Selfish or not? Job or not?

[Eaaaar]

Hi, long time lurker here.
I need help and apologised for the length of my request.

So for context, I really enjoyed my job pre-baby and due to that company going into administration and PT hours being unusual in that sector I haven’t been able to return.

I lost a few PT jobs thanks to covid and then for months I gave up looking and relied on OH which he wanted all a long but I struggled without money to myself.
When Covid began to quieten in the summer I found a PT job WFH in a sector I wasn’t keen on but it best paid for the hours I’d be doing so took it to get some financial independence back.
After 5 months, I HATED IT, felt SO miserable and expressed this to OH.
It was difficult to keep motivated and WFH with our DC at home.
I was also struggling for money, after paying half of the rent I had hardly anything which had to be given to my personal outgoings.
So OH was covering majority of bills and food shop.

In what now must of only been a passing comment OH said do what you need to do, go FT, put DC in nursery if that will makes things better for you we will sort it.
This was music to my ears, and I admit perhaps I did things too quickly but I was excited to get into what I enjoy and have more money to contribute to household and myself.
Applied for a job in the sector I enjoy, checked a nursery and started the enrolment process once I knew I got the job.
OH was involved and made aware at every step yet leading up to starting the job and during my first week, we cannot see eye to eye.

I completed my first week today and have loved it so much, not even the job but just going in and being me.

We’ve argued about it again tonight.

OH wants to save for a mortgage which he decided in December and said this is a family goal.
He is upset because I’m causing this goal to get further away mainly due to Nursery Fees which must mean we have different goals.
He says even if I contribute to half the bills, him going half on Nursery wipes it out.
He brings up safety around Covid because he has underlying health issue but it only comes up when it suits him.
He said he told me so about the house not being as tidy as it used to be but doesn’t help keep it tidy because he has no time yet it’s okay that I juggle everything.
He tells me it’s hard for him to adjust because my goals change too much.
He says I’m selfish for all of this because I’ve only thought about myself and not considered how this affects anyone else.
He’s also annoyed that due to DC picking up illness from Nursery taster, we’ve all been ill this week.
I keep reminding him it won’t be like this forever.

Then a few days later he’ll say how proud he is of me and we’ll work through it until we argue again.

I’d also like to mention that DC is a toddler, only goes to Nursery twice a week and absolutely loves it.

AIBU and instead stay at home until we have a mortgage?
I really understand where he’s coming from on some parts but it’s hard to work around his every changing thought and I don’t want my mental health to suffer while I wait for him to say we’ve got enough to move out.

Please help with either helping me understand his POV or making me feel less selfish and more sane lol.

any relationship that has one person feeling they owe something to the other isnt a healthy one at all OP

He also needs to remember the three year old funding. If you’re working then you will entitled to 30 hours funding but if you sahm then you will only get 15 hours. It’s a lot of money to lose. I have an extra £300 a month due to getting 30 hours.

@Skysblue

You’re not being selfish. This is a very common situation OP... Woman stops working to have baby, woman’s job prospects evaporate, man says it just ‘makes sense’ if he gets the money and she does the child and cleaning house and anything else that ever needs doing. Woman agrees because it’s best for the baby and her self esteem is down, plus she’s exhausted and trusts him.

But it’s bad for the relationship. Woman gets depressed over having no colleagues / escape from home / financial independence. Man becomes resentful his wife ‘isn’t happy’ despite ‘not having to work’. Man doesn’t do any of the night wakings / mealtimes / housework and takes all of the lie-ins, yet makes sniping comments about ‘I wish I could stay home all day doing nothing.’ Woman doesn’t find this very attractive: sex becomes rare. Man feels rejected and becomes even more of an ass. Eventually man and woman realise they don’t feel the same about each other anymore. Maybe they stay together maybe they don’t. But by this time all the financial power, pension, job prospects etc are with the man, and the child has grown up and gone, and the woman is too old / out of job market to long to attract a good job. Of course this doesn’t always happen. I’m just saying that it is a very very common story.

If you have a job that makes you happy then for gods sake stay in it. It may not make financial sense over the next 2-3 years but it does over the next 5-10 years. Even if it never makes financial sense, it keeps you sane and financially independent and there’s a lot to be said for that.

This should be pinned at the top of the relationships board!

Your DH is being an arse.
Seriously the house isnt tidy enough?
I would have gone ballistic if he had said this to me.
Tidy it up then dickhead

OP Do not give up your job, grit your teeth and tell him its not negotiable.
Do not be beaten down on this or you will wake up in 20 years with no job, no self esteem and your DH and DC will review with the same regard as a domestic appliance.

@Shamoo This is what I mean about it's as if he's fighting two different voices in his own head.
Sometimes he'll say what you've said and then other times he makes me the opposite. You're right it is a works out best for him situation.

@TomHardyAndMe Yes planned baby and again like above, I and we seem to switch around every so often.

@Quartz2208 OH says that's a complex I have, trying to be miss independent and I should see everything as ours, money, plans etc and then he behaves like this and wonders why

Why are you contributing 50% of rent and bills when you were earning a quarter of his salary previously? He is not treating you as a partner. Don’t buy a house with him without some legal protection ie marriage or your name on the deeds

@user1471462428 Thank you, I have mentioned this to him as well (although only the once) and he said well I wanted to get us a house before then.
For some reason, this house plan completely disappears, no way we can have one a year or two later than he planned

@Templetrees It should be! @Skysblue Hit the absolute nail on the head

I know I was very angry and he says he doesn't have the time, he works as hard as he does for the hours that he does because I keep my side of the bargain so well, he couldn't do anything without me so with me having the job I can't do it and that's stressful for him.

He's the selfish one OP. Not you. Don't give up your job whatever you do!

His attitude towards you is telling ... you need to protect yourself financially and KEEP YOUR JOB.

And don't let him buy a house if your name isn't on the deeds, too.

@Lattissima5

Why are you contributing 50% of rent and bills when you were earning a quarter of his salary previously? He is not treating you as a partner. Don’t buy a house with him without some legal protection ie marriage or your name on the deeds

Exactly, no wonder his savings plan is going so bloody well!

I outearn DH by a considerable amount and we therefore split the bills proportionately. I’m about to go on mat leave though so he’ll pick up the slack.

Op you need some financial literacy and fast

It sounds very much like he intends to get a house in his name only. He is financially abusing you to build his savings. If you are a truly committed couple bills should be split pro rata based on your salaries. He should be paying half of all expenses for your DC and the priority should be paying off your debts and improving your credit score so that you are able to go on the mortgage.
If he complains about your hours some useful points to make are: the 30 free hours one mentioned by a PP, the opportunity to increase your experience and therefore wages, your pension payments. If he earns so much more then he is in a better position to take the career hit.

Keep your job. He needs to step up round the house and contribute. He is thinking purely of himself not as a family unit. Protect yourself. Stay employed and work on your debts. Savings should be in a joint account

I always, always have major side eye for a man who wants his DP to stay at home and puts her under pressure to do so when she doesn't want to, and this thread is a classic case in point as to why, tbh.

I'm with everyone else: you're going to need that job and nursery place, so hold onto them. From here, it looks pretty clear that he's controlling and gaslighting you. Everything you say is about how it's his way or the highway, about how he tries to convince you that his goals are your goals, about how he changes his position all the time and does what it takes to keep you down. Alarm bells are ringing all over the shop for me.

Why are you paying 50% of everything if he earns double ??
Can't he see you'll be able to get a bigger mortgage if you're both earning ?
Saying that , not sure I'd want to but a house with such a dick who wants a little wifey at home.

As others have said, your pay increase will more than cover the cost of nursery. So you taking the job will have ZERO impact on your ability to save for a house (with the exception of this one month while you wait to get paid). So that complaint is nonsense and can be dismissed.

What he's actually annoyed about is that you'll no longer be doing all the housework. And his comfortable life has got more complicated. Well, tough titties - you're both working FT now, so you're both responsible for tidying up. If he's complaining about how untidy it is, maybe he needs to do something about it.

Yes 50% down the middle

Esp if he's expecting you to pay 50% of the bills! I assume he also therefore expects to contribute 50% of the childcare and housework himself?!

As for the complaint that your child has been ill all week - if not now (with nursery), then you'll be in exactly the same situation with starting school. May as well get it done now.

Also don't forget to add in money I owe him for what he's lent me when I've had next to nothing
Sometimes it's his savings, sometimes it's our savings.

I'm also curious why he was loaning you money when you're married? If he was going out to work and you were looking after the kids, then his income should be shared. Any surplus he had should have been shared with you.

OP, there's plenty of reasons for continuing in your new job (esp with a husband like this), but the most important one is this:

I completed my first week today and have loved it so much, not even the job but just going in and being me.

You're entitled to work FT just as much as he is.

I don't think OP is married

I can’t believe he’s moaning about not being able to save as much as he used to - did he think babies are free? Did this grown adult not realise that having a child would leave him with less disposable income?

Not only that, but he’s calling you selfish because you won’t accept having LESS money so that he can have more?!

He’s an idiot, and very selfish.

He sounds awful op
A real controlling bully

You need to write down your combined financials on a piece of paper, showing you’re better off working, pin them to the fridge and simply point him toward them whenever he starts going off on one again.

It's not a 'family goal' because the savings, and the house, are not the family's. They're his. Just his. Why should you organise your entire life so that he can buy himself a house sooner, while keeping you as poor as he can?

He won't change. And why would he when he's got a woman to do the shitwork while he can still criticise her for not doing as much of the shitwork as he can? He wants you poor, indebted, working and doing everything at home, not married, second guessing yourself and feeling guilty. All while he just works, saves and buys himself a lovely house which he won't share.

There aren't any family goals so if I was you I'd work very hard on my own goals.

Red flags all over the place OP. Please think very carefully about how to avoid being put in an unbelievably vulnerable position.

Ps. Your partner is not sounding like one of the decent ones.

"what now must of only been a passing comment OH said do what you need to do, go FT, put DC in nursery if that will makes things better for you we will sort it. "

Why did your dh being up this point then backtrack over it, and claim a different story with other goals ?

So if I’ve understood this correctly:

• You and OH aren’t married and he would like to buy a house for himself with you to contribute.

• If you work PT, you still pay half of the rent and all bills, leaving you with very little for yourself. He keeps all of the rest of the money he earns for himself.

• OH is now annoyed because he has to share childcare costs, meaning that you now have some money left over for yourself (which he doesn’t care about) but “his” money is diminished.

• Regardless of whether you work PT or FT, it is solely your fault if the house gets untidy.

Yes OP, you’re the selfish one.

If you aren’t married his savings are his. If he didn’t put your name on the house it would be his. There is no way i would be paying 50% of bills when he earns double and doesn’t share!

Good evening, thanks again to everyone for your advice and taking the time to read and type.
I just needed that reassurance.
50% rent and or bill situation is something I think I pushed myself into. During some parts of last year I was paying less than 50% of our rent and out of nowhere he had a problem with it which ended in arguments. With the with all the ups and downs of work, covid etc he says he didn’t know know how much income I actually had to contribute so perhaps my reduced amount wasn’t fair if I was earning more. I said I don’t have enough and showed him but said from now on I will prioritise that and since then it’s been 50% rent - he didn’t say anything else.
Then with this new job I felt quite desperate to convince him it was a good thing that when he said about what he’d be forking out I said well I’ll be going 50% he doubled checked I meant on everything and I said yes everything. Silly I know but to be honest, with what I already owe him as I said before I’d prefer it that way.

We are not married and I didn’t ever want to ask for money from him but that meant ‘I had an independence complex and it was better to borrow from him then someone else’ I began to trust him, took him up on the offer here and there but when he feels like it he’ll remind me as well as pick and choose what I should pay back and what he feels nice enough to not make me pay back.

Anyway, I know I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture of our relationship lol and I’m hoping we can communicate better to get over this hurdle so I will start by writing down our finances and setting some ground rules.

But, who knows.... Hope everyone has had a nice weekend.

So... if you're paying half the bills and he's not supporting you finanically... why are you taking on his half of the childcare and housework?