Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

FIL had said he would be happy to look around for a small house to buy but SIL told him it would just be easier this way (as in the cabin idea)

Well she was completely incorrect, wasn't she?

There is no way in hell that buying a property outright is harder than getting another person to find and buy a property with specific requirements (room for a cabin build), simultaneously selling theirs, moving a family, getting planning permission for and building a new property in the garden, all the while needing somewhere to live.

So she presented this as 'just easier' and your FIL believed it?

She said she and her partner had suggested the house-share / cabin arrangement to him as her partner thought it would be less stressful for FIL.

Translation:

Partner hates his FIL guts, and would be seething if he had to share his house with him and see him more than infrequently, but is happy to have him as his pay pig to enable getting a bigger house a reality, so shoving him off to the bottom of the garden is a compromise he's willing to live with.

Again, you need to have a grown up conversation with your FIL.

I think now the gloves are off I think your DH should just text his sister to say that he is not happy with the cabin/garden plan and that he will be encouraging his dad to buy a own place that he owns outright to allow him more flexibility in the future. While she is already angry it is best to clearly define the situation. Your FIL is unlikely to have too much of a go at DH if he is coming to live with you he won’t want to burn his bridges with his son.

She's slammed the phone down because she's been rumbled. As hard as it is I would retract your offer of housing him. If she's got this all figured out, she should have no worries accommodating him. Your house isn't big enough but they are all happy for you and DH to do it so they can do it now.

@ThornAmongstRoses

He and SIL have had a massive row. He accused her of knowing exactly what she was doing and manipulating FIL etc and it ended up with her slamming the phone down on him.

Well she was hardly going to end it with ' nice to talk to you, thanks for calling' after what he'd just said to her!

Poor FIL piggy in the middle between 2 warring children who both want his money.

I think that you should seriously encourage FIL to rent a property in Skegness for the next 6 months or so and to put all plans on hold until the end of that time. That will give him the chance to see whether or not life in Skegness really does suit him or not. He may not have really given much thought to what it will be like to both stop working (where his friends are) and move to somewhere that he knows no one except SIL and her OH who will both be working for most of the time.

It gets you off the hook for having him live with you and gives him time to decide if it is really the right thing to do or not before he makes a costly mistake one way or another.

@CombatBarbie

She's slammed the phone down because she's been rumbled. As hard as it is I would retract your offer of housing him. If she's got this all figured out, she should have no worries accommodating him. Your house isn't big enough but they are all happy for you and DH to do it so they can do it now.

Or she’s offended by the suggestion .

I don’t think texting to say you’re encouraging to buy his own place, but I don’t think actually encouraging him is a bad idea. In fact I think it’s an excellent one. The cabin in the garden is a stupid one, unless he can’t buy a property close to her.

Posted too soon. Meant to say that he will no doubt complain that renting is a waste of money but it will buy you (and him) peace of mind and is therefore priceless.

@Londonmummy66

Posted too soon. Meant to say that he will no doubt complain that renting is a waste of money but it will buy you (and him) peace of mind and is therefore priceless.

Also if he’s buying the timeline is more secure.

FIL is hardly the innocent lamb some posters are making him out to be.
He’s only 65 and has proven really good at deliberately hiding life-changing decisions from his son and daughter-in-law before springing the done deal on them...

@MindGrapes

FIL had said he would be happy to look around for a small house to buy but SIL told him it would just be easier this way (as in the cabin idea)

Well she was completely incorrect, wasn't she?

There is no way in hell that buying a property outright is harder than getting another person to find and buy a property with specific requirements (room for a cabin build), simultaneously selling theirs, moving a family, getting planning permission for and building a new property in the garden, all the while needing somewhere to live.

So she presented this as 'just easier' and your FIL believed it?

I don't mean to sound rude but the FIL doesn't sound the sharpest to be honest.

You can also buy some really cheap properties in Skegness. I’ve no idea about location, but I think with the money he has, he can easily have his own place.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/84184303#/

He sounds both clueless and cagey about the move, which is not a good combination

[quote Bluntness100]You can also buy some really cheap properties in Skegness. I’ve no idea about location, but I think with the money he has, he can easily have his own place.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/84184303#/[/quote]
He can afford better than that. He’s got twice as much money as the asking price for that.

OP I feel relieved for you that at last your DH is trying to sort it out before anything irrevocable has happened. I appreciate that it must be horrendous for you with your DH rowing with his sister and then his Dad moving in with you for a indeterminate length of time in the midst of all the tension. At least now hopefully your FIL won’t end up stuck in a cabin in Skegness with no real money and your SIL’s partner being horrible to him. If your DH can support his dad to sort out his living situation in a way that safeguards his future rather than jeopardises it then I think it will feel much more comfortable having him move in because you will have much clearer idea of his timeline for moving out and his future security.

My DH is angry because he knows SIL’s partner doesn’t like FIL, so of course he wouldn’t be remotely interested in doing something that apparently makes FIL’s life “easier” unless it somehow benefitted him too.

@Bluntness100 I'd love to believe that the SIL is the perfect daughter that just wants the best for her dad but the fact she rarely sees him as it is, and her partner doesn't like him, I'm gonna hedge a bet that this is all about a bigger house and money.

Okay. The row is really unfortunate, and a huge mistake on your DH's part. It's going to be hard to have a calm and logical conversation with FIL now. She'll have called him, warned him, made all sorts of accusations about your DH (probably including the inheritance word) and now it's going to be impossible to talk objectively about the issue.

If you do talk to him tonight, it's going to have to be calmly and without even a hint of blame attached to his DD. Because having decided to live with her, he's not going to take that from you or your DH.

So my situation is slightly different but to do with inheritance and unfair dispersal (?) of monies. My brother was left 70%of my mums estate (no discussion so bit of a shock) and my sisters and I split the 30%. It has caused untold damage, from one sister believing adamantly that my brother manipulated my mother in to doing so, to another refusing to speak to my brother and nearly contesting will. All this could have been avoided if someone had sat down with my mother and talked to her about her decisions (had we know about it). At least then we could have understood why she choose to do this and her reasoning behind it, other that the fact he was probably her favourite. I would strongly suggest chatting to all parties involved. How this will play out later on, when he will definitely need care etc. Best to be honest and open now than just guessing
Motives and fearing the worst. It eats away at you.

FIL has been on the phone and said he won’t come over for dinner but will instead come over once the children are in bed as it’s clear there are things that need discussing (his words).

The only people this 'solution' is easier for is your SIL & her partner
FIL should get a smaller independent place near them at the coast, and one near you, if at all possible. Anything else is not in the best interest of your FIL.
SIL knows the idea is a crock, otherwise zero need for secrecy.

@saraclara - predicted right there, there's going to be an atmosphere!

I hope you manage to have level headed discussions OP.

Doesn't sound good.

I think you/DH have read the situation correctly about the SIL’s partner the question is whether the sister has just been naive and thought it would be great to have her dad nearby and not realised she is being manipulated by her partner, or if she has had some more contrived element of her thinking that has just been focused on getting herself a bigger house. She is still fairly young at 26 and was only 22 when she lost her mum and also has two small children, she might be easily led by a more dominant partner.

Ok, so now your husband has to come from the position that he fully supports a move if that's what his dad wants, he can see why he wants to develop his relationship with his dd, etc but in doing so he really must safeguard his position if it doesn't work out for any of the number of reasons discussed on this thread.
Make sure that it comes from a position of concern. If fil starts getting annoyed or defensive then dh needs to hold up his hands and say pleasantly " ok dad it's totally up to you, but please hear us out and consider what we are saying. Go and talk to a lawyer to help you do it, if that's what you really want to do. Just don't do it all blindfolded. Think about it please and do it so you don't end up with no choices in the future"

It maybe that he won't concede you are right tonight, but maybe when he has a chance to think about it later, the sense of it might begin to filter through. Don't let dh become angry and it erupt into a row. That will defeat the purpose and further entrench fil into this mad decision. You've got to remember that he loves his daughter and there will be all sorts of emotions tied up in this stupid decision.