Would you give £ here? (wedding)!

[millionmilesaway]

My Maternal Aunt and her children (adults) all live in the USA. This has been the case since before I was born.

My aunt visits bi-annually and we talk a lot via msgs and are quite close.
I've not seen my cousins since I was about 16 (40 now), they don't visit here nor me there. When they were young they'd come on visits with my aunt but as they grew up naturally they didn't. When they did, when we were all still children, me and the youngest got on quite well.

I have him (6 years older than me) on fb but I hardly use it, so we seldom speak, I can't remember the last time we had a conversation via any platform.

Last time my Aunt visited (2018) she brought his daughter with her, lovely girl (18), first and only time I've met her.

Our lifestyles are quite different and I am not sure he'd approve of mine (I'm gay, they're very religious). If not for this I may have made more effort if I am honest.

Recently I received a card from the USA with cousins name as a return label-I was quite touched and thought how nice of him to write.

But, it is a card asking for money towards his daughter's wedding.
Is this cheeky? I am not sure how much if anything I should give-or if it will be a bone of contention if I don't. Is it perhaps the 'done thing' in certain more strict religions?

WWYD?
YABU-give some money, It's family
YANBU-they're being CFs, you hardly know them, don't!

Well that's your problem solved, they wouldn't want the wedding paid for by money earned by a woman!

She can't earn her own money but can spend yours.... Hypocrisy at its finest!

OP, has your mum passed away and you feel an obligation to her memory? It seems that you must be feeling something in the guilt / responsibility arena, else you wouldn't even have stopped to think about it.

@Love51 exceptionally good point. They can’t have it both ways (but seem to want to)

@Cadent

The whole family is much better off than me, if relevant. Good point about the future. I've never been married but may be in next year or so. Shall I ask the same of them grin

Judging by American wedding threads, any thing less than $500 will be ridiculed!

Don't di it, OP! They're guilt tripping you on account of the distance.

Oh really? I just haven't got that! If I were a guest at a (UK) wedding I'd stick £20-£40 in a card!

Love no my Mum is still here (and well enough/close enough to her Sister to probably contribute quite a lot) I've not actually discussed this with her yet.

I didn't think of that! (money earned by a female) Maybe as a mere mortal I am allowed to work

katy Yes! I may reply and say that of course I won't

@SleepingStandingUp

Er no. The family they see and have a relationship with can do that. You don't write out to every living relative and ask them to give your kid money to set up a home because she's marrying young so hasn't had time to save up. I appreciate she can't have sex until she's married so in general they'll marry earlier but then her parents should have made better provisions for this

I suspect this is exactly why they're getting married

@katy1213

Nice try! Why don't you send a card asking for contributions to your holiday/new boiler/new carpet or whatever is going on in your life?

True!I recently bought a house-maybe they owe me for that

You know op, that set up sounds familiar. I think you might be my long lost aunt!

Can I have £500?

I went to a family wedding in the USA.
The relative who moved there from here did warn us that it is the "done thing" to give cash gifts in lieu of gifts. But also made it quite clear we didn't have to!

Was there a poem?

Pah! I'd be putting the card straight in the bin.

Dear cousin

What wonderful news that X is getting married and so young too.

I can't contribute at the moment I'm afraid as I'm saving up to marry my girlfriend so if you have a bit of spare cash you can send our way once X is married that would be wonderful. Weddings are so expensive aren't they?

Wishing x very much happiness in her married life.

Millionmilesaway

Personally, I would be inclined to put the embarrassment back in his corner. Send a congratulatory card and letter wishing future happiness for the young couple, expressing how you understand how excited they must be to be setting up their first home together. You of all people understand how expensive this can be since you yourself have only just bought your first place, as a single person and have to work hard hard to meet your own financial commitments. Apologise that sadly you are not in a position to help out financially and hope they understand. But you wish them well.

It is a horrible position to be put in and I don’t envy you, but really, don’t overthink it. You are under no obligation to contribute.

What on earth? I'd bin it. That is so rude of him!

@jessstan2

How bizarre, not to say cheeky.

If you can afford to send a bit, do so but say it is a wedding present. If it is put towards the wedding festivities, so be it.

However you don't have to send anything. I've never come across this sort of request before and am gobsmacked but maybe it isn't uncommon in some places and you are a relative, even if you haven't seen him for years. You speak about them with some affection.

I've not been in your position so do not know whether I would ignore or send, frankly. It seems such a strange thing to request.

Why? Why would you send something if you can afford it? Because they’ve asked?

I would consider this request spam and totally ignore it, like one does with spam.

Rude!

I would have a slightly more indulgent view if you had been invited to the wedding but it seems you haven't. Asking for money is a bit crass and asking for money to pay towards the wedding (to which you aren't invited) is extremely crass.

I would just quietly ignore it.

Send her a nice religious tract in a frame to hang on her wall. Something along the lines of ‘don’t judge others and cease all cheeky fuckery.’

Just send $50. As LDS' don't live together before marriage, they have nothing so it really is to set up home and very common.

(or as they're not allowed sex before marriage, Sex for Beginners book....)

Just send them a really lovely wedding card wishing them every happiness and good luck in their life together

@MatildaTheCat

Send her a nice religious tract in a frame to hang on her wall. Something along the lines of ‘don’t judge others and cease all cheeky fuckery.’

This is a good idea. Loads of quotes on marriage. And some are pretty acceptable..., ldsquotations.com/topic/marriage/

American here. And really confused, to be honest! What exactly does the card say??

An invite to the wedding, with reference to preference for cash over a gift, isn't abnormal.

But equally, if you're not going to the wedding and not very close with them - it would be perfectly acceptable to send a congratulations card and that's it.

I've never been married but may be in next year or so. Shall I ask the same of them

Just send a reply saying “such a coincidence, I will be getting married shortly, shall we just save posting funds back and forth and call it quits?”

Cheeky twats.

I'd be tempted to write to him saying "I have been gay at my gay job and have earned some gay money. How many gay dollars would your daughter like?"

You'll certainly never hear from him again