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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset a friend and colleague didn’t tell me they were pregnant

100 replies

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 17:48

Like I’m some sort of leper or something

Background: last 6 months have been terrible for me with a stillbirth and a miscarriage

My colleague who was shielding had been sending me nice messages when I lost my son etc. Then a few weeks after when I asked her how she was getting on as she’d had recurrent miscarriages she told me she was 27 weeks pregnant. She said she didn’t know how to tell me. So she was hoping I’d just find out from someone else?

Then I found out yesterday a friend is pregnant but didn’t want to tell me. So I sent her a message saying congratulations how far gone are you...she said 31 weeks???!!!

It just makes me feel shit that rather than tell me they just thought I would find out in other ways. But I’m happy for them? I’m sad for me ofcourse but it just feels like rather than protect my feelings they were actually protecting their own.

When I got pregnant I texted all my friends who were struggling with infertility to let them know I was 13 weeks as the sooner they know the better in my opinion. Why just leave it?

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 17:50

They were trying not to upset you.

Springingintospring · 20/03/2021 17:54

Surely you can see they were worried it would upset you.
Also I've noticed lots of people not announcing it till later in pregnancies recently as with lockdown, not seeing anybody, they dont need to tell.
Particularly if they had history of losses, they may rather not share their news in case something goes wrong.

CreosoteQueen · 20/03/2021 17:55

They were trying not to be insensitive I expect - they got it wrong, but it doesn’t sound like they were being deliberately unkind.

ItsSnowJokes · 20/03/2021 17:57

I think they were trying to be kind and take care of your feelings, they didn't want to upset you or come across as boasting they were pregnant. I would take it in the kindness that they meant.

StanVic49 · 20/03/2021 17:57

I don’t think for one minute they were being deceitful and were trying to protect your feelings.

MaMaD1990 · 20/03/2021 17:57

I see where you're coming from but their actions are coming from a good place.

georgarina · 20/03/2021 17:59

I totally get it from both sides. I've found it really awkward telling people due to not seeing them and having to text or call to tell them the news...especially when it's a sensitive subject. I really think they're not trying to be horrible to not be in touch, they just don't know how to approach it.

Hope you're feeling ok though x

Nightbear · 20/03/2021 18:00

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

I think people genuinely don’t know what to say when it comes to sharing pregnancy news with someone who’s suffered a stillbirth or miscarriage. They don’t want to hurt you so they keep putting it off. In the end they hurt you anyway.

GintyMcGinty · 20/03/2021 18:00

They were trying to not upset you.

People don't have a clue how to act around miscarriages and stillbirth. And people who experiences miscarriages and stillbirth don't all feel the same.

Its hard all round but they were doing this from the right place but got it wrong for you.

Parttimeworkingmama44 · 20/03/2021 18:03

I think I'm with your friend and colleague here. She wouldn't have wanted to upset you, surely you realise that..
Hope you're doing OK though. Xx

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 20/03/2021 18:03

@StanVic49

I don’t think for one minute they were being deceitful and were trying to protect your feelings.
This.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you're being supported Flowers

tipilass6 · 20/03/2021 18:04

I'm really sorry to hear about your losses. I have been through similar so can completely understand how you feel. I would feel the same. It feels like they're enjoying a secret. However please know that isn't the case. They would have been worried about you and not quite known how to break it to you. Don't let this ruin your friendships. Sending love x

Original poster
Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:04

It just makes me feel like the odd one out
And they only told me when prompted to. Did they hope I would find out when they put photos of their baby on social media?

OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 20/03/2021 18:04

You're kind of making this all about you. Maybe that's why they didn't tell you sooner?

Original poster
Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:05

Sorry just feeling quite angry at the moment

OP posts:
CreosoteQueen · 20/03/2021 18:06

I’m sure they didn’t hope for that.

LawnFever · 20/03/2021 18:06

They were trying to be kind, following miscarriages and failed ivf I personally find dealing with people announcing pregnancies very difficult, they were just thinking of you

Sansaplans · 20/03/2021 18:07

They probably didnt want to upset you, although that obviously didn't end up being the case, I doubt it's for any other reason.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 20/03/2021 18:07

@Tinpotdictator

Sorry just feeling quite angry at the moment
I get it. And it's part of the grief. And it can creep up on you when you least expect it. Flowers
Pebbledashery · 20/03/2021 18:07

You're still coping with your loss. 6 months is no amount of time to get over the trauma you've been through. I think your friend was just thinking of how you might feel. She was probably dreading telling you for fear of upset 😔

MaMaD1990 · 20/03/2021 18:07

Have you said to them that you're happy for them and you don't want them treating you differently because of what has happened to you? Yes, it was insensitive of them (to you) but you must be able to see that they must've felt quite awkward about telling you, perhaps feeling like they're rubbing it in your face? Have you seen example on here before where women who have experienced the same as you have admitted feeling jealous of friends and family getting pregnant after them? I think you need to put yourself in their shoes and realise they aren't being malicious.

Exhausted4ever · 20/03/2021 18:08

They obviously didn't want to hurt you. They got it wrong for what was best for you but they were trying to be thoughtful. It's a very difficult line to walk. Sorry for your loss

Womencanlift · 20/03/2021 18:09

Just because you would tell your friends at 13 weeks maybe they thought differently. To be honest I’m on your friends side here. I would wait until later

EssentialHummus · 20/03/2021 18:09

I think people genuinely don’t know what to say when it comes to sharing pregnancy news with someone who’s suffered a stillbirth or miscarriage. They don’t want to hurt you so they keep putting it off. In the end they hurt you anyway.

This. I'm sorry for your loss OP. I've also had a MC and had some absolute clangers from people. TBH I'm less sympathetic than PP - what the hell were they planning to do, just deny the existence of the child until x years down the line? I agree that it's awkward but if you're the friend in that situation you think through the issue/ask for advice on MN/take a stab at how to word things. Because treating someone like a leper is very hurtful in itself.

Cornishmumofone · 20/03/2021 18:09

It might be for completely different reasons. I didn't tell anyone part from my partner and one friend that I was pregnant until 26 weeks. Partly I was in denial and partly because I hate being the centre of attention and didn't want to discuss it with anyone.