Do you completely trust your partner?

[insecureandscared]

As in trust that he or she won't ever stray or even want to stray.
If you do, how do you do it?

I've been with my husband a long time and I love him dearly. He has never cheated that I know of and he says he loves me and only has eyes for me. I'm just full of fear all the time. Fear he will fancy someone else at work in any way and fear that he will leave me. And I don't seem to be able to handle the fact that that could one day happen.

I'm having a really bad time at the moment and am seriously considering leaving because I can't handle the way I'm feeling.

Please try to be gentle with me. I know it's not the way people normally are. I've come here as a last resort to see if maybe there's something someone could possibly say to make me stop being this way.

I don’t know if that’s normal or not but I trust mine. Not least because his parents split up when he was young and he is adamant that he wouldn’t do that to our child. Aside from that we get on well and I don’t think either of us could be bothered trying to find something else that may or may not be as good as what we already have.

@TheSwanAndTomato

Thank you for your message. It does make me feel better knowing that someone else went through it and got past it.

Today isn't a good day. Today it's like there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me but this has made me see a little ray of light.

Not sure what age you are OP, but is it possible you may be menopausal or peri menopausal? Apologies if I'm way off with this.

I've been with my DH over 30 years and never had any reason to doubt him, but when I hit peri menopause, I had anxiety that I had never, ever experienced before. It was horrendous for both of us. Easing now, thanks to HRT.

@ElvisPresleysSideburns

Not sure what age you are OP, but is it possible you may be menopausal or peri menopausal? Apologies if I'm way off with this.

I've been with my DH over 30 years and never had any reason to doubt him, but when I hit peri menopause, I had anxiety that I had never, ever experienced before. It was horrendous for both of us. Easing now, thanks to HRT.

Oh, no, I'm probably 20 years off that one

No, I don't not 100%. I'm very much like you OP. I can't seem to just let go and trust him. He has given me reasons to be fair, from his past not with me. I think knowing he has cheated before just makes me think he is certainly capable of it and its like i'm waiting for the day to be proved right sometimes. I wish I wasn't like this.

Honestly, I don't think my partner ever would cheat on me. We are very open with our communication and our issues on both sides.
But trust isn't really about knowing they won't do it. You can never ever say for sure. But my trust is that if he does, I'll be able to handle it and know to end it there and then. Your issue is that you think you won't be okay. You need to evaluate why you are fixated on this alone.

It does sound like you are overly anxious about it if he hasn't given you any obvious concerns. Has anything changed for you recently? Work? Health? Communication? Freinds? Are you prone to anxiety?

@Francescaisstressed

I've always been like this to an extent, it's just got worse with time.
The longer I'm with him, the more I love him, the more I need him and the more I can't see a life before or after him.

No, I don't completely trust anyone and my dh is a good man/good dad, has never given me any reason to think he would cheat.

This is a difficult one. I trust my partner 100% to not cheat. Whether his eye would be turned by someone else or not is another matter. I would say that I am totally and utterly confident that he would not cheat but would end it with me first before starting a relationship with someone else. Morally, I don't think he could cheat and neither could I but I do understand that sometimes love can wane.

I don’t 100% trust anyone. But I am at peace with that.

I don't have 100% trust in anyone. Not even myself!

Yes I trust my DH. He has never given me a reason not to and we’ve been together most of our adult lives now. Realistically I don’t think he would cheat or anything like that, but I figure that if that happened then it’s him that breaks up the family and it’s a life lesson for me.

It sounds like your issue isn't actually worrying about him treating, but that you feel you can't live without him.

I think everyone can get like that at times, but my concern would be perhaps that you are overly anxious or depressed? I. Don't want to diagnose you but have a think about other aspects of your life as well. If it's really worrying and upsetting you it may be worth speaking to your gp about these worries or considering counselling.

"anyone who confidently says "he would never cheat" is an idiot."

In that case, I'm an idiot. Never a fraction of a second of doubt in the almost 50 years we've been together. We both have total trust in each other and neither of us would betray that trust.

Good luck in getting yourself sorted out, insecureandscared.

@Francescaisstressed

It's definitely him cheating. I do worry about him dying too of course but he's young and the dying is more unlikely right now than cheating.

I did try that a while back and after pouring my heart out, which wasn't easy, they decided I just sounded a bit depressed and they couldn't really help me so I'm on my own in this.

Op I hear you and am fairly similar. I’ve always had underlying trust issues - pretty obviously connected to my dad who was awful growing up and regularly broke my trust. Do you have any background scenario like that? I expect guys to abandon me at some point and seem to be hardwired that way. It’s exhausting! I understand when you say it’s tiring and you must want an off switch , like I do. My dh did a minor thing early dating and I still hold it against him years later and now on my guard. I feel I collect evidence of wrongdoings rather than good ones! It’s self protection and I imagine whatever trauma you have been through ( and it normally is from childhood or a past relationships) this is your mind’s way of protecting itself and being alert to ‘danger’ Now how to solve it ! I’ve been very open with my dh and we work on it together. Sometimes he gets peed off with me for not trusting something but, mostly I can speak openly about it, and that’s helped it not become something that builds up in my mind and snowballs. He reassures me and we move past it.

As others have said, it really does sound like you are suffering from anxiety - the chemicals in your brain are causing this - and counselling and/or meds can make a massive difference.

Because (and I am not saying this to be judgemental in the slightest - I suffer with my MH too) what you are saying isn’t even rational. You are saying you are considering leaving him. Which would put you in exactly the situation you really fear, which is to be without him. It’s like stepping out in front of the wolves and letting them eat you because you can’t stand the tension of hiding from them any more. I understand the impulse all too well, but when you look at it, it doesn’t make sense.

Please please please get some help with this issue - you are more than worth it and you don’t deserve to live this way.

I'm sorry that they completely fobbed you off. I know it's hard after they've been unhelpful but don't let that out you off going back again to the Gp.

Do you think this issue has got worse over lockdown/covid? Why is your set up like? Do you work/get out of the house a lot? Does he? It may be that you need to try and focus on you for a bit, spend some time with your freinds, hobbies etc if you are fixated on him.im sorry I can't help more but I hope you feel better about all this soon.

The thing is, trust is a choice. You can never 100% guarantee someone will not betray you. Sometimes that choice is easy - when the other party has given you no reason not to trust them and you don't have life baggage which hinders you trusting people; sometimes it's difficult. You can demand honesty transparency etc, but then your trust isn't really real, because you're constantly demanding evidence of their trustworthiness. Ultimately you have to just take the plunge.

Your issue is nothing to do with your partner, it's entirely to do with your self worth. Go to therapy and work on your self esteem, and make the choice to trust your other half - he sounds like a good 'un

@TheSwanAndTomato

I used to feel like this. I remember having similar feelings about my husband - that I couldn’t bear the idea of him even looking at another woman. I was unable to enjoy the nice times because I was preoccupied by the idea of it all ending - I felt as though letting myself enjoy things would just make me more vulnerable to being hurt. Like you, I’d considered leaving because I was so sure an end was inevitable that I just wanted it out of the way. We have been together since I was 16, he is - actually - the only person who has loved me unconditionally but of course, that’s why I was so afraid of him leaving.

What I didn’t realise was that it was a new expression of my OCD. I’ve had OCD since early childhood, complicated by sexual abuse and abandonment issues. I’d never had a marriage or child before so of course I’d never experienced that particular form of OCD before. In hindsight, I can see that the textbook intrusive thoughts and sense of impending doom were there - it just took me a while to realise that it was less about an actual ‘threat’ (my husband has only ever been wonderful!) and more about a lifelong issue presenting in a new way.

Once I realised, I immediately started medication and took myself back to CBT. And honestly, it has changed everything. I promise. These fears consumed me and I almost destroyed my relationship with my husband - that’s the thing with OCD, it tortures you until the things you worry about become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I look back and I am so thankful that my husband gave me a chance to sort myself out - I was a nightmare to be with, I’m sure. I’m so glad that I managed to take control of it because I doubt my relationship would have lasted otherwise. I would have driven myself and my husband to breaking point.

I say all this just to let you know that it is possible to go from being so anxious and so exhausted to being genuinely at peace. It takes work but it is so, so worth it to reach a point where you can just enjoy your relationship for what it is. I honestly completely trust my husband now and I can enjoy being with him - whether it’s forever or just until tomorrow.

You can get to that place, I promise. You deserve to enjoy loving and being loved. You don’t need to be the only woman to exist in your husband’s universe for him to love you - he will love you anyway, you are not inferior.

Seek help, you’ll be so glad that you did. 💐💐💐

This is interesting, I wouldn’t have thought it could be a type of OCD. How did it present itself? Was it the same thoughts and situations that triggered it?

@Lovedove

I really do want an off switch. I want to feel nothing. I want a break from this prison that is my mind. I actually feel like I'm being squeezed to death. It's an emotional but also an actual physical pain.

My dad did abandon me but that was when I was still too little to understand it. My mum wasn't a teen mum but she was too young and not ready for me. Every weekend and holiday was spent with my nan, who I adore so much. I know that without her, what I am today would be considered well balanced and well adjusted compared to what I would be.
There was and is a stepdad in the picture who is lovely but for various reason he was in and out of my life during my childhood and I never really got to connect with him in a way that ever made me feel like he's my dad.

Before my husband I had some shitty relationships. My most serious ex cheated on me allegedly, but I don't know for sure. I wasn't in love with him like that so while I was hurt I moved on from it. He then started hitting me and that's still with me. My blood runs cold when I think about it and I can't see people on tv having the shit kicked out of them because of that and my whole body just tenses up. A slap etc wouldn't affect me though.

My husband does get angry with me when I don't trust him and his words and I get that. It isn't fair on him when he swears he's telling me the truth and he knows for me it would be a lot worse if he lied about it than if he just said "yeah Anne at work is pretty I guess" for example. He says I have to trust that when he tells me something, it's the truth, like he always trusts that I'm telling him the truth.
He reassures me but it's like my brain won't let me believe it. I feel better for a short time and then I just hear a voice in my head saying I'm a stupid fucking bitch if I believe him. Like I said before, I'm just so incredibly tired.

@Francescaisstressed

I think a bit worse. It's all worse to be honest. Worried about covid as we both have asthma.

We are both working from home. We don't socialise because of covid, other than online.
I can't say I have any hobbies. Nothing actually brings me pleasure these days and my attention span isn't the best.

Try again to find some therapy to help you address this thinking because it is toxic to your relationship

He just won't. I think it helps that of he did I know id survive and be able to make a happy life after. The idea of being single doesn't scare me and whilst I love and want to be with my partner I would enjoy single life, holidays, hanging out at home alone or with child, doing stuff I never get round to.

When life doesn't revolve around a relationship it's easier to take it or leave it x

I always worried my ex spouse would cheat on me. Even though they were the good guy who everyone loved and trusted and I and everyone around us thought he was madly in love with me. The perfect partner so to speak. Loving, attentive and generous...
In the end he did cheat and leave.
I will never know whether it was a self fulfilling prophecy or my inner spidey senses picked up on something hidden deeply.
Either way am actually really happy single and without that fear. My biggest fear happened and I’ve survived it.
I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful to you but I do wonder if my subconscious knew something I didn’t. Probably rubbish and I was just unlucky.