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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you completely trust your partner?

95 replies

insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 14:15

As in trust that he or she won't ever stray or even want to stray.
If you do, how do you do it?

I've been with my husband a long time and I love him dearly. He has never cheated that I know of and he says he loves me and only has eyes for me. I'm just full of fear all the time. Fear he will fancy someone else at work in any way and fear that he will leave me. And I don't seem to be able to handle the fact that that could one day happen.

I'm having a really bad time at the moment and am seriously considering leaving because I can't handle the way I'm feeling.

Please try to be gentle with me. I know it's not the way people normally are. I've come here as a last resort to see if maybe there's something someone could possibly say to make me stop being this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 15:00

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I trust my DH because he gives me no reason not to. He has female friends that he speaks to regularly but he doesn’t hide this from me. We both have access to each other’s phones, tablets, laptops, etc. if we wanted to. He’s a friendly person but not excessively flirty or touchy feely with others.

I get anxiety too. I’m constantly worried that other people don’t like me or that my DH will realise there are better women out there than me. I don’t know what I can say to help you feel better.

That's how I feel. That he will realise there's better.

He will talk to someone at work, realise how funny, smart and pretty she is and how worthless I am.

OP posts:
requitalissima · 23/03/2021 15:03

Nope, at least not that I'd know of. Realistic - yes. Does it affect my life - no.
I am as susceptible to straying as my spouse is. My own fidelity might be tested and I wouldn't want to bet on the outcome as I don't know how I'd feel and act.

Original poster
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 15:04

I feel like If I were to let go, if I even had the ability, that opens me up to more pain. It's like I'm prepared now. I'm just waiting for the day.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 23/03/2021 15:05

Can you trust anyone 100% as you are not in their head and don't know what they are really thinking.

The best I think you can do is hope that someone will behave in the way you think they would and if they don't, deal with it as and when anything happens, whatever that may be.

Original poster
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 15:05

I did try accessing help as well by the way. I was told I just sound a little depressed and was sent off on my way. I cried for weeks after.

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 23/03/2021 15:07

I do. But we’ve been together 11 years and it’s built and built over time.
Small acts on his behalf that show I can trust him and vice versa.

I am not a trusting person, only my mum and my husband.

lynsey91 · 23/03/2021 15:08

@requitalissima

Ah, the trusting spouses. No-one is immune from straying if an attraction hits and opportunity presents. One must be pretty sure though that one's not found out to proceed. You can never be 100% sure of other persons' fidelity.
Absolute bullshit. There are people who would NEVER stray no matter what opportunity presents. Your comment is an insult to anyone with morals.

I have never ever cheated and know 100% I would not. I think cheating is totally wrong and not something you do to someone you love, like and respect.

I also know my husband has never cheated in our 40 year marriage and never would.

Don't bother coming back with the "you can never know someone totally" because I know my husband has the same morals and views on infidelity as I do

jessstan2 · 23/03/2021 15:08

I trusted mine, he died not that long ago but I certainly trusted him. He was devoted to me.

Original poster
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 15:09

@jessstan2

I trusted mine, he died not that long ago but I certainly trusted him. He was devoted to me.
I am so sorry Sad
OP posts:
ScarfaceCwaw · 23/03/2021 15:09

I have had to accept that if he ever betrays my trust, that means he is not the person I think he is and I don't want him anyway. And ultimately I can't control it anyway. I can give him my trust and his freedom and see what he does with it, or I can set myself to the impossible task of controlling his behaviour, make both of us crazy and drive him away anyway.

I really wish I could be more like that. If he cheats, I'll be fine and I'll find someone else etc.
I don't see that. I honestly don't. I see the end of me

If you really feel this way... You need to seek counselling. It's not healthy to be so dependent on someone that you don't feel you can survive without them. I'd be devastated if DH cheated or died. I'd rage and grieve and struggle. But I also know I'd survive and go on and make my own life and be happy again.

You need to get some support.

Blueberries0112 · 23/03/2021 15:10

I trust mine, he gave me no reasons not to trust him. I am not going waste my energy on it either. I will cross that bridge if we get there.

MiaMarshmallows · 23/03/2021 15:12

100%. Because we know we are perfect for one another and wouldn't need to look elsewhere

user1493413286 · 23/03/2021 15:13

I don’t think my DH would cheat and I would say I do trust him but I’m also realistic that it does happen and that I’d be naive to think we’re different. I would be broken hearted if he cheated but I’d survive i know that

Frogella · 23/03/2021 15:14

Oh, OP, you really do sound sad.

Agree with PP - you need to get some support to help you value yourself as a person, independent of any man - even (especially) the man you love.

I trust my partner - we've been together thirty years and we're really happy. But he nearly died last year and i was facing life alone for a while. Even in the depths of despair I knew I'd be OK in the end, whatever happened. It sounds a bit cold and odd, but it was a very clear knowledge that came to me.

This isn't about trusting your partner - it's about trusting yourself.

TheSwanAndTomato · 23/03/2021 15:14

I used to feel like this. I remember having similar feelings about my husband - that I couldn’t bear the idea of him even looking at another woman. I was unable to enjoy the nice times because I was preoccupied by the idea of it all ending - I felt as though letting myself enjoy things would just make me more vulnerable to being hurt. Like you, I’d considered leaving because I was so sure an end was inevitable that I just wanted it out of the way. We have been together since I was 16, he is - actually - the only person who has loved me unconditionally but of course, that’s why I was so afraid of him leaving.

What I didn’t realise was that it was a new expression of my OCD. I’ve had OCD since early childhood, complicated by sexual abuse and abandonment issues. I’d never had a marriage or child before so of course I’d never experienced that particular form of OCD before. In hindsight, I can see that the textbook intrusive thoughts and sense of impending doom were there - it just took me a while to realise that it was less about an actual ‘threat’ (my husband has only ever been wonderful!) and more about a lifelong issue presenting in a new way.

Once I realised, I immediately started medication and took myself back to CBT. And honestly, it has changed everything. I promise. These fears consumed me and I almost destroyed my relationship with my husband - that’s the thing with OCD, it tortures you until the things you worry about become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I look back and I am so thankful that my husband gave me a chance to sort myself out - I was a nightmare to be with, I’m sure. I’m so glad that I managed to take control of it because I doubt my relationship would have lasted otherwise. I would have driven myself and my husband to breaking point.

I say all this just to let you know that it is possible to go from being so anxious and so exhausted to being genuinely at peace. It takes work but it is so, so worth it to reach a point where you can just enjoy your relationship for what it is. I honestly completely trust my husband now and I can enjoy being with him - whether it’s forever or just until tomorrow.

You can get to that place, I promise. You deserve to enjoy loving and being loved. You don’t need to be the only woman to exist in your husband’s universe for him to love you - he will love you anyway, you are not inferior.

Seek help, you’ll be so glad that you did. 💐💐💐

BobsDouble · 23/03/2021 15:15

No I don’t. I don’t know that he has slept with other women but I know that he has tried to do so (messages that have popped up as notifications on his phone).

Postprandial · 23/03/2021 15:19

OP, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, it would take two people to have an affair, and maybe none of the women at work think your husband is as fabulous as you clearly think he is?

I don't mean this nastily, but some of the most insecure posts on Relationships come from women who seem to be convinced that, if their Adonis-type husband's eye fell on anyone at work, from the CEO to Shannon the work experience girl, they would immediately melt and fall into his arms, stopping only to rip their clothes off.

I mean, when you're at work, OP, are you continually fending off approaches from male colleagues?

More seriously, though, you need to work on your self-esteem. I obviously can't guarantee my own husband would not have an affair, but I am well aware of my own value, and that he's very lucky to have me, and he knows this.

FoxgloveBee · 23/03/2021 15:23

I do trust him explicitly yes.

However, I don't know that one day he might meet someone amazing and perfect for him and start a life with her. I could do the same!

Circumstances change, people change.

I do know that he would be open and tell me - before it got anywhere. I just know what he is like.

It sounds like you have anxiety and it's focused on this. He's never given you a reason to think this so I'd look at counselling. Hope you can get your way out of feeling like this, it's horrible to worry about these things.

Original poster
insecureandscared · 23/03/2021 15:26

@Frogella

I'm so glad your husband pulled throughFlowers

OP posts:
BaublesAndGlitter · 23/03/2021 15:41

I used to feel very similar to you OP but I don't anymore.
2 things that helped me were to think practically about what would happen if we split up and to focus on myself more.
Odd as it sounds, I feel better knowing I could cope financially, that nothing would change with my family / friends / work, and now I've made sure my life has a lot of things in it that aren't centred around DH, I feel more that if he were to leave, he'd be an idiot.

Saying that, we've been together almost 20 years and I don't trust him 100% and think anyone who confidently says "he would never cheat" is an idiot.

YouShouldLeave · 23/03/2021 15:47

@requitalissima

Ah, the trusting spouses. No-one is immune from straying if an attraction hits and opportunity presents. One must be pretty sure though that one's not found out to proceed. You can never be 100% sure of other persons' fidelity.
This!
DeNiroDeFaro · 23/03/2021 15:47

Honestly no. Not 100% I think that's naïve.

When I was young and incredibly foolish I was the OW for a man who 100% would never cheat. He just wasn't the type, would never do that, his wife had zero fears yada yada because he was the guy people would have scoffed at the idea of cheating. Real family man, super engaged at home and with his wife, had been scarred by his own parents breakup, loved his kids and his life etc etc. We had an affair for a year, and noone suspected a thing.

So no, I don't believe in 100%

LindaEllen · 23/03/2021 15:50

Honestly, the only person I truly trust is myself. I do have anxiety though. And he is the person I trust the most of all.

It's not the fact that he would cheat on me that bothers me - more that I'm not good enough for him, I don't deserve him, and he might NEED to cheat on me.

Honestly though, it's my problem not his. He's lovely.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/03/2021 15:54

I trust him as much as anyone can really trust another person. I don't think he would cheat on me but I'm not naive enough to think that it could never possibly happen. Easy to say i know but there's literally no point in worrying about something like this especially when you have no cause at all to, you're in danger of pushing him away or ending it yourself for no good reason. It sounds like an issue you need to seek some help with dealing with OP

AryaStarkWolf · 23/03/2021 15:59

@Frogella

Oh, OP, you really do sound sad.

Agree with PP - you need to get some support to help you value yourself as a person, independent of any man - even (especially) the man you love.

I trust my partner - we've been together thirty years and we're really happy. But he nearly died last year and i was facing life alone for a while. Even in the depths of despair I knew I'd be OK in the end, whatever happened. It sounds a bit cold and odd, but it was a very clear knowledge that came to me.

This isn't about trusting your partner - it's about trusting yourself.

That last line, yes! You are spot on there, I think as long as you have faith in yourself to be able to carry on and live your life if it did happen then the thoughts aren't half as scary and you won't think about it so much