Was mum U for telling DS(7) that her young neighbour went to heaven.

[dontsaveusername]

They have a photo taken about 9 years ago of her NdN who was around 39 at the time, with her two young boys. All round about my age and my boys. DS brought the photo to DM and asked if it was me, as we recently showed him of photos of himself as a baby and he didn't recognise me.

DM said no, it was the lady next door and she went to Heaven. DS looked very sad and asked if she had died. DM and I were mortified and blundered around saying it was a long time ago and the boys were grown ups now. For info. NDN died of cancer and her boys were still quite young. DM feels awful and I am annoyed with her. We are worried he is silently worried I might die. Should I say something or just let it go. He is like an elephant and never forgets anything. Am I just worrying over nothing.

@Erkrie

Tell him one day people go to sleep and don’t wake up again because their body is broken or something

Don't tell kids this. It causes children fears of going to sleep. Easy mistake to make but very damaging. There's plenty of good books out there to explain the concept of death to children.
Waterbugs and dragonflies is a gentle book that is often used for bereaved children.

Ok but honestly why are parents so neurotic about the minutiae of what they say to kids these days?

Nobody ever tiptoed around me like that, and I don’t have a fear of dying, strange phobias etc

@Wondermule not wanting to tell kids the one (not true) idea that people go to sleep and don't wake up one day is not neurotic.

Should have added, never use euphemisms, particularly ‘gone to sleep’/‘sleeping’. That’s utterly terrifying for kids as they then think it could happen to them generally if they or anyone else goes to sleep. Don’t use ‘lost’ or ‘passed’, use ‘dead’.

I don’t want to be harsh OP - but you need to parent and explain ... death is just part of life.

‘Mortified’ is way ott. Best reaction would be to have taken the opportunity to discuss death with your DS if it worried you so much. When I read posts like this I wonder how parents manage to get through parenting on a daily basis with such inappropriate reactions to everyday stuff.

[quote RootyT00t]@Wondermule not wanting to tell kids the one (not true) idea that people go to sleep and don't wake up one day is not neurotic.[/quote]
Sounds neurotic to me. Death is like going to sleep and not waking up. How else do you explain how ones consciousness fails to exist to a small child? I’m convinced all this obsessing over cushioning kids from every ill in life is actually causing them to be anxious, as they don’t build up resiliences bit by bit - they’re totally sheltered and then BOOM they realise the world can be quite scary.

Death is a difficult concept but it happens and children will become aware of this one way or another. It's better to take charge of the conversation and let them ask questions.

I'm currently pregnant and, if all goes well, I will have a little one this summer. From the very start, we will be talking to him about his late older brother and, when he is old enough, answering questions about what happened to him. From other babyloss mothers, I've heard that the conversations will be very daunting for me but that my child will take it in stride. I think children often surprise us with their ability to process these things.

I agree with PP that it is neurotic IF you are not explaining the lead up to death. I.e. the person was very unwell and eventually she died peacefully in her sleep. Rather than saying nothing other than "they died in their sleep" which can be terrifying to a child who doesn't understand death yet.

Sounds neurotic to me. Death is like going to sleep and not waking up. How else do you explain how ones consciousness fails to exist to a small child?

It might well be like that, but going to sleep and dying are not the same things. And as people generally sleep everyday, planting the idea in a child's head that they may die when they fall asleep is going to cause massive anxiety. You might not agree with that, but really I post here for the other people who read and don't respond, who may actually understand why it's a bad idea to explain death in this way to a child.

That was in reply to wondermule

Deathislike going to sleep and not waking up.

Do you really not get how that sounds to a child, especially one who may take things literally? It just sounds like anyone can just fall asleep one day any never wake up- you know sleep, that things we all need to do? Sleep is rest, death is stopping.

If it's explained clearly from a young enough age, there's no need to 'build up resistance' to anything! If anything, instilling untrue belief systems to 'soften the blow' of anything is what's making children (and adults) worse - the need to live in a 'nicer world' of fairytales and made up stories that make them 'feel better' leads to people who simply cannot deal with fact when it's very clearly presented to them. Too many are now reliant on fake narratives and ideas to get them through life.

Your child will have questions, if you don't answer them or give the impression that it should not be talked about he will find the answers somewhere else, probably amongst his friends at school who might have all sorts of misconceptions and could worry him even more.

Dd once asked 'You know when people die and go to Devon...' glad we caught that misconception before she started school. Also consider that it might be worth introducing puberty at some point as that will come up in the playground soon.

Sorry I think YABU. At 7 you can have a simple conversation with a child about the fact that people die. I have chatted this through with my 5 year old in a gentle way because he wanted to know why he didn't have a grandad. He is not scarred from knowing this.

I always say to DS that we were all sad, but he'd had a good life and he had really loved DS when he was a baby.

I think it was unnecessary on this particular occasion for your mum to mention the lady had died. And I'm sick of this passed away, passed on.

My small DS asked me why people died. I told him they died either because they were very old, or very ill, or if they had a very bad accident.

He then asked whether his grandparents were "very old" and I assured them that they weren't (60s at the time)

*assured him

I don’t think you’re doing your son any favours by trying to shield him, death is a part of life. He will see bereaved children on the tv, there will be kids at school who have lost parents, siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts. Teach him to appreciate those around him

@BrumBoo

Deathislike going to sleep and not waking up.

Do you really not get how that sounds to a child, especially one who may take things literally? It just sounds like anyone can just fall asleep one day any never wake up- you know sleep, that things we all need to do? Sleep is rest, death is stopping.

If it's explained clearly from a young enough age, there's no need to 'build up resistance' to anything! If anything, instilling untrue belief systems to 'soften the blow' of anything is what's making children (and adults) worse - the need to live in a 'nicer world' of fairytales and made up stories that make them 'feel better' leads to people who simply cannot deal with fact when it's very clearly presented to them. Too many are now reliant on fake narratives and ideas to get them through life.

Hence why I said to insert ‘because their body is broken’.

It’s bizarre the way in which every conversation with your child on MN is expected to be to the level of a psychiatrist or something.

I thought you were going to say that you were cross she referenced heaven because you are atheist. It would have been better for her simply to say 'she died' (and I say that as a Christian) but otherwise I can't see the issue. A seven-year-old should be able to grasp that sometimes parents die. It's the opening premise of most Disney movies.

I think you might be projecting your own fears.

We live on a farm and death is very much part of my kids' lives. DS asked about death a lot when he was about 3-4. We've got a lovely book called life cycles that basically says everything has a beginning and an end. Some are short and some are longer. Most humans die when they're older but some can get sick.

Hopefully we're not breeding psychopaths but I don't want them thinking death is unnatural or something people don't talk about.

IME children can understand the concept of death just fine without euphemisms or likening it to anything else.

Death is a tough conversation but I don't personally shy away from it and my lo is only 5. He knows people die and he knows that death is permanent (although he can't grasp the true meaning of that). We have had times when he's cried and worried about me dying but I always reassure him that I won't die until I'm a very old lady because, although I want him to learn that people do die, I don't want him worrying unnecessarily. I think it's fine for your son to know the ndn died, if it upsets him, I'd just reassure him that it was a long time ago and thankfully it's rare that people die when they're still young or have young children. Gentle reality, mixed with reassurance is how I personally think it should be handled.

Anxiety comes when you don't talk about things; not when you do talk about them. The more you talk about things, the more reassuring it is - if your son feels he can talk to you when he's worried, and shows you that he feels sad, that is a really good thing and not something you should try to repress.

If it's something you find hard to talk about, the best thing might be to get a children's book on the subject. There are some very well-written ones. Might help you, too.
www.booktrust.org.uk/booklists/g/grief-and-loss-5-8-year-olds/

It’s bizarre the way in which every conversation with your child on MN is expected to be to the level of a psychiatrist or something

There's plenty of parents on this site whose children have lost a parent. There's also plenty of people whose children will soon lose a parent. Having a bit of basic knowledge, and providing information to people about how best to manage these situations is not being the level of a psychologist. It's information, readily available, to support children and their families through bereavement in the least damaging way possible.