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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit fed up with DP and his KFC...

87 replies

BeansOnToastWithCheese · 19/03/2021 15:49

Me and DP have been TTC for a long time, I finally got pregnant last year but it ended in a MMC. I had lost some weight before this, but am now committed to losing more before we TTC again to reduce the risk of another miscarriage (as much as possible - obviously losing weight is no guarantee). So, I'm counting calories, walking the dog for an extra hour a day and doing 40 mins of hard-ish cardio 4 times a week. It's working well (disclaimer - I'm also using Ozempic to help) and losing between 1/2 a stone and a stone a month. But...

I'm really sick of making such a big effort to lose weight and eat well while he doesn't do anything. I know my BMI is more important when it comes to TTC but he's overweight too and is going in the opposite direction to me. I just feel like I'm making ALL the effort and he's doing nothing.

He's just had a pizza delivered, and I feel bad about it but I lost my temper. To be clear - I didn't criticise him for eating the pizza - I just said how difficult it is to stay on track when he's getting that sort of thing delivered. A bit of moral support wouldn't go amiss, etc. I'm sure I'm just jealous that he doesn't need to do any work - it doesn't really matter what his BMI is - but, when I tried to get him to see if from my point of view he denied he'd find it irritating if our roles were reversed. I just don't believe him. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 19:16

@Bluntness100

Oh please. Women are expected to eat healthy and not drink in pregnancy but men can't survive without fried chicken because they're "entitled to"?

I’m sure they can survive. Personally I’d never dream of forcing my husband to eat how I dictate, pregnant or otherwise. Or anyone else. For me, food and diet is a personal choice. And should remain that way.

So we will agree to disagree. You do you and I’ll do me.

But he can still eat whatever he wants. But surely the considerate thing to do would be to go on a walk/to a drive though if he really can't bloody live without fried chicken?

Everything is personal choice but why do women have to give up so much for a child BOTH parties want and men can't even have the ounce of decency to be considerate?

It's like saying you would down a bottle of wine in front of an alcoholic because it's your personal choice. It is, but why choose to be a twat?

1forAll74 · 19/03/2021 19:17

I can't understand why he doesn't want to get a bit fitter,along with you, instead of eating all this horrible takeaway junk stuff, as it won't do him any good in the long run.

dontsaveusername · 19/03/2021 19:27

I am married to a feeder. He is always buying me chocolates and flowers, and regularly orders takeaways. I am desperate to lose my lockdown lard but I am sabotaged by him and his buying habits. he also buys the kids a ton of sweets, which I end up eating too. I have spoken to him a zillion times and he doesnt listen. Especially annoying as he recently went back to work instead of wfh and lost half a stone immediately. I can't lose a lb.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 19:30

I just don’t see it as inconsiderate. He’s already not eating chocolate in front of her, to say if he wants some junk he has to leave the house and eat it is too much for me.

I don’t get the whole martyr women give up so much to be pregnant. I gave up booze and fags that was it. And I wanted to be pregnant, it was noth our choice, I was not forced into it. I was happy to give up booze and fags. I didn’t give a shit if my husband drank, I couldn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t.

I simply don’t get the “if I can’t do it, you can’t either, I’m giving up oh so much to give you a child mentality, so you need to suffer along with me”

Original poster
BeansOnToastWithCheese · 19/03/2021 19:38

Jesus @Bluntness100 do give it a rest. I'm delighted that giving up booze and fags was all it took for you - clearly you're a shining example to the rest of us. All that willpower! No neediness! Such self-control!

Now off you pop to polish your halo and leave the rest of us mere mortals to our foibles.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 19:41

@Bluntness100

I just don’t see it as inconsiderate. He’s already not eating chocolate in front of her, to say if he wants some junk he has to leave the house and eat it is too much for me.

I don’t get the whole martyr women give up so much to be pregnant. I gave up booze and fags that was it. And I wanted to be pregnant, it was noth our choice, I was not forced into it. I was happy to give up booze and fags. I didn’t give a shit if my husband drank, I couldn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t.

I simply don’t get the “if I can’t do it, you can’t either, I’m giving up oh so much to give you a child mentality, so you need to suffer along with me”

Yes, all of this. The does he even want a baby stuff because he ate food on op's banned list is downright peculiar, no matter how many posters rant on about decency and consideration, and this is not the action of a man who wants to be a father (!) is downright insane.
Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 19:56

@Bluntness100

I just don’t see it as inconsiderate. He’s already not eating chocolate in front of her, to say if he wants some junk he has to leave the house and eat it is too much for me.

I don’t get the whole martyr women give up so much to be pregnant. I gave up booze and fags that was it. And I wanted to be pregnant, it was noth our choice, I was not forced into it. I was happy to give up booze and fags. I didn’t give a shit if my husband drank, I couldn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t.

I simply don’t get the “if I can’t do it, you can’t either, I’m giving up oh so much to give you a child mentality, so you need to suffer along with me”

Yeah it was your choice. As in both of you?

But it's too much to ask that your partner is considerate to achieve that common goal you have?

Some people actually really struggle with the mentality of loosing weight (hence why eating disorders exist and are so common), have you considered that at all?

Surely describing giving up fried chicken as suffering is the part that's really OTT in this conversation. He can live without junk food for a few months.

God this is why women raise sons who then go on to being terrible life partners. Because things like their junk food takes precedence over supporting their partner on a difficult journey (weightloss and pregnancy).

Stop. Accommodating. Men. Being. Useless.

And doing the bare minimum every bloody day.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 19:58

Eating. Chicken. Does. Not. Make. Men. Useless

Sausageroll67 · 19/03/2021 20:00

This thread is hilarious 😂😂😂

Although I am sorry for your MMC OP.

Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 20:02

@GreyhoundG1rl

Eating. Chicken. Does. Not. Make. Men. Useless
Not being able to not eat chicken for a few months does though. Head straight to the point and you managed to miss it, congratulations :)
HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/03/2021 20:03

@BeansOnToastWithCheese so agree a night when you go somewhere else whilst he's eating what he wants in his home.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 20:06

I haven't missed any point. I just don't agree with your point.

ShaneTheThird · 19/03/2021 20:07

I mean studies show overweight men and men who drink and smoke do have compromised sperm so i am sick to death of the bullshit that men dont think they need to change their lifestyles to ttc.

And yes as an adult he can eat what he wants. Still makes him a twat when he knows his partner is serious about weightloss to conceive their joint child.

Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 20:09

@GreyhoundG1rl

I haven't missed any point. I just don't agree with your point.
Look, if your partner doesn't care enough about you to not have kfc just say so.

Anyone in a loving relationship where there's mutual respect and consideration will not be able to agree that someone's fried chicken craving is more important than a really big deal which is the journey of having a child together.

It's not about the food, it's about being supportive and food is such a tiny thing that can be a nice supportive gesture. I hope one day you find a partner who is considerate and doesn't make the thought of giving up junk food for a while satire to you x

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 20:17

Look, if your partner doesn't care enough about you to not have kfc just say so.
What an incredibly strange inference.

billy1966 · 19/03/2021 20:21

So many types of relationships.

Just asked my DH of a long time has said he wouldn't dresm of doing this and hevwould imagine most men would do this outside the home.
Flowers

GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 20:23

@GreyhoundG1rl

Your post is a pile of steaming horseshit, sorry. Oh, and completely wrong on all levels. Sad life, my arse.

I have never seen anything like that posters comments before, extremely odd.

Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 20:24

@GreyhoundG1rl

Look, if your partner doesn't care enough about you to not have kfc just say so. What an incredibly strange inference.
Just because it's strange doesn't make it untrue but it seems like you struggle to respond to full posts or respond sensibly so let's leave it at that x
GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 20:24

And @Sunflowers095 adding the little 'x' to nasty personal comments. Is everyone on the Wine already or what Hmm

Sunflowers095 · 19/03/2021 20:27

@GreenSlide

And *@Sunflowers095* adding the little 'x' to nasty personal comments. Is everyone on the Wine already or what Hmm
Ah yes saying op's genuine concern is satire isn't mean though? I assumed if some posters give out tough love they'll enjoy getting it back, no?

Or is it just a one way street?

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/03/2021 20:27

But it is untrue, Sunflowers 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know this, you don't.

delilahbucket · 19/03/2021 20:34

We still had takeaways when I was losing weight. You can't deny yourself everything, just in moderation and adjust the rest of the week. If he would like a KFC, get a rice box. Pizza? Just a slice or two and have a salad on the side. Chinese? Something with a plain and none sweet sauce, half the portion and half the plain rice on the side. Indian? Tomato based sauce, plain rice, again half portions. You just need to plan for it. Life isn't always going to be diet food. What if you get invited out for a meal? Will you say no because you're dieting? No, you just make healthy choices.

Cam2020 · 19/03/2021 20:34

I'd find the lack of support upsetting since your efforts are for a (presumably) common goal.

The problem with food addiction though (no, I'm not being a MN drama queen, OP mentioned he's already overweight and getting larger), is that you have to be on the right place to tackle it. Wanting a baby has put you on that place, but obviously not your DP. I'd be disappointed that's not enough to spur him on too in your situation.

Try to focus on the overall benefits of you losing weight and being healthy to you personally and congratulate yourself on your restraint with a non food related treat when your DP has something tempting.

GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 20:34

@Sunflowers095 I didn't see @GreyhoundG1rl making stuff up about you and your partner, and you're the one telling everyone who doesn't agree with you that they're enabling men to be useless. So its hardly a one way street. If you're going to get personal about posters who are just giving their opinion, as OP invited them to do, then don't act all innocent when you're called out.

Cam2020 · 19/03/2021 20:36

We still had takeaways when I was losing weight. You can't deny yourself everything, just in moderation and adjust the rest of the week. If he would like a KFC, get a rice box. Pizza? Just a slice or two and have a salad on the side. Chinese? Something with a plain and none sweet sauce, half the portion and half the plain rice on the side. Indian? Tomato based sauce, plain rice, again half portions. You just need to plan for it. Life isn't always going to be diet food. What if you get invited out for a meal? Will you say no because you're dieting? No, you just make healthy choices.

Not helpful when you're in the phase of not trusting yourself to moderate how much you have! Some people need to avoid completely, you'd never tell an alcoholic to just have 'one' and you'll be fine! Depends on the person's mindset!

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