Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

Here is another thought. What if SIL dies ? House goes to DP and he remarried someone else

Don’t think they would want FIL living in the garden and he would not have a leg to stand on

You can't buy and sell a living relationship.

FIL has worked out a perfect solution for his own life circumstances How dare you question how he adapts his assets and finances to suit himself?

DH should be very happy that when he (FIL) needs it, his father will be assured of full time care and support from family close at hand. That emotional and practical security for FIL (and you and DH) is priceless.

I agree with Puggy it leaves him with no options at all. What if the Son in law becomes even nastier, bullying etc ? What if they still rarely see him unless they need something, and he is lonely and unhappy ? He will literally be stuck there until he dies or goes into care, and that could be easily two decades away ! I wonder if SIL has made him feel guilty that he has spent so much time with your dc ?

Your fil is the important person here and it's up to him to be fair to both his children while feeling free to plan for his own future care as he wishes. The current scenario doesn't seem fair to your husband in the long run financially given what he was previously led to believe and you're both understandably upset about being blindsided by a recent change of plan. Your sil may sees the money promised to her as compensation for a guarantee of care for as long as her father lives and it's typically women who take on this role towards elderly parents. Not sure legally this is sound though. Perhaps your husband could ask him to gift the money for uni fees....that's common enough practice in families. And try to talk to his father calmly about why he's now decided to do what he's doing now without pressuring him to change his plans.

Is there any reason to think that he has been coerced into this?

I mean if this really is what he wants to do, then I think that he's got a bloody cheek expecting to live with you for as long as it takes & I'd be tempted to tell him!

It certainly seems to be a way of tying up his money so that it can't go on care fees if necessary.

It's a hard blow when money goes on care fees, but why should someone have literally given away a house & then expect others to pick up their care home fees/living costs?

I suggest that, if he can, to pull out of the sale and then rent his house out while he thinks his option through. Perhaps rent 50% of the time in Skegness near the SIL and 50% stay with you guys.

Then he can decide if he really wants to go there full time and iron out the legalities. This should not be an issue for the SIL and her partner if they have his best intentions at heart.

I think your husband needs to speak to your SIL and get he on board with that.

The fact my FIL sold his house for a low price, only five days since it went on the market, and before SIL had even started her new job makes me think SIL had asked for the money or said she needed money quickly. Why else the rush?

I wonder if your DH has spoken directly to your SIL - how aware is she of this plan, of the house having sold and for a possibly lower price than could have been obtained - what timescale was she thinking - is there something more going on that explains all this rush and has she thought though all legal implications as PP who'd done something simlar found there were issues they hadn't thought of.

Something about your last few posts has made me wonder if SIL has mooted a long term more vauge plan- and FIL has jumped the gun and just doesn't want to live by himself.

Though it's perfectly possible that the SIL is badbly badly and is the villian here or she has some situation - easiest way to find out is for your DH to ring and ask and also talk to your FIL about your concerns.

There is no assurance at all of full time care. Sil may not want to care for him and her husband doesn’t like him, so him being in their garden could be absolutely horrible for him. As she only sees him twice a year she might find having him there all the time annoying, there are no guarantees that he will be cared for. His daughter could die before him for a start, what would happen then ? He would be stuck with nasty son in law.

A shocking thought process going on,from your side of the fence. Yes, Inheritances can cause some people to get annoyed and upset. I have seen this many times, even in my own family years ago..

‘... it just hurts that SIL is ultimately benefiting from it very well.’

Yet the forecast is that SIL will be providing care for her father.

Has your DH discussed with his father who is going to look after him when he ages? Maybe he did so with his daughter & realised that he’d prefer to have her care for him & is making arrangements. Choosing between his son ( not you) or his daughter providing his care, he chose her.

If may be that FIL has no specific preferences between his son or daughter. It may be a matter of timing that FIL explored this subject with his daughter & got the assurances he needed to make this move. Maybe he likes Skegness?

What's to stop SIL and her DH selling their house plus the cabin-annexe at any time in the future and effectively rendering FIL homeless?

I think the fact that he has organised all this and told your DH as a fait accompli is what is causing alarm bells. It is his money to spend, of course, but he does need ensure he has taken good advice on this. Your SIL may be agreeing to care for him and he is making plans for this. It would be better than a care home if it works. In reality if he needs care your DH wouldnt be getting half the current value of his estate anyway. His assets will get eaten away by the cost of care.

FIL alternatively could buy a 1 bed bungalow in Skegness near his dd and use the rest of his money to buy in any help he might need.

@LittleDoritt

Never ever bank on an expected inheritance. I know enough people who have had their lives work and savings swallowed up by care home fees to know this.

It's not your DH's money, it's his fathers, to spend as he wishes.

Wise words. When FIL died MIL had assets of about £1m. She is now in a care home that costs about seventy thousand a year. It's not even a posh care home. It's very nice but far from the grandest in our area. That 1m won't last long at that rate.

Your DH does need to speak to him. Ask him why he has hidden this plan from him? Explain that he feels hurt. I know he doesn't want to upset FIL. But FIL has upset him.

What does FIL say about how he think it will work living with a SIL who doesn't like him and treats him badly?

@ThornAmongstRoses

I had suggested to DH that maybe we could advise FIL to rent up in Skegness whilst waiting for the Cabin to be built, but FIL has said he doesn’t want to waste money renting which is why he’s asked if we can put him up.

This isn’t about what he wants. He is not welcome in your house, he needs to make other arrangements.

It’s his money and life and he can decide he wants to do this- but he can’t decide he’s going to move in with you to preserve your sil’s inheretance. I would not stand for that.

I think given how your dh feels about his sister this will not end well so I think the priority had to be protecting his father from any upset and potential taking advantage of rather then worrying about her and her partners intentions.

If this is genuinely about the FiL well being, and not about how your dh isn't getting the six figures he was expecting, then this is very easy to sort out.

FIL has said he doesn’t want to waste money renting which is why he’s asked if we can put him up

I don't suppose he does, but he could risk a hell of a lot more under the current plans ... it might almost be said you'd be doing him a favour by finding a reason staying with you won't work

BTW did you say whose name the house SIL/partner live in is in ...?

can't see this going ahead tbh, sil will get the money and the house, there is then no incentive to build a cabin for your fil, could be a legal nightmare financally. sounds like sil is doing him up like a kipper.

OP look after yourself and your Dh. Tbh you have all been well and truly shafted . Did you know that once the money has been given to her that it is now hers. She doesn't have to buy or do anything with it for your FIL .

FIL has said he doesn’t want to waste money renting which is why he’s asked if we can put him up

Less a waste more a trial run - it's hard to gauge how an area is to live in even with visits.

@funnelfanjo

What's to stop SIL and her DH selling their house plus the cabin-annexe at any time in the future and effectively rendering FIL homeless?

this would be something that would worry me.

All the concern that you or DH might have, or the advice or warnings you could impart to FiL are complicated by the fact that you, very naturally and inescapably, have a vested interest here. And what you / DH has to say may well be interpreted as such.

There are 2 issues - 1. what is a good and well thought through way forward for your FiL.

1. How his way forward affects finances, present and future, which is also inescapably attached to a sense of fairness or equal love/consideration/respect for his children.

You can't really cleanly advise on the first point because you are so deeply embroiled on the 2nd point.

And I know the rest of thread has couched the concerns in terms of the 1st point, but really the starting point was the first - that is the subject of the thread - inheritance issues causing massive family tension.

(And I don't particularly mean that critically, I think it's quite natural to feel a sense of injustice at times like these, but, as everyone has pointed out - it is up to your FiL what he wants to do- it's his money, end of.)

So, if you're concerned he is making a poor decision I think you can't hammer it home too much yourselves - you should perhaps express some mild concern and suggest that he speaks to other close friends and family members, and take legal advice as need be to make sure he has thought through his decisions as carefully as possible for his future.

Honestly, you all seem a bit naive.

Firstly, you're upset about the wrong thing. You are not going to lose the relationship with him because he'll be back before you know it. Minus any of the money. A cabin on land that he doesn't own and has no right to. He'll be kicked out of it soon enough and be living rent free in your playroom.

You were monumentally stupid not to take the £25k. That £25k will go to the sister and you'll have to get a loan for £25k to extend your house once it becomes clear that he'll be living in your house for 6 months plus every year.

I dont' really get it. You write as if you all have this wonderful relationship but then there's no honesty or trust on either side. If he's such a a wonderful man then why is your DH's relationship with him so bad? And yes it is bad.