Shall I take my daughter out of school for this

[friesandchais]

Hi,
My dd is 14 and year 10, up
Until year 9 there were no problems at school, but in year 10 a girls who had previously left the school re joined again and started trouble. My dd was quite popular and had a good circle of friends and this girls took my dds best friend aside and started making up
Lies that my dd had been talking about her abs spreading rumours, which resulted in them falling out, dd was very upset. It didn't stop there, the 2 girls then went around yelling other people and they started ganging up on her. One day after school those girls were chasing her to say they were going to beat her up and luckily I got there in time and got in her in the car... she was terrified and shaking, next day I went in to speak the the head of year abs they then arranged a meeting with me and my dd and the other girl and her mum, abs we basically long story short managed to sort it out and the girls mum
Promises it wouldn't happen again.
Now after lockdown the other girls has taken the other best friend of my dd abs basically done the same in spreading rumours, for a few weeks my dd has been saying no one talks to her abs they all laughs at her and whisper about her, she's very upset, today the teacher forced them
To sort it out and then later at lunch the girls came over to her while my dd was eating and stayed shouting saying why are you talking about me to others, my daughter denied it but didn't get up to avoid confrontation the girl started throwing food at dd she still isn't get up. Teacher then took them out and out my dd in isolation and told her off and said she should have moved away but the other girls didn't get isolated. Ss called my crying frantically to come take her and she never wants to go to the school again.

I've made an appointment to see the head tomorrow. Dd has always been very very good and her study but recently her grades have dropped, she's now insisting she wants to leave the school. I can't bear to see her like this but I'm also worried about moving her in year 10 after already basically missing a yet due to lockdown, and what if she can't get her chosen subjects in another schools? Does anyone have any advice on how it works if I move her now? Should I move her ?

Sorry that was a long post

She doesn't need her chosen subjects to get into her A level subject choices. As long as she can catch up at a new school with any subject she's given, she'll be able to do her proper choices at A Level. If she goes to college to do her A Level equivalent course (Level 3) she'll be able to pick from a wider range of options and will have plenty of support there, more so than she would at sixth form. She'll likely find college has students who are more mature so she won't have this issue again. Also, if this does muck up her GCSEs she can always retake them at college. Prioritise her mental health and safety and move her now. There are always ways to catch her up and these nasty people won't have any impact on her success or happiness anymore.

Hope she and you are okay.

@SplendidSuns1000 thank you x in the worst situation where she has to retake her GCSEs can she not retake them in her school? Does she retake the year? Or does she have to retake only in college ?

Also you can take her out and say you're electively home educating her until you find a suitable place at a school or college for her to complete her GCSE's. Your local Social Services can advise you on this if you go down this route. I have experience in this so if you need any advice I'm happy to help

A girl moved to my DD school for similar reasons and they gave her the option of repeating the year.

So she started in year 10 and in June time they had a meeting to see if her work was going ok or if she should repeat year 10.

This might be offered to your DD if she moves school.

She won't be concentrating on her work where she is if she's so unhappy though so I would try and move her.

@SplendidSuns1000 yes I think that's what we will do until we find a school.

She would be able to retake them at school but from personal experience I think she'd benefit retaking them at college. Smaller class sizes, specialist teachers, etc all contribute to overall more support in retaking exams and she'd only have to retake her core subjects (maths, english, biology) in order to get a level 3 degree. You can retake them at school but it's a lot less support and she could end up going to college to redo them anyway.

@AngelicInnocent that's would be the perfect scenario, she's the youngest in her year too abs mid august baby so that would be good, I'll definitely afk the schools when I contact them thanks

you are doing the right thing.
who cares about grades, your daughter's health is way more important.
she may not lose out academically at all, and if she does she can catch up later. having her safe is A1 priority.
you are a good parent.
as to your younger child, let her stay if she want to, or go to new school.

@alexdgr8 thank you so much, her health and happiness are my number 1 priority. She's a smart and ambitious girls who wants to become a dentist.

I agree with the previous posters who have said that if she is being bullied this will affect her studying. If you can find an alternative school, then I would hope that they will really try to help. To a previous poster who asked, I don't have children of this age now - they are older, but I would not tolerate this sort of bullying. Sadly some schools do not have a grip on bullying - and some are excellent. Catching up on grades is easier than recovering damaged self confidence which can take much longer. The OP has said that her daughter usually studies well which is a good sign that with the right support from a new school she would settle well.

I would move her in a heartbeat OP. We moved DS1 in year 9 because of similar circumstances that his previous school said was six of one and half a dozen of the other.
He flourished in his new school and is now a nurse, his bully meanwhile, is in prison for stabbing someone.
Her mental health is worth so much more than a bloody GCSE.

At the time we were moving our DSs school we had lots of negativity from friends who said we were teaching him to run away. We didnt see it like that, we saw it as teaching him that he doesn't have to put up with crap or being unhappy and that he has the power to change his life. It was a change that school couldnt protect him properly (I feel that they also failed the bully, who went on to stab) but ultimately as his parents, we felt we had a duty to do so.

@FontyMcFontface

Mental health is worth far more than grades. It’s far easier to retake a gcse than to rebuild shattered self esteem.

She will do best if she’s happy. And there are more important things in life. I would move her. Yes, I do have a teenage dc. Nothing’s worth sacrificing the mental health for.

This. Over and over again.

@Serin that's amazing, your definitely right it's about teaching them they don't have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Unfortunately schools let so many of us down.

Thank you everyone

As people say, she can't move without it affecting GCSE preparation. I'd suggest looking into whether she can move into a Year 9 class.

Op, you are definitely doing the right thing. No need to send her in tomorrow she can work independently and focus on her core subjects while you look for a new school . She is young, if she has to retake a year in college then so be it.
If your other dc is happy at the school she can stay.
My three dc all went to different secondary schools
Your daughter will flourish

@Nith

As people say, she can't move without it affecting GCSE preparation. I'd suggest looking into whether she can move into a Year 9 class.

That’s impractical. She will still see the bullies. My dh’s nephew moved schools in year ten and is now a solicitor

I’m so glad you’ve decided to move her, OP. She will get through this with supportive parents who are listening to her and valuing her feelings.

Your y7 dc is a tricky one. I guess it depends on all kinds of factors. My instinct is to say that I wouldn’t want my dc in a school that deals so badly with bullying and doesn’t support it’s pupils. But how upset would your younger dd be at the idea of moving? Could you manage to get them both a place in the same alternative school? Are there logistical issues with them being in different schools?

I guess you don’t have to decide immediately, you can move older dd and then make a decision end of y7 for the younger, once you know where dd1 will be and how dd2 feels about it?

@friesandchais

Thank you everyone, me and dh have made the decision to definitely move her school, it's an awful situation. I'll definitely be escalating this, the ringleader as it is has been involved in lots of other things like this too recently so I'm Not sure what the heck the school are doing.

Hopefully she'll be fine with her exams and if not it's not the end of the world she can repeat them.

I have a younger dd In year 7 there too who has settled well and is happy, would you think I should move her too? Or Leave her be?
Thanks so much everyone

It's not essential for children to attend the same secondary school as their siblings as they go to school independently of their parents.

If your other DC is happy I'd leave them there, whilst keeping a close eye on the situation.

@FontyMcFontface I'd feel bad moving her as she's settles well and made a good couple of friends, an obviously ur to lockdown her year 6 didn't even properly and they didn't have much of this year either, ideally I don't want to
Unsettle her. I think I'll move the older one then decide by the summer what to do with younger dd. Thanks

Good luck OP and you sound like a lovely mum.

@FontyMcFontface thank you so much ❤️

OP you and your husband sound amazing. I would do two things, totally call the school out and demand some sort of action or explanation plus move your daughter. To me it would show to your daughter that you support her and also that the school needs to explain their actions, or lack of. Good luck x

@SRS29 thank you so much, will definitely be calling her school our and escalating this. I have a meeting with the principal and head of year tomorrow morning.

I was in a very similar situation to this in high school, was bullied verbally by a so called best friend who decided to start shit with my other friends to turn them against me, I'd literally done nothing wrong but I was quiet and timid and couldn't hold my own. Anyway, in the end it resulted in me being assaulted by her during a lesson change over. She'd assaulted me so badly I had to go straight to the police and give video evidence and strip so they could take pictures of all my wounds and bruises, it was a horrific ordeal. Now I have a 1 year old DD I have vowed to NEVER stand for any form of bullying. Get her out. X