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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset a friend and colleague didn’t tell me they were pregnant

100 replies

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 17:48

Like I’m some sort of leper or something

Background: last 6 months have been terrible for me with a stillbirth and a miscarriage

My colleague who was shielding had been sending me nice messages when I lost my son etc. Then a few weeks after when I asked her how she was getting on as she’d had recurrent miscarriages she told me she was 27 weeks pregnant. She said she didn’t know how to tell me. So she was hoping I’d just find out from someone else?

Then I found out yesterday a friend is pregnant but didn’t want to tell me. So I sent her a message saying congratulations how far gone are you...she said 31 weeks???!!!

It just makes me feel shit that rather than tell me they just thought I would find out in other ways. But I’m happy for them? I’m sad for me ofcourse but it just feels like rather than protect my feelings they were actually protecting their own.

When I got pregnant I texted all my friends who were struggling with infertility to let them know I was 13 weeks as the sooner they know the better in my opinion. Why just leave it?

OP posts:

4Mongrels · 20/03/2021 18:10

Sometimes people do the wrong thing whilst trying to do the right thing. I think their actions came from a place of kindness.

Original poster

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:10

@MaMaD1990

Have you said to them that you're happy for them and you don't want them treating you differently because of what has happened to you? Yes, it was insensitive of them (to you) but you must be able to see that they must've felt quite awkward about telling you, perhaps feeling like they're rubbing it in your face? Have you seen example on here before where women who have experienced the same as you have admitted feeling jealous of friends and family getting pregnant after them? I think you need to put yourself in their shoes and realise they aren't being malicious.

I totally get what you mean and yes I absolutely would feel jealous but genuinely happy for them, but to tell me so late just feels like I’m being excluded.

I’m just having a bad day today and perhaps I’m not seeing things in a very fair way

OP posts:

therocinante · 20/03/2021 18:12

They're trying to be kind. It's hard to know what to do for the best - plus, they're in their happy baby bubble, and people subconsciously want to protect themselves from 'bad/sad vibes'. Telling you would mean acknowledging why that might be hard for you to hear, and that might not be something that they want to think about. So yes in that sense it might also be to protect their feelings as well as yours, but they're entitled to that if that's what they need.

You also don't know whether they have also had difficult pregnancies and didn't want to talk about it with someone who had negative outcomes, both to stop you feeling upset and for them to have to face the potential things that could happen.

I'm sorry for your losses and I hope you can see it was not meant to hurt or exclude you for a bad reason.

MaMaD1990 · 20/03/2021 18:15

I really wouldn't chalk this up to a bad day OP. It won't be like this forever and if you did mention your feelings about it sensitively with them, at least they would know they can include you in the celebrations without worry. I honestly wouldn't take it to heart, but I know that's easier said than done sometimes x

siyhack58342 · 20/03/2021 18:16

I can see both sides here. And I'm sorry it's making you feel excluded. I don't think that's the intention but I can see how it feels that way.

Like pp said it could be for totally different reasons as well. A couple I'm reasonably close to didn't tell me they were having a baby till 30 weeks - I think they found lockdown together quite difficult and pregnancy in the mix was a strain, so didn't really tell anyone outside family that she was pregnant

MaMaD1990 · 20/03/2021 18:17

Sorry, I mean I WOULD chalk this up to a bad day - ruddy autocorrect!

Laiste · 20/03/2021 18:17

So sorry for your losses OP.

I get it. It came from a good place - but it was perhaps a little lazy of them to not address it AT ALL. Like you say - were they going to wait till you saw them next and hoped you wouldn't notice the pram? (lighthearted)

It's a mine field isn't it?

I've been on just about all sides of this at different times in the last 10 years. I remember vividly being in this lovely support group of 4 other women (formed from a MN thread) for those with losses. We met up and everything. Daily group chat and emails. We were all struggling with a particular type of loss and also a struggle to conceive at all.

The other 3 all fell pregnant around the same time and told each other but not me for nearly 3 months! I've never felt so sick and miserable. I KNOW it was because they all felt bad for me bla bla, but bloody hell it hurt. I felt a twat for still waffling on all that time still asking about their charting ect and they were all pregnant! :(

So: and strength and best wishes Tinpotdictator.

Chanel05 · 20/03/2021 18:19

Very sorry for your losses.

Definitely trying not to upset you however, I have been through a mc myself and found it very hard at the time to hear about new pregnancies. Everyone is different I guess.

Original poster

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:21

Thanks everyone
I’m starting to feel a bit better about the situation

OP posts:

NormanStangerson · 20/03/2021 18:23

Your reaction here is sort of illustrating why they didn’t know how to tell you. You’re using extreme language in relation to their pregnancy announcements like ‘leper’, ‘feeling shit’ and ‘angry’.

Your understandable distress at your own losses is clouding the clear fact that they didn’t want to upset you as their friend.

Laiste · 20/03/2021 18:23

I should add - i meant they told me 3 months after they told each other. And they didn't tell each other till the 2 month mark. So they were all about 5/6 months by the time they got together and told me!

ouch.

ElspethFlashman · 20/03/2021 18:26

It's unlikely this would have happened outside of a pandemic where you're not actually seeing people much. Ordinarily you'd have seen them in the flesh so they'd have had to tell you.

But if I wasn't seeing you, would I have told you? Probably not until I absolutely had to, tbh. I would have worried it would be terribly triggering.

Looneytune253 · 20/03/2021 18:27

With kindness you see threads on here all the time of women who are upset about all the pregnancy announcements around them and some are quite angry at the people for sharing. I'm guessing they're trying to be sensitive to your grief and don't even realise they're going about it in the wrong way (for you). Talk to them, tell them you're really happy for them and want to be involved normally

ScarfaceCwaw · 20/03/2021 18:31

Lots of people right now aren't telling anyone at all until very late on in pregnancy or the baby is actually born right now, because they're not seeing anyone or they don't have to. (And this isn't something specific to me or because I've had losses. I haven't particularly.)

It's entirely possible they didn't tell anybody before they told you.

BlackGoldSun · 20/03/2021 18:33

I think they started out trying to be sensitive and have ended up behaving very insensitively.

If they were not telling anyone about their pregnancy that is one thing, but if they were specifically not telling you but telling everyone else that is pretty bad.

Yes it's hard to tell you but it's worse to just not mention it and especially bad if they just hoped you'd hear it from someone else. That's not very kind, you'd be blindsided by a baby you didn't even know they were having. Someone I thought was a friend did similar. I'd have offered congratulations and appeared happy to her, and dealt with sad feelings privately but she just told other friends and let it filter down.
I would take a step back from them, not because of their babies but because of how they'd treated you.
Also take your time to process your losses 💐 and if it would help to talk to someone (a professional or a support group) have a think about that.

Original poster

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:33

@ScarfaceCwaw

It's entirely possible they didn't tell anybody before they told you.

In this case not true

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 20/03/2021 18:33

Oh Christ, we had loads of this after our baby died.

One time we went to a wedding. The night before the wedding one friend told me that another couple were pregnant. I couldn't believe they were just going to let us find out at a wedding with everyone there.

People don't know what to say when you've lost a baby so they do nothing in my experience. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope soon you will have good news to share with your friends.

OwlinaTree · 20/03/2021 18:34

The other couple who were Pg were 'friends', not just another random couple who were invited to the wedding!

Original poster

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:36

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

You're kind of making this all about you. Maybe that's why they didn't tell you sooner?

Interesting point Since all this has happened to me I’ve noticed how self obsessed I’ve become. I genuinely think about my problems, which there are many right now, all the time and have little room in my head for other people.

This is not how I normally am.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 20/03/2021 18:36

I'm with the op, I told friends I knew were having problems concieving first, not last.

Sexnotgender · 20/03/2021 18:36

I’m so sorry for your losses.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and have barely told anyone! Bar very close family obviously. It’s very weird being pregnant right now.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 18:38

OP, be honest, would it have upset you however you had found out?

My first baby was stillborn at 40 w and then I had a miscarriage around 6 months later and then struggled to get pregnant again for over a year after that. I didn't tell many people about the miscarriage or fertility difficulties but of course everyone knew our baby had died. I found some people were simply insensitive or not v supportive but in terms of pregnancies I can honestly say it did upset me.

I understand where you are coming from but they probably were just trying not to upset you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 20/03/2021 18:40

I remember my friend telling me how awful she felt when she was pregnant with her 3rd after l was told l couldn't have any more. And another friend with her 2nd. Wasn't they didn't want me to know, they just felt bad . Which obviously l told them not to!! They are trying to be nice OP but l am sorry for your awful experiences xx

Original poster

Tinpotdictator · 20/03/2021 18:41

@ElderMillennial

OP, be honest, would it have upset you however you had found out?

I understand where you are coming from but they probably were just trying not to upset you.

I’ve thought carefully about whether I’m just upset that it’s not me that’s pregnant. But another friend told me recently that she was 12 weeks pregnant and, although sad for myself, was really thankful she told me the way she did when she did. So 2 different scenarios provoking 2 different reactions

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 18:41

OP it's fine to think about you and your feelings. You are still feeling about theirs a bit too as you said you're happy for them. Do you think they're thinking of your feelings above theirs? No. They may be giving some consideration to you but they are thinking of themselves first so don't feel bad for doing the same. Losing a baby is heartbreaking and whilst they haven't really don't anything wrong, neither have you, and it's completely understandable this would be emotional for you.

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