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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you give £ here? (wedding)!

90 replies

millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:41

My Maternal Aunt and her children (adults) all live in the USA. This has been the case since before I was born.

My aunt visits bi-annually and we talk a lot via msgs and are quite close.
I've not seen my cousins since I was about 16 (40 now), they don't visit here nor me there. When they were young they'd come on visits with my aunt but as they grew up naturally they didn't. When they did, when we were all still children, me and the youngest got on quite well.

I have him (6 years older than me) on fb but I hardly use it, so we seldom speak, I can't remember the last time we had a conversation via any platform.

Last time my Aunt visited (2018) she brought his daughter with her, lovely girl (18), first and only time I've met her.

Our lifestyles are quite different and I am not sure he'd approve of mine (I'm gay, they're very religious). If not for this I may have made more effort if I am honest.

Recently I received a card from the USA with cousins name as a return label-I was quite touched and thought how nice of him to write.

But, it is a card asking for money towards his daughter's wedding.
Is this cheeky? I am not sure how much if anything I should give-or if it will be a bone of contention if I don't. Is it perhaps the 'done thing' in certain more strict religions?

WWYD?
YABU-give some money, It's family
YANBU-they're being CFs, you hardly know them, don't!

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 22/03/2021 12:42

I wouldn’t give them anything no.
Cut your cape according to your cloth.

FightingTheFoo · 22/03/2021 12:44

This is bizarre. Are they asking for money in lieu of a gift or literally asking you to contribute to the cost of their wedding? In either case I'd ignore it tbh.

EL8888 · 22/03/2021 12:45

Haha no. I would give them nothing. This is grabby and poor manners. Who doesn’t invite someone to their wedding and barely knows them but asks for money?!

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:46

@FightingTheFoo

This is bizarre. Are they asking for money in lieu of a gift or literally asking you to contribute to the cost of their wedding? In either case I'd ignore it tbh.
Good point-I think it is instead of a gift. If I was GOING to the wedding I'd be fine with that-easier than wracking one's brains to pick something, but I'm not and I haven't ever met her husband and only met her once. And It's her Father asking, who I've not ever known as an adult.
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 22/03/2021 12:46

How bizarre, not to say cheeky.

If you can afford to send a bit, do so but say it is a wedding present. If it is put towards the wedding festivities, so be it.

However you don't have to send anything. I've never come across this sort of request before and am gobsmacked but maybe it isn't uncommon in some places and you are a relative, even if you haven't seen him for years. You speak about them with some affection.

I've not been in your position so do not know whether I would ignore or send, frankly. It seems such a strange thing to request.

CareBear50 · 22/03/2021 12:46

Could be s cultural difference between Uk and US.

Maybe a person from the states could shed some light on this

FuckyouCovid21 · 22/03/2021 12:46

Is it just a card asking for money or is it an invite too...although either way it's cheeky as fuck to ask for money for someone you barely know

MeanyJoany · 22/03/2021 12:47

I would 100% ignore it and ignore any future attempts of contact too, cheeky fuckers

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:47

@EL8888

Haha no. I would give them nothing. This is grabby and poor manners. Who doesn’t invite someone to their wedding and barely knows them but asks for money?!
They're saying It's to help them set up their first home.
OP posts:
EL8888 · 22/03/2021 12:47

@millionmilesaway they can save and work extra hours / get a 2nd job like l did Confused

EL8888 · 22/03/2021 12:48

@CareBear50 could well be but it’s still grim

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:48

@jessstan2

How bizarre, not to say cheeky.

If you can afford to send a bit, do so but say it is a wedding present. If it is put towards the wedding festivities, so be it.

However you don't have to send anything. I've never come across this sort of request before and am gobsmacked but maybe it isn't uncommon in some places and you are a relative, even if you haven't seen him for years. You speak about them with some affection.

I've not been in your position so do not know whether I would ignore or send, frankly. It seems such a strange thing to request.

I do, I do wish we lived closer as I only have a small family, and his daughter is an absolutely lovely girl (whose religion thinks I'm a sinner) Grin

Yes, if someone in the USA could reply that would be good!

OP posts:
M4J4 · 22/03/2021 12:48

YANBU, very cheeky. I've had this with friends before. Because they get married abroad (in their home country), they get annoyed that they're not getting presents from friends in the UK. Not making the connection that you cannot expect presents from people that aren't coming to your wedding! If they want to, fine, but you can't expect it!

Don't give anything, it will be come expected for all future weddings, birthdays etc.

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:49

[quote EL8888]@millionmilesaway they can save and work extra hours / get a 2nd job like l did Confused[/quote]
I don't believe either of them work. I could be wrong about the future husband though. I'll ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:49

(ask my aunt I mean)

OP posts:
Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:50

@M4J4

YANBU, very cheeky. I've had this with friends before. Because they get married abroad (in their home country), they get annoyed that they're not getting presents from friends in the UK. Not making the connection that you cannot expect presents from people that aren't coming to your wedding! If they want to, fine, but you can't expect it!

Don't give anything, it will be come expected for all future weddings, birthdays etc.

The whole family is much better off than me, if relevant. Good point about the future. I've never been married but may be in next year or so. Shall I ask the same of them Grin
OP posts:
EL8888 · 22/03/2021 12:50

@millionmilesaway this gets better and better! Well, maybe they just need to get jobs full stop and not expect others to subsidise their lifestyle

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 12:51

Er no. The family they see and have a relationship with can do that. You don't write out to every living relative and ask them to give your kid money to set up a home because she's marrying young so hasn't had time to save up. I appreciate she can't have sex until she's married so in general they'll marry earlier but then her parents should have made better provisions for this

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:51

[quote EL8888]@millionmilesaway this gets better and better! Well, maybe they just need to get jobs full stop and not expect others to subsidise their lifestyle[/quote]
I think their religion prevents her from working (to an extent). She's at university though.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 12:52

What religion are they that means she's not allowed to work?

Original poster
millionmilesaway · 22/03/2021 12:52

@SleepingStandingUp

What religion are they that means she's not allowed to work?
They're mormons LDS. I don't think it is 'forbidden' but not the done thing if you will (at least that's what my aunt has said).
OP posts:
katy1213 · 22/03/2021 12:54

Nice try! Why don't you send a card asking for contributions to your holiday/new boiler/new carpet or whatever is going on in your life?

Cadent · 22/03/2021 12:55

The whole family is much better off than me, if relevant. Good point about the future. I've never been married but may be in next year or so. Shall I ask the same of them grin

Judging by American wedding threads, any thing less than $500 will be ridiculed!

Don't di it, OP! They're guilt tripping you on account of the distance.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 12:56

Yeah no. If God has decreed she shouldn't work that doesn't stop him working. They can put the wedding off for a few years and save up.

katy1213 · 22/03/2021 12:57

But I wouldn't worry too much about how they'll set themselves up in a new home - surely God will provide!