Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you pay this for a wedding/hen?

113 replies

Itsasin1981 · 23/03/2021 09:37

Wedding:
£120 per person for 2 nights' accommodation in a guest house.
£90 return train ticket.
£80 towards bridesmaid dresses (requested by the bride that we split the cost of it)
Then the cost of the present, drinks etc.
The wedding was located in a stately home in a very remote location and this was the closest hotel.

Hen party:

£250 all in all for one night away including transport, accomodation, activities and so on.

Not sure why these things are so expensive? Payment in installments was offered and it was suggested that we save towards it each month.

I wouldn't dream of asking people to spend that much money because I'm getting married. Especially as some people will feel like they can't say no.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 23/03/2021 11:57

Childhood friend - yes

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/03/2021 11:59

Fucking cheeky to tell people they can pay in installments

Even cheekier to suggest they "save up for it" Hmm

ILoveExcel · 23/03/2021 12:03

Expecting to pay towards bm dress is cheeky but the rest doesn't seem massively unreasonable. Depends if you were given the option with accommodation or made to stay there, I've had a couple where I was expected to fork out for rooms at the venue etc and I think that's a cheeky ask - people should be given options and then they choose where they stay.

thecatandthevicar · 23/03/2021 12:04

The bridesmaid cost is out of order

Having to pay for your own drinks is one of my pets hate. It's chavvy at the extreme. If you can't afford hundred of guests, don't invite hundred of guests. Invite the ones you can afford to have!

A BYO in a (nice) barn can be friendly. Booking a stately home you can't afford is just embarrassing.

The cost linked with the wedding, well that's normal. If you were going to anything else, party, diner, you'd still pay for your travel and accommodation.
£60 is cheap.

Hen night is cheap too if everything is included. Unless you just go for a pizza which is not really festive, what else can you do for next to nothing, when you included drinks and activities?
You could just say no.

User135792468 · 23/03/2021 12:05

That doesn’t sound excessive to me at all. I’d say all weddings have been roughly the same so when I did it for friends, they also did the same for me. I’ve never had to pay for bridesmaid dresses though. That tends to be paid for by the bride.

AnaofBroceliande · 23/03/2021 12:07

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Fucking cheeky to tell people they can pay in installments

Even cheekier to suggest they "save up for it" Hmm

I agree, and these types of weddings always come with a 'Give us money for our honeymoon' requests, too.
FoonySpucker · 23/03/2021 12:09

I wouldn't be particularly happy about it, but both me and my husband have had to do it on multiple occasions.

Why have you "had" to do it?
You could have just not gone.

the bride told us we had to stay the night before

Just because somebody says something it doesn't mean you have to do it.

katy1213 · 23/03/2021 12:12

Dear god, you have to take out an HP agreement to be a wedding guest! Does she do 0% easy credit?
Thankfully, I have never had such rude, ignorant friends - and I do find it very easy to say no! You're under no obligation to fulfil her Kardashian dream.

Popsy321 · 23/03/2021 12:12

Under no circumstances but then I loathe hen dos and weddings and nothing could make me attend them in the first place, regardless of whose they are.

Dozer · 23/03/2021 12:16

You had options to decline being a bridesmaid or to pull out when costs (both time and money) became clear.

I was a bridesmaid once, bride paid for dress and at the time I could afford the shoes, hen do etc. Circumstances changed and I later twice declined requests to be a bridesmaid because of concerns about the likely time and money involved.

Travel and accommodation costs for wedding can easily be worked out by the invitees and decision taken on whether or not to accept.

Mylovelyhorsee · 23/03/2021 12:18

Sounds like normal Costs. However, I had a free bar at my wedding as paid for the bridesmaids dresses.

The costs you’ve listed is just how much going to a wedding costs.

EmbarrassingMama · 23/03/2021 12:22

Why is this a discussion? If you have the money and she's a good friend, then go. If you have the money but don't want to spend it, then don't. If you don't have the money then your decision is already made.

The end.

RonObvious · 23/03/2021 12:22

Context is everything. I could easily see that I could pay that much to go to a wedding, but I would expect that there would be a choice for the accommodation. So, a particular hotel is recommended, but if I decide to stay in a B&B or Travelodge, that is fine too. I would pay that much for a Hen too, but again, if I had been consulted and the plan had all been agreed in advance. Someone just presenting it as a fait accompli with an invoice would probably put my back up quite a lot.

Flyonawalk · 23/03/2021 12:23

The hosts treats their guests, surely.

If the bride can afford to pay for her friends to have a spa break/island holiday/special dining experience, then she can have that elaborate party. If not, then it’s a night in with pizza and Netflix, on a lower budget.

I am amazed that inviting someone to celebrate with you comes with an expectation that guests should pay for it themselves.

ILoveExcel · 23/03/2021 12:35

@thecatandthevicar I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, and can I assure that neither myself nor my friends are 'chavvy to the extreme' Hmm

An0n0n0n · 23/03/2021 12:39

Yes.
Yes.
No.
Optional.

The first two are just costs to attend so if you're going these are part and parcel, as are gifts etc.

I think its awful form to ask or accept someone paying the cost of a bridesmaid dress. If the bride wants a bridesmaid she news to pay for it.

The hen...if you want to go, go, if you don't then don't. It's an invite not a summons.

thecatandthevicar · 23/03/2021 12:45

[quote ILoveExcel]@thecatandthevicar I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, and can I assure that neither myself nor my friends are 'chavvy to the extreme' Hmm[/quote]
If someone invites more people than they can afford, that's debatable.

Especially when it's a stately home, and they found the funds for expensive wedding invitations and a wedding photographer.

I always picture these people giving a ticket to guests invited for diner or a bbq, giving them a free soft drink before they start charging them too 😂

Cam2020 · 23/03/2021 12:55

I have spent similar many times over, but never again!

Thehawki · 23/03/2021 14:23

@thecatandthevicar I’ve also never been to a wedding with a free bar, are you talking about paying for the drinks with the meal and the toast? I mean I could maybe pay for one drink each at the bar but it would be thousands more for everyone to have the 4 or 5 more they will get from the bar!

Mylovelyhorsee · 23/03/2021 14:35

@Thehawki and @thecatandthevicar most weddings I’ve gone to are free bar, this is not just drinks on table, it is an open bar for people to order what they like. However, these weddings have been paid for by parents so that’s probably why, the last few I’ve been to that have been paid for by bride and groom have been cash bar. I don’t mind paying for drinks at a wedding, it’s nice if you don’t have too but fine if you do.

ChocOrange1 · 23/03/2021 15:00

I would be happy with the cost of the guest house and travel. You probably could have found a cheaper hotel a bit further away if it was an issue.
I would not be happy to split the cost of the bridesmaid dress, if she wants expensive dresses she should pay, if she can't afford them then go to debenhams and get cheaper ones.

No way would I spend £250 on a hen party.

Ikora · 23/03/2021 15:05

All ok apart from the bridesmaids dress. Bride should pay for the entire outfit and if she wants them to have professional hair and make up that as well.

I have always just decided if I like the person enough to spend money on attending their hen nights and weddings.

Loads of my family live in America and Hong Kong so I have spent thousands attending weddings. Three day weddings with an outfit for each day. I appreciate that for some people the posters listed expenses may be a problem, it’s always ok to say sorry you can’t attend.

Dramallamabanana · 23/03/2021 15:05

Count yourself lucky the hen do is only £250. I once paid £850 for a hen do 'weekend' which worked out as two nights but only one evening/day in our destination (arrived early evening Friday night and left at the crack of dawn on the Sunday morning). Never again!

irregularegular · 23/03/2021 15:09

The only thing I'd consider to be a bit off is the BM dress. I think that the bride should pay for that as it is her choice, and not something the BM is likely to wear again.

The hotel and train are just normal costs of attending a non-local wedding (is there not someone that could drive instead of all paying for the train) and nothing to do with being a bridesmaid.

£250 for the hen night/weekend. That depends. On the face of it, it seems a lot for one night. But if it includes food and drink etc then it may not be so bad. Whole weekends abroad seem quite common these days and this is presumably less than that. The amount will be no problem for some people, but an issue for others. I'd be fine with it provided it looked nice! Shouldn't the bridesmaids get their heads together and decide what they can afford and the bride will enjoy?

ChocOrange1 · 23/03/2021 15:13

Having to pay for your own drinks is one of my pets hate. It's chavvy at the extreme. If you can't afford hundred of guests, don't invite hundred of guests. Invite the ones you can afford to have!
I've never been to a wedding with a free bar. Half a bottle of wine PP on the table and a glass of champagne on arrival and another for the toast. That's about normal I would say.

Especially when it's a stately home, and they found the funds for expensive wedding invitations and a wedding photographer.
My wedding was at a golf course, with 6 guests. I made my own wedding invitations and a friend did the photos for half price. Does that mean it's OK for me to have a paid bar or is it still "chavvy".

Swipe left for the next trending thread