Page 4 | To be upset a friend and colleague didn’t tell me they were pregnant

MeltsAway · 20/03/2021 21:48

I’m just having a bad day today and perhaps I’m not seeing things in a very fair way

That’s the nearest to reasonable you’ve been.

They’ve obviously tried to be sensitive towards you and your losses, and your response is to feel angry?

melj1213 · 20/03/2021 21:56

Background: last 6 months have been terrible for me with a stillbirth and a miscarriage

My colleague ... told me she was 27 weeks pregnant. She said she didn’t know how to tell me.

Then I found out yesterday a friend is pregnant but didn’t want to tell me. So I sent her a message saying congratulations how far gone are you...she said 31 weeks???!!!

The thing that stands out most to me is the timings and how close they all are to each other. The first colleague conceived in early September, the second was mid/late August.

Even if they realised/found out super early and were only waiting till the 12 week mark to tell anyone that would have taken both of them to late November/Early December, which it would appear was right in the middle of your stillbirth/miscarriage.

Under those circumstances I could easily imagine why they might not immediately tell you, or be struggling to find a sensitive way to tell you while you were in the middle of such a heartbreaking time, especially considering the lockdowns making face to face meetings almost impossible.

We see regular threads on MN of people asking how to sensitively tell family/friends who have either suffered infertility, mc or stillbirth about their pregnancy and invariably it is usually advised to speak privately with the person, ideally in person, before they find out from other people.

From there, the longer the pregnancy goes on the harder it may have been for them to broach the subject, or the easier it was to just not have to broach it, and since lockdown has meant not having to see people (especially people you would usually have to tell bc you see them regularly enough that they would definitely notice a baby bump) then there has been less urgency about spreading the news, and they may have heightened anxiety about their pregnancy and so didnt want to tell anyone till later.

PomegranateGin · 20/03/2021 22:00

@MeltsAway

I’m just having a bad day today and perhaps I’m not seeing things in a very fair way

That’s the nearest to reasonable you’ve been.

They’ve obviously tried to be sensitive towards you and your losses, and your response is to feel angry?

Her child died. It is the most painful, confusing heartbreak that takes over you when you are least expecting. Anger is grief at its most raw. It is not a reasonable emotion. OP is coming to terms with a strange hideous new world.

fabulous01 · 20/03/2021 22:09

I ah s been in both your shows and theirs.

I had an awful journey to finally having Children and I struggled with finding out about other pregnancies. When I did finally become pregnant I told very few people (some people who worked with me didn't know I was pregnant)

There isn't a right or wrong but I think they were trying not to hurt you.

LadyLolaRuben · 20/03/2021 22:13

Im sorry for your loss, sounds like you've had a terrible time.

They were trying to spare your feelings. The delay was to give you more time but, there is never a good time to tell someone they are gaining something that you've lost.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 22:14

If I’m honest I don’t know what you mean by feeling excluded. There’s nothing to be included in really. You can’t be excluded from their pregnancies.

I assumed OP meant excluded as in the friends had told everyone but them.

Her child died. It is the most painful, confusing heartbreak that takes over you when you are least expecting. Anger is grief at its most raw. It is not a reasonable emotion. OP is coming to terms with a strange hideous new world.

This is true. Those who have experienced something like this can being to understand how OP feels.

toocold54 · 20/03/2021 22:15

There was a thread only a few days ago saying the exact opposite- the friend who’d struggled to get pregnant was upset and jealous that her friends were pregnant and telling her about it. It’s a hard situation and they obviously didn’t want to hurt your feelings. As they’ve had struggles too they may have not wanted to tell too many people incase they miscarry.

BlackGoldSun · 20/03/2021 22:21

We see regular threads on MN of people asking how to sensitively tell family/friends who have either suffered infertility, mc or stillbirth about their pregnancy and invariably it is usually advised to speak privately with the person, ideally in person, before they find out from other people.

The advice is to tell them privately but usually not to tell them in person.
Everyone is different but more people err on the side of not being told in person and having to keep up the facade for however long the meetup lasts.
It's exhausting being told in person. With a text I can reply with my (genuine) happy feelings for a friend and take time to also process my own sadness. Which is better for them too because if they know me well and see through the bravado that might take the shine off it a bit for them and that's not something I want to do.

Namechange1991x · 20/03/2021 22:23

I hid my whole pregnancy from my best friend. Messaged her from the hospital NICU when I'd had him. Don't think she ever got over the shock, but I was too worried and wanted as few people to know as possible.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 22:25

The advice is to tell them privately but usually not to tell them in person.

I agree.

Fuppy · 20/03/2021 23:00

OP I agree with you. I suffered a neonatal loss, and I specifically told all my friends after to treat me as normal and not hide anything child/pregnancy related and it would help me feel/get back to normal faster and I am happy for them...
The result though was the same as yours. They are protecting their own feelings because they feel bad for you but awkward and yes they're worried about saying the wrong thing so it's easier for them to not bother doing or saying anything instead. I can't understand why some people think that ignoring or excluding someone 'comes from a good place'.
As I said to my friends at the time "Don't be afraid to talk about babies and children in front of me or to me for fear of reminding me about the loss of my son, I can't be reminded about someone I won't forget not even for a second"
I lost my son, and also some people I had thought were friends. Some of my remaining friends though, talk about my son to me and remember his birthday and always buy him a card, which I love.

I'm sorry for your losses OP

Fuppy · 20/03/2021 23:05

Also, as an example...some close family & friends didn't invite me and DH to christenings & birthday parties...only found out about it through social media.

Shrivelled · 20/03/2021 23:07

Sorry for your loss . I don’t think their actions were malicious, doesn’t that count for something? I told people very late about my first pregnancy and only told people in person. It’s a personal choice.

purplebiscuits · 20/03/2021 23:12

I think you should see these ladies as FRIENDS who really do CARE about you. Enough to be worried about the impact on you.

They wanted to try to save your hurt and protect you.

I'd have a 121 with them each about how you feel and try to see their perspective so you can move on.

Gemma2019 · 20/03/2021 23:33

To be honest I don't agree that the sooner the better for people to know, and texting everyone in my infertility group at 13 weeks wouldn't have been my choice. Your friends have tried to be kind to you and they have actually saved you 5 or 6 months of inwardly stressing about their pregnancies or having to make polite conversation with them about it.

I have had a lot of losses myself and whenever my pregnancies actually stuck I didn't tell anyone until I was at least 24 weeks gone, and some people didn't find out until after the births if I hadn't seen them. It's a personal choice and nobody else's business.

PurpleDaisies · 20/03/2021 23:38

We see regular threads on MN of people asking how to sensitively tell family/friends who have either suffered infertility, mc or stillbirth about their pregnancy and invariably it is usually advised to speak privately with the person, ideally in person, before they find out from other people.

The advice is hardly ever to tell them in person. If you ask on the infertility board how people want to find out, it is almost exclusively by text message. It is awful having to try not to cry at what’s supposed to be happy news.

Whether the op has been excluded depends on if other “equivalent” friends were told but she wasn’t. I’ve been in the position and it’s horrible.

BlackGoldSun · 21/03/2021 00:14

@Fuppy so sorry for what you have been through 💐
They are protecting their own feelings because they feel bad for you but awkward and yes they're worried about saying the wrong thing so it's easier for them to not bother doing or saying anything instead. I can't understand why some people think that ignoring or excluding someone 'comes from a good place'.
You've expressed it better than I did.

@Shrivelled
It doesn't count for much really. You weren't telling many people which is entirely up to you and I'd likely do the same. It's the exclusion of the OP if it's because of her previous losses that is the issue.
It was obvious that OP would find their news difficult, which couldn't be helped, but to not tell her if they told equivalent friends, as @PurpleDaisies says just adds an extra layer of hurt.

Flittingaboutagain · 21/03/2021 00:21

Sorry for what you have been through OP. I wouldn't have wanted you to text me to tell me you were pregnant at 13 weeks during my struggles to get and stay pregnant so I think it really isn't one size fits all and they were trying to be kind.

LibertyWX · 21/03/2021 00:26

I'm sorry about your stillbirth. I understand as I've had 2!

I don't think your friends were being malicious. When a friend has lost a baby, it can be insensitive to discuss their pregnancies with that person without the fear of upsetting them. I know that either way you were going to get hurt but if you were in their position, you'd know it'd feel wrong. Like they were putting it in your face.

Big hugs.

DianaT1969 · 21/03/2021 01:05

It's their pregnancy. Nobody is entitled to news at any time. If you feel left out, it's because of Covid. If you had been seeing them regularly this wouldn't have been an issue. Sorry for your loss, but I hope you can let go of these feelings of being kept in the dark.

MeltsAway · 21/03/2021 11:30

Her child died. It is the most painful, confusing heartbreak that takes over you when you are least expecting. Anger is grief at its most raw. It is not a reasonable emotion

I understand (believe me, I really do ...) and the anger, but the OP is unreasonable and over-reacting to direct the anger at her friends/colleagues.

One screams at the universe, but you can't take out this grief on others. The OP is unreasonable. and it's nobody's fault. Certainly not the fault of her friends. But I was very private about this, and I didn't think that others should suffer my grief.

BloodyHellAudrey · 21/03/2021 11:34

@MeltsAway

Her child died. It is the most painful, confusing heartbreak that takes over you when you are least expecting. Anger is grief at its most raw. It is not a reasonable emotion

I understand (believe me, I really do ...) and the anger, but the OP is unreasonable and over-reacting to direct the anger at her friends/colleagues.

One screams at the universe, but you can't take out this grief on others. The OP is unreasonable. and it's nobody's fault. Certainly not the fault of her friends. But I was very private about this, and I didn't think that others should suffer my grief.

She isn't taking it out on anyone. She's asked here. And has accepted with grace and dignity the answers given here. Her loss is new. It is going to be, at times, unreasonable.

Your response to grief is different from the grief of others.

ElderMillennial · 21/03/2021 11:38

@MeltsAway OP isn't taking her anger out on anyway. She is angry. Anyone who has lost a child or someone close unexpectedly might understand that anger. OP may be being "private" about her grief IRL (and even if she isn't, that's fine too) but there are lots of women on this forum who understand OP's position and she should be able to post here for support.

OP asked why friends might not have told her sooner and many of us have answered that but I think telling OP she is wrong to feel the way she does is unfair.

OldEvilOwl · 21/03/2021 11:42

*Beseigedbykillersquirrels
You're kind of making this all about you. Maybe that's why they didn't tell you sooner?
Interesting point
Since all this has happened to me I’ve noticed how self obsessed I’ve become. I genuinely think about my problems, which there are many right now, all the time and have little room in my head for other people.

This is not how I normally am*

This is normal when you have been something so traumatic. You are putting yourself first, which is exactly what you need to do

Shrivelled · 21/03/2021 23:16

OP it sounds like you’re still in survival mode and still angry and grieving which is totally to be expected after only 6 months. I’m sure your friends didn’t mean to exclude you but if they’re not helping you heal then it’s fine to distance yourself from them and focus on you.