Pissed off with friend - AIBU?

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Had a bit of a heated discussion with a friend about a week ago. He won't concede that he gets any advantage from being a) white, b) male and c) straight, but, conversely has a massive chip on his shoulder about being working class (despite being about the most middle class person I know - went to a RG uni, lives in a fancy apartment in a nice part of SW London, listens to Radio 3/4, shops in Waitrose, works for a broadsheet, etc.).

Frankly I think he's a bit of a covert misogynist, although he does have his good points. He also corrected something I said (I used the word "effectively" which he corrected to "in effect").

He then sent me a message simply saying, "Skype window" (i.e. it suits me to have a Skype call at this very minute). I just answered with a question mark, to which he responded, "I think you know what I mean."

AIBU in being royally pissed off at being "summoned" in this way?

@Tamingofthehamster

I think I must be very shallow, as I’ve never had conversations with my friends when I’ve had to accuse them of having various priveliges. We just get on, chat, have fun and support each other.

Some of us aren’t that vacuous thankfully.

*22:42Cadent

Tamingofthehamster

I think I must be very shallow, as I’ve never had conversations with my friends when I’ve had to accuse them of having various priveliges. We just get on, chat, have fun and support each other.

Some of us aren’t that vacuous thankfully.*

I know, right?! How vacuous to support friends instead of just critcisng them to prove how 'woke' you are?! What a shit friend!

I’d rather be woke than a racist, pretentious twat.

Why does he need to concede to it, maybe he doesn't think he has had an advantage. Maybe he's had to work hard at school.and uni to get his job where he is now. surely an advantage is where you get everything handed to you on a plate..

Someone said this on here and I thought it was very wise. It applies to this man:

When you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

If you had that conversation with my white husband he would have been very annoyed too.
It's getting very tiring to hear white/male privilege. We can't help how we look.
It is tiring to hear that men get advantages just because they are white.
My husband's family were very poor. Had an outside toilet until my husband was 11. They lived in the northeast. Thru hard work we are comfortable now but absolutely nothing was given to him just because he is a white male.

You could say, though, @BlueJag, that a black boy or a white girl or a black girl would have been even less privileged in the same situation, couldn't you?

I don't think it's reasonable of you to use his supposed privileges as a stick to beat him with.
Being white is pretty normal in the UK. It doesn't, in general, give you an advantage in things like jobs, as most others are the same as you.
The "white privilege" thing is at population level. It doesn't necessarily apply to individuals. To bring it up just makes you sound like you are trying to downplay his achievements.

Yes it would probably be harder for an ethnic minority person to reach the same point. But that doesn't mean that your friend has personally benefitted at their expense.

You could say, though, @BlueJag, that a black boy or a white girl or a black girl would have been even less privileged in the same situation, couldn't you?

You could...but it risks descending into a 3 Yorkshire men sketch!

I think the term white privilege is not very intuitive. Ethnic minority disadvantage would be an easier concept.

..and a deaf blind illegal immigrant who was the victim of modern slavery would be even worse off, but what is the point of this line of discussion? If your friend has a broken leg do you tell them they are privileged because it could be an even worse injury?

but absolutely nothing was given to him just because he is a white male

But he’s never been beaten up for the colour of his skin has he? Which is an advantage in life .

you can go to RG uni shop in Waitrose listen to radio 4 and work at a broadsheet and still be working class , I don't think you understand the class system , it has nothing to do with your shopping habits or "nice" comfortable lifestyle it is based on your up bringing and birth status
I'm middle class ( if anyone gives a crap ) if I start working in a mine, get a whippet and drink brown ale .... I'm still middle class

He doesn't appreciate his privilege - lots of folk don't! That's the point, it's quite a new thing , I have a RG uni education and only just heard the phrase last year

Perphaps he intended Skype wnidow with a ? at the end?it sounds to me like a clumsy attempt to restart communication as he knew he had pissed you off. As for all that other stuff about class, uni etc is that really important between friends?

My dad is very middle/upper class, went to Oxford, had an extremely high up job in the legal profession, only reads the broadsheets and listens to radio 4, has gone off cheap freezer food and once told me I was an oik for enjoying Poundland. Insists he is working class, he grew up very deprived and it does leave a mark.
I do wonder why you care so much-everyone thinks they are hard done by, your friend, and you are no exception. The Skype ? Is rude, but if you have been friends for so long are you not used to it? It does seem you are looking for reasons to be pissed off with him.

@HollowTalk

You could say, though, *@BlueJag*, that a black boy or a white girl or a black girl would have been even less privileged in the same situation, couldn't you?

And?

My DH is recruit for a new member of his team. He has been told he needs to ensure he hires someone meeting the requirements from their diversity list . White, male - not on the list . He has been told this last 5 years. The only difference is wording on the diversity list. He cannot hire any white men (unless they’re transgender)

I'm guessing you know each other from University, have recently been back in touch and there is a fledgling relationship starting.

You have just noticed that he is pompous twat and are getting the ick?

How dreadful, he doesn't toe the party line, he has the audcaity to disagree with you! Good for him.

That some people have an inherent privilege that comes from skin colour, sex and class isn’t a party line, it is an incontrovertible fact.

@BlueJag

If you had that conversation with my white husband he would have been very annoyed too. It's getting very tiring to hear white/male privilege. We can't help how we look. It is tiring to hear that men get advantages just because they are white. My husband's family were very poor. Had an outside toilet until my husband was 11. They lived in the northeast. Thru hard work we are comfortable now but absolutely nothing was given to him just because he is a white male.

The ignorance on this thread would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.

Once again, at the route of this is a misunderstanding of the meaning of the word ‘privilege’ in this context. People think it means wealth, and obviously if that’s the meaning it makes no sense, as there are obviously white people and males who are not wealthy whereas there are people of colour and women who are wealthy.

However, that isn’t the point. It means that a white person isn’t disadvantaged due to the colour of their skin and a male isn’t disadvantaged due to his sex.

Obviously, a white male is doubly privileged, so a white male refusing to accept this would be very irritating, so I do understand why the OP is frustrated with her friend’s attitude.

If he didn't annoy you anyway this probably wouldn't have annoyed you as presumably you could just say no or more reply if it doesn't suit you?

So this is more about how you feel about him and the friendship generally.

I think his manner of asking if you fancied a zoom call was way off, I agree with this completely. I think your very personal attack on who he is, whilst supposedly being a close friend if yours, is rather shocking. But Im older, maybe its the modern way.

@MrsBobDylan

I'm guessing you know each other from University, have recently been back in touch and there is a fledgling relationship starting.

You have just noticed that he is pompous twat and are getting the ick?

No, none of that is the case. (Although he did suggest I might like to sleep with him a few months ago. I declined.)

@ElderMillennial

If he didn't annoy you anyway this probably wouldn't have annoyed you as presumably you could just say no or more reply if it doesn't suit you?

So this is more about how you feel about him and the friendship generally.

I agree.

@WisnaeMe

I think his manner of asking if you fancied a zoom call was way off, I agree with this completely. I think your very personal attack on who he is, whilst supposedly being a close friend if yours, is rather shocking. But Im older, maybe its the modern way.

It wasn't a personal attack at all. It was part of a wider conversation about Sarah Everard, BLM, Alex Salmond and various other things. At some point I said something about the privileged status of being a straight, white male, but he wouldn't have it.

Personally I think that sex, race, sexuality, class and a lot of other things (appearance, age, accent, weight, marital status, education...) will affect people's perceptions of you and, to a lesser or greater extent, how they treat you.

To deny that being in several privileged categories from the above list confers any advantage, while claiming that you suffer all the disadvantages of being in the disadvantaged group for another category seems rather blinkered to me.