Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I have a different perspective on this. My elderly grandfather moved in with us and paid for an annexe at around 40k. We were happy to have him as he couldn't manage on his own. Sadly he had a fall about a year later and then needed constant care which I did my best to provide. However he passed away a couple of years later leaving us with an annexe which the council charged us council tax for and we couldn't do much with and actually did not add that much value to our property (which we don't want to sell anyway as kids are all in local schools). We cannot sell or rent the annexe and can't air bnb it as we have a badly behaved dog and normally behaved nosey children. We had expected Grandad to be around years and even had our garden done to make it level for him. We would do it again because he was my grandad but we won't really benefit financially and caring for him nearly broke me emotionally!

If I was you I'd be working on him to massively chane his plans. This won't end well, not to mention the fact that living in a cabin during the winter won't be much fun. There are loads of coastal retirement communities which would benefit him a lot more........the one near us is amazing. Te residents have even set up their own shop for the residents. They volunteer there on a rota and it keep prices low as well as keeping them busy and socialising.

Alternatively, he could officially live with you but buy a static on Skegness Sands overlooking the sea. It only closes for 8 weeks a year in January and February. £40 - £45k would get him a beautiful van on there

My biggest fear is that FIL is going to hand this £90k over to SIL and then no other part of the plan will materialise

I think you’re starting to effectively accuse the sister of theft, of attempting to defraud her father. And there is no evidence to suggest this is the case. They are all happy with the arrangement. Your husband and by default you, don’t even know the sister anymore, there’s no relationship. But the father is happy with this. The issue here seems to be you and your husband, and I’m sorry but it really does seem to be primarily about money for you.

The father has made his decision, it’s not your place to have fears about how he spends his money. Unless you feel he lacks capability then he’s an adult who is capable of managing his own money, making his own decisions and knows his own child.

There are also bungalows in skeggy for under 130 k. It's a popular retirement community..... Tho unfortunately I have a feeling if sil won't be getting her 90k she won't be as interested in seeing her dad. 🙄

It is a weird and not at all sensible thing to do, so I wonder why he is doing it ? Has his dd put the pressure on him to have a new start ? Has she said that otherwise she couldn’t afford this new house ? As her Dh is so horrible I would worry that this was his idea. Your FIl won’t be able to sell the cabin, so could end up in a less than ideal care home in 15 years, leaving nothing to his grandchildren by his son, while his daughter has a house that will have increased in value, even though the cabin might have depreciated as they need a lot of maintenance.
I think the only thing to do is to sit down with him and talk it through. He has stated clearly that he wants to leave equal shares to to his children so I don’t think it is unreasonable to talk about it. He may not have thought about how one set of grandchildren will be left so much better off than the other, and that the hurt could go on down the generations.
I know my own parents very much wanted to pass something down to their dc and dgc, and it was done completely fairly and equally between sibling and I. Surely most people want to leave something if possible, to carry on helping their children and grandchildren, after they are gone ? If that is what they want then splitting it unequally can be disastrous, leaving pain and resentment that is to do with feeling less loved. I completely understand why your DH would feel very wounded by this.

I really think that a chat is the only way to get to understand why he is doing this very reckless thing. He could end up miserable yet totally stuck. If he bought a flat or bungalow and it didn’t work out then he could move back. I also think that him suggesting this to SIL would be very telling. As if she cares for his welfare and wants him nearby then she will be all for it. If she just wants a bigger house and investment then she will be angry.

It’s all such a mess.

Every Monday FIL picks my youngest son up from school and they go for a little walk and visit the local park so I will be seeing him later so I could perhaps talk to him then. Mind you, it’s probably best I speak to my husband about it first.

Apparently it’s not long until my SIL gets her promotion. She works in a clothing store and is getting moved up to Managerial Level so I’m assuming that as she’s already working there it will be a quick process.

I have to admit I'm very curious as to what these cabins are like to cost the price of a house!

(Area dependent obviously)

You and your DH need to persuade him to look at this from a legal side of things and not a 'everything will be fine' angle. He needs to see a solicitor and have him name legally tied to the property/cabin bought. The obvious thing here is the sister's lack of visits, her partner's behaviour towards her Dad and that he can't go there and play happy families beforehand if it is all going to go so well. What if there is a falling out? Will they shun him/refuse to help? Ask him to move out? Does he expect her to care for him, to save money (as he has invested in the property), or will she expect him to pay for carers to come in? Then they may also persuade him not to tie his name to the property as if he does not to go into a home, what happens then as he has assets that would be needed to pay for the care?

It really is his money to spend. Agree legal advice required on his investment in log cabin but if he's happy to gift your SIL 90k towards a plot large enough to accommodate him that's his choice. They need to work out a split of the bills legally too.

Retirement by the sea sounds nice. Will the cabin be large enough that you and you kids can visit?Could be nice for them to see their Grandad and their cousins more as they grow up and visit the coast.

I can see why your DH is hurt - but it sounds like other than your family there's not enough to keep him local now he's retiring. He's young enough to make new friends once he gets to Skegness.

If you were SIL what advice would you give - My FIL would like to move to live with us by the sea now he's retiring. Our current house isn't big enough but he's willing to put money in from his housesale so that we can move into a house with garden big enough to fit his new annexe in. We can't wait for him to spend more time with our DC, he's barely seen them since lockdown and they never got to meet my Mum as she died before they were born so it's going to be really special they get time with their Grandad. Just one fly in the ointment is that my brother and SIL think that half the money from Dad's housesale should go to them and they think we are trying to fleece them and my Dad.

Tbh Op. I wouldn’t allow FIL to stay with you.
He managed to sell a whole house right under your nose and now expects to stay with you indefinitely. It just wouldn’t be me

If he is still living in his house, he has not exchanged
He can back out

You can still be living in your house when contracts have been exchanged. It is only on completion you have to get out.

I would act PDQ to explain the problems of what he is being talked into.

This isn’t about inheritance it is about him potentially being left homeless
How realistic is it for him to spend the next 30 years living in someone else’s house that he doesn’t even like.
Has he thought this through for everyone’s sake. If he doesn’t like it will he be able to get his dd and sil to move or buy him out?

The whole thing even without the inheritance situation has disaster written all over it.

Why doesn’t he rent somewhere near to the coast to see if he actually likes living in Skegness for a year or two. It is going to take that long to find somewhere and get pp to build an annex and to get the place built.

What happens if they buy somewhere that they then find they can’t build an annexe.

Is his name going on the deeds of this new property or is he in effect handing over £90,000 to his daughter to buy a house with no guarantee he could move in with them.

I would ask him to go with you to see a solicitor on the pretence that they might look at things impartially and be able to draw up agreements that will cover all parties in the event of BIL and Sil getting a divorce or the already strained relationship between him and his sil breaking down.
I think he needs to also look at himself. If he is only 65 he could be around for years and needs to stop thinking of himself as elderly and infirm.

A garden annexe will never be worth the same as a small house, and he may not legally be allowed to live there all year round anyway, so is he planning on living with you for part of the year ?

The whole things sounds so ill thought through, that I wonder what has been said to him ? He is only 65, not elderly, so why would he want a granny annexe now ? Why not his own place ?

You have a window here I know it has to come from your DH but you are writing as if it is a done deal and it’s not, but if you let your DH and FIL sleepwalk into it it will be a disaster. You are moving and storing stuff from his house you are intimately involved in the practical issues of facilitating this. Your husband needs to speak to his dad now, He has sold his house, the total sum of his life’s work at a reduced price within 5 days to please his daughter he strikes me as someone who feels much more unsettled and uncertain about his future than he is letting on.

"If you were SIL what advice would you give"

Well I'd be tempted to say that with the money he has available, buy a property where he wants to be.

There's no need for him to live in the garden.

Unless he thinks that they'll all be living as one big happy family & he'll spend most of his time with them?

Why doesn’t he rent somewhere near to the coast to see if he actually likes living in Skegness for a year or two. It is going to take that long to find somewhere and get pp to build an annex and to get the place built

This sounds like the best suggestion for all parties involved.

What if SIL and BIL want to move? What happens to the lodge and FIL?

I had suggested to DH that maybe we could advise FIL to rent up in Skegness whilst waiting for the Cabin to be built, but FIL has said he doesn’t want to waste money renting which is why he’s asked if we can put him up.

Were the FIL to go into an independent living complex or residential care, then there may not be much left by the time he dies.

I have seen too many families spending their ‘inheritance’ to find that once the nitty gritty of care for dependents kick in, that money runs out very quickly to the points where applications for council funding is required.

£25k now & loads of goodwill on all sides is worth far more than your OH realises.

he can drop out of his house sale, if he hasn't exchanged. Another worry is it sold for less than similar houses. I wouldn't worry about rocking the boat with your sil, there's no relationship anyway.I think you need to put your cards on the table with FIL, he'll thank you for it later.

Oh gosh this has moved on.

65 is no age at all and this plan will seriously limit his options.

Your DH needs to sit down with his dad and discuss all of this with him and insist he takes legal advice - that ensures DH does not become the bad guy here.

I imagine the first thing his dad will say is 'I know......' and probably be thankful of the support.

All those secret conversations with SIL...... who's idea was it to not tell DH? If your FIL visits as regularly as he has, the stress of keeping this from you has probably already affected him.

It's quite frightening really.

Unless he thinks that they'll all be living as one big happy family & he'll spend most of his time with them?

I think he knows that’s not the case. Both SIL and her partner work full time so FIL will spend a lot of time on his own. Plus I Know he won’t feel comfortable being around SIL’s partner for any long period of time.

The style of the Cabin he’s looking at has a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, a double bedroom, a twin bedroom and a bathroom. So I imagine he’s buying it with the idea that he will spend a lot of time in it.

I have not read everything but one point , if DSIL & DBIL are not married - in whose name will the house be in he is putting money towards. ? As well as buying a house before getting pp. & as pp s have said - in the future having money to release for care if needed.

If he has 90 odd k plus then buy a tiny house / bungalow / flat near to them. Or indeed near to you if affordable.

Just one more example of how he needs some proper legal advice I think .

I am sure a family set up sounds lovely & for some I am sure it works - but really really needs thinking through. This isn't Downton with a Dowager House.

If he's happy to live in a cabin, the idea to buy on a site is a great idea then he'll have a community too.

There are loads of bungalows for sale in Skegness in the £200k price bracket maybe your DH needs to say that Skegness sounds great but that your dad needs his own place on his own land. If that pisses the SIL off then that tells you everything you need to know.