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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that my partner is high at 10:30am?

121 replies

Bubblyliquid · 23/03/2021 10:55

When we met three years ago he didn't smoke at all. Two years ago it started becoming a 'thing'. We had quite a few disagreements as I didn't want to be going out with him when he'd be stinking of the stuff (I mean, before going shopping or going out for a meal he'd have to have a joint).

It's got to the point from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed he's smoking. He's got a new job after being redundant last year so we're not able to say if he's able to hold it down or not.

He says that it's normal that most people smoke it.. nothing to be embarrassed over.

OP posts:

TatianaBis · 23/03/2021 14:50

Well obviously this is the end of the relationship. Not sure why you're posting here?

TollgateDebs · 23/03/2021 14:53

Most employers do random testing and sorry, not normal, this is addictive behaviour and will lead to damage to himself and those around him.

QuizzlyBear · 23/03/2021 14:54

I smoke recreationally, as do many other adults I know - however that means a joint or two (in the garden) in the evening to wind down, not staying hammered all day!

He's smoking like somebody without any responsibilities - I suspect that he's using it as a coping mechanism if it's a relatively sudden change. Maybe he's experiencing anxiety or similar? Self-medication can be very dodgy territory...

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 15:05

Clearly it perturbs you and impacts on the relationship. So what are you going to do?
He’s clearly happy to continue and he’s telling you that. Listen carefully he’s explicitly telling you that this is who he is and he won’t stop smoking
So you need to decide do you want an ongoing relationship with such a man?

oldshoeuk · 23/03/2021 15:05

Ok, so the question has to be, what is reasonable? That's going to be a personal thing.

For me it's zero tolerance, but he's not my partner, so not my problem.

Apparently everyone does it, except of course not you, or me, or anyone else I know, so not quite everyone.

I say again, you have to decide for you what reasonable is. How much shoplifting is reasonable (lot of people do it), domestic violence, drunk/drug driving. Some people find it reasonable, good luck to them.

ddl1 · 23/03/2021 15:06

YANBU at all. This is extreme and addictive behaviour. Just as one would be upset with a partner who was drunk every day by 10;30 a.m. and was risking their job through alcohol.

Lockdown may have made this worse; nevertheless he MUST take it seriously and get some help if he can't stop on his own.

He's not smoking a joint a couple of evenings a week; it's constant.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/03/2021 15:10

You got into a relationship with a man who wasn't a drug user.

He is now a drug user, not the man you knew. You have asked him to stop he has made it clear he won't.

You now have a decision to make, do you want to remain in a relationship with a drug user?

Give him an ultimatum and then when you have your final answer, follow through, It is really that simple.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 15:14

If it grates now when you’re parents with a dependent child and responsibility it'll be worse
Are you planning children?what about when the HV or MW visit and smell weed,see drug paraphernalia? They might raise a safeguarding?

EerieSilence · 23/03/2021 15:16

Apparently everyone smokes it and he’s promised not to smoke it directly near me.

I don't. Neither do most people around where I live, except for our neighbour's adolescent son. How old is your DP, 18?

emmetgirl · 23/03/2021 15:17

Er......it certainly isn't "normal". You need to get rid of this bloke.

Hallyup5 · 23/03/2021 15:18

I'd have left him the moment he had that first joint. Not the sort of person I'd want to be around, at all.

Enko · 23/03/2021 15:40

Apparently I can’t judge as I wouldn’t be able to quit alcohol —I could but I have no need to, or want to—.

Challenge that 1 month no getting high for him no achohol for you. see what happens if he cant go 1 month without then honestly get rid (though for me 10 30 am would be get rid)

StanfordPines · 23/03/2021 15:56

No. Plenty people smoke weed but in the evening or at the weekend. Not all day long.

QuiteContraryMarie · 23/03/2021 16:08

Do you want to be in a relationship with this loser?

Bananalanacake · 23/03/2021 16:08

How long were you together when he moved in. Did he pay his way. Was losing his job a recent thing. Don't give him any money. Even better, kick him out if it's your home.

gingganggooleywotsit · 23/03/2021 16:36

That is too much, if he insists on smoking and you still want to be with him, he could try cutting down to one in the evening? He will 100% lose his job if he keeps smoking all day. It’s a slippery slope I’ve seen it before with a friend’s partner.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/03/2021 16:48

Nah... I'm 41, I do know plenty of people who smoke regularly (plenty of folk round here grow it themselves), I used to but not now despite how good it is for my pain levels its not good for my lungs.

None of us smoke all day, from rolling out of bed to rolling back in it. It's an evenings, weekends, afternoons off once boring adult jobs are done kinda thing.

He might like to tell himself thats normal but it's no more normal than drinking from breakfast til bedtime would be.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/03/2021 17:39

Your post reads like it’s written by a truculent teen. Not a 41 yo adult @WiddlinDiddlin

It's an evenings, weekends, afternoons off once boring adult jobs are done kinda thing.
Boring adult jobs?you’re 41. You’re the adult who is acting too cool for school. How deeply superficial all that trying too hard, getting lumbered with the boring adult jobs.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/03/2021 08:54

He says that it's normal that most people smoke it.. nothing to be embarrassed over.

It is only normal in certain circles, up to you if these are the circles you want to be in.

My normal is, other than my BIL who lives miles away and I don't socalise with, none of my family or friends are drug users. As far as I am aware none of my colleagues are drug users either (though I know they could be withholding the information for professional reasons), I have admitted to them I dabbled in my teens and grew out of it very quickly, they all were adamant they had never even tried.

treefox3513 · 24/03/2021 09:10

I was with a smoker for 7 years. It never got any better. As our friends moved on and grew up, he continued to get high constantly.

Quite a lot of the people I knew at the time did it, but I was in my late teens/early twenties when I was with him.

Now in my mid 30's and not running with his crowd I only know of one person who does it and they have the odd joint at the weekend.

It's not normal in most social circles to do it to the extent that your partner is.
I guarantee if he's doing it outside he's pissing your neighbours off. They may report you, and not to the police, because they wouldn't do anything for a recreational smoker. I've heard of people reporting neighbours directly to their employers and stuff.

If it's not a problem now, it will be down the line.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 09:14

If its all the time and in the morning its an issue?

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