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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being selfish?

94 replies

Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 09:58

Myself dd and partner are moving, only 30 mins away but closer to my family. In the past I've had a really strained relationship with partners mum, I have to be really careful sometimes with what I I say as she likes to turn it around on people being horrible to her and takes an offence easily.
I have asked partner if we could possibly move in and invite them over the next day to see the house ( obviously if covid allows us ) rather then them being involved and coming whilst we haven't got through the door ourselves. Now I probably sound really petty but here are just a few of my reasons for wanting it this way-
When we first brought the home we're in now we had them come and collect the keys with us and instead of going into our new home ( our first family home I was pregnant ) alone and feeling special about it we had them in tow right behind us, I mean heavily involved, his mum can take over quite abit even his dad was saying it's your home too to me, I did feel quite pushed out if I'm honest.
Then when dd was born I tried to include his mum and said to my mum to let her know as soon as baby was coming so she could come and be part of it - well she turned up sobbing because she had fallen out with someone and made it about herself.
Our first Xmas in our new home with our 9 week baby she completely ruined because we wanted to have it at home instead of at her house, my first Mother's Day she made a huge fuss about going out cuz it was Mother's Day etc came round and didn't say anything to me about it being my first Mother's Day it was all about herself.
I haven't felt like this has been home ( another reason we are moving ) because I have felt so pushed out by his mum, if we we're taking about what we were thinking of changing about this house she would turn her back and ignore what I was saying or completely disagree and say to do the opposite, these are a few reasons why I just wanted to get settled in and sorted before the taking over begins, partner isn't too happy and says they should come over the same day but I really feel they should come the next day to give us a bit of time and space. After all we are moving for a fresh start. Am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

OP posts:
PlanetPuddle · 17/03/2021 10:16

I think I'd feel the same, I'd want a day where it was just us so I can unpack a few bits and take in my new home.

PlanetPuddle · 17/03/2021 10:16

And that's without having any issues with my inlaws.

Easterbunnygettingready · 17/03/2021 10:18

Will 30 mins away be far enough?

bookworm34 · 17/03/2021 10:21

I don't blame you, I'd cut their contact down to once a month if that also.

KitchenFairy · 17/03/2021 10:22

Every time we’ve moved we’ve told family “give us a few days to get sorted and we’ll have you over at the weekend for a coffee”.

When are you moving? You might want to keep your fingers crossed that covid restrictions are still in place when you do!

purpleboy · 17/03/2021 10:23

@Easterbunnygettingready

Will 30 mins away be far enough?
Grin I was thinking the same
Weirdfan · 17/03/2021 10:25

I think if you don't want the new house to end up feeling the same (not really yours) as the old one now is probably the time to lay down some boundaries. Have you ever explained fully to your DP how his family have made you feel? You need him onside really or it's going to be hard to stand up to them on your own, you need to be a united front.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/03/2021 10:26

Ask him what he will be doing that day?

Entertaining his parents or moving house?

That's it! It doesn't have to be about your relationship with his mother. It's the day you are moving, packing, unpacking, dealing with the upheaval, stroppy/over tired child, stuff that goes missing. NOBODY needs visitors in the middle of all of that!

His choice... but he'd best be certain Smile

Pantsinthewash · 17/03/2021 10:27

Gosh, she sounds too much, to be honest! Of course it's not unreasonable for you to want a bit of space when you arrive at your new home. I think even inviting her over the day after would be pushing it for me. I have adult sons and wouldn't dream of behaving as your Mil has done. I think you and your husband need to be very firm and clear about your wishes and expectations for moving day and generally going forward with key events like Mother's Day. Your Mil has had years of being centre stage as a mum and she needs to understand that you have a need and a right to space and to create your own traditions. It will be a big change from what she has been used to and feels entitled to, but it needs to be done. What does your husband feel?

PurBal · 17/03/2021 10:39

We're moving into storage so won't move in on day of completion which means DH and I will be able to go to the house alone and do a recce beforehand, maybe you could do the same?

FWIW My mum is like this. I really really don't want her to help but she is actually quite good at packing and she keeps us motivated and the momentum going. Also pregnant so can't help DH very much. We decided she could help (don't look a gift horse in the mouth etc) but she's just taking more and more. And we actually don't know where some of our stuff is. We're moving into a bigger place and currently have multipurpose rooms and she's just packed stuff up in a bit of a jumble (imo). It's quite unlike her to be honest. Eg we have stuff for the study and stuff for the dining room in the same box, it's going to be a nightmare to unpack given that in the new house they'll be on different floors. We've been doing it over a few weeks and she packed some wall filler, so we bought more, only for her to pack the new tub the next weekend; so we need to buy yet more... just living in a constant state of wtf atm.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 10:43

Partner says he sees no wrong in them coming the same day and is happy for them to come same day and that we are moving forward and should leave the past in the past and move on

OP posts:
Ineedcoffee2021 · 17/03/2021 10:43

@Easterbunnygettingready

Will 30 mins away be far enough?
Was thinking the same You need to move cross country
welshladywhois40 · 17/03/2021 10:48

Moving house is so stressful and hard work on the actual move day why would you want extra people involved unless they can help.

How old is your daughter? Could they help by looking after her for the day and thus keeping them busy and out of the way?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/03/2021 10:48

Moving house is busy, stressful and exhausting in itself, let alone having to entertain visitors. Stick to your guns and give yourself a few days to settle in. It's your house. Time to put your foot down a bit.

You are NOT being selfish.

katy1213 · 17/03/2021 10:48

Your real problem is a man who needs his mummy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/03/2021 10:48

@welshladywhois40 great idea; ask them to babysit.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 17/03/2021 10:50

You're not being selfish at all! We didn't have people over for a good few days as we wanted to clean and unpack!

Callixte · 17/03/2021 10:57

Not at all selfish.

If this is a situation where they've offered to help with the move and your H has unthinkingly said yes, then it probably would be awkward for him to change his mind. (I like welshladywhois40's suggestion about asking them to look after/entertain your daughter, if she's still young enough to need it.) If they're coming to be entertained, though, that's going to be stressful for you on top of the stress of moving which is a lot. I'd want a few days off after the move.

TaraR2020 · 17/03/2021 11:07

YANBU x 3

This is more than just moving house, this is about asserting healthy boundaries and your partner needs to be fully on board with this.

I wouldn't consider having them over in the 1st week let alone the next (or same!) day!

You need to establish stronger boundaries between your lives and theirs which go beyond simply moving home, otherwise I'll tell you now - nothing is going to change.

Don't give them spare keys will you?

FeistySheep · 17/03/2021 11:14

Partner needs to put your wants in front of his family's. You and DC come first, then them. That is how most families work.

It doesn't matter how lovely (or not) your ILs are, you don't need to live in each other's pockets. If me and DH moved house, we might ask them for help, but if we didn't need their help they definitely wouldn't expect to be visiting that very day - they'd give us a chance to move in first like any decent people.

I think that it's your DP's boundaries with his parents that is the issue here. It's not really to do with your MIL being evil as such (and she does sound really evil). Even wonderful parents should not be living your whole life with you. Has he never really flown the nest?

StCharlotte · 17/03/2021 11:31

I think that's readonable but you must say the same to your own family. You can't give DP's Mum (or DP) any ammo.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 11:40

When I approached the subject he snapped and said " well I dont want anyone over then, nobody can come over " then threatened to cancel the whole move/sale ! And told me I'm making it all what I want, I've only asked for one thing and that was for it to be for us to have that moment not him and his mum.

As for her having dd I can't trust her as awful as that sounds, she doesn't respect me and doesn't listen and understand that dd has several allergies so I'd be on edge all day worrying she's being given something she can't have because his mum doesn't listen to me.
She also forced herself and her dog over when dd was a baby when I said I didn't want dd near their dog as she has tendencies to snap, she waltzed in the house with the dog and completely ignored my wishes, and he allowed it too!

Also it's his house, completely his, I'm not on the deeds or mortgage so can I still put my foot down ? Or haven't really got a leg to stand on ?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 11:44

Well that last post makes a huge difference - you are in a terrible financial situation if it's his home and you're not on the mortgage.

Did you stop work or go part time when your DC was born?

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 11:46

Yes but due to go back in the next few months once she starts nursery

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 17/03/2021 11:46

If covid is over take yourself and dd to a mate's house. Let them do the move!!

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