject.
I think a more understanding person no matter how they felt on a subject, would try and be mindful of their reaction if things are too remain as they are but he can’t promise that.
Btw my goals do not frequently change, I’ve just tried to adapt to my circumstances and unfortunately like many people Covid has also played a part.
Ultimately he knew I wanted to return to what I have returned to yet even that he doesn’t take me seriously on and thinks I’m being a keeno to prove a point.

We are not married.
@Beautiful3 Thanks for your sharing your view, I assume this was discussed and decided between you both...unfortunately it wasn’t with us. I knew OH wanted a mortgage and I knew he was saving but I didn’t know that meant I had signed up to not work for the duration of that saving period or be so short on money. So if I’m expected to consider him why he didn’t when it came to what he thought my part to play was.

Thank you I will keep the job and in that small time I’ve already had an interview for a manager role within the company. If I got that, I’d be over the moon no more financial crap from him! Another thing he doesn’t take into consideration which you’ve all pointed out, the benefits of having a job.

You’re all exactly right he knows I cannot satisfy the job role which best suits him if I have my own job role on top. When what he should be doing is trying to think of how he can support my own job role so things like the house are as tidy as possible with two people taking care of it instead of one.

From everything you've written, this is all about my savings to him and not our savings.
If you are earning more then the family can save more, that's just basic maths, even if it's by a small amount. But what he's focused on is that because he's paying his fair share of the childcare costs, his savings will be slowed down.

That doesn't sound like a man who is looking out for the best interests of his child or partner and if you do go ahead and buy with him at any point' - no ltb here but please really think about if this is the type of person you want to spend your life with - then you need to make sure you protect yourself and your money. Because his current actions suggest he isn't going to.

It is also worth mentioning that when I took on my recent PT job (August 2020) I said in Summer of this year I'd look at FT and putting DC in nursery
So actually I am only a few months early on this which was discussed before I even applied for my current job.
He decided Mortgage in December 2020 and must of thought oh she'll go along with it
He didn't say 'I know you thought about returning FT next summer, I've had a thought about mortgage bla bla bla - what do you think? Is that feasible or do you want to remain on track for returning FT?'
Sorry this all just dawning on me lol
So had he done that maybe we'd be on a much similar page because like I said before I never thought me following my goal would drastically upset and uproot his goal which he says is for the family and of course we will receive benefit from but NOT if I have to be miserable for the remainder of time!

Sounds like he wants to keep you at at home because it’s convenient for him.

Please keep going in your career. You may need it one day.

You mentioned going half on rent and going half on nursery. It shouldn’t be about going halves, it should be about pooling incomes and paying bills from the joint income.

How are finances split?

@stackemhigh
That's how I would have it if I was the high earner but I just get on with it.
It's 50% on rent, he pays majority of the household bills.
I pay two of the house bills, cover 90% of everything DC wise other than what comes from food shop which OH pays for unless I had a particular good month commission wise (old job) and I would pay more into things when I could.

Are you left with same amount of disposable income as him after all bills/rent/costs are paid?

@stackemhigh Sorry missed of Nursery this will become 50% when I'm up and running with my wage end of April so far it's been 100% him.
When my wage is up and running, everything will be 50% even though his pay is at least double what I get.

@stackemhigh No, not even in the slightest which is another argument he claims in his favour.
I won't be able to contribute enough to the savings to warrant this job

If you quit your job you will struggle to get one. If you keep going you get years of experience and can then get promoted or go to an even better paid job. Don't let him block your chances of a career just so he can save more to buy himself a house. He is being very selfish and putting you in a very bad position

Funny how men like this are so traditional when it comes to keeping a woman tied to the home and limiting her potential.
Not so traditional when it comes to marriage and giving her legal rights.

@katy1213 Right!?! And while he's there why not give full access to the money if I have to organise everything and keep it in check. Don't want me to work then give me an allowance, not one I have to ask for but one that just goes straight in my bank.
He always brings this up yet it has never ever happened.
Obviously I cannot win. I must be housewife 2.0 (without the wedding)who needs for nothing except for fulfilling partners desire

Sounds like you're going to need that job and nursery place in the very near future.

He's deliberately putting obstacles in your way to avoid you having some independence and changing the goalposts each time you find a solution to the obstacles.

Scenario 1 - you're unemployed, him on approx £40k (you said double yours at £20k) but no nursery fees

Scenario 2 - joint income of £60k with part time nursery fees.

There's no way your mortgage options in scenario 2 are worse than scenario 1!! If you ask me, it's more about his control of you and your finances. Even more worrisome if he's planning on buying the house in his sole name.

Keep working!!! Do not give in to him and don't let him have that control back.

This is nothing about finances taking your new job in to consideration your household
Income is more then previous even with nursery fees. He is using that as an excuse when it makes 0 sense. He doesn’t want you working, he wants you at home, he is controlling and manipulative.

So you have minimal disposable income after expenses and he has enough to save approx £2k a month? And he calls these savings 'mine' not 'ours'?

Please don't give up your job.

Wait - bills will be split 50% even though he earns double what you do?

So you will be subsidising his savings to buy a house that you will have no rights too?

OP, this is a serious issue. Personally I think finances should be pooled, then bills (inc nursery), then savings, then equal or agreed allowance.

I know a lot do not agree with this but I don’t see how your set up is fair.

I often see on here that a non earning partner can't be on a mortgage. I was. I felt very strongly about buying a house asap. I finished uni about the same time as OHs office was closing down and he was offered relocation to a choice of offices elsewhere. We picked a cheap area to live and moved in to a house we bought. I jacked in my student job and started applying for jobs in the new area, ended up with a start date a couple of weeks after we moved in. At the point of move I had no job although I had contributed to our 10% deposit.
The mortgage company obviously couldn't include my non existent income in the calculations but they loved the idea of having two people to come after if we defaulted! You have children, so even more reason for your oh to share than for mine.

Yes 50% down the middle when his salary is closer to £50k then £40k when you factor in commission.

Also don't forget to add in money I owe him for what he's lent me when I've had next to nothing and he insisted (which I'm not kicking up a fuss about but it all adds up and I'd still rather have the job because at least stuff like that will become none existence)
Sometimes it's his savings, sometimes it's our savings.

I understand it's a crazy set up when you consider the disposable income and I should say something but I also don't want him to anything over me, I reckon he would add that to owed list I already have.

Lots to think about it, just so glad my thoughts are confirmed by many others Thanks so much x

As @PinkArt says, you are clearly better off as a pair by you working, despite the nursery fees. So his issue is that because he has set up the finances completely in his favour, HE is worse off. He sounds like an absolute bellend and clearly is planning to buy a house in his name only.

Honestly OP, this is one of those issues that you need to resolve absolutely now. No ifs or buts. The financials need to be sorted so he accepts that you are an equal pair with equal value. You would be crazy to accept anything less than this. He is a long way from it but it needs to be none negotiable.

Why on earth are you putting up with this absolute arsehole and his utterly selfish behaviour?

Was baby planned? Why is everything for him about “I” and not “we”?

Run fast. He’s showing you exactly who he is.

Thank you @Love51 that's very interesting especially since I know very little.