Pissed off with friend - AIBU?

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Had a bit of a heated discussion with a friend about a week ago. He won't concede that he gets any advantage from being a) white, b) male and c) straight, but, conversely has a massive chip on his shoulder about being working class (despite being about the most middle class person I know - went to a RG uni, lives in a fancy apartment in a nice part of SW London, listens to Radio 3/4, shops in Waitrose, works for a broadsheet, etc.).

Frankly I think he's a bit of a covert misogynist, although he does have his good points. He also corrected something I said (I used the word "effectively" which he corrected to "in effect").

He then sent me a message simply saying, "Skype window" (i.e. it suits me to have a Skype call at this very minute). I just answered with a question mark, to which he responded, "I think you know what I mean."

AIBU in being royally pissed off at being "summoned" in this way?

Too many disadvantages in that last sentence...

It wasn't a personal attack at all.

I beg to differ 🌺

I get what you mean OP. I’ve got someone in my life like this who starts barking statements at me when he feels his male dominance being threatened. It’s subtle but i’ve noticed he only does it after we’ve disagreed about something. He’d deffo pull a ‘skype window’ on me! It’s irritating but I have taken to just pulling him up on it when he does it or ignoring him until he phrases things less like a command.

@WisnaeMe

It wasn't a personal attack at all.

I beg to differ 🌺

Well fine, but I don't see how you can say whether it was presented in the manner of an attack when you weren't party to the conversation.

I don't see it as an attack when he cites the advantages of having gone to independent school or points out that I have an RP accent.

@SilverRoe

I get what you mean OP. I’ve got someone in my life like this who starts barking statements at me when he feels his male dominance being threatened. It’s subtle but i’ve noticed he only does it after we’ve disagreed about something. He’d deffo pull a ‘skype window’ on me! It’s irritating but I have taken to just pulling him up on it when he does it or ignoring him until he phrases things less like a command.

Interesting. I wonder whether this is a "thing" for a certain type of man.

I am currently ignoring him (not that he's been in touch lately), but if he asks nicely I'll be happy to Skype with him.

He would annoy the shit of me.
In the same way some people in life do now.
They are my friend because of who I am now but wouldn’t even look in my direction if they knew where I am from. Partly my own insecurity I get that.

Well fine, but I don't see how you can say whether it was presented in the manner of an attack when you weren't party to the conversation.

and visa versa, as we only have your version due to none of us being party to the conversation. 🌺

This is all rather over-thinking and strategic in a friendship, isn’t it?

You sound like you enjoy the drama of having a big studenty thinky discussion/disagreement over drinks with someone who fancies you more than you fancy him, and when he disagrees with you, you call him out for the currently accepted thought-crimes, then prettily faux-flounce while you wait for him to pretend to agree with you and apologise, at which point you’ll start flirting with him again until next Friday night.

It sounds exhausting.

Hmmm he sounds arrogant and lacking in self awareness and I rather suspect he isn't a true friend if he's trying to get you to shag him. I'd ignore him for a good long while.

@SylHellais

This is all rather over-thinking and strategic in a friendship, isn’t it?

You sound like you enjoy the drama of having a big studenty thinky discussion/disagreement over drinks with someone who fancies you more than you fancy him, and when he disagrees with you, you call him out for the currently accepted thought-crimes, then prettily faux-flounce while you wait for him to pretend to agree with you and apologise, at which point you’ll start flirting with him again until next Friday night.

It sounds exhausting.

Well yes, that would be rather exhausting, I agree - if it were what actually happened.

We have interesting discussions. Occasionally his misogyny shows, occasionally he behaves like a twat. Possibly I do too. There was no alcohol involved and neither of us was flirting (and it didn't take place on a "date night").

@WisnaeMe

Well fine, but I don't see how you can say whether it was presented in the manner of an attack when you weren't party to the conversation.

and visa versa, as we only have your version due to none of us being party to the conversation. 🌺

Er, the flower is supposed to mean what, exactly?

Fair enough!

I immediately bristle at being told to do something - I’m a grown woman. Outside of work I don’t need ‘telling’, so I’d be pissed off too.

Er, the flower is supposed to mean what, exactly?

you're offended by flowers now ? 🌺

I really want him to have been wrong when he corrected your use of ‘effectively’. Can you remember the whole sentence?

Having worked with plenty of white, male, privileged bellends over the years, I wouldn’t be welcoming another one into my life as a friend.

Did you ‘Skype, window?’ As demanded?

Men like this are like this because they’ve spent their entire lives trampling along mostly unchallenged and unchecked.

@WisnaeMe

Er, the flower is supposed to mean what, exactly?

you're offended by flowers now ? 🌺

No, not remotely. Just wondering if it's in place of a kiss, à la Netmums, or perhaps a biscuit?

@ThePricklySheep

I really want him to have been wrong when he corrected your use of ‘effectively’. Can you remember the whole sentence?

I was talking about having to get up early next Sunday and said it will effectively be 7am (because of the clocks going forward).

He said, "in effect".

As far as I'm aware they're pretty much synonymous, but I only have a silly lady brain, so what would I know?

@Cockenspiel

Having worked with plenty of white, male, privileged bellends over the years, I wouldn’t be welcoming another one into my life as a friend.

Did you ‘Skype, window?’ As demanded?

Men like this are like this because they’ve spent their entire lives trampling along mostly unchallenged and unchecked.

No, I bloody didn't!

you're not as his beck and call. Jog him on for a bit.

Why are you friends? You sound like a bloody nightmare. And anyone encouraging you is as ridiculous.

No, not remotely. Just wondering if it's in place of a kiss, à la Netmums, or perhaps a biscuit?

nope none of the above 🌺

I think he's doing your head in anyway. If you weren't already pissed off with him 'Skype window' might not have bothered you. Did you tell him how much he annoyed you over the privilege conversation? Because if you didn't, that's why he's now pissing you off so much.

(I totally get it the way and the more someone objects to you saying it the more they expose the privilege you're taking about, it's maddening).

@ThePlantsitter

I think he's doing your head in anyway. If you weren't already pissed off with him 'Skype window' might not have bothered you. Did you tell him how much he annoyed you over the privilege conversation? Because if you didn't, that's why he's now pissing you off so much.

(I totally get it the way and the more someone objects to you saying it the more they expose the privilege you're taking about, it's maddening).

Either that or the vast majority of people don't want every conversation to be about sexism or privilege and be railroaded by their so callednt friends. Imagine.

RootyT00t did the OP say every conversation? Must've missed it.

Anyway doesn't matter if you disagree with me or not. I certainly don't want to get into it with you I merely agreed with the op on that subject as an aside. My point was she was pissed off with him and didn't say so at the time.

@ThePlantsitter

I think he's doing your head in anyway. If you weren't already pissed off with him 'Skype window' might not have bothered you. Did you tell him how much he annoyed you over the privilege conversation? Because if you didn't, that's why he's now pissing you off so much.

(I totally get it the way and the more someone objects to you saying it the more they expose the privilege you're taking about, it's maddening).

It may have been obvious that it was pissing me off, but I didn't want to press the point and risk it becoming an argument - mainly as there didn't seem much point as I didn't think I was going to change his mind (much as his opinion irked me).

I think the "Skype window" comment may well have been an attempt to reassert his mail "authority", even if it was unconscious.