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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you pay this for a wedding/hen?

113 replies

Itsasin1981 · 23/03/2021 09:37

Wedding:
£120 per person for 2 nights' accommodation in a guest house.
£90 return train ticket.
£80 towards bridesmaid dresses (requested by the bride that we split the cost of it)
Then the cost of the present, drinks etc.
The wedding was located in a stately home in a very remote location and this was the closest hotel.

Hen party:

£250 all in all for one night away including transport, accomodation, activities and so on.

Not sure why these things are so expensive? Payment in installments was offered and it was suggested that we save towards it each month.

I wouldn't dream of asking people to spend that much money because I'm getting married. Especially as some people will feel like they can't say no.

OP posts:

ChocOrange1 · 23/03/2021 15:13

*60 guests

InTheNightWeWillWish · 23/03/2021 15:18

£120 per person for 2 nights' accommodation in a guest house. That’s a reasonable price per night for accommodation, assuming it’s per room, not per person. Given that your train fare costs £90, it would appear you aren’t close enough to do that journey in one day and would have to stay over. Ideally you’d be able to choose your own place rather than having to say somewhere in particular but if the place is remote as you say, then you don’t have a choice or have to factor the cost of a taxi into accommodation.
£90 return train ticket. That isn’t a cost the bride has any control over. If you have to travel to a wedding, this is a cost you incur. However, the costs you incur getting to a wedding will change the amount you’re able to put towards a wedding present and people should understand that.
£80 towards bridesmaid dresses (requested by the bride that we split the cost of it) I think that is poor. If you want your bridesmaids to pay then they should choose.
Then the cost of the present, drinks etc.
The wedding was located in a stately home in a very remote location and this was the closest hotel. Presents and drinks are a given at any wedding though. What you give towards a wedding is based on other expenses for the wedding though. If we have to travel and stay somewhere for a wedding, the wedding gift is smaller than if we’re going 30 mins away and can get a taxi home. Usually drinks are overpriced. That isn’t specifically the bride’s fault either. We chose a hotel that was cheap, which meant rooms were cheaper but drinks were more expensive.

Hen party:
£250 all in all for one night away including transport, accomodation, activities and so on. Personally, yes, I think that’s too much money but hen dos aren’t compulsory (neither are weddings). If the cost of the hen do is too much you should have said no. I’ve turned down hen dos when the costs have been too high or the bride has wanted to go abroad.

TooMuchYarn · 23/03/2021 15:37

I think paying for a bridesmaids dress is a bit off unless it's a dress you both like and would wear again. That said, I'd probably pay 80 pounds for a dress to wear to a wedding for a good friend - but the choice of dress would be mine. Don't think you can ask someone to pay for dress they have not chosen - and same for the shoes, the bride should pay unless the BM is using her own.

The rest would be fine for me for a good friend - I have paid that and more for close friends wedding (actually much more as I usually need to factor in flights to attend friends weddings and hen-dos due to where I live).
But its more than you can afford it is absolutely fine to say no - particularly for the hen party, and its also fine to give a present you can afford if the gift list is a bit mad (I've seen dinner plates at 20 pounds EACH on gift lists ...). I would NOT be saving for someone elses wedding.

juice92 · 23/03/2021 15:42

I would pay all the other costs for a close friend but I would absolutely not pay for the bridesmaid dress.

When you get married you budget for bridesmaids dresses and if you can't afford them then a cheaper dress should be chosen or something else cut

Naunet · 23/03/2021 16:12

Ahhh, so you can save for their wedding, but they can’t save to buy bridesmaids dresses?! It would be a hard no from me!

mindutopia · 23/03/2021 16:16

That sounds pretty standard to me. I've never been to a wedding where I didn't have to pay for 1-2 nights hotel or holiday let (obviously not demanded by the bride/groom), but as the weddings were no where near where I lived, I had to sleep somewhere. Travel also pretty standard, you have to get there somehow and I suppose if the only way is by train, then that sounds reasonable. You could have always hired a car, but that might have cost more.

Bridesmaid dresses, I think it can go either way. My MOH paid for her own dress, but it was a dress of her choice, not one I dictated. I did however pay for her accommodation and a taxi to collect her from the train station. My wedding was overseas for her (she doesn't live in the UK, but travelled here for wedding because this is where dh and I live). So she paid her airfare, but I put her up with my family and got her a taxi to and from the station.

I'm not really into hen and stag do's and wouldn't personally go on one (I had an afternoon tea at my house with drinks in the evening and that was it). But I'd say that's pretty reasonably priced compared to the stag do's dh has been on, which I would imagine were closer to £500 plus spending money for food and drinks, but usually were 2-3 nights. I think that's a silly amount to hang out with your drunk friends being extra drunk and annoying, but he has the money to spend and he's often been the best man so couldn't really get out of it.

twoofusburningmatches · 23/03/2021 16:16

Would pay that for a good friend’s wedding (and did so plus more when earning not that much money and living in London). But the bridesmaid dress cost is weird, unless you are in the US!

Eskarina1 · 23/03/2021 16:22

If I could afford it and I liked the person well enough, yes.

If they suggested I pay monthly, like I would not consider my overall finances and need to be introduced to the concept of saving, no, they could sod off.

ShowMeTheSugar · 23/03/2021 16:26

Overall those prices are similar to what I've seen previously apart from two main sticking points:
Asking you to pay for your own BM dress is not the norm in my circle
£250 for the Hen would normally be a two night affair so a bit much for one

Ultimately, the couple can ask you to pay but in future hopefully you can feel firmer in saying no. Its a lot, and unless it were a close friend or family and I had the money Id be saying no to that.

chaosrabbitland · 23/03/2021 16:38

nope , not even if id won the lottery would i be paying that no matter how good a friend they were , im bemused really why 2 people choosing to get married expect people they have also chosen to invite as guests and be bridesmaids to then pay towards it to help them out with the cost , cant afford it all then have a simple do its that easy , . im quite blunt so if somebody invited me and presented me with the costs they would be getting a rather blunt reply as to what i thought of it

Chloemol · 23/03/2021 16:40

It’s not just what you listed though, if you are staying two nights you will need a meal the first night, is breakfast included both days ? Are drinks free at the wedding or a paying bar

If it’s a close friend I would do the wedding, but not the hen, I couldn’t afford both

Itsokthanks · 23/03/2021 16:46

No because I can't afford it. If I could and it was a good friend then yes. It is a bit cheeky though to assume people want to spend so much.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 23/03/2021 16:57

I vetoed a friend's wedding for this very reason. Worked out that between the hen party and the wedding day I wouldn't get much change from £600 and I just didn't have that kind of money at the time.

Personally, I think expecting your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses is the height of cheek. And I think the trend for lavish hen weekends has gone waaaay to far. It's utter selfishness to expect people to shell out a fortune because you are getting married - not everyone is in that financial position. (My hen do was prequel cocktails at my house followed by a meal in the local tapas restaurant. Nobody paid more than £40 all in and we all had a cracking time.)

iklboo · 23/03/2021 17:06

Having to pay for your own drinks is one of my pets hate. It's chavvy at the extreme.

Expecting a free bar is grabby in the extreme.

1Morewineplease · 23/03/2021 17:17

I think that these OTT hen/stag dos are a cause of some distress to many people. When the silly costs of these are added to the grabby requests from the B & G to pay for bridesmaids outfits, hair and make up and even extra financial contributions towards the big day are factored in then the cost can be staggeringly and unaffordably high.

It's gone to far.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/03/2021 17:36

No. Also if people drop out then you may have to cough up even more.
This is far too much.

Bouncebacker · 23/03/2021 17:43

I’m going to go against most of the grain and say the wedding costs seem fine - Hen party is a bit steep for one night if in the UK, so I’d only go if it was a good friend

Chimeraforce · 23/03/2021 17:47

No.

frazzledasarock · 23/03/2021 17:50

Hahahaha £540 + gift and drinks on someone else’s wedding doing things I wouldn’t normally want to do wearing a dress I wouldn’t dream of buying or wearing otherwise.

No!

ItsNotLoveActually · 23/03/2021 17:53

Unless all her friends/family are wealthy otherwise this is ridiculous and really selfish. You're talking around £1K, no way would I do it, for anyone.

bravotango · 23/03/2021 17:55

Costs for the wedding itself, reasonable.
Costs for the hen, unreasonable if you couldn't afford it, and fine to say no to.

bellsbuss · 23/03/2021 18:08

I think it's standard costs for a hen fo and wedding, the dress the bride should pay for though.

bellsbuss · 23/03/2021 18:10

Oh and I do find it strange on here how people don't like to attend weddings as in real life everyone I know loves a wedding invite.

PattyPan · 23/03/2021 18:26

@bellsbuss I love a wedding invite as long as it’s not going to cost the best part of a grand for DP and I to attend!
Can’t believe £250 is standard for a hen do. Just go to the pub and stick an L plate on

RedToothBrush · 24/03/2021 09:42

@Itsasin1981

I was on minimum wage but everybody else on over 26/27k plus. One dropped out as her son was ill but literally everybody else went. I paid them but in the future I will be firmer and say no.

You need a spine.

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