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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you pay this for a wedding/hen?

113 replies

Itsasin1981 · 23/03/2021 09:37

Wedding:
£120 per person for 2 nights' accommodation in a guest house.
£90 return train ticket.
£80 towards bridesmaid dresses (requested by the bride that we split the cost of it)
Then the cost of the present, drinks etc.
The wedding was located in a stately home in a very remote location and this was the closest hotel.

Hen party:

£250 all in all for one night away including transport, accomodation, activities and so on.

Not sure why these things are so expensive? Payment in installments was offered and it was suggested that we save towards it each month.

I wouldn't dream of asking people to spend that much money because I'm getting married. Especially as some people will feel like they can't say no.

OP posts:

AnaofBroceliande · 23/03/2021 09:56

I'd turn down being a bridesmaid.

Original poster

Itsasin1981 · 23/03/2021 09:56

I had to buy new shoes for it too as they had to be a specific colour.

OP posts:

CeeJay81 · 23/03/2021 09:57

Only if it was my best friend but my best friend wouldn't expect me to pay for the dress, although I'd probably offer. We'd probably arrange all this stuff together though and neither of us have a lot of money.

Walesrecommendations · 23/03/2021 09:58

When BIL got married it was £500 for the stag (2 nights in the town we lived in at the time) £500 plus spending money for the hen (3 nights abroad) £240 for 2 nights accommodation ( had to be in a specific hotel as stipulated by BIL so couldn't choose cheaper place, also had to arrive the night before to help set up for the wedding, so no option to save money and only stay one night) then £150 for DP's groomsman suit in a specific colour that he'll never wear again. I didn't go on the hen because we were saving for a house and we just couldn't afford it all and got a very lukewarm reception on the day from the rest of the hen party. I have to say I really resented the way they passed so much of the cost on whilst saving by using friends and family to help out. I even did a stint as bar maid in the evening. I wouldn't dream of asking that much from friends and family just because we're getting married, I think it's an absolute liberty when everyone has their own big things they're saving for, but it just seems expected these days.

UrAWizHarry · 23/03/2021 10:01

TBH the costs all seem pretty reasonable. Accomodation and travel etc are what they are - if you want to stay in a hotel and get trains etc that's just what it is. £250 for the hen's night if that covers accomodation/travel/food etc doesn't seem too bad either.

You don't have to go to either if you don't want to or can't afford it.

I think traditionally the B&G cover the cost of bridesmaid outfits and that is the only thing I would have a slight issue with.

LilMidge01 · 23/03/2021 10:03

Depends on your relationship to the bride. For one of my besties, of course! Just a good friend who has loads of other bridesmaids....not so much

dropthedeadhorse · 23/03/2021 10:05

Hotel sounds reasonable. I would probably drive/car share rather than pay £90 for train ticket. I would go (assuming I liked the couple - but then if I didn’t like them I wouldn’t go regardless of how cheap it was). Paying for bridesmaids dresses really isn’t ok- if you can’t afford them either don’t have bridesmaids or find out what they already own that would co-ordinate. I’ve seen some lovely wedding photos where the bride has asked bridesmaids to all wear floral dresses.
£250 all in for a hen I wanted to go on sounds fine.

AnneTwackie · 23/03/2021 10:06

So this already happened? Why are you asking about it now? Did you fall out over it?
And no I wouldn’t pay for all that, especially not the dress

PattyPan · 23/03/2021 10:07

I’d pay the travel and accommodation costs (I’m assuming it’s quite far away so you do have to stay 2 nights?)
But I wouldn’t pay that for the hen do and I think the bride should pay for the bridesmaids’ dresses.

Ijustdontcare · 23/03/2021 10:14

Some people on this site seem to think unless a wedding is free, at the end of your street and caters to your every need you should tell the couple to F off and go NC. In truth, it's a lot more complex than that though. I have paid similar amounts and more to go to friends weddings, but we were all childless young professionals earning decent money. If you are all living pay cheque to pay cheque with families to support then its much more unreasonable and I would expect some people to say no.

Dontjudgeme101 · 23/03/2021 10:21

No l wouldn’t go. It’s expensive and l think it’s cheeky to ask people to spend that amount of money on a Hen do and Wedding.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/03/2021 10:25

Those costs sound pretty reasonable to me - but it is all relative of course. I wouldn’t be paying for the bridesmaid dress though - if she wants me in it, she can pay for it.

Heyahun · 23/03/2021 10:25

I’d only be annoyed about having to pay for the dress.

Everything else isn’t very much money - most people have to stay in a hotel when at a wedding - people tend to live all over the place so everyone has a different distance to travel?
I live in the U.K. - most weddings I attend are in Ireland - always have to pay for flights when i go back for weddings it’s no big deal - I go back if it’s a close friend or family member

Attending weddings is just expensive

emmathedilemma · 23/03/2021 10:25

The wedding costs sound quite reasonable apart from the dress which I think the bride should pay for.
£250 for one night on a hen do, especially if it's not something you would personally choose to do is quite a lot even if you can afford it. What are they doing?

Sparklybanana · 23/03/2021 10:26

I think it's cheeky to charge for anything that's mandatory at your wedding. If you can't afford to cover then you shouldn't have those things. I had one bridesmaid for that reason. People get way too wrapped up in their own importance for weddings and don't realise that most people actually don't care anywhere near as much. The more bridezilla someone is, the more likely divorce is to follow ime.

But in answer to your question. I would pay for hen and wedding (except dresses, shoes etc) for a close person IF I could afford it. I'm quite happy to say "I can't afford this sorry!" if I can't afford it. Stupid getting into debt for a henny. If they were close enough to really want me there then they'd help me go or make some changes so we could all go. If my best friend couldn't go, I'd certainly pull out all the stops so she could be there.

LolaSmiles · 23/03/2021 10:30

The wedding I would probably pay, whilst quietly thinking it's another wedding where very little care has been given to the guests.

The hen do I wouldn't pay and I also don't think bridesmaids should pay for their own dresses. In my opinion couples should cover the costs for their wedding party if they've chosen the dress/suit/flowers/makeup/shoes/hair etc.

FeistySheep · 23/03/2021 10:43

Absolutely not. I wouldn't be friends with someone who was this entitled and cheeky in the first place. It's a well known fact that the bride pays for the bridesmaids' dresses. If she is not happy for them to wear a pair of shoes they already have, she should pay for shoes too.
Hen dos can be anything the bride wants I suppose, but she shouldn't be at all surprised if nobody wants to come. I wanted my friends to be able to come to mine (without hating me for forcing them to spend money) so I had a picnic/games outside. Maybe your friend doesn't care much about her friends actually wanting to attend her hen night, and she's happy to have them attend because they feel they have to to keep her happy?

If you want to go and make it cheaper, can you camp in the grounds of the estate somewhere secluded? Then you can pee behind a tree etc in the morning and go on your merry way. Free! I've done this at three weddings.

Rosieposy89 · 23/03/2021 10:48

Absolutely would not pay that. That is the price of a decent holiday for me! Also, bridesmaids shouldn't be paying for their own dresses.

FlatCheese · 23/03/2021 10:49

mrsm43s · 23/03/2021 10:54

On the whole, I think these costs are reasonable. They are not things that you are paying for her they are generally your own costs you are covering.

Wedding:
£120 per person for 2 nights' accommodation in a guest house. Paying for your own accommodation is to be expected. You could have reduced the costs by staying just one night. £60 per night is cheap end for a wedding hotel.
£90 return train ticket. Paying for your own travel costs is entirely to be expected.
£80 towards bridesmaid dresses (requested by the bride that we split the cost of it) This I have some sympathy with you on. Personally I paid for my bridesmaids dresses in full, which I think was the right thing to do
Then the cost of the present, drinks etc. Expected and reasonable. Buy a present that is within your budget (or make something - a photobook etc for close friends tends to be well received, and could be put together for pennies), and stick to the number of drinks that you can afford. There's usually a free meal included plus drinks for toasts etc - you could easily stick to tap water once the freebies were run out if you were on a very tight budget.

Hen party:
£250 all in all for one night away including transport, accomodation, activities and so on. Who else do you think should pay for your trip away - your transport, your accommodation, your activities etc? £250 is not actually a huge amount tbh for a trip away with activities included, and I presume you could have chosen not to go if it was unaffordable for you.

All in, I think the costs are reasonable, with the possible exception of paying towards the dress, although that seems more commonplace nowadays than it used to be. If you had a problem with this, you should have raised it with the bride at the time.

LolaSmiles · 23/03/2021 10:57

Sometimes I wish the people getting married would look at the total cost that they're asking of people. Hundreds of pounds for the hen and wedding, multiplied by however many guests you have can soon add up to a huge amount for something that's all over and done with in a day or so.
That's how I feel.
Whilst I know there's the inevitable people on mumsnet think that if you spend more than 3p on your wedding then it's excessive arguments that crop up on wedding threads, I do think an awful lot of couples don't think about their guests.

zzzebra · 23/03/2021 11:23

I wouldn't be particularly happy about it, but both me and my husband have had to do it on multiple occasions.

We had one in stately home in the arse end of nowhere 4 hours from home that started at 10am, the bride told us we had to stay the night before so we're were ready for duty in the morning. The hotel was over £200 a night, we had to pay £50 for dinner in the hotel restaurant the night before and £20 for breakfast each day because there was nowhere else to go. Drinks beyond a single glass of wine at dinner weren't provided and were £5+ each.

The hen do was £350, the bridesmaid dress was £200, hair and make up was £100. The whole thing cost me, and many others, over £1000.

The bride always gloats about how they did a great job at keeping costs. The venue was super cheap as they just had to 'fill the rooms' for the weekend.

I genuinely don't think they realised the whole thing was cheap because the costs were pushed onto the guest.

user1471548941 · 23/03/2021 11:36

I got very frustrated at a friend who had a 3 day hen in the UK costing >£300 and then a wedding abroad that was >£1000. I found it made me resentful and impacted the friendship! I could afford it but it wasn’t a location I would chose to go to so that was frustrating. I was also aware of other friends who really stretched to afford it and throughout the time we were there were really struggling for things like meals out etc.

We earn significantly more than the majority of our friends and family, just because of the industry we both work in and it makes me really conscious of not splashing the cash in people’s faces for our day.

We do want a big wedding that means people will need to stay over (DP’s family all live 3/4 hours away) in a nice hotel but we will be heavily subsidising the cost and only charging our guests around the price of a Premier Inn (includes breakfast) as we appreciate that they will already be spending out on travel and new outfits etc to attend. The set up with the hotel is that we have rented out the whole place and the guests rooms will be booked through us, so no one will know what the “real” price would be.

My hen will be an afternoon tea the day before when everyone has already arrived for the wedding, although my DP may do a weekend away with his friends as he hasn’t seem them in a long time due to distance/pandemic.

Pippa12 · 23/03/2021 11:53

I agree asking for £80 for dresses is I think the bride should rethink that...

However, an invitation is just that... it’s not a summons. If you cannot afford to or just don’t want to then you don’t have to. In my opinion, B&G should not have to compromise on their day/stag/hen parties to suit others, but should not be upset if people decline the invitation for whatever reason.

I got married abroad and both me and DH had our hen/stags abroad. We didn’t send wedding invites out until after people had booked and made it very clear there were no hard feelings if friends/family didn’t want/couldn’t come. The wedding venue was a very special and important place to us both. I had 60 people at my wedding and 25 on my hen (which probs cost around £300 absolutely all in including spending money). One friend didn’t come, no hard feelings, I’m still great friends with her all this time later.

IMHO people should just be honest and see invitations as just that...

grapewine · 23/03/2021 11:55

@AnneTwackie

So this already happened? Why are you asking about it now? Did you fall out over it? And no I wouldn’t pay for all that, especially not the dress

This. I don't understand people asking after the fact. You can't have felt it was so unreasonable if you ended up paying.

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