Given women tips to “stay safe” following sexual attacks in my area - AIBU to be annoyed by this?

[brokenspoon]

Sadly several women were sexually assaulted in my local area last week. The local authority have sent out an email first of all stating that the police is investigating, however then follows a long list of “tips” for women to stay safe, including:

• not travelling alone at night
• using taxis rather than walking
• making sure your phone is fully charged

For some reason this has angered me. I loathe the language around violence against women. Messages like this I believe place the responsibility with women, rather than the attackers. Like when we get attacked it is because we were walking out alone, or because our phone wasn’t charged. Which of course isn’t true. Women get raped because men choose to rape them.

To me it smacks of “it’s her fault because she was drunk/wearing a short skirt”.

Am I unreasonable in feeling this way?
What should such a letter say instead? I appreciate the local authority is unlikely to sent out a letter with tips telling men how not to rape, although frankly that would probably be more appropriate!

YANBU op, the language surrounding women's safety always makes women responsible and men passive. As though the risk isn't there until these temptresses dangle the opportunity in men's faces and they can't help but take it. It's sickening really.

What was the full list? I’d be tempted to highlight all of them that Sarah Everard had been so careful to stick to (probably all except the taxi part) and send it back to them with a note.
She took every precaution that she shouldn’t have had to have done, and was still tragically murdered.

Violence against women is a problem with the perpetrators, not victims, and we need to stop framing it as something we can protect ourselves from.

100x yes I feel so much better when my teen daughter has her phone with her. In fact she's not allowed to go anywhere without it being fully charged

For those of you who have teenage boys does this equally apply to them?

Also how does anyone think a mobile phone aids safety? There is actually much more evidence that phones are a distraction for teens and they are more likely to be hit by a car when using them than they are to keep them safe from a potential attacker.

Also how does anyone think a mobile phone aids safety?

There is the emergency SOS thing plus I can see where they are on "find my friends"

If the advice is accompanied by advice for men on how to be good allies and help women feel safe, (not to walk up behind a woman etc), I'd have less of a problem with it. If it's all about women needing to change their behaviour ... well it's pretty tone deaf and not reading the room, to put it mildly.

Oh and the implication that there are things women 'should do' to stay safe just amplifies victim blaming. It's another set of hoops women subjected to make violence have to jump through to 'prove' they are not culpable.

*male violence

Get a grip - lovely. Are some people unable to assert their opinions without resorting to this level of communication?

Yes get a grip. Have a word wit yourselves and give your heads a wobble. If the words "get a grip" worry you so much, going out alone at night is probably not your biggest problem.

The point is, yet again, that so many people (including women) are missing the point. It's as infuriating as it's exhausting.

We know because we have heard it for the last.. oh i don't know in my case probably 45 years, how to be careful, to not take risks etc etc.

How about there is some real change. And part of that change is around the language the authorities use to talk to victims and potential victims of crime. And that would be, for my preference, as adults.

So sorry if "get a grip" (which is a very mild way of saying "how about thinking about it for a minute") upsets you. But Don't tell me to modify my language. I'm over that. Very much so.

Also how does anyone think a mobile phone aids safety? There is actually much more evidence that phones are a distraction for teens and they are more likely to be hit by a car when using them than they are to keep them safe from a potential attacker

Yes they provide a false sense of security amd prevent them from being aware of of surroundings. Not to mention they use all the battery doing shit like arranging to meet dodgy idiots, posting their locations and uploading videos of themselves. Any one who's ever tried to get hold of their child knows how dead these phones always are within 20 mins of being out

@Brefugee

Get a grip - lovely. Are some people unable to assert their opinions without resorting to this level of communication?

Yes get a grip. Have a word wit yourselves and give your heads a wobble. If the words "get a grip" worry you so much, going out alone at night is probably not your biggest problem.

The point is, yet again, that so many people (including women) are missing the point. It's as infuriating as it's exhausting.

We know because we have heard it for the last.. oh i don't know in my case probably 45 years, how to be careful, to not take risks etc etc.

How about there is some real change. And part of that change is around the language the authorities use to talk to victims and potential victims of crime. And that would be, for my preference, as adults.

So sorry if "get a grip" (which is a very mild way of saying "how about thinking about it for a minute") upsets you. But Don't tell me to modify my language. I'm over that. Very much so.

No I won't be getting a grip or "giving my head a wobble", at all.

I have thought about the issues. I've contributed to other threads around how we tackle the issue of male violence - hell, I work in offender rehabilitation. I'm clearly trying to tackle it.

My point was simply that giving precautionary advice in the face of very real risk, is not the same as victim blaming. And that taking all men (or all women for that matter) off the streets isn't the answer. We need to work together.

@Princessdebthe1st

100x yes I feel so much better when my teen daughter has her phone with her. In fact she's not allowed to go anywhere without it being fully charged

For those of you who have teenage boys does this equally apply to them?

Also how does anyone think a mobile phone aids safety? There is actually much more evidence that phones are a distraction for teens and they are more likely to be hit by a car when using them than they are to keep them safe from a potential attacker.

For me, I just feel a lot better knowing my DD has a way of contacting someone if she needed to. I can't put it any better than that, really.

@Brefugee

I haven't told you to "modify your language". Point to where I have. I commented on your language - there's a difference.

However, you're telling me to "get a grip". I could equally ask you to refrain from doing that. I'm able to put my views across without being rude. I don't understand why others can't.

My point was simply that giving precautionary advice in the face of very real risk, is not the same as victim blaming. And that taking all men (or all women for that matter) off the streets isn't the answer. We need to work together.

Except that isn't what i said at all. And i didn't suggest that a curfew was needed either or indeed call for one.

To recap: I said that if someone couldn't heed the "advice" and then was attacked would they be considered in some way culpable? Which is a VERY different thing to what you implied.

And i did say that people calling for curfews were doing it to get attention. And it does get attention. Mostly from people who then completely miss the point.

What i did say is that most of us know this stuff. And all that is needed is for the LA to inform that a spate of that crime has been happening and for people to be careful. That is all.

@MorrisZapp

I go absolutely nowhere without my phone. Reminding people to keep them charged when out on their own is simply common sense.

I wonder if others would view the safety advice I give to my teen DD when she goes out as me somehow preemptively blaming her, should she (god forbid) be attacked?

Am I blaming my daughter when I give her precautionary advice? Or is it different because she's a child?

Genuinely interested in people's views on this.

Also how does anyone think a mobile phone aids safety?

In a worst case scenario, it gives police and first response officers a last verified location due to reception masts picking up a signal, for a start.

@Brefugee

My point was simply that giving precautionary advice in the face of very real risk, is not the same as victim blaming. And that taking all men (or all women for that matter) off the streets isn't the answer. We need to work together.

Except that isn't what i said at all. And i didn't suggest that a curfew was needed either or indeed call for one.

To recap: I said that if someone couldn't heed the "advice" and then was attacked would they be considered in some way culpable? Which is a VERY different thing to what you implied.

And i did say that people calling for curfews were doing it to get attention. And it does get attention. Mostly from people who then completely miss the point.

What i did say is that most of us know this stuff. And all that is needed is for the LA to inform that a spate of that crime has been happening and for people to be careful. That is all.

Essentially, what happened is, you told me to "get a grip" for engaging with another poster in relation to her statement, in which I politely asked her a follow up question to this and pointed out where the issues might be.

I didn't even engage with you directly in the first instance- you did me, in what I perceived to be an unnecessarily rude manner. Hence I challenged it.

• making sure your phone is fully charged and has credit = common sense safety advice.

• not travelling alone at night
• using taxis rather than walking

= useless pieces of misinformation that dont keep women safe from predatory men, and encourage victim blaming.

A fit for purpose phone that just does calls and texts will stay charged for a week or more , fits in a pocket and allows communication. Without the distraction, fragility and crap design of a smart brick.

It's logical to do what you can to avoid being a victim of crime. I assume you lock your door at night? In any case, it's your choice whether to follow sensible advice or not

It's logical to do what you can to avoid being a victim of crime. I assume you lock your door at night? In any case, it's your choice whether to follow sensible advice or not

Its not sensible advice though is it

Impossible to follow by any woman who works after 4 o clock.

Makes then physically reliant on other people.

Costs them a fortune

Places the bugger who walks them home under the burden of then having to be unable to follow the "advice" by then going home alone because we'll soneones gonna be the last one home aren't they.

Then wonen will be blamed for- getting in a taxi with a man.

Walking in the dark alone with a man

Working late at night

Being too tight to pay for a taxi/uber

Flaunting their phone by calling a taxi/user

Accepting a lift home with a colleague/friend.

Accused of having an affair calling another womans husband fir escort/transport duties

Being too precious or incapable to make their own way home.

So, wtf Do we do

Making people aware that crimes have happened and to report suspicions is one thing, the rest is not.

An email to ALL of the people in an authority would have far more use if it had been an appeal for witnesses, and inevitably to appeal to the person who is suspicious that they know who the criminal is. The authority are just reinforcing the power of this predator by making them something everyone must change their behaviour for. Really bad use of communication.

I agree they shouldn't have to do this. However the local authority can't catch the attackers, they can't prosecute or sentence the attackers, or change society so that men don't attack women and that women dont get blamed for being attacked. So I think they are just doing what they can

They shouldn't weigh 8n if they're not tackling the situation then? Them spouting unproven safety advice (how many victims of sexual attacks have a phone, are out because they need to be etc?) Being female puts you at higher risk, but they're not saying look like a man are they? It's just a pointless message. Meanwhile someone knows who the attacker is. The police don't have the email address of every household in the local authority.

Whatwouldscullydo, we are not all reliant upon other people, there are other ways to get home

Whatwouldscullydo, we are not all reliant upon other people, there are other ways to get home

Like cycling or public transport or driving.

All.of which present many of the other problems I mentioned.

Taxi- reliant on someone else and expensive.

Public transport. Well its not door to door usually is it. At some point you either walk alone in the dark to or from the stop/station so does someone walk u there or meet you at the other end ?

Driving. Great if you have a car. But the following issues can present. High cost of parking. And a spot or car park that's near enough to work.that doesn't involve needing escorting to or from in order to "follow the rules"

Some towns have large pedestrian areas. Driving would involve a side street or car park as on premises parking not available