To be upset a friend and colleague didn’t tell me they were pregnant

[Tinpotdictator]

Like I’m some sort of leper or something

Background: last 6 months have been terrible for me with a stillbirth and a miscarriage

My colleague who was shielding had been sending me nice messages when I lost my son etc. Then a few weeks after when I asked her how she was getting on as she’d had recurrent miscarriages she told me she was 27 weeks pregnant. She said she didn’t know how to tell me. So she was hoping I’d just find out from someone else?

Then I found out yesterday a friend is pregnant but didn’t want to tell me. So I sent her a message saying congratulations how far gone are you...she said 31 weeks???!!!

It just makes me feel shit that rather than tell me they just thought I would find out in other ways. But I’m happy for them? I’m sad for me ofcourse but it just feels like rather than protect my feelings they were actually protecting their own.

When I got pregnant I texted all my friends who were struggling with infertility to let them know I was 13 weeks as the sooner they know the better in my opinion. Why just leave it?

Hi OP

My best friend has a still birth. I found it so hard to deal with, as well as being upset I just desperately wanted to support her and was so worried about saying the wrong thing and making it worse. Personally I still made sure I alwayd said something as a family member went through something similar and I remember them saying that people ignoring the obvious was the worse thing.

I then got pregnant and I just felt horrendous that I wanted to support her but might have ended up adding to her pain. There was going to be no good way of telling her. I dont really like talking about things that are happening to my body anyway so didn't tell anyone til about 20 weeks but I admit it was a bit later when I told my friend.

I will say though I did tell her before some others. We don't live close by so told my work etc first but out of that group of friends or anyone else that may have told her, I did tell her first as I recognise that it would have been shit to hear it from anyone else. I do think that 'hoping you heard it from someone else' ( if that's what happened) is shit, and cruel as you're then left dealing with two things, difficult news and also the fact your good friend is keeping something major from you.

I'm sorry your friend was shit, and I'm so sorry about your baby. But it is human nature to put off doing something potentially difficult, people bury their heads in the sand about all sorts of issues, hoping they will magically resolve themselves before they have to take action, so it isnt a reflection on your friends opinions on you, its just a reflection of their own weakness in dealing with potentially upsetting situations if that makes sense.

@ElderMillennial

OP it's fine to think about you and your feelings. You are still feeling about theirs a bit too as you said you're happy for them. Do you think they're thinking of your feelings above theirs? No. They may be giving some consideration to you but they are thinking of themselves first so don't feel bad for doing the same. Losing a baby is heartbreaking and whilst they haven't really don't anything wrong, neither have you, and it's completely understandable this would be emotional for you.

Thanks @ElderMillennial, sorry you’ve been through similar heartbreak x

And I think if they didnt care at all, they'd have done something awful like tell you face to face and expect you to be ecstatic and organise a baby shower for them or something, I think I've seen threads like that on here before!

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

You're kind of making this all about you. Maybe that's why they didn't tell you sooner?

This! They were trying to protect your feelings, there was no malice in what they did.

I've seen posts on here with women incredibly resentful about close family and friends who have got pregnant when they have miscarried. People react in different ways ans they probably didn't want to upset you but you sound lovely and really happy for them and I am sure they are really relieved

No you've definitely got that wrong. They didn't want to upset you, they wanted to protect you and not rub your face in their news.

Where I used to work, it was usual for people not to announce a pregnancy until after the five-month scan. Of course sometimes it was obvious they had a bump long before that.

I got pregnant in lockdown and didn’t tell most people, just one or two. Didn’t do an announcement. They may have their reasons. We certainly didn’t want to tell anyone just because we hit 12 weeks, we took much longer to tell the few people we did tell.

Also, several of my friends didn’t take my news very well and it overshadowed my pregnancy. One still isn’t talking to me. That’s fine, she will when she is ready. But it’s a difficult situation.

It’s hard to judge how people will react and I completely get that in the current lockdown it’s easier/harder and people end up just not bringing it up. I do think your friends were very clumsy though - it’s not like you were never going to see them again!

I do think that your anger is likely due more to your experiences than you think it is. Sadness isn’t the only emotion associated with grief and trauma and I feel that your reaction is still your grief talking.

I’ve never experience mc or stillbirth but I have experienced infertility and grief. People, even those who on paper should know what to say or do, get it wrong sometimes. These people are your friends, why would they knowingly want to hurt you?

You’re in a position now to lead them on how you would like to handle this. Contact them and offer your congratulations if that’s something you feel you can do. Once you’ve removed the hurdle of them having to tell you their news they can talk freely to you.

Ive had to tell a friend who's going through IVF that I'm pregnant recently. I've had several miscarriages so you'd think I'd know about how to deal with this but it's so hard. I waited until the 20 week scan then sent a text letting her know. It's so hard when you don't want to hurt someone, it can feel like dropping a bombshell and selfishly I don't want our relationship to change, but if she wants it to it will have to and I have to give her that choice. I think your friends definitely were acting out of love but should have told you a bit earlier really.

I totally get what others mean about not telling people about pregnancy during lockdown though! I don't know what it is but I've not been anywhere near as giddy and willing to bend everyone's ears about it this time around.

Adding to my earlier comment, I had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks pregnant. A short while afterwards my sister phoned me to tell me that she was pregnant and had had her 12 week scan. She said it was one of the hardest phone calls she had to make and had put off doing so for a while. It took me a bit of time to accept that actually she was only trying to protect my feelings.

Look at it from their point, you have lost a baby and had a miscarriage, my guess is they just didn’t know how to tell you as no doubt they thought you would be hurt and upset.

Seems to me they are fanned if they do and damned if they don’t

It’s now up to you to decide how you will be with them moving forward

Im sorry for your loss.

I think they’ve tried to be sensitive and consider your feelings and have misjudged the right thing to do. I also think in lockdown they probably wanted to speak to you, haven’t had the chance and then time had rolled on.

They love you OP and probably they wanted to protect you.

Sadly there isn't a sign on a grieving person's head when and what is ok to talk about other people's happy news.

I had the infertility and IVF losses and I see friends tiptoe around me with their pregnancy news ...
and when I was finally pregnant I was also tiptoeing my other friends who were doing IVF....

I am so sorry you had awful time... You had a stillbirth and MS those are two huge things to come to terms with for anyone even they are made of steel... If I were your friend I would be so worried to approach you with a pregnancy news and hurt your feelings knowing what happened to you in the last 6 months ...plus the stress of usual lockdown....

They love you and probably they think procrastinating it as much as they can and wait for you to ask them (which indicates you are ready to hear the answer) is the best way forward.

Lots of hugs xxxx

@Tinpotdictator

It just makes me feel like the odd one out And they only told me when prompted to. Did they hope I would find out when they put photos of their baby on social media?

No they didn’t. They knew you would be angry and upset like you are now and wanted to avoid hurting you.

That said, I’m sorry things have been tough these past few months.

I'm so sorry for your losses.
The pandemic has made the is all so much more likely. If you were seeing each other they would've likely told you I think.
Over last 2 weeks I've had 3 close friends tell me they're pregnant - all around 5-6 months gone. (I haven't seen them for months). I had a mc a few months ago myself but didn't tell any of them.
I'm so happy for them and also sad for me. You can be both.
I think they were just trying to be kind and missed the mark but it's so hard to know what's best approach isn't it?

Was just coming on to say that they were just trying to protect your feelings but I'm kinda with you actually, going to go against the grain a bit.

Not the same thing but when I split with my ex fiancé I had loads of folks dance around the issue of engagements/weddings etc for ages and it annoyed me that they thought I wouldn't have been happy for them. We didn't even get as far as booking a venue etc so I really would not have been upset! We'd be engaged for years. But it even went as far as my brother not telling me I was to be bridesmaid for ages as they didn't want to upset me (but I already had a new boyfriend by then!). Was a bit bizarre. Just made things more awkward when people tried to avoid the topic?!

I am sorry for your loss xxx

I think it would be very difficult for your friends to get this right. Whatever they did would likely have caused you some pain.

I can completely understand how excluding you from their pregnancies would hurt. It underlines that your experience is different from theirs and perhaps it makes you feel as though they see you as different. I think they probably just cannot imagine how to bring in the conversation with you. It’s also really common for people to give grieving friends and family a wide berth. It’s awful, but common.

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are trying to make sense of it, with the self-obsession you describe. You might have a lot of unanswered, maybe even unanswerable questions.

I hope the people around you find a way to manage their own discomfort and confusion. I think you should not give yourself too hard a time for feeling angry and upset about this.

I have a friend who was pretty horrible to me and has cut me off since I told her I was pregnant. I told her quite early on and she was the first person I told. Even so, this doesn’t end well.

My pregnancy was unplanned and I had awful depression connected to it. She had been trying and losing for a long time. She was hugely resentful that I had become pregnant without trying and it had stuck. Pretty understandable for her to resent that.

I was depressed, sick with guilt, suicidal (that was scary, I’ve never felt like that before) and had to have very close medical monitoring because they thought something was very wrong with my baby. She actually started talking to me again when it was looking likely I’d be offered a termination because of the baby’s problems. She cut me off again when I eventually had an amniocentesis and things were ok. She’s not really spoken to me since.

It is a hugely complicated and emotional situation, she really hated me, she was so angry and so sad and I had made it worse and took the brunt of her pain. I had done nothing wrong but I don’t blame her for her feelings, but she can’t blame me for her feelings either. I’m really gutted that our friendship has gone but it is always going to be a truly awful situation but your friends weren’t excluding you, they were protecting you.

I’m so sorry for everything you have been through. I understand emotions are high but I don’t think she meant to hurt you, it looks like she was trying to protect you as best she could x

It just comes down to their decision. You might feel “the sooner the better” but they didn’t feel like that and they are allowed to do what they feel more comfortable with.
The reality is you would probably feel just as hurt finding out whether they were 13 weeks or 33 weeks and that is totally understandable. Sometimes it’s easier to try to pin our emotions on something more tangible like your friends being in the wrong but they were just trying to be sensitive to the situation.

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. I don’t know if this helps you but I’m 22 weeks PG and I haven’t told anyone yet. The whole lockdown thing and my own anxiety about having another late miscarriage has meant it’s been easier to keep it to ourselves. I would look at it more as us all being distant from one another rather than people purposefully keeping things from you. I would really have to seek people out to let everyone in my life know as I’m not an ‘announce on Facebook’ kind of gal.

I haven't told my family I am 16 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. Partly because my sister had a miscarriage and her much wanted baby would have been due in Feb. It feels too insensitive for me too announce yet. I won't be doing it via social media but would have liked to do so in person. Due to covid I will probably just announce on our family watsapp group. I think my sister will be happy about having a niece or nephew but I don't wish to cause more upset. Tbh I feel dammed if I do and damned if I don't. I love my sister and my wish not to upset her comes from a good place, I'm sure your friends feel that way too x

I’m sorry about yout losses and how you’re feeling

If I’m honest I don’t know what you mean by feeling excluded. There’s nothing to be included in really. You can’t be excluded from their pregnancies.

They didn’t tell you obvs so they didn’t upset you further. They have no way of knowing how it would impact you. But there is no exclusion. 💐