am I being selfish?

[Chocolateicelolly]

Myself dd and partner are moving, only 30 mins away but closer to my family. In the past I've had a really strained relationship with partners mum, I have to be really careful sometimes with what I I say as she likes to turn it around on people being horrible to her and takes an offence easily.
I have asked partner if we could possibly move in and invite them over the next day to see the house ( obviously if covid allows us ) rather then them being involved and coming whilst we haven't got through the door ourselves. Now I probably sound really petty but here are just a few of my reasons for wanting it this way-
When we first brought the home we're in now we had them come and collect the keys with us and instead of going into our new home ( our first family home I was pregnant ) alone and feeling special about it we had them in tow right behind us, I mean heavily involved, his mum can take over quite abit even his dad was saying it's your home too to me, I did feel quite pushed out if I'm honest.
Then when dd was born I tried to include his mum and said to my mum to let her know as soon as baby was coming so she could come and be part of it - well she turned up sobbing because she had fallen out with someone and made it about herself.
Our first Xmas in our new home with our 9 week baby she completely ruined because we wanted to have it at home instead of at her house, my first Mother's Day she made a huge fuss about going out cuz it was Mother's Day etc came round and didn't say anything to me about it being my first Mother's Day it was all about herself.
I haven't felt like this has been home ( another reason we are moving ) because I have felt so pushed out by his mum, if we we're taking about what we were thinking of changing about this house she would turn her back and ignore what I was saying or completely disagree and say to do the opposite, these are a few reasons why I just wanted to get settled in and sorted before the taking over begins, partner isn't too happy and says they should come over the same day but I really feel they should come the next day to give us a bit of time and space. After all we are moving for a fresh start. Am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

@Chocolateicelolly

A huge part of the reason we are moving is to put a bit of distance between us just feel like they will just following and are ruining my life at the moment

This is so massively unhealthy. You really need to leave this relationship because it'll be them and husband against you forever. You won't win this battle, especially not when they keep following you around like this.

I'd be using that option to rent your own home now. Your partner's priority is his mother. You don't own the new house. You have no say on who comes to it, or when. You desperately wanted some space from his mother but she's going to follow you. It sounds miserable OP.

Jesus Christ. Get out now!

I thought other posters would say I was being really silly 😳

Or I am crazy 🙈

The only way you're being 'silly' OP, is if you decide to carry on with moving into a new home with HIM! As a previous poster said, the whole family are toxic, and if you didn't feel you could set boundaries with him and his mother at the start, NOTHING is going to change now, the pattern has been set.

Let him move to HIS new house, and you move to YOURS with your little one, perhaps nearer your own parents if that would make things easier for you, but please don't continue to allow yourself to be bullied by this tyrant and his mother.

Oh, and personally, I wouldn't even tell him I was going, just take the opportunity to move when he's not around, so that he doesn't persuade you to stay with promises which will come to nothing.

Be strong! You can do this!

You have a DP problem i'm afraid my lovely.

It doesn't sound like he will ever take on board what you are saying (and no you are not being silly or petty or anything else, you have very valid points!), you may find that this will become a theme from here on out where he will never take your side.

FFS you can't even trust his mum to not poison your baby or keep the dog away!

Aside from that is the fact that you are not on the mortgage or married, a man who loves, respects and cares for your and your babies wellbeing wouldn't do any of the things he has been doing and you'd have a stake in the house and would be married surely.

Sounds like a thoroughly shit existence if this is how it will be for you. If he won't change his attitude, I'd seriously consider getting out of this relationship now

YANBU, op. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like your fresh start is going to be what you'd hoped. You and your partner need to be on the same wavelength for the relationship to have a chance. If he's unwilling to look at things from your point of view, he's not even trying.

You poor woman.

Horrible disrespectful father of your child.
His mother the same.

You sound bullied and harassed.

You need to get away from them all.

Please talk to your family.
Move on your own close to THEM.

Get the hell away from him and his family.

Your life will NEVER, EVER get better.

Thankyou for your lovely replies, this has been going on for years, if I don't do what they want I'm treated so differently, partner says I haven't been bullied he says his mum has been selfish at times but defo not a bully. I feel so suffercated at the moment

If you stay with him, this is the life you are choosing.

You are completely ganged up upon.

Your child will grow up to see you treated like shit, a total doormat to your awful partner and his horrible family.

Get out now, while you have a chance.

Contact your family and froends for support.

Run far away from your awful partner op before he and his mother destroy you and dd.

Thankyou for your lovely replies I've really struggled the past few days, it helps to talk to people it makes me feel more normal and human and not so under what they want all the time xx

This sounds like an awful situation - it's clear your OP values his mother over you and this is not how it should be. Yours and DD's DD's needs should come first and hes ignoring them. He's made you very vulnerable here by not having you on the dead or the mortgage. You would have nothing to lose and everything to gain if you just moved out with DD somewhere else. You're not crazy, they're crazy expecting to visit on the day you move in , in the chaos of the dust and boxes. I honestly wish I could and have a go at your DP and MIL for being like this! Please talk to someone you are close to Mum/friend a d get some support for this situation and have a think about your future. All the best.

*deeds

a day? I'd want a couple of months

I think you are being extremely fair and I would dig my heels in on this one. Sounds like a clear line needs to be drawn.

having now read all your posts I'd be moving but it wouldn't be with anyone from this family. Sorry, OP, you need to look out for yourself, nobody else is

Selfish is enough of a reason! It's your home and that's that!

Does your partner want to spend the first night on the sofa?

I would just say it's not open for discussion anymore and that you respect his parents and are looking forward to welcoming them at a time more comfortable for you.