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Original poster

am I being selfish?

94 replies

Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 09:58

Myself dd and partner are moving, only 30 mins away but closer to my family. In the past I've had a really strained relationship with partners mum, I have to be really careful sometimes with what I I say as she likes to turn it around on people being horrible to her and takes an offence easily.
I have asked partner if we could possibly move in and invite them over the next day to see the house ( obviously if covid allows us ) rather then them being involved and coming whilst we haven't got through the door ourselves. Now I probably sound really petty but here are just a few of my reasons for wanting it this way-
When we first brought the home we're in now we had them come and collect the keys with us and instead of going into our new home ( our first family home I was pregnant ) alone and feeling special about it we had them in tow right behind us, I mean heavily involved, his mum can take over quite abit even his dad was saying it's your home too to me, I did feel quite pushed out if I'm honest.
Then when dd was born I tried to include his mum and said to my mum to let her know as soon as baby was coming so she could come and be part of it - well she turned up sobbing because she had fallen out with someone and made it about herself.
Our first Xmas in our new home with our 9 week baby she completely ruined because we wanted to have it at home instead of at her house, my first Mother's Day she made a huge fuss about going out cuz it was Mother's Day etc came round and didn't say anything to me about it being my first Mother's Day it was all about herself.
I haven't felt like this has been home ( another reason we are moving ) because I have felt so pushed out by his mum, if we we're taking about what we were thinking of changing about this house she would turn her back and ignore what I was saying or completely disagree and say to do the opposite, these are a few reasons why I just wanted to get settled in and sorted before the taking over begins, partner isn't too happy and says they should come over the same day but I really feel they should come the next day to give us a bit of time and space. After all we are moving for a fresh start. Am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Usagi12 · 17/03/2021 11:46

Can you give them some jobs to do for you away from the house? Or just be honest and put your foot down. Great your partner doesn't have an issue with it but you do so say no. Or have your own parents come as well for backup, he may change his mind at having both sets of parents over. Tell him it's all or none of them.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 11:49

I could give them jobs but I'd rather they just came over after we've got settled, it's supposed to be a fresh start and we wouldn't need a fresh start if she hadn't started with the drama in the first place, they will take over and I'll be pushed out again which is probably one of the reasons why it didn't work where we live now, it's never felt like home

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 17/03/2021 11:51

Also it's his house, completely his, I'm not on the deeds or mortgage

That's a very vulnerable position for you OP, what happens if he decides to kick you out?

PerveenMistry · 17/03/2021 11:55

Your husband needs to decide who is his priority, you or his mother.

Easterbunnygettingready · 17/03/2021 11:56

You need to be in the deeds op...

FeistySheep · 17/03/2021 11:57

Oh dear OP, if it's his house and you're not married, you're just living there at his whim really aren't you? I mean he's still an arse for not listening to you and respecting you, but legally no you haven't a leg to stand on.
Are you planning to get married (assuming you want to work through his disrespect problem)? If so that will give you a lot more security. If not, get back to work asap, and start saving as much money as you can, so that if your relationship breaks down you are not left with literally nothing.
Sorry to be so blunt! Hope you manage to find a way through xx

PerveenMistry · 17/03/2021 11:58

@Chocolateicelolly

When I approached the subject he snapped and said " well I dont want anyone over then, nobody can come over " then threatened to cancel the whole move/sale ! And told me I'm making it all what I want, I've only asked for one thing and that was for it to be for us to have that moment not him and his mum.

As for her having dd I can't trust her as awful as that sounds, she doesn't respect me and doesn't listen and understand that dd has several allergies so I'd be on edge all day worrying she's being given something she can't have because his mum doesn't listen to me.
She also forced herself and her dog over when dd was a baby when I said I didn't want dd near their dog as she has tendencies to snap, she waltzed in the house with the dog and completely ignored my wishes, and he allowed it too!

Also it's his house, completely his, I'm not on the deeds or mortgage so can I still put my foot down ? Or haven't really got a leg to stand on ?

Sounds as if nobody in that family respects you, including your husband.

What is your age, OP? And why aren't you a co-owner of the house?

Dazedandconfused2021 · 17/03/2021 11:58

I've never heard of anyone visiting people the day they move house. Unless helping with the move but that's not a visit. Why does your DP want them to visit the day you move?

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 11:58

I've come off the mortgage because I owned a tiny fraction to what he owns and I felt that if it didn't work out ( were moving for a fresh start to see if we can sort it out ) then I've got a bit of money in my bank to private rent with dd if it doesn't work out, hence why I'm trying to avoid problems but by cutting out some of the problem I've created one, by owning only a fraction I mean under 7000, if I wanted to leave he would refuse to buy me out so this way I'm not so trapped if I can't take anymore of it if that makes sense

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 17/03/2021 12:03

@Chocolateicelolly

I've come off the mortgage because I owned a tiny fraction to what he owns and I felt that if it didn't work out ( were moving for a fresh start to see if we can sort it out ) then I've got a bit of money in my bank to private rent with dd if it doesn't work out, hence why I'm trying to avoid problems but by cutting out some of the problem I've created one, by owning only a fraction I mean under 7000, if I wanted to leave he would refuse to buy me out so this way I'm not so trapped if I can't take anymore of it if that makes sense
If you are already thinking that you need to keep your money to move out and rent, why are you bothering to move in with him at all. This relationship seems doomed and if I were you I'd be making a break. Let him off to live his life with his mammy dropping into his house when she wants. You realise he will always see it as his house so what you want won't matter.
GroggyLegs · 17/03/2021 12:07

Sorry to be blunt, but having read your last post, the house is not the problem here.

You're moving the issue 30 minutes down the road to a new address.

HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 12:17

The thing is that you two might break up in ten or twenty years, and he'll have a house and you won't.

I think this is something you need to seriously think about for the future, so that you're not as vulnerable as you are now.

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 13:41

Can I still say no to them coming on the moving day?

OP posts:
Satis · 17/03/2021 13:55

OP, are you married?

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 13:57

No not married

OP posts:
JustDespair · 17/03/2021 14:03

Oh Op, this doesn't sound good at all. It's all his house, he makes threats if you don't fall in line with what him and his mummy wants? Sad

Are you even happy with this man?

Satis · 17/03/2021 14:25

If your partner won't get legally married to you under UK law, you should ask your solicitor what to do. Leaving him might be your best option, because he clearly doesn't have your interests in mind.

mummywithhermini · 17/03/2021 14:29

Is 30 mins away actually
far enough? Maybe you need to be in a different country.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 17/03/2021 14:50

@Chocolateicelolly

Partner says he sees no wrong in them coming the same day and is happy for them to come same day and that we are moving forward and should leave the past in the past and move on
You’re not moving forward OP, you’re just moving 30 minutes away, nothing will ever change.
Notaroadrunner · 17/03/2021 14:59

Out of interest are your parents going to be there on moving day?

Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 15:00

No my mum will have dd at her house

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 17:46

I think when we moved in to the house now my family was told we had enough people to help and they weren't needed so they came the next day to see the house, was shown round and that was that. His family were heavily involved and take over too much

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 17:47

I remember my family member asking if we wanted her help and having to say to her actually we don't because his family and friend were helping

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolateicelolly · 17/03/2021 20:44

Thankyou for your replies it's really helped and I'm going to try and put my foot down on this one for once xx

OP posts:
LittlestBoho · 17/03/2021 20:54

Good luck OP but please remember that you're in a difficult position. It's his house, you're not married. If he wanted he could tell you to leave and you'd have no rights at all. If you have given up work or work part time to take care of your child then your career has been negatively affected but his is exactly the same. Plus he can't seem to cut the apron strings, imagine an adult man who needs his mummy on every moving day! It's a bit pathetic.

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