AIBU to not allow my 9yo to the park on her own

[Inkdrinker]

I completely understand that at some point children need some independence, right across the road from our house is a park. The park is normally quite a busy and popular park where all of my 9yo friends frequently visit. My 9yo is adament she wants to go to the park on her own, I feel she's too young and it's too dangerous.

Pros to letting her go

• independence
• she may see her friends
• can see the park from out of my window
• she's good at crossing roads
• she knows the stranger danger and not to go with anyone even if I know them unless I've said so.

Cons

• she's very sensitive and the kids can be mean over there
• she's only 9, still very young
• The road is just off a main road and can be busy
• I can't watch out the window 24/7

Wwyd?

Most of the time it will be ok.
But I wouldn’t and didn’t do it with mine because stuff happens.
I don’t think 9yo is old enough to make good decisions for all of the possible scenarios.
My kids are both teens and they are on group chats where kids are out doing really stupid things with no supervision.
I know a 12yo girl having sex with a 16yo drug dealer for example. It’s not gossip, the 16yo got permanently excluded from school and the 12yo won’t tell her mum anything. My kids know both parties to this.
You can say that paedos aren’t round every corner - but I got wanked at by a man in the bushes when I was in the park with a friend as a teen. We ran. So I’d say actually there are a fair few paedos about.
A 9yo is pretty defenceless IMO.

@UserTwice my parents too were over protective (controlling actually). I was never allowed out as a teen and all it served to do was make me leave for uni at 18 and never return. Did I struggle at uni as a result? Fortunately no.

But what it did do is deprive me of many things - sleepovers, going out with friends, a normal childhood. Which my children will not have forced on them.

That being said, my kids were not out alone at 9. 9 is not when mine needed to start being independent. There is a huge difference emotionally and physically between children of 9 and children of 11. My now early stage teen will regularly head out after school / weekends on bike rides/ walks with a friend. Pre Covid into town for cinema/ maccy d’s with their friends.

They didn’t need to start at 9 to develop that level of independence. And I think in my area, that’s the norm. I don’t ever recollect seeing a 9 year old (or thereabouts) child out on their own or with similar age friends. I would notice that. So there was zero peer group pressure and just an acceptance that it wasn’t happening at 9. None of their friends asked, because none of the parents would allow it. 9 is still very young! Maybe I would feel different if I lived in a smaller/ quiet village, but I don’t. I live in a borough in London so it’s not happening.

It was around the age of 10.5 that I remember them starting to venture out alone for walks to friends house/ park.

Yanbu I would not let her go alone.
A compromise would be to go with her and sit on a bench whilst she played with her friends.
It's very sad but there are paedophiles in our communities and children are at risk.
Perhaps because of my career in over cautious .
If you do decide to allow her to go then vary the times and walk her in and out of the gates.
Ensure her friends are actually there.
Remember people don't change their predilections just because they are old.
It's a sad world.

9 is an absolutely normal age to be having some independence and going to the park with friends. It seems like parents are getting more and more over-protective and children are not having chance to be independent until far too late. See the thread about offspring in their 20s being far to dependent on their parents to see the result of this kind of over-protection.

My DD was allowed to walk to school without me from her 8th birthday. I'd see her across the first (not very busy) road, and lots of parents were crossing with their children at the only other road that the school was on. By nine she was walking the ten minutes to the supermarket (no roads other than ours to cross) and meeting her friends at the park.

I'm pretty horrified about the 12 year old on this thread that isn't allowed to go to the corner shop.

Nope, I wouldn't but I'm usually told I'm overprotective. There was a recent attempted abduction of a 12 year old girl walking to same school as DD. It's just not worth it. If adult women aren't safe out on their own then neither are children

By that logic you wouldn't let her out of the house alone at 19, or 29.

Sara it may be normal in your area but be aware areas are different.

Our school doesn't release children in yr 3 and 4 afterschool without a parent and doesn't encourage them walking in that young at all. We tend to find other parents if for some reason we're ill etc. There's breakfast club used well for working parents. Most year 6s that live locally happily walk home. Doesn't seem to be a problem.

I'd certainly be surprised at a parent choosing to let a 9 year old out alone locally and a little concerned!

Area depending yes. Where our local park is would be a relatively low crime area, however there is one family of mamba addicts in the village that have form for stealing bikes, phones etc from kids. Usual thing, one or another is always in prison. I am rural, so have always been happy for mine to play in the woods, walk across the fields etc, but if I'm honest the park worries me, even now they are teens.

I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old on their own. My older kids are allowed to walk to the park and go to the shop but that only started when they were 11 and I’ve never let them go alone, always in twos or threes.

My parents were stricter than most esp when I was a teen, but when I was 11 I was allowed to go to the nearby beach with younger siblings. One day a man started talking to us and told us he knew our dad. He then said he knew where there were some caves further down the beach - did we want to see them to show our dad? I said yes but my younger (!) sister said no.
There were no caves further down the beach.
I agree it depends on the area and the child - however my 9 year old won’t be going anywhere on her own for another while.

I should clarify - we didn’t go with the man, thanks to my sister.

@UserTwice raises a good point. The first level of independence should not be going to the park, even if it is just across the road. You need to be building up to it. In our case, when at the park the kids have been allowed more and more freedom to roam further from us while we're all there together. Then they started asking if they could run the last bit home alone. Then extending this etc. Another example might be a trip to a supermarket and one child being sent to the next aisle for something or, at a visit to the corner shop a child being sent in alone while I wait outside.

This all then builds up to being allowed to go for a walk or to the park, ideally with a friend or sibling, and then ultimately to being allowed to go alone.

But so many people don't seem to build these steps in. I visited a playground with DD (6) and a friend and her DD of the same age recently. My friend was following the girls around constantly. I couldn't get my head around it. It's a relatively small playground, we can see them, why do we need to be within arms reach the whole time too?

Before your children are let out on their own you have to train them in what to do scenarios.

Perhaps using the "I have to go home and ask my mum" rule for everything.

Our park is usually busy with kids and parents plus I'd started by going home and telling them to follow in 5 minutes type of thing.

Small steps.

Depends on the park IMO, our park I would let my 5year out by themselves for 5mins while I’m getting ready but I can see the small park from our window.

I’m sure supernanny years ago suggest getting children a watch and saying you can play outside by yourself until xx time (10mins) then you have to be back. Then you build it up to 15/20 mins etc. It gives them the freedom but boundary’s. Also set how far they can go in the park / don’t talk to strangers etc. At 9 they might be walking to secondary school in a few years so maybe trial it out?

Mine first went out together (8&10) down to the postbox. It's less than 5 mins away but can't be seen from the house. It was nerve wrecking at the time.

But we did the building up to it. From about the age of 7 I would give them money and sit outside the shop whilst they went in with their list. Then we moved on to them walking from school to the shop where I would meet them, and then on to walking home. They walked to school at 8/9 because it's on an estate less than 5 mins from home and lots of other children were going at the same time.

When I let them go to the park (age 10) I gave them a watch and told them they had to be back at a set time. The times gradually got longer because they always came back on time. We had conversations about bullies, strangers, accident, roads throughout all of that time.

However, all this was made easier because of where we live and it's much harder for others when things aren't so close to home

@Flittingaboutagain

I wouldn't because I worked in a neuro rehab team and almost all our under 12 year old clients were children who were hit by a car crossing the road not falling off the swings etc.

Maybe if parents taught children to cross the road safely rather than do it for them?

I'm involved in scouts- I help with several age ranges from 6-18.

It still shocks me that children have never been 'allowed' to cross a road 'alone'.

I lost a friend in year 9 to being hit by a car.

As a result I make sure that the kids in my orbit are aware that crossing the road is dangerous and they need to know how to do it safely.

It start from a very young age with asking them to tell you when it is safe to cross.

What are the mean kids saying? I know of a 10 year old offered weed in a park. It was in a nice area, but a public park alway has a chance of an antisocial element. If you help her cross the road and she meets nice friends for a time limit, maybe? Can you invite the children in for cookies to keep an eye on them?

As a result I make sure that the kids in my orbit are aware that crossing the road is dangerous and they need to know how to do it safely.

Completely agree. Long before DS was allowed out by himself, he was put in charge of family road crossings. So if we were going somewhere, he'd be in charge of telling us when to go and when to stop. Was a safe opportunity for him to practice and also allowed us to "test" him, repeatedly, before we let him out alone. I think it's probably time to start doing the same with DD although she might be a bit young.

Not sure inviting random kids who are playing out without their parents in for cookies is a good idea....

Crossing the road is an interesting one.

I remember reading some studies which showed that a child brain is often not developed well enough to judge speed/distance of cars to cross a road safely until much older than you would think. It's not just about "being sensible." Different if you have crossings/lollipop ladies of course.

No.
Simply because I don’t think any kid below about 11 should be out and about alone other than say walking to school if just crossing attendants to cross with.

I’m big on independence skills but they need to be in 2 or 3s so that if something happens someone can seek help - it’s easy to twist your ankle and not be able to walk or fall off the climbing frame and knock yourself out.

Also what’s going to do in the park on her own ? That’s a bit miserable.

Thirdly under about 11/ 12 speed awareness is immature. She’s at risk crossing even if sensible. Spike in year 7 RTA especially boys.

If the park is generally safe let her go. You can’t protect her from mean comments . They didn’t stop with school children. It goes on into adulthood.

How did it go, @Inkdrinker?

I started building up my kids’ independence from Y5 - the last thing I wanted was the independence at high school in Y7 to hit them like a ton of bricks.

Initially things like going to post a letter, then going to the park, going to the corner shop to buy milk etc. Letting them find their feet with one traffic navigation before moving to the next.

I would not at that age, too much bullying in parks. I let my kids wander around the shopping mall before they went to the park! We had a large garden, large open plan downstairs in the house and they could have whatever friends around they wanted, park was not needed

I would let her go, but you need to make sure she has some skills in place.

1. Can cross road safely. If she can't do this yet, go with her talk her through it and get her to make the decision when to cross.
2. Knows where she is and is not allowed to go. My DD knows that I should be able to find her straight away if I go over there.
3. Knows that she should come back straight away if there is any worrying behaviour from others.

4.Timings can be worked on gradually. If a child needs to be collected to start with, that's ok. They can work up to coming home at a set time.

1. I love PP's rule of 'I have to check with my mum first' - For anything eg taking a sweet, watching something on someone's phone, going outside of the park, going to someone's house.

I think 9 is too young. My DS is 9 and I wouldn't let him do this.