AIBU to not allow my 9yo to the park on her own

[Inkdrinker]

I completely understand that at some point children need some independence, right across the road from our house is a park. The park is normally quite a busy and popular park where all of my 9yo friends frequently visit. My 9yo is adament she wants to go to the park on her own, I feel she's too young and it's too dangerous.

Pros to letting her go

• independence
• she may see her friends
• can see the park from out of my window
• she's good at crossing roads
• she knows the stranger danger and not to go with anyone even if I know them unless I've said so.

Cons

• she's very sensitive and the kids can be mean over there
• she's only 9, still very young
• The road is just off a main road and can be busy
• I can't watch out the window 24/7

Wwyd?

I would also cross over the road with her and let her be in the park alone(depending on the area). You’re close enough that she can walk back for help if she needs it. I think your idea of getting her a cheap phone is a good one. Just make sure it’s visibly cheap so no one tries to take it.

I don’t let my 9 year old, he’s very sensible and I’m sure he’d be fine but....it’s a busy road he has to cross to get there, and he’d be out of sight.

Of course she's old enough to go. If the road is a busy one then just walk her across then go back to collect her at a pre-arranged time.

I am with you. I look after children and have my own. I know many people tbink 9 is a reasonable age to go alone, but I honestly think most children are too young at 9. I think in a crisis, your average 9 year old isn't equipt to deal problems that could arise. Kids being mean is not as much of a concern, unless your hovering over your child this can happen anywhere. I think more worrying are busy rds, injuries and dodgy people. Both of my kids were 11 before they went alone.

Mine will be 9 and 11 this summer. I know the eldest will start secondary school soon but I can't imagine it. I suppose it depends on the child.

sunflower. No, but we live in the middle of nowhere and it's 7 miles to the school bus stop.

I'm going to get him familiar with the buses into town this Easter.

@Mintjulia

Gosh, this is interesting. My DS is 12 and I've only just started letting him go to the corner shop on his own.

Maybe I should relax a bit.

Really? Surely at 12 he is in high school or if in Scotland will be going o high school in a few months. I find it very strange that a 12 year old has so little independence.

I have a 9 year old (year 5) and am consciously trying to push her towards some independence - even if inside I’m a bag of nerves. She has started to go to the park with friends, but we live a good couple of miles from school and she has no school friends near us, so she still needs taking to and from school. In her last term at primary though, we’ll be taking her out of wraparound care and she’ll cycle to and from school herself, once she’s done bikeability.

I’m conscious that lockdown means she has been given less opportunity than her older brother to start gaining some independence - at worst things have gone backwards as things have been so restricted. From experience with her older brother, secondary school is a huge leap in terms of independence, what is expected of them etc - I actually think it is remiss not to start preparing them for the transition well in advance. It’s not fair to expect him to be able to just do it all on that first September day!

We have life 360 in her phone, regularly check in on her with messages etc. It can be nerve wracking but I think it really important not to let my own (largely irrational) fears get in the way or project them onto her. I put my head in my hands in despair when I hear parents tell their kids they are not allowed out ‘in case someone grabs them’.

It’s still nothing like the level of independence I had aged 9 when I’d be out all day as long as I was back for my tea!

9 is normal age to go to play out which includes going to the park (that we can't see from our window) round here. It's typical to build up in stages - so go to the park with your DC first, then let them walk home alone and build up to them spending ever increasing time out. Most DC also have at least a brick phone so they can get in touch, and also so you can ring up and tell them to get home now :)

As so many posters have said. Surely it depends on the maturity/ street smarts of said child?
What is fine for one 9 year old doesn’t work for another.

I’m also another one who (depending on the traffic flow on the road) / provisions to cross wouldn’t feel comfortable allowing a 9 year old to cross alone. I’m assuming worse case of very heavy traffic and no zebra crossing etc.

Too young for me. I have an 11 yr old that we are just starting to let out by herself for walks with a friend and a 9 yr old that wouldn't even think to ask to go by herself yet. Although I am a stress head!

Confuses me too. Children here go to secondary school over 10 miles away that doesn't drop them off at school, but a 10 minute walk away. So they have to navigate the roads (with crossings). They all go to the shop nearby for sweets etc.

Depends on the kid and depends where you live.

I have a just 9 yo and I won’t let her go to the park on her own yet. My reasons are: lots of teenagers drinking in the skate park, and it’s a big busy park. If it was a small play area in an estate where I knew quite a few families (there are at least 4 of these in our wider vicinity) with no main roads nearby and I could see the park from the window then I would let her.

Some of the kids allowed out round the streets near us are DD’s age, and I let her out a couple of times, but I got too scared. She doesn’t have a phone yet and I was worried about not being able to find her. I’m not ready for not knowing where she is! And I’m not ready to give her a phone yet either. I think primary 6 or 7 is a more suitable age - she’s still only P4.

I'm trying to guide my 10 & 8 yo with a little more taste of independence. 10 yo has ASD and tends to hyper caution. He's walked the 250m home from school a few times. I tend to watch him across the road and give back up to reassure him that it's safe as he gets used to it (also has dyspraxia). 8 yo is allowed to go the long way around the crescent and meet me on the drive. There is one sideroad serving 8 houses to cross.
I would trust my 10yo to play on the nearby park with company. He's the opposite end of the school and park to his best friend though so that support isn't quite there yet.

I know they are sensible (as much as you ever can) For a while I've watched from a distance as they played on the playground while I ran a youth group overliooking. I set a timer on my phone for them to check in with me. One week one had a fall and the other came running up to tell me straight away, although it was pretty easy to hear the cry from the open doors/ windows.

On scouting camps they're pretty free-range within a closed environment.

Both mines go freely to our local park, about. 2 min walk. But my son wanted to go to the big park with his friend on Friday. So I went with them taking my daughter. I hung back while he went his own way. I’m glad I went as there was a group of boys there. Horrible horrible little fertile idiots who were threatening other kids, smoking weed, swearing. My sons 10. Thee boys weren’t much older. I have the fear now of him going to the high school next year now, if this is what we have in the area.

I started letting my eldest go out when she was 10 in Y6. She's now 11 and in Y7 and walks to school and back every day. She popped round corner to shop other day though and rung me a few minutes later saying 3 older girls had threatened 'to kick her head in' as she walked past the park.

We live in a fairly quiet small town and I had started to think I may start letting my middle one go out a bit as she's 9. My eldest was always the last of her friends to be allowed to do anything and I was trying to relax a bit more with the middle one but after that I've changed my mind, I'll be keeping her close for a little longer.

With a sensible friend, yes. On her own, no.
How busy is this road and what's the area like?
I think 9 is a bit on the edge. By 10 you'll have to give her a bit more freedom as she'll be heading off to high school in the not too distant?

Wow its interesting to see the different perspectives and the variety of areas.

Im surprised at the number at would (I have a 9 year old and wouldn't leave her on her own. Occassionaly been at the end of the aisle in the supermarket if she wants to buy something is as close to it as it comes.)

I'm reflecting on that and altbough covid had obviously changed things this last year it just isn't done round here. You dont see 7/8/9 year olds out on their own and none jb my immediate circle would. Although I don't live in a "naice" area which may squew things or a small village etc.

Yr 4 at our school aren't allowed to walk home/are met by parents but many do in year 6 and I imagine I would be happier by then at 10/11 to let her walk straight home but still wouldn't encourage park on her own!

Maybe my area is worse than I thought but local park after school is where some of the teens hang out and she isnt streetwise. (Also isnt over the road like for OP). We do drive to beach/country parks after school sometimes but obviously I'm with her then. It wouldn't occur to her to go on her own anywhere wihout me at the moment.

As so many posters have said. Surely it depends on the maturity/ street smarts of said child?

This is a vicious circle though - if you never let your child have any independence they are never going to get "street smart" or gain maturity.
My DC are the same age as their cousins (mid teens now). My DC have walked to school/played out/gone to the local shop since age 9 (Year 5). By secondary school age they were independently going to see friends a couple of miles away and doing things like meeting friends in town. Their cousins are driven everywhere and have never walked or gone anywhere on their own. One set of children is noticeably more mature than the others - guess which ones?

@UserTwice good for you and good for your kids. That’s your parenting choice and I commend you.

Why do threads like this descend into a new form of passive aggressive one upmanship? There was another thread a few months ago where similar comments were made.

We all make decisions about our children dependent on our personal views, the environments/ locations we live in/ their personalities.

My teens are nicely independent now thank you. And no, they were not going out at 9 years old, alone. None of their peer group were. Only on Mnet do you get a swathe of parents seemingly allowing 9 year olds out and thinking that it makes them parent of the year.

I would notice a 9 year old out locally as it would be unusual. Hasnt stopped 12 year old being able to walk over the road to the supermarket with a friend or cycle to school. 12 is so different to 9.
You really don't need to do things at 9 in order to be able to do them at 12...

At 9 let her go!

For anyone with a long journey to secondary school, like the PP who says it's 7 miles to the school bus stop, or even just with a 20min walk across town, it's vital to start training in independent journeys at 9, so that they will be confident and sensible for the school journey at 11. A couple of practice journeys in the summer holidays before starting senior school is nowhere near adequate.

[quote sassbott]@UserTwice good for you and good for your kids. That’s your parenting choice and I commend you.

Why do threads like this descend into a new form of passive aggressive one upmanship? There was another thread a few months ago where similar comments were made.

We all make decisions about our children dependent on our personal views, the environments/ locations we live in/ their personalities.

My teens are nicely independent now thank you. And no, they were not going out at 9 years old, alone. None of their peer group were. Only on Mnet do you get a swathe of parents seemingly allowing 9 year olds out and thinking that it makes them parent of the year. [/quote]
I was flagging that parents should be mindful of "my child is too young to do this" type responses. If they are too young now (which they might well be) they need to think "when will they be old enough".

I don't think there is a particular issue that a parent decides a 9 year old is too young to go to the park on their own. And this thread shows that it's a bit of a borderline age in terms of whether this is "normal". It's when it turns into a teen that still can't go out by themselves (as in the case of my niece and nephew) and you still think this is normal that you should take a hard look at your parenting choices. However, one morphs into the other if you don't make any change to your thinking.

I had an upbringing where my parents were massively overprotective. I went to university woefully underprepared and struggled for years. I do not think that my parents made good parenting decisions, and I wish there had been someone there to challenge them.

Of course there is a huge area between 9 year old that doesn't go out on their own and an overprotected 18 year old that has zero independence. But I don't see that challenging decisions is a bad thing. There have been some pretty extreme comments on this thread about you should not let your child go out on your own (ever?) as they might get knocked down by a car or break their bones - which have largely gone unchallenged. Overprotectiveness is just as harmful as under-protectiveness.