Do you completely trust your partner?
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 14:15
As in trust that he or she won't ever stray or even want to stray.
If you do, how do you do it?
I've been with my husband a long time and I love him dearly. He has never cheated that I know of and he says he loves me and only has eyes for me. I'm just full of fear all the time. Fear he will fancy someone else at work in any way and fear that he will leave me. And I don't seem to be able to handle the fact that that could one day happen.
I'm having a really bad time at the moment and am seriously considering leaving because I can't handle the way I'm feeling.
Please try to be gentle with me. I know it's not the way people normally are. I've come here as a last resort to see if maybe there's something someone could possibly say to make me stop being this way.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Norwaydidnthappen · 23/03/2021 14:18
It sounds like anxiety. I felt this way in the past, I was insecure in myself and had to work on that to get through. I’ve never had a reason not to trust my DH at all, like you I’m sure he’s never cheated but I had similar feelings to you at one point. Counselling may help but I’d also make your DH aware of it. It isn’t his issue if he’s genuinely never given you a reason to be worried so I’d tell him before it gets any worse and you possibly start acting off with him or whatever.
gwenneh · 23/03/2021 14:29
Yes, I do trust my partner. That doesn't mean I don't get the odd anxiety over it, but it's totally unfounded. It sounds like you're handling a lot.
Leaving your partner solves the trouble until you find the next one. Then what? The cycle continues; even if you don't find a new partner the anxiety will just manifest in some other way.
therocinante · 23/03/2021 14:34
I do trust my partner, yes. He would never cheat on me.
Would he lie to me in other ways? I doubt it, but I know it's a possibility - you can never 100% know someone else's thoughts or predict their behaviours. But he wouldn't cheat.
What you're feeling is either:
- Severe relationship anxiety (possible relationship OCD)
2. Rational based on previous behaviour he's given to make you think he would cheat
Given what you've said, it sounds like (1). Seek some help from your GP or organise private therapy: it doesn't have to be like this. Life is never completely predictable, but it isn't normal not to have a base level of trust in your partner when they've given you no reason to think otherwise, and the fact that you're now considering self-sabotaging by leaving a good relationship over an imagined fear means that you really need help. You are causing yourself emotional harm, both by thinking he will cheat, and by potentially ending the relationship.
Get help. Anxiety or OCD can and do get better.
Notquitesureaboutthis · 23/03/2021 14:40
I do trust him because he gives me no reason not to. But I could never say that I 100% trust any partner tbh.
I'm not paranoid because as I said above, nothing suspicious or untoward is going on.
Sounds like anxiety to me. Have you spoken to him about it? Nothing wrong with being honest about how you're feeling. Perhaps you just need a little reassurance.
Zealois · 23/03/2021 14:42
I'm an anxious person in general but you know, if he wanted to cheat on me or leave me he could (just like I could), and no amount of me worrying is going to change anything. So I try to not give those kind of thoughts any time, and I know that we love and respect each other. It might help to talk to someone who can give you some coping strategies for anxiety.
pandarific · 23/03/2021 14:42
I do, yes. I think that this seems really extreme though op - have you been cheated on/abused by a partner before? It almost sounds PTSD-like in its severity.
Unless you have gut-level feeling something is wrong (messaging other people? Addicted to cams/porn? Sexually demanding?) Anything that’s set off your alarm bells, then this sounds like an internal mental health issue for you.
it sounds hard, hope you can source some help.
Schrutesbeets · 23/03/2021 14:46
Ah OP, I was exactly like this when I met my partner, and for the first 3 years of our relationship. I thought every woman that crossed his path would somehow steal him away, women he worked with, or if he was out with friends in the pub for example.
I got CBT and counselling and now (been together 8 years) I don't feel anything like that. I feel total trust and its so bloody empowering and freeing to not worry anymore.
I'd really suggest looking into counselling or some sort of talking therapy because it isn't normal to feel like that.
ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 23/03/2021 14:46
I'll never put my 100% trust into anyone.
I do trust my partner though and don't have any anxiety about him doing things with someone else. Which is ironic as I suffer bad with anxiety.
But tbh, I'm glad I don't feel fear or him going off because I have the attitude if he does, he's gone, his loss. I never used to feel like this but the longer we've been together the more I realise if he was to do the dirty on me it really is his loss.
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/03/2021 14:46
I don’t 100% trust my partner as he’s human and so am I. We’re all fallible.
I feel like my trust in him is deeper when he shares his thoughts and becomes vulnerable with me. If I feel like he’s feeding me white lies about anything, especially regarding his ex etc then it makes me question the whole thing - if he’s lying about that what else is he lying about? etc.
How is your relationship generally. Do you feel like he’s an honest person with integrity or does his work life for example revolve around manipulating statistics to show a certain desired outcome?!
Sounds daft but when my DP talks about his work and how he’s convinced someone that A is actually B it makes me trust him less. I even hate playing poker etc with him because if I find out he’s been bluffing and that he’s able to lie to my face about having aces then it makes me question his integrity
I know it sounds over the top, but it honestly shakes me when I find out that he hasn’t been honest. I’ve told him I want complete transparency because I can sense when something isn’t right.
If you have a similar feeling then I totally understand why you have anxiety about him cheating. Make sure that he’s being honest about EVERYTHING so they you don’t have to be wondering all the time.
And also make sure that your life is full and fulfilling so that the fear of being without him isn’t so great. I sometimes think through worst case scenarios and imagine my life after finding out he’s lied or cheated and realise that the world didn’t end. You’d be sad for a while but you’d move on and be fine in time. It sounds morbid but sometimes imagining the worst can be liberating because even when the worst happens, people survive.
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/03/2021 14:49
But tbh, I'm glad I don't feel fear or him going off because I have the attitude if he does, he's gone, his loss. I never used to feel like this but the longer we've been together the more I realise if he was to do the dirty on me it really is his loss
And this. If you value yourself then the benefits are twofold - firstly you wouldn’t feel like he’s as likely to cheat, as you are a great partner. Secondly if he did, he’d be an idiot! In which case you’re better off without him, as who wants to date an idiot?!
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 14:52
I have spoken to him about it. He says nothing anyone can ever do would ever make him want them. And I hear him and I might believe it for a few minutes and then my brain goes "no he's lying, don't believe it".
I don't understand how other people trust. I seem completely unable to. It's like the ability to trust just doesn't exist in me and life is just a painful thing I need to suffer through until the end. I'm so tired.
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/03/2021 14:54
I trust my DH because he gives me no reason not to. He has female friends that he speaks to regularly but he doesn’t hide this from me. We both have access to each other’s phones, tablets, laptops, etc. if we wanted to. He’s a friendly person but not excessively flirty or touchy feely with others.
I get anxiety too. I’m constantly worried that other people don’t like me or that my DH will realise there are better women out there than me. I don’t know what I can say to help you feel better.
mistermagpie · 23/03/2021 14:57
I completely trust my partner, he honest to his never occurs to me that he would fancy someone else much less act on it. That's not to say he 100% never ever would, because I don't think anyone can say that, but I literally never think about it, it's just not something that enters my head. We are happy and he loves me, if he cheated on me I would be very shocked obviously, but there isn't any point worrying about something like that unless it actually happens.
It must be very difficult to live like that, and really quite unfair on the partner if they have never given you a reason to doubt them.
cirrusminor · 23/03/2021 14:58
I'm the most anxiety ridden person I know, I honestly also believe the worst of people but for some reason I have never once had anything but complete trust in him, even though we were long distance for many years. Of course I'm not naive and if his behaviour changed then I might also change my view but that's how it is for now.
Value yourself first and foremost, and seek out some help for that anxiety if you can.
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