Sil is kicking off because I haven’t taken her child shopping

[Amberleaf12]

During Xmas I discussed with Sil what to buy her child for Xmas . I told her I didn’t want to buy her just anything because as she’s growing (9YO) she has a certain style and interests which I’m not familiar with.

Sil immediately said, please don’t buy her anything but take her shopping for something she wants.

Today SIL sent a message telling her brother (DH) how do you think my child feels ? Your wife has gone back on her promise.

There is a long history with SIL. Her self worth is based upon whether people around her give into her demands and do as they’re told and if your opinion differs then a war of words begins.

Your love for her is measured by whether you’re able to visit her often, but her gifts to make her feel loved and take her out to dinner. If you don’t do those things then she will pull you upon how much you don’t care about her.

I’ve always stood my ground but respectfully. I just won’t give in. I’ve never given in into anyone if their attitude is used as control and power over your life.

The simple answer to my SILs dilemma is, the shops aren’t over due to the global pandemic. Nothing more to it really.

I would buy said child something online but the original conversation was around taking the child out shopping. I’m happy to buy child something online now but then I could have just done that at Christmas. The reason I didn’t is because the child has her own style. Something I understand because I’m the same!!!! It’s so much easier to take her out and let her choose!

I explained this to DH and he agreed wholeheartedly without question. Whilst I’m not close to the child I do really enjoy her company. She’s wacky and cool and makes me laugh and DH can see this. She’s only kept at arms length because it’s not possible to have a relationship with her without SIL making demands and throwing tantrums.

I mentioned to DH it seems that our love for her daughter is now starting to be measured just like our love for her is being measured by what we do for her.

DH responded simply by saying it will happen soon but he didn’t say anything about it being because shops aren’t open which is slightly annoying but I can forgive him for failing to mention that. He tries to remain neutral as much as possible as I do.
Also if we explained the reason he said no doubt she’s so emotionally unstable right now she’ll find another reason to be angry and it’ll just spiral out and become a slanging match.

It’s been almost a year now where we’ve learnt to listen and not put her right factually because it ends up with dragging the past up about how she feels about how we treated her . And by that I mean not giving into her demands.

I feel a bit frustrated. I know not to say anything. The less we say the less longer her anger will last. The more we say the longer her anger will last.

The last time I saw the child we were laughing and joking and being dorky. It’s just so fun.

I really despise the fact that SIL holds onto every little thing we do or don’t do.

It’s upset me a little and I’ve had a cry. But I’m okay now. I just feel anxious again.

Do we have the same SIL? 😂 I could of written this! Mine cut me off in the end as I wouldn't give in to her ridiculous demands.
Stand your ground, she's being pathetic you can't help the shops being shut. What does she expect you to petition to Boris to open the shops for her daughter? 🙄

And this is why I only give money.

I'm afraid by biting your tongues to keep the peace you are inadvertently supporting her behaviour.

She's a CF and needs treating as such.

You all sound dramatic.

I would buy said child something online but the original conversation was around taking the child out shopping. I’m happy to buy child something online now but then I could have just done that at Christmas. The reason I didn’t is because the child has her own style. Something I understand because I’m the same!!!! It’s so much easier to take her out and let her choose!

OP - correct me if I'm wrong, but this is how this reads to me - that a suggestion has now been made that you purchase something online for the niece, and you're backing away from that because you all had an idea originally that the 2 of you would go shopping together.

If that is the case (and crucially, that is what the niece wants rather than anyone else) I really think you should just go with the new suggestion that has been made - she's found something she would like, it's within your power to gift this - why not just do it? Why hold something over everyone like this?

Again, apologies if I have interpreted this wrongly.

If an in-law pulled me up on how much I cared for them, I'd say, you're right, I don't very much.
But unless the 9-year-old fancies something from Tesco - your options do seem limited.
It doesn't seem worth crying over!

She sounds mentally unstable. Poor kid, growing up with a mother like that.
Your DH needs to step up and politely explain that as the whole world knows, we are in lockdown and most shops are closed. He can offer to transfer some cash, buy a voucher or just bloody well wait.

Google “control drama” because that’s what your SIL is doing. There are certain ways to deal with it. With this kind of control drama it’s to be blank and matter of fact. She gains energy by you jumping around. You respond with one word/sentences. Never apologise. Do not offer more info than necessary. Do not engage other than to respond. So in this case you would respond
“Text relating to this has been sent to niece”
In your text to niece you write “hiya! Just to let you know that we haven’t forgotten you. As soon as Covid allows and shops are open we will take you shopping. Hope you’re having a brilliant weekend. Start planning what you want. Love you lotsxxx”
If niece doesn’t have a phone you write to SIl
“we will be fulfilling our promise once Covid is over and shops are open. Best”

You've got bigger problems than a shopping trip.

Why on earth are you and your husband pussy footing around this nasty piece of work?

She'd have been out of my life after she put my gifts in the bin.

Also, this isn’t actually about the present. It’s a control drama which is about her feeling like she needs attention/power. She’s feeling not important so she drains energy from somewhere else to feed herself. If it wasn’t the present it would be something else. You could call her on it
“You don’t need to throw a tantrum to get our attention you know. We do think about you lots. If you want our attention then you only have to say. You know the present will be bought once the shops are open. Stop being silly. There’s no deana here”

Drama not deana

Totally disagree with whoever said you sound like hard work - your SIL is being utterly ridiculous. I suspect the ‘how do you think she feels?’ comment is her projecting onto her child. I think I’d absolutely need to air this with her. She’s being very demanding and greedy and binning your gifts out of spite was disgusting. Why should she be allowed to carry on acting like an utter brat.

I’ve got a batshit SIL, she also measures the gifts she’s given as an indicator of how much she’s loved. She also gets wildly jealous if MIL arranged anything with us in case I’m stealing her mother from her🙄

I’ve learned to smile and nod and murmur whenever she announces another life altering event which everyone just pay full attention to and then she gets very rude and abusive if anyone makes any suggestion to help.

I always respond with oh dear, poor you.

I’d ignore the woman. Your DH has dealt with her to ensure minimum drama. Leave it now.

You have my sympathies.

Your SIL sounds a right pita

That's a long time for poor DN to wait for her Christmas present. Can you send her a voucher to spend online? Email it to her dad if SIL can't be trusted.

What in hell did you buy her 4 years ago that got binned into front of her? 😳

I wouldn't have bought any more presents after her binning some, how rude and ridiculous.

@Babyboomtastic

Then her age, why didn't you give the child a choice to choose something or wait until the shops open again.

You sound a bit hard work tbh.

The SIL is the one who is hard work and needs to watch some news. The Shops. Are. Closed.

Feel a bit sorry for the child, their mother sounds unhinged. Don’t know what you are do OP, I would say cut her out but obviously that affects the child as well.

Maybe just try not to be bothered by her craziness? Let it slide off your back etc.

How on earth are you supposed to take her shopping presumably for clothes or toys when non essential shops are shut and you are not supposed to be seeing your niece anyway? Does your SIL live in some alternative universe where there isn't a pandemic and things are normal.

I would just send a text to her saying you have not forgotten but until things open up there is not much you can do. Alternatively offer to send her money or an online gift as you realise it is 3 months now since Christmas.

Take her shopping & ask her what she wants?

Er no!

mum or child can give ideas surely?

Unless you want to shop with her?

Thank you for your messages of support. I’m overwhelmed by this in a good way. I feel heard.

Thank you to those who have responded with advice on how to deal with it. That’s really helpful.

Thank you to those who have questioned me and my intentions and whether I’m being selfish or how I maybe unreasonable. It’s food for thought.

Overall I feel sad because my love for the niece I feel is being measured by a gift. It was never my intention to make her feel anything negative.

Lockdown, work and homeschooling my kids took precedent. I always intended to take her shopping. I don’t go back on promises. I teach my kids this and therefore I need to be able to practice what I preach.

It upsets me more so because I really don’t want my niece to feel left out or unloved by us. She is a special kid.

I can say many things but it doesn’t help or resolve the fact that I’m being accused of making my niece feel left out or unloved. Whilst being aware that these are my SILs words not coming directly from my niece.

I really liked the cheque idea but don’t have a cheque book so I plan on wiring the money over to SILs husband. I’ll send a message to them both but the message will be addressed to my niece apologising to her and explaining re shops being closed. I don’t mind apologising to my niece. I know her well enough to know her thought process would be ‘pass the sick bucket I’m going to hurl’. She’s funny.

I now know better for next Xmas

I know it’s not about my niece. It’s about her. It always has been. Today just got to me.

Thank you 🙏

I now know better for next Xmas

Next Christmas let your Dh look after his family gifts, save yourself this hassle.

Now forgetting SIL is a mad bitch, just for the sake of the child can you take her on a virtual shopping trip? Meet over zoom and let her pick the shop websites she wants to look at? This isn’t to appease the mad sil bug for the love of your niece.

Message her and tell her that due the global pandemic that has resulted in the shops being closed that unless her kid would like to accompany you to Asda, you haven’t been physically able to take her kid shopping but you will when you can. Unless of course SIL continues to be a loon in which case you will just transfer some cash to the kid instead.