Was mum U for telling DS(7) that her young neighbour went to heaven.

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They have a photo taken about 9 years ago of her NdN who was around 39 at the time, with her two young boys. All round about my age and my boys. DS brought the photo to DM and asked if it was me, as we recently showed him of photos of himself as a baby and he didn't recognise me.

DM said no, it was the lady next door and she went to Heaven. DS looked very sad and asked if she had died. DM and I were mortified and blundered around saying it was a long time ago and the boys were grown ups now. For info. NDN died of cancer and her boys were still quite young. DM feels awful and I am annoyed with her. We are worried he is silently worried I might die. Should I say something or just let it go. He is like an elephant and never forgets anything. Am I just worrying over nothing.

As someone with a child who is crippled with fear at the thought of death, please make sure you have open and honest conversations about it. It is a part of life that must not be brushed under the carpet, I wished we'd talked to DS about it more at that age and maybe he'd have a more rational understanding now.

Yabu how does your child not know about death. Have they seen any tv, video games, books etc? Death is as natural as birth and this sheltering you are doing will not benefit him.

I think it's actually a really good idea to introduce children to death with people that they dont know themselves. I lost my Grampa when I was 4 (he wasnt elderly and it was really sudden) and as you can imagine it was a really big shock and I'd not known anyone to die before or had a pet that had. It might be worrying for your son but you dont know what will happen in life and him learning about it with someone that he didnt know will give him the idea that it is something that happens in life. It's really hard not wanting to hurt young children but they need to know at some time, and you really don't want him to only learn that real people die when someone he loves passes away and he feels more lost and hurt than he would anyway because as well as the loss it comes as a shock that people actually do die, and by learning now yes he might be worrying about something happening to you but when it doesn't when someone he loves dies he might not be worrying about it happening to you because hell remember it didn't before and will just be able to grieve without questions that he learned about before.

Regarding saying Someone went to heaven ,I suppose it depends on your beliefs?

Death itself isn't a belief though. Fine if you think there's some magical otherworld where you 'live' forever, but back in reality death itself needs to be explained clearly to children. The person is no longer alive, which is terribly sad (in most cases) and cannot come back. Saying nonsense like 'they're watching over us all the time' can be confusing and worrying for a young child. It's ok to accept death for what it is - an absolute ending.

Also not sure what the issue is. Your mum WNBU. What do you think she should have said?

How old is your DS? I think you’re over reacting to be honest and being secretive around death isn’t very helpful; children will hear about people dying and it’s better to be open about it so they aren’t secretly worrying.
My DD is 3 and has some awareness that people die and what it means because she’s asked why she doesn’t see her grandad who died before she was born.

Years ago sex was the taboo subject that must not be mentioned now its death. Both are normal and things that your son will need to know about at some point, talking to him now in an age appropriate way is a good thing, you should have used the conversation to do just that not try to hush it all up.

I understand why you're worried bit you just need to open up the conversation again and offer reassurance.
My son was 3 when his key worker at nursery died suddenly, it was horribly sad and he was upset. Several parents told their kids she had left which I was stunned by. We talked about it and nice memories of her and lit a candle.
We have also talked about how my husbands mum died when he was 10, and how dh has extra health checks so it won't happen to him.
You can't avoid the conversation forever just start out gently and he will understand death is part of life.

Death is part of life. You’re not doing your kids any favours to protect them from that reality, you want to raise resilient and pragmatic children, not fragile flowers unable to handle difficult things.

Yes there are times for being sensitive around the topic, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with saying the next door neighbour had died or gone to heaven. Far worse to fudge the topic with strange euphemisms and avoidance.

He's 7. I'm surprised you didn't realise he'd connect "gone to heaven" with dead.

You should have taken the time to talk to him. He's more likely to be worried now you've hushed it because he'll worry there is something to hide.

I would have thought after the past year most young children have been very aware of death.

The answer to 'did she die' was yes son, she did. Then leave him to ask further questions if he wants to. My DD 1 died when DD2 was aged 3 and we never hid anything from her. We just let her ask questions in her own time.

Why would he worry you'd die because your mums NDN died?
He's 7. It's a massive part of life and this is the perfect time to tell him about it. You're unreasonable to be annoyed, very unreasonable to say something!!

You and your mother are both being completely ridiculous.

Why the need to be secretive about death? Surely you just make it this big scary mystery that everyone is scared of because they won't talk about it. Death is a part of life, a normal part, you've probably made him anxious by both panicking and not talking about it.

Your son clearly knows about death, otherwise he wouldnt have asked if the NDN had died.

Tbh you need to find a way to talk about it without blundering through it, because I think you're doing your son a disservice.

Its only unreasonable if you don't believe in heaven. I think it's a nice story to tell a child though. It's better than saying she's just dead.

@FireflyRainbow

Its only unreasonable if you don't believe in heaven. I think it's a nice story to tell a child though. It's better than saying she's just dead.

It really isn't, and all child psychology advice tells us to explain death properly to children to avoid any confusion.

Take this as an opportunity to chat about death, or find a book.
Please don't let him feel that death is a subject he shouldn't discuss.

Someone close to me died when I was very young and I understood that I shouldn't ever ask about it, which caused long term issues. Death shouldn't be taboo.

My sibling died when I was 7 I loved going to their grave me and my sister would play hide and seek behind all the grave stones. Not sure how my mum handled it and what she told us, but whatever she did, she did it right as we actually looked forward to going every week. I know that probably sounds messed up to some people though.

YABU and silly to be annoyed with your mum that he was told she had died. It's a fact of life. A sad one yes but I don't think a 7 year old should be sheltered from this.

Yes he will more than likely bring it up and yes he could become upset. Not just because of the woman's young age but because death is an upsetting thing to learn and understand.

@BrumBoo thanks for that 🙄🙄

OP, I lost a sibling aged 3. My parents thought they were doing the right thing by not talking about him, keeping me from the funeral etc. 40 years on the impact of that (and some other things) affects me every single day.

DD had attended the funerals of 4 great grandparents between the ages of 6 months and 7 years old. We have to make death a part of life in order for them to be able to properly process it.

We use the attached to deal with the sting of death. And we talk about those we’ve lost and tell their stories. It helps. (Not religious, so no talk of heaven or angels here.)

[quote FireflyRainbow]@BrumBoo thanks for that 🙄🙄[/quote]
You're welcome?

Yes I think YABU, it's only natural and saying they went to heaven is a soft way to approach it. Or is your issue she should have said it harsher?

Children become bereaved , sadly, and death does need to be spoken of.

Euphemisms like ''Fell asleep'' can terrify children.

There is nothing wrong in using the ''D'' word.

She died. He died. They died.

Our lovely neighbour's son was killed by a dozy driver.

Doreen said she hated it when people used terms like ''Passed''..
or ''Lost''

Death is painful...Using soft terms doesn't make it any easier to bear.

No one knows for sure what happens when someone dies.

It would be lovely if there was a meeting up of loved ones and our animals when we too die, but that may be wishful thinking.