Was mum U for telling DS(7) that her young neighbour went to heaven.

[dontsaveusername]

They have a photo taken about 9 years ago of her NdN who was around 39 at the time, with her two young boys. All round about my age and my boys. DS brought the photo to DM and asked if it was me, as we recently showed him of photos of himself as a baby and he didn't recognise me.

DM said no, it was the lady next door and she went to Heaven. DS looked very sad and asked if she had died. DM and I were mortified and blundered around saying it was a long time ago and the boys were grown ups now. For info. NDN died of cancer and her boys were still quite young. DM feels awful and I am annoyed with her. We are worried he is silently worried I might die. Should I say something or just let it go. He is like an elephant and never forgets anything. Am I just worrying over nothing.

Children are aware of death from quite a young age and the best way to avoid them being fearful is to be matter of fact and provide accurate, develomentally appropriate information.

Generally, children will ask questions to find out what they want to know and stop when they have achieved the level of understanding that feels comfortable for them.

A better response for the future would be to say that yes, she had died a number of years ago. He could then have asked further questions to clarifiy things that might be playing on his mind and chosen not to if that was enough to satisfy him for now.

He has probably picked up on your fear and discomfort around the concept of death and it may be quite some time before he asks you again. When he does, be relaxed, open and honest about answering his questions.

Trying to hide death from him is only likely to mean he gets incorrect information and has fears that he can't allay by asking you about it.

Children can be pretty matter of fact about death. They often handle it a lot better than the adults around them. You aren't going to create fear by answering questions honestly.

@funnylittlefloozie

I apologise for being thick and not noticing that you stated his age quite clearly in your title!!

Just so long as you don't think I have 7 Dss 🤣

Yes, I think the general consensus is I'm being unreasonable and not get to hung up on death. I have spoken about it before but only in terms of old people. He hasn't had a family member die yet. What I was upset with is the neighbour looks similar to me and was the same age in the picture and had 2 young boys with her, just like our family. I just don't want DS thinking I will die like she did. He just looked very sad when he said, did she die.

I'll sneak some conversations in about how mostly old people die but sometimes young people are sick but daddy and me are not sick so we are all ok.

I think I'm a bit paranoid about traumatising him!

Sounds like your son's got it sorted. He understood what she meant. I'd check with him that he understands about heaven being a Christian belief, whether or not you and he share that belief. Talking about death in the context of someone he's not even met is a good gentle intro.

It was him asking if it was me that freaked me

I'd be mildly irritated at the "went to heaven" part, but would also use it to talk about the fact that that's what some people believe. But yes children need to hear the facts of death and not merely get it embroidered with "passed" and "went to heaven" fluffiness.

Absolutely ridiculous - your mother and you.

Your young child is more sensible than the pair of you - able to cut through your mumbo jumbo and say, “so she died then?”

Why couldn’t you just say - “yes, she did, and everyone was sad about that, but we love to keep photos to remind ourselves about her.”

Even if you’re a Christian, child bereavement advice is to be careful with phrases like “in heaven” as for some children that’s confusing as it doesn’t seem final, they do need to understand that dead means not coming back.

Ridiculous to have flustered.

But I am 😳 that you then came out with the lies about how old she was when it happened! Lying to your child is a terrible idea. Talking about death can be upsetting - so they need to know they can trust you. Don’t destroy that trust.

Mine know all about death. Have you never walked past a cemetery? Read them a ghost story? One of mine has already decided the jewellery she’s having my ashes pressed into 🤣

Yes, you are paranoid, so don’t “sneak” in a conversation. Just be upfront.

Annoyed about what? Fgs yet another thread where a parent obsessed over whether a perfectly normal comment has caused permanent damage to their child’s sensitivities.

It’s getting ridiculous, no wonder so many posters then start threads about their ‘anxious’ teens.

Tell him what death is. Tell him one day people go to sleep and don’t wake up again because their body is broken or something. Then apologise to your mum for being so neurotic and over the top.

@Cocomarine

Absolutely ridiculous - your mother and you.

Your young child is more sensible than the pair of you - able to cut through your mumbo jumbo and say, “so she died then?”

Why couldn’t you just say - “yes, she did, and everyone was sad about that, but we love to keep photos to remind ourselves about her.”

Even if you’re a Christian, child bereavement advice is to be careful with phrases like “in heaven” as for some children that’s confusing as it doesn’t seem final, they do need to understand that dead means not coming back.

Ridiculous to have flustered.

But I am 😳 that you then came out with the lies about how old she was when it happened! Lying to your child is a terrible idea. Talking about death can be upsetting - so they need to know they can trust you. Don’t destroy that trust.

Mine know all about death. Have you never walked past a cemetery? Read them a ghost story? One of mine has already decided the jewellery she’s having my ashes pressed into 🤣

When my beloved grandma died, DD asked me what would happen at the funeral. She hadn’t been to a cremation before (just the services) and so I told her, very honestly. I said that afterwards, when we had her ashes maybe some could be made into a necklace for her and she could always have a bit of her great grandmother with her. She asked me which bit she could have. 😂. Which actually led to a lovely conversation about what she loved about her great grandmother, the majority of which wasn’t physical at all, and cemented some of those things she can remember when she feels sad about it.

I now work in cancer treatment. She knows that cancer is indiscriminate and sometimes young people including children don’t survive. And that it’s desperately sad when that happens but it’s life. We all have to go at some point.

@FireflyRainbow Sounds lovely to me. Your poor mum though. I think I have a deep rooted fear of dying and leaving my children, which is why I don't have a problem with older relatives dying (apart from my mum) but feel awful if a young mum dies. Definitely my issue though.

People die. YABU.

What was she supposed to say?

Tell him one day people go to sleep and don’t wake up again because their body is broken or something

Don't tell kids this. It causes children fears of going to sleep. Easy mistake to make but very damaging. There's plenty of good books out there to explain the concept of death to children.
Waterbugs and dragonflies is a gentle book that is often used for bereaved children.

Children absolutely should know and be able to talk openly about death.
However, I would think carefully about how you word your conversation so that you don’t plant any fears or misconceptions by being too vague/woolly. Clear and factual is best! So, for example, you don’t want them to be afraid of mum and dad becoming ill because ‘getting sick = death’ or of grandparents getting old because ‘old = death’. Check out the charity Winston’s Wish. You don’t need to impose lots of info in one go just answer the questions when they arise - probably at the oddest of moments! My final tip is not to be too worried if they ask ‘gruesome’ questions as it’s entirely normal.
Be glad that this has happened. It is much better and healthier to have had these conversations before the inevitable happens.
Good luck!

@dontsaveusername

I think it is possibly you who is afraid of death, not your son?

Nothing wrong with that, most of us do go through fear of death at some stage.

This may give you an opportunity to talk about death with your DS, especially as it is possible that someone locally, or someone he may have seen on a tv programme, may have died from Covid and therefore fairly unexpectedly.

I'll sneak some conversations in about how mostly old people die but sometimes young people are sick but daddy and me are not sick so we are all ok.

I wouldn’t. At present the only sane person in your family is your DS. If you carry on like this even he will realise you are batshit.

People die. Statistically on the older side but plenty of people mum/dad age and child age also die. It’s a fact if life and doesn’t need to be be addressed as such as it is what it is. It’s something that kids 100 years ago would have taken for granted with no resulting issues but parents these days seem to have a problem with. It’s odd.

Just leave it as it is as the reality is your neighbour died at a younger age and it sometimes happens. Kids don’t need to be shielded from that.

What I was upset with is the neighbour looks similar to me and was the same age in the picture and had 2 young boys with her, just like our family.

Do you think that the photo and conversation has impacted you more deeply than your DS OP?

You need to speak about it honestly in an age appropriate way. My kids experienced the death of a pet quite early, so they understood the concept of not coming back, then unfortunately family members.
Yes, it’s hard to explain and sad for them to grasp, but there’s no reason for anyone to be mortified.

[quote oakleaffy]@dontsaveusername

I think it is possibly you who is afraid of death, not your son?

Nothing wrong with that, most of us do go through fear of death at some stage.[/quote]

I've said I have an issue with dying and leaving my children. Not dying as such, I'll be quite happy to go when I'm 80 but I have a real anxiety around motherless children.

I'll sneak some conversations in about how mostly old people die but sometimes young people are sick but daddy and me are not sick so we are all ok.

Don’t do this. Have a proper chat with him and give him the opportunity to ask questions and have them answered.

I just don't want DS thinking I will die like she did.

This is exactly why you communicate openly and encourage him to ask questions. If he is worried about something, you can help him put his fears into perspective.

@DioneTheDiabolist

What I was upset with is the neighbour looks similar to me and was the same age in the picture and had 2 young boys with her, just like our family.

Do you think that the photo and conversation has impacted you more deeply than your DS OP?

I agree.

A child wouldn't make that connection.

I can see why with him first asking if it's you that how the conversation then continued might leave you uneasy or concerned he might be worrying about similar happening to you.

I wouldn't do the whole 'we're not sick so we're okay' thing because really - most illnesses don't kill people, illness isn't the only way people die (and many of us live with illnesses for many years) and you don't know what is coming your way. It's probably best not to associate getting ill with dying, just like it's best not to associate death with sleep.

I recommend the book Lifetimes by Brian Melloni as a good child-friendly way to discuss death. There is a video up on youtube with it last I checked, along with The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, among others.

@Erkrie

Tell him one day people go to sleep and don’t wake up again because their body is broken or something

Don't tell kids this. It causes children fears of going to sleep. Easy mistake to make but very damaging. There's plenty of good books out there to explain the concept of death to children.
Waterbugs and dragonflies is a gentle book that is often used for bereaved children.

Spot on..

My mother died when I was a young child, and I tried to not sleep as I must have heard death being referred to as ''Sleeping''

I tried to stay awake, it was a very anxious time. Please don't use words like ''Sleeping'' ...''Born sleeping'' for a stillborn sibling as it can confuse children no end.
Once children learn ti read, the ''Sleep'' euphemisms on gravestones are also quite common, and can be misunderstood.