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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit fed up with DP and his KFC...

87 replies

BeansOnToastWithCheese · 19/03/2021 15:49

Me and DP have been TTC for a long time, I finally got pregnant last year but it ended in a MMC. I had lost some weight before this, but am now committed to losing more before we TTC again to reduce the risk of another miscarriage (as much as possible - obviously losing weight is no guarantee). So, I'm counting calories, walking the dog for an extra hour a day and doing 40 mins of hard-ish cardio 4 times a week. It's working well (disclaimer - I'm also using Ozempic to help) and losing between 1/2 a stone and a stone a month. But...

I'm really sick of making such a big effort to lose weight and eat well while he doesn't do anything. I know my BMI is more important when it comes to TTC but he's overweight too and is going in the opposite direction to me. I just feel like I'm making ALL the effort and he's doing nothing.

He's just had a pizza delivered, and I feel bad about it but I lost my temper. To be clear - I didn't criticise him for eating the pizza - I just said how difficult it is to stay on track when he's getting that sort of thing delivered. A bit of moral support wouldn't go amiss, etc. I'm sure I'm just jealous that he doesn't need to do any work - it doesn't really matter what his BMI is - but, when I tried to get him to see if from my point of view he denied he'd find it irritating if our roles were reversed. I just don't believe him. So, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

BeansOnToastWithCheese · 19/03/2021 15:52

Ah, just realised that I've given away what he actually ordered in the thread name. Changed it to pizza in the thread to try and keep some plausible deniability in case he ever found the thread. Busted...

OP posts:

justchecking1 · 19/03/2021 15:58

If he's this unsupportive now over something as easy as food, how supportive will he be when the baby arrives?

thecatandthevicar · 19/03/2021 16:03

YANBU

he's being a twat. He doesn't have to join, but ordering and eating some junk food under your nose is mean.

LaceyBetty · 19/03/2021 16:08

I disagree that you are not BU. You made have the decision to get healthy, but he hasn't. I would be annoyed that he doesn't care about his own health, but not that he is sabotaging me. He is a grown up and can eat what he wants to in his own house and you have to exercise your own self control.

billy1966 · 19/03/2021 16:08

Really OP?

Who wants this baby?
He sounds selfish and unsupportive.

This is not the action of a kind, decent man.

He sounds like an absolute twat.

Have a good hard think about him.

This is who he is, he's showing you very clearly.

It certainly isn't the action of a man wanting to be a father.

LolaSmiles · 19/03/2021 16:08

As a one off then I'd let it lie. Some fast food in moderation isn't unreasonable.
As part of an overall pattern of regularly ordering take away, not making an effort to be active, not heating healthily then YANBU because that's showing no regard for his own health, your TTC process and your feelings.

thecatandthevicar · 19/03/2021 16:11

He is a grown up and can eat what he wants to in his own house and you have to exercise your own self control.

I completely disagree.

If he was smocking, it wouldn't be right to keep imposing the smoke on his partner who is trying to stop.

When you are in a relationship, you are supposed to SUPPORT each other.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/03/2021 16:20

This would annoy me. Maybe he has amazing willpower (doesn't sound like it) but the vast majority if people on a diet will find it hard to see someone eat junk infront of them, the vast majority of people not drinking will find it hard when people open a bottle of wine in front of them etc and its disingenuous of him to deny this (unless he really does completely lack empathy which is another issue in itself).

Also, studies increasingly show that male lifestyle (including weight) does have an impact on sperm quality and some genetic links to issues with children (eg overweight father more likely to conceive children who have issues with weight even if the father loses weight just before conception and accounting for lifestyle factors of the family etc). So it isnt all on you. If he is serious about having a child I'd suggest he try a bit harder to be healthy not just for support for you but for his own health (the time for junk food is when you have been up all night with a screaming new born and can't put them down to eat, I think its essential then!) and to set a good example to any future children

Brazilianut · 19/03/2021 16:27

I’d ask him to go eat it somewhere else if he must. It doesn’t help that these yucky foods are made to be addictive.

ScabbyHorse · 19/03/2021 16:30

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken is right, he should now be working on being a good role model for his future children, eating healthily is important when you're a parent.

Keha · 19/03/2021 16:33

I think it depends how often he does this and how in your face it is. My DP can eat what he likes without putting weight on and also has a lot of will power and will often come home with chocolate, sweets etc. This is a definite temptation for me if I'm trying to lose weight and I find it a bit annoying at times. However I don't feel I can demand he doesn't have sweets in the house. For me it is a long term thing, I am always going to have to resist sweets/chocolate more than him and I don't think I can expect him to limit his enjoyment of these forever. He tends to keep them upstairs next to his computer so they are less in my face. It also sounds like you are a bit frustrated that he is not committing to trying to improve his health like you are, which is a reasonable thing to feel.

Tal45 · 19/03/2021 16:33

Have you asked him to support you and to cut back on the junk food OP? Maybe that would be the way to go. A quick google suggests overweight and obese men's sperm are poorer quality so I think it's definitely worth him joining in with you. xxx

ChampagneWorries · 19/03/2021 16:33

Dh is on a diet and is policing everything i eat. Its irritating, i decide when to lose weight not him!

Hes counting the calories in my food and comparing it to his etc

He asks me to weigh myself at the same time as him and he writes it down etc.

When i lived with my parents and went on a diet the family werent expected to change their eating habits. I ate what i wanted to and so did they.

GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 16:35

Some of the replies here are so mumsnet. It's Friday evening, lots of people get takeaway for their dinner, it's not the end of the world. It certainly doesn't mean he doesn't want a baby, will be a terrible role model for your child or you should LTB

juneybean · 19/03/2021 16:39

Actually him being overweight can affect fertility, he should support you in losing weight as you both want a baby. But the odd takeaway isn't the end of the world.

BigPaperBag · 19/03/2021 16:41

He should definitely be supporting you. I’ve got a lot less weight to lose than DH and could afford the odd takeaway whilst still staying on track. However, I don’t because I don’t want to tempt him and I want us to work on our weight loss as a team.

Rosieposy89 · 19/03/2021 16:42

Sorry about your MMC. I think YABU because I don't think its your place to police his eating. I think there are more important things like ensuring he is taking vitamins and limiting alcohol. I had to lose weight for IVF and didn't expect my partner to change his diet as it wasn't advised for him. He shouldn't really eat it around you if it's bothering you.

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2021 16:43

I think yabu as well. Do you both really want to have children?

thecatandthevicar · 19/03/2021 16:43

@GreenSlide

You have very low standards or a very poor attitude

it's not about getting your Friday take away, it's about being an inconsiderate twat to your partner.

Normal people don't do that. I pity you if you have never been in a decent relationship.

YoniAndGuy · 19/03/2021 17:08

Bit of an insight into how much this guy is going to see 'his responsibilities' and help you carry the emotional load and be part of your team, when/if you do have a child.

ParadiseIsland · 19/03/2021 17:10

@GreenSlide

Actually his weight also has an impact on fertility and the risk of miscarriage. Women are not solely responsible (or is to blame?) for miscarriage and infertility.

And that’s wo talking about supporting your partner.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 17:10

@billy1966

Really OP?

Who wants this baby?
He sounds selfish and unsupportive.

This is not the action of a kind, decent man.

He sounds like an absolute twat.

Have a good hard think about him.

This is who he is, he's showing you very clearly.

It certainly isn't the action of a man wanting to be a father.

Utterly amazing post 🤪. What does "who wants this baby" even mean? Eating a pizza won't affect proceedings in the slightest, even if it was op eating it. Pure and utter nonsense.

minipie · 19/03/2021 17:31

I can’t imagine ordering a takeaway that my partner couldn’t share.

SoWhyNot · 19/03/2021 17:34

I would guess that the hurt from your MMC and frustration at not conceiving yet is being directed at your partner.

I really hope you get pregnant soon.

GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 17:47

'You have very low standards or a very poor attitude

it's not about getting your Friday take away, it's about being an inconsiderate twat to your partner.

Normal people don't do that. I pity you if you have never been in a decent relationship.'

Yes that's a normal conclusion to draw from my post

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