Selfish or not? Job or not?

[Eaaaar]

Hi, long time lurker here.
I need help and apologised for the length of my request.

So for context, I really enjoyed my job pre-baby and due to that company going into administration and PT hours being unusual in that sector I haven’t been able to return.

I lost a few PT jobs thanks to covid and then for months I gave up looking and relied on OH which he wanted all a long but I struggled without money to myself.
When Covid began to quieten in the summer I found a PT job WFH in a sector I wasn’t keen on but it best paid for the hours I’d be doing so took it to get some financial independence back.
After 5 months, I HATED IT, felt SO miserable and expressed this to OH.
It was difficult to keep motivated and WFH with our DC at home.
I was also struggling for money, after paying half of the rent I had hardly anything which had to be given to my personal outgoings.
So OH was covering majority of bills and food shop.

In what now must of only been a passing comment OH said do what you need to do, go FT, put DC in nursery if that will makes things better for you we will sort it.
This was music to my ears, and I admit perhaps I did things too quickly but I was excited to get into what I enjoy and have more money to contribute to household and myself.
Applied for a job in the sector I enjoy, checked a nursery and started the enrolment process once I knew I got the job.
OH was involved and made aware at every step yet leading up to starting the job and during my first week, we cannot see eye to eye.

I completed my first week today and have loved it so much, not even the job but just going in and being me.

We’ve argued about it again tonight.

OH wants to save for a mortgage which he decided in December and said this is a family goal.
He is upset because I’m causing this goal to get further away mainly due to Nursery Fees which must mean we have different goals.
He says even if I contribute to half the bills, him going half on Nursery wipes it out.
He brings up safety around Covid because he has underlying health issue but it only comes up when it suits him.
He said he told me so about the house not being as tidy as it used to be but doesn’t help keep it tidy because he has no time yet it’s okay that I juggle everything.
He tells me it’s hard for him to adjust because my goals change too much.
He says I’m selfish for all of this because I’ve only thought about myself and not considered how this affects anyone else.
He’s also annoyed that due to DC picking up illness from Nursery taster, we’ve all been ill this week.
I keep reminding him it won’t be like this forever.

Then a few days later he’ll say how proud he is of me and we’ll work through it until we argue again.

I’d also like to mention that DC is a toddler, only goes to Nursery twice a week and absolutely loves it.

AIBU and instead stay at home until we have a mortgage?
I really understand where he’s coming from on some parts but it’s hard to work around his every changing thought and I don’t want my mental health to suffer while I wait for him to say we’ve got enough to move out.

Please help with either helping me understand his POV or making me feel less selfish and more sane lol.

He is BU mainly because he agreed with it and as a partnership he should also have thought it through. He can't then winge after the fact when he didn't think it through.

I genuinely empathise because it can be difficult balancing family goals ,your own needs and the DC at the same time. We have been in an odd situation. For example I am qualified in three things A , B and C. A is really well paid and would sort us out heavily and far higher earning than DP , however the impact on everyone ,my stress levels , the dc contact time with me , childcare needs makes it a no starter until they are older (we have done it before and it's brutal) but it would be the most interesting job for me.

Option B is interesting to a point but more boring , lower paid but doesn't require childcare and more pocket stress rather than constant stress.

Option C would be lower pay ,longer hours and horrific for childcare and stressful.

We have gone for option B but the key here is that I chose that. We discussed the ins and outs of it. When I get a role that matches that (I will eventually purely due to the qualification aspect as not many people have that) there will be days of stress where DP needs to step up but he knows that.

Option A would have got us to our family goals a huge amount quicker but it would absolutely not have been worth it. It would have put horrible stress on all of us. In my case the stress would have really impacted me. DP knows and accepts financially we will be worse off but he thought it through as did I.

What I'm trying to get at is that working with children is always tricky but if your DH cannot stop being selfish and realise that your well being isnjust as important as those goals then he is a big problem.

Like you I miss my financial independence and that is a huge thing. Family goals should not automatically be more important than your needs. Like above its a balance.

He needs to be held to account for this. It is absolutely not OK for him to do this. It would be a lime in the sand for me. You are not just his wife or a mum ,you are you. We have a phrase in our house. 4 people in the house which means you each need the family to balance with all four 25% working together. He is trying to remove your 25% and use it for himself.

@Eaaaar you say you are inexperienced and have a bad credit score - how much do you know about the finances of the two of you - in terms of rent/bills etc.

I think your starting point is that you are working - you are enjoying it and it is making you feel much better. Its not about finances but about your mental health and well being and that isnt going to change.

That you also want to look into your credit score - I cant work out if you have a bad credit score or debts but either way

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/credit-rating-credit-score/

Will help. If it is debts that paying those off is a priority.

And that if you are buying a house - it is together. I think you need some discussion of joint and individual finances together.

A lot of communicating is needed here and no mention of selfishness. I think the minute he does you need to shut him down

I'm confused, if you're paying £55 twice a week, £110 a week total and you're paying that for 52 weeks a year max that's £5720. You're earning £8000 more, minus £1600ish for tax and NI that's £6400.

So while you're only about £700 better off, it seems like you're still better off and I don't understand why you would need to put off buying a house??

My suggestion would be that you only pay towards rent and bills what you used to when you were on the lower wage ie the wage he expected to get a mortgage next summer on. Then you pay all the nursery fees yourself so you are not 'making' him pay half and 'holding the family back' from getting a mortgage. Obviously it's all BS but it seems he has an issue with paying nursery fees, so i would pay them yourself and reduce what you contribute to the other bills that he does seem happy to pay. x

Absolutely do not give up working. At some point you are going to have a decision about your future with this awful man who doesn't give a shit about you. You are not being selfish, you are protecting your future and that of your child for the inevitable split. And it will be inevitable. He's not going to change and will only get worse.

Thank you for your responses, I have read them all and appreciate it a lot.
Especially @Shinyletsbebadguys seems like your family have worked out a similar situation very well and I hope mine can do the same.
I know how much he earns in terms of contract agreement but he gets commission and I don’t know exactly how much that is every month.
I know all the bills because they’re in my name, organised by me and I either use his card or he’ll put the money in my account in time for the DD. It’s all written down so he’s fully aware of everything as well.
Nursery is £55 per day. Whether I pay it all or we split it, he has to pay the first fees and deposit due to how low my pay was and when I will be getting paid from my current job which has begun the irritation from him but it was agreed before I went ahead.

Thanks for the debt help! Being inexperienced refers to mortgages and property ladder, I don’t have the slightest clue.

That’s what is partly driving me mad he says he understands and echoes what some of you have said but it’s like he’s fighting two different voices in his head because if he truly felt one way we wouldn’t be battling it out everyday.
I wish we were better at communicating and I do need to note all the finances down so I can back myself up in our discussions (his ranting). At the moment absolutely anything ends up relating to the situation to him and he rants about it again.
Over the weekend he’s been looking at properties and then saying ‘Not that they’re in price range, actually I don’t even know what our price range is anymore now’ then he says ‘Our goals are so different I need to have a think what to do with what I’ve saved, maybe I need to go down a different route’ and ‘I don’t see why you can’t wait 12/14 months when we’ve got the house and then do what you like’

I even suggested stopping everything because I cannot cope with this attitude and mood from him every time something is slightly stressful or not his way and he said ‘Well you’ve done it now, this is the type of stuff you think of before you go ahead’ I replied ‘I didn’t think for a second that you would make such a big deal of it and we can’t have this every week’ ‘Well if it’s not going to be as bad as this week (mainly us all getting ill) and we are actually better off then it will fine, if you’re only £30 better off than I will have the hump’

Are you doing tax free childcare OP?

@Sansaplans I plan to but because my last job I didn't earn enough to pay tax, I am waiting for payslip from new place to start that.
I have explained that benefit to OH and he says 'We'll see' with eyes rolling.

I’m sorry but he can’t be that highly paid if fifty five quid a week wipes him out. In fact I’d say he’s rather skint and likely low paid

Honestly, these men need a wake up call. Tell him to fuck off, the 50s were a long time ago, you’re both equal and if he wants the little wife he can don a pinafore himself.

[quote Eaaaar]@Sansaplans I plan to but because my last job I didn't earn enough to pay tax, I am waiting for payslip from new place to start that.
I have explained that benefit to OH and he says 'We'll see' with eyes rolling. [/quote]
Only one of you needs to apply, can he? It does save a fair bit a month.

Another thing that he doesn't seem to understand but expects so much when the shoe is on the other foot.
He never ever ever said to me, I think we can afford a mortgage end of summer 2022 and I want to do concentrate on this but the best way in my opinion is if you remain unemployed or get a PT job in something else you can bare until then.
Had he done that I'd of point blank said no and we could've reevaluated things. Yet he expects that I'd be okay with that runaway with that idea and I'm selfish for 'running away' with my new employment when in reality he knew every step.

@Eaaaar

If Your dp earns so much, it should be easy for him to save right?

@Bluntness100 Sorry I didn't explain well previously.
DC nursery fees are £110 a week because the £55 is per session which she attends two of every week.

@Mylovelyhorsee He will still save but not at the same amount he used which I believe was £2k a month meaning the time he'd achieve the house goal would've of been a lot sooner.

@Sansaplans Oh I thought it needed both of our details. I'll have another look into it! Thank you

@Alonelonelyloner

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!

breathes

He is being selfish. You need to work for your own self-esteem and your own income. You have not changed any goalposts, you are doing what it takes to ensure your future as well as that of your family.

This.

I gave up work to become a sahm but if my dh behaved like your dp I would have run, not walked, back to work as I wouldn’t have wanted to live like that.

You are your own person, with your own needs. You are not an extension of him. You can meet your needs to work and have a life outside the home and still achieve your shared goals. I certainly wouldn’t want my dh to be unhappy and if that meant something had to wait then so be it. He sounds very self centred.

Wtf. He'll get too sick to work if your child goes to nursery??🤣
Does he know this child will be in school for the guts of 12+ years after nursery???

Hes controlling,doesnt like you having a life. He wants you at home with the child.

This mortgage thing is coming up to try keep you tied to the kitchen sink.

PLEASE DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.

Stand up to him and tell him to fuck off. You're sick of him complaining you have one life and you are living it... he doesn't get to control you or guilt you into being under his control.

Is it this?

Man wants to keep working at Important Job, wants wife to stay home, keep house tidy and not work.

It’s that innit. The degree of unacceptable to me this would be is hard to even put into words.

You are not here on this planet just for him.

You weren't made in order to support someone else's career and keep their home for them.

You are partners,not his carer.

Just because he works does NOT make him more important than anyone

I really think you should keep up the job. Earning potential increases the longer you are in employment but also while a mortgage is a great goal, if you’re miserable in day to day life then it won’t bring you much joy. Also why would you sacrifice something so important if your name isn’t on the mortgage and it isn’t clear that you get 50% of the equity in the mortgage? These things definitely need to be talked about and confirmed in iron clad contracts.
If you choose to stop work at any point then his wage needs to go into a joint bank account for you to access as and when you WANT (not need!) and while big purchases may be something to discuss from both partners he needs to understand that it isn’t his money because you are enabling him to earn it.
You are absolutely not selfish! You need to establish that you are equal partners and if you choose to make sacrifices in your career to better a family position then you need security on an individual level.

OP, I don’t know if you are aware of the tax free childcare account where the Government pay 20% of your childcare fees. It’s really easy to set up.

He’s not very good at maths - is he?

If you do tax free childcare (and why wouldn’t you) then it comes out of your pre-tax income.

20k - 12k = 8k.

55 2 52 = £5720.

Your pay rise is more than the additional cost of nursery. Your family is better off with you doing the new job.

It isnt about pay. It's about your happiness. He's a mortgage about your happiness. He expects you to give up your own happiness for a finanical goal and so he can continue to do as he wants. Clearly that isn't ok. It doesn't matter if it is 'less logical' for you to work . That's assuming logic can only relate to finances and not mental wellbeing. He is being a dick.

I think it’s very important you make it absolutely plain that you do not solely exist to serve him and accommodate his desires.

You’re not married are you?