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AIBU?

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Original poster

am I being selfish?

94 replies

Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 09:58

Myself dd and partner are moving, only 30 mins away but closer to my family. In the past I've had a really strained relationship with partners mum, I have to be really careful sometimes with what I I say as she likes to turn it around on people being horrible to her and takes an offence easily.
I have asked partner if we could possibly move in and invite them over the next day to see the house ( obviously if covid allows us ) rather then them being involved and coming whilst we haven't got through the door ourselves. Now I probably sound really petty but here are just a few of my reasons for wanting it this way-
When we first brought the home we're in now we had them come and collect the keys with us and instead of going into our new home ( our first family home I was pregnant ) alone and feeling special about it we had them in tow right behind us, I mean heavily involved, his mum can take over quite abit even his dad was saying it's your home too to me, I did feel quite pushed out if I'm honest.
Then when dd was born I tried to include his mum and said to my mum to let her know as soon as baby was coming so she could come and be part of it - well she turned up sobbing because she had fallen out with someone and made it about herself.
Our first Xmas in our new home with our 9 week baby she completely ruined because we wanted to have it at home instead of at her house, my first Mother's Day she made a huge fuss about going out cuz it was Mother's Day etc came round and didn't say anything to me about it being my first Mother's Day it was all about herself.
I haven't felt like this has been home ( another reason we are moving ) because I have felt so pushed out by his mum, if we we're taking about what we were thinking of changing about this house she would turn her back and ignore what I was saying or completely disagree and say to do the opposite, these are a few reasons why I just wanted to get settled in and sorted before the taking over begins, partner isn't too happy and says they should come over the same day but I really feel they should come the next day to give us a bit of time and space. After all we are moving for a fresh start. Am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 17/03/2021 21:02

I’d be seriously considering if I wanted to cut my losses at this point op. It really seems like you’re just going to be moving your problems to another location. Especially with his cancel the sale threat 🙄

Suzi888 · 17/03/2021 21:07

“Also it's his house, completely his, I'm not on the deeds or mortgage”

I’d be more concerned about that ^^

But YANBU I’d want a few days at least to sort myself out. But as you say, it’s not your house and it your decision by the sounds of itSad.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 21/03/2021 23:14

His parents are considering buying a house in the same town we are moving to!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 22/03/2021 08:40

I know I can't tell them where to move to but just feel really miffed this was supposed to be our fresh start

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 22/03/2021 08:50

It’s petty. If the same rule applies to your own family, then maybe you have a point, but if not, then it’s just being petty and a bit spiteful.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 22/03/2021 09:15

Petty? I've been bullied by this woman for years, it's made me so unwell

OP posts:
mara456 · 22/03/2021 09:29

So so bizarre to have anyone over to your house the DAY you move in! Sounds awful. Unless they're really helping (e.g. moving boxes/furniture/cleaning for you/driving a van) and you want them there, then they don't need to be there. Much more normal to invite family over after a few days after you've got settled.

Why would anyone want to visit someone in the middle of their moving day!?

It sounds like your partner is far too enmeshed with his mother. If he can't un-mesh himself and put your feelings first, it sounds like the relationship is over, but it seems like you've realised this already.

MixedUpFiles · 22/03/2021 09:51

I would never host visitors on moving day

I also can’t fathom raising a child with this particular legal and financial arrangement. For starters, you have less money to invest in a house because you are caring for his child. He has to compensate you for that. One simple way to do that and avoid a power imbalance would be make you 50/50 owners of the home despite home providing the deposit.

PerveenMistry · 22/03/2021 11:10

I think you need to move on from this entire family and relationship, and become self-supporting. They sound extremely toxic.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2021 11:30

@Chocolateicelolly

Partner says he sees no wrong in them coming the same day and is happy for them to come same day and that we are moving forward and should leave the past in the past and move on
Easy for him to say.

He's not listening to you. So yet again, it's a DH problem.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2021 11:31

Hang on! You're not married, you're not on the mortgage or deeds?

Your MiL is definitely not the problem here.

hardboiledeggs · 22/03/2021 11:45

Only if they are willing to help with the move Grin

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 22/03/2021 12:22

My DS and DIL are moving house in the next few weeks Into what they hope will be their forever home) and frankly I wouldn’t want to visit for at least a couple of weeks until they’re sorted. I’d feel terribly in the way and I don’t like mess!

Mischance · 22/03/2021 12:27

Good grief! - why in heaven's name should they come over on the first day? Sounds to me as if you are not moving far enough away!!!! What a silly woman! And what a bollock-free OH !!!

PicaK · 22/03/2021 12:28

Get out. Hell never change. It makes you ill.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/03/2021 12:46

Forget the move - start looking at rentals for you and dd!

Does your husband really think that it is more important for his mother to view someone else's house than for his own wife to want to get organised in her new home?

Moving is stressful enough!
And even the next day is too soon!

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 22/03/2021 14:47

Partner says he doesn't have a problem if she comes the same day and doesn't see in an issue in anything she does

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 22/03/2021 14:53

Oh my love I don't think this relationship is going to work out.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 22/03/2021 21:10

I don't think I'd cope if they moved just down the road. I would be on edge constantly, my life wouldn't be my own, it's always been what he and his mum wants

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/03/2021 21:50

I don't really understand why you are moving house for a fresh start while your husband is still happy to let his mum act however she want and apparently stands back and watches while she bullies you. That's not a fresh start. That's same shit, different house. I don't think putting your foot down or finding a way to stop them coming over will help anything. The issue here is your partner, in general, not getting or not caring how his mum makes you feel, and even if she doesn't come round on moving day, do you think that will all change?

MadMadMadamMim · 22/03/2021 21:56

Your problems are bigger than your MIL or your house move.

If you aren't married, aren't on the mortgage, don't get any say in your house and he overrides your wishes and prioritises his mother I think I'd be ending the relationship.

He sounds pretty dreadful as a partner to be honest.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 23/03/2021 20:07

Thought I'd come on and update - they are moving 10 minutes down the road from our new house.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 23/03/2021 20:09

You need blinds and a good lock. And practice pretending you aren't in...

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 23/03/2021 20:10

A huge part of the reason we are moving is to put a bit of distance between us just feel like they will just following and are ruining my life at the moment

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/03/2021 20:14

@Chocolateicelolly

A huge part of the reason we are moving is to put a bit of distance between us just feel like they will just following and are ruining my life at the moment
Do you really want to be a permeant part of this family? It won't get better...
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