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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I take my daughter out of school for this

111 replies

friesandchais · 25/03/2021 20:35

Hi,
My dd is 14 and year 10, up
Until year 9 there were no problems at school, but in year 10 a girls who had previously left the school re joined again and started trouble. My dd was quite popular and had a good circle of friends and this girls took my dds best friend aside and started making up
Lies that my dd had been talking about her abs spreading rumours, which resulted in them falling out, dd was very upset. It didn't stop there, the 2 girls then went around yelling other people and they started ganging up on her. One day after school those girls were chasing her to say they were going to beat her up and luckily I got there in time and got in her in the car... she was terrified and shaking, next day I went in to speak the the head of year abs they then arranged a meeting with me and my dd and the other girl and her mum, abs we basically long story short managed to sort it out and the girls mum
Promises it wouldn't happen again.
Now after lockdown the other girls has taken the other best friend of my dd abs basically done the same in spreading rumours, for a few weeks my dd has been saying no one talks to her abs they all laughs at her and whisper about her, she's very upset, today the teacher forced them
To sort it out and then later at lunch the girls came over to her while my dd was eating and stayed shouting saying why are you talking about me to others, my daughter denied it but didn't get up to avoid confrontation the girl started throwing food at dd she still isn't get up. Teacher then took them out and out my dd in isolation and told her off and said she should have moved away but the other girls didn't get isolated. Ss called my crying frantically to come take her and she never wants to go to the school again.

I've made an appointment to see the head tomorrow. Dd has always been very very good and her study but recently her grades have dropped, she's now insisting she wants to leave the school. I can't bear to see her like this but I'm also worried about moving her in year 10 after already basically missing a yet due to lockdown, and what if she can't get her chosen subjects in another schools? Does anyone have any advice on how it works if I move her now? Should I move her ?

Sorry that was a long post

OP posts:
MyGrassIsBrowner · 25/03/2021 23:53

I will add my parents didn't want me to change schools, I stuck with it but ended up flunking my GCSE's. I bitterly regret it and wish I'd moved. I hope you get her sorted OP. So sorry she's going through this. It breaks my heart.

whatwherewhywhenhow · 26/03/2021 00:10

I’d move schools and put her straight into year 9 at the new school if they will allow that and if she agrees. Otherwise just change schools and she can work to catch up.

I’d leave your younger daughter where she is if she’s happy. It doesn’t make sense to move her into a new environment for no reason (from her perspective).

Original poster
friesandchais · 26/03/2021 00:23

@MyGrassIsBrowner oh my goodness that's awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Makes me firmer in my decision to move dd. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
friesandchais · 26/03/2021 00:25

@whatwherewhywhenhow if that would be possible that would be great. I'm not sure it's an option though, but when I have a ring around the local schools, hopefully tomorrow, I'll definitely ask if this will be possible. Thanks

OP posts:
Saracen · 26/03/2021 00:30

Since you have decided not to leave her where she is, the quickest way to get your daughter out of this misery is to remove her immediately and home educate her for the time being while looking at the options for the longer term.

Assuming you live in England or Wales and she does not attend a special school, you do not need permission from anyone and you don't have to give any notice. You can just send a deregistration letter to the school and she never has to set foot in the school again.

Come on over to the Home Ed board if you need any advice about the legal side of it, or if you are thinking that longer-term home ed might be a solution and want to know how exams etc work. You will get lots of support there.

HedgeOwl · 26/03/2021 00:32

Thank you so much for being an awesome mum to your DD. What you are doing and acknowledging her pain will help her heal so Michu more than anything else.

FireflyRainbow · 26/03/2021 00:32

Don't send her there to be bullied every day it stays with you for life unfortunately.

MyGrassIsBrowner · 26/03/2021 00:35

@friesandchais

You're definitely doing the right thing. I can guarantee you the school wont do a damn thing with that other girl! I wish you the best of luck. Keep being an amazing mum 💖

AmberItsACertainty · 26/03/2021 01:02

Two complaints. One about the school not tackling the bullying and one about the teacher who put DD in isolation because that was bullying by the teacher. As someone who was bullied in school including by a couple of teachers I say move DD. Another school, college, apprenticeship, whatever is available can't be worse than what she's experiencing now. Ruined grades is the least of your worries, ruined self esteem and the impact on future relationships with bosses/colleagues/romantic partner/friends is by far the bigger problem. Her ability to be assertive and value herself is what has the impact on whether your life is miserable or not, qualifications don't really come into it. She can gain whatever qualifications she might need later on if she fails this time round.

Lampzade · 26/03/2021 01:22

Agree with other posters . Op you are an amazing mum

1forAll74 · 26/03/2021 01:48

I would think, that removing the bullying girls would be the best option.. not forever. but just a period of time,until they get it in their heads,that bullying is not acceptable at all. You need to teach bullies a lesson, as it's nasty disruptive behaviour.

CockneyCutie · 26/03/2021 02:26

You sound a lovely caring Mum!! Definitely get her out of that horrid situation, it has a massive impact on teens and their mental health. I was picked on from the start of secondary school til my bullies left when I was 14. Then I absolutely flourished, passed my exams and went on to college. I loved school for those s last couple of years! It was 40-something years ago but you never ever forget.
I always have a wry smile when I see them on FB, telling everyone to “be kind” and joining in with anything and everything to look caring and ‘happening’.
They were utterly cruel to me, particularly as I had lost my Mum just before I started at this school.
All the very best to you and your daughter🌻

VashtaNerada · 26/03/2021 03:08

Regardless of your decision it could be really useful to keep a diary with DD about the behaviour. There’s something very stark about seeing written down how frequently this is happening, what the behaviour is, and its affect on DD. It would help the school decide how the bullies should be punished, how DD can be supported until the move, and might be cathartic for her as well.

TinyGringotts · 26/03/2021 03:33

I've just moved my daughter to a knew school. She is younger and not in an exam year so there wasn't that impact. However, over my dead body was she going to stay and put up with the bullying. So we moved her. As well as getting her out of a toxic environment, she knows that I will step in and fight for her. That 'putting up with it' or 'riding it out' is not something she'll be asked to endure.

Pesimistic · 26/03/2021 06:17

I would talk to head in person and in writing, also email n the governors as schools seem to take action if governors are involved but just sweep bullying under the carpet if not. But I'd also move her, I wouldn't wait to see if things improved her mental health is far to important and if thw school isn't going to protect your child while at school you have no choice but to take her out of it. I'm fed up of schools down playing bulling as a non issue when if it was happening in the street it would be a police issue

haliborangemrmen · 26/03/2021 06:54

You've made the right decision. The school are failing in their duty of care to your daughter, so the only option really is to move her. I was also bullied, it affected my MH for many many years. It's great that you have your daughter's back. My parents and school adopted the toughen up attitude. I hated school, and I felt let down by my parents.

Womencanlift · 26/03/2021 07:36

You are making the right decision OP however I would keep that to yourself at the beginning of the meeting.

Use the meeting to understand how they are going to change their bullying policy as right now it isn’t working. Definitely say that you will be going to the police.

Even though you have made the right decision in moving your older DD, you do have another DD at that school you have the opportunity now to make the school change which will benefit her if she is staying there.

LittleMG · 26/03/2021 07:53

Ex teacher here. Leave the school listen to your daughter poor kid x

CantBeAssed · 26/03/2021 08:12

I had exactly same issue with my dd at this age....we tried to brave it out but in the end moved her...it was the best choice ever..like yoir dd says..she cant study with this going on so you basically have nothing to lose..

SchrodingersUnicorn · 26/03/2021 08:49

Take her out. If she's an August birthday call round schools and ask if she can start year 10 again in September elsewhere.
Even if she has to go into year 10 now and catch up over summer, take her out.
It's almost impossible for schools to really sort out bullying. We aren't allowed to do anything without concrete 'evidence' (ie witnesses who will give written statements against the bullies, which never happens because they are all scared of them). Of course they aren't stupid enough to do it in front of teachers. It's also nigh on impossible to remove them from the school, it has to go to the governors, a panel etc because of the bully's 'right to an education'. The whole system doesn't work and more often than not we are completely powerless. Even if something can be done it's a lengthy process (usually a year). Get her out now.

Original poster
friesandchais · 26/03/2021 08:58

Thank you everyone you all are so supportive, I'll definitely try and see is she can repeat the year.
@VashtaNerada keeping a diary is a really good idea actually thanks.

@Saracen yes I'm in England, I haven't sent her in today and won't be sending her in again, they still have some of the I love classes which I'm hoping she can use u til we find a school but if she can't then we will work on homeschooling. I'll definitely pop over to the homeschooling board. Thanks so much for your help.

OP posts:
Nith · 26/03/2021 09:21

That’s impractical. She will still see the bullies

No, @Lampzade, because I was suggesting a Year 9 class at another school in order to start GCSE preparation again.

Houseworkavoider · 26/03/2021 09:40

Good luck will the meeting today. Flowers

Lampzade · 26/03/2021 09:44

@Nith

That’s impractical. She will still see the bullies

No, @Lampzade, because I was suggesting a Year 9 class at another school in order to start GCSE preparation again.

Oh sorry @Nith
Cloudyrainsham · 26/03/2021 10:00

I have a daughter in year 10 too. It sounds all too familiar. If she wants to move I’d definitely move her. My daughter has had a few issues but nothing too bad. It seems friends change from week to week. Nothings changed it was the same when I was at school but we didn’t have the issue of sinusoid media so the kids just can’t get away from it.

I also have a boy in year 9. The girls do seem worse, although he’s had issues too.

I hope you find a nice school and she’ll be happy.

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