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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just accept that my DC hates me?

96 replies

LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 20:55

DD is 10 and has autism along with severe anxiety, social communication problems (she can talk but struggles to explain her feelings and control her emotions). I also have a younger DD aged 5.

I love her dearly and I always try to be patient but I’m not a placid person myself and I am really really struggling to find the patience and understanding she needs right now. (This is not new lockdown behaviour, it’s her regular self).

Every day (every single day) I am screamed at , shouted at , told I’m the worst person ever, told I don’t care about her , told I hate her , told I make her miserable , I ruin her day , her life is my fault....

Everything is always fucking my fault ! Even when it’s DH fault or her own fault . It’s my fault . DH let the cat out before she went to school this morning so she didn’t get to say goodbye, this was my fault and I was screamed at . When DH said it was him , I still got the brunt of it and was told I probably told him to do it because I don’t care about her.

Now I realise that this is par for the course with tweens and teens but this is different , it’s every day and has been for years. I can’t even ask her to find her socks without an argument where I’m told in some way or another I’m useless . She’s not independent and requires constant help or supervision with basic tasks and any request for her to try it herself result in more screaming .

If I try to calmly explain something to her, I’m shouted down, screamed at to be quiet, screamed at to stop talking whilst she screams her side of the “story “ but I never get to say my piece.

Nothing works , it’s all anxiety driven behaviour. She’s always sorry afterwards and genuinely remorseful but she’ll be apologising one minute and the next , it happens all over again . DH rarely gets this, it’s always me .

I asked her to have a shower or a bath tonight; she refused and it turned in to a battle (I can’t relent on personal hygiene) and she screamed at me with such vitriol in her face before telling me her life is so much worse because of me .

It cut deep and I lost my temper and told her not to speak to me. Cue more “fine you’d love that wouldn’t you because you hate me”...

She was again sorry and very upset ; she wanted a hug . It took all my strength to give her one because frankly , I didn’t want to . I’m so so drained and fed up , I didn’t want a hug.

I told her I loved her and gave her a hug but also explained I’m still angry and I can’t just switch it off . She was remorseful and very sorry but I have no sympathy for her tonight. None . There’s just nothing left.

Within 10 minutes, more screaming , crying , shouting needing more of my attention. I wasn’t very patient at this point .

I don’t get to settle on an evening until at least 8:45pm because she needs this or that and needs more hugs even if she’s had one; then of course her younger sister wants the same . Every minute I spend with her sister is timed and I have to go back and give the EXACT same to her. I go to bed between 9:30 and 10pm as I’m up early so my evenings are gone.

Tomorrow is a new day and more screaming will come but maybe I’ll be able to be patient, understanding and calm then .

AIBU to just accept the fact that she hates me and get over it somehow ? I do everything for her and understand her the most . Why is she like this with me but not DH?

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheBigNose · 15/03/2021 20:58

I don’t have any experience in this area but what jumps out to me is that she behaves like this with you because you’re her safe place. You’re her consistency. She knows you love her unconditionally.

Sparklesocks · 15/03/2021 20:59

That sounds really difficult. It doesn’t sound like she does hate you though if she gets upset and is sorry afterwards, is it possible she sees it as a way to get attention from you and a way for her to reassure her you do love her/get validation?

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:05

@TheOneWithTheBigNose I think you may be right and I tell her constantly I will always be there for her but tonight I just want to move far away ... by myself !

@Sparklesocks I don’t think she has the emotional ability to be attention seeking or manipulative. It’s pure rage and anger at that moment .

OP posts:
tulippa · 15/03/2021 21:05

Now I realise that this is par for the course with tweens and teens

No it really isn't. What is DH doing when DD is screaming at you? How often does he ask her to get a bath or something else that DD might not want to do?

Could DD be shouting at you because she feels safest with you?

Solasum · 15/03/2021 21:07

Would respite care be an option for you OP? It sounds exhausting and maybe a few days ‘off’ could help you regroup

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:09

@tulippa I meant the “I hate you and you ruin my life” remarks are par for the course . I know my DD behaviour is extreme and it’s all anxiety driven .

DH gets very frustrated with the way she is with me and he will try to wade in to look out for me but it just escalates the situation. DH will ask her to do things but it falls to me because I’m the only one who can do things the EXACT way she needs them to be done.

OP posts:
ludothedog · 15/03/2021 21:10

Op you sound exhausted. You really need to take some time out for yourself or you are going to burn out. It's ok to do that, it really is. Let DH take the load for a whilst, go and visit your mum for a few days and rest. Fuck covid rules. Your mental health is important too.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 15/03/2021 21:10

That sounds horrible. And so relentless, and there isn't even a trigger. My DD can be pretty mean and my DS sort of shuffles around the house eating and ignoring me, but what you're being put through sounds absolutely exhausting. I would go away for a night next time she kicks off. ''train'' her to be less awful to you.

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:11

I feel terrible writing it all down Sad I love her and she’s amazing but it’s ok for ME to need somewhere to vent sometimes isn’t it?

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 15/03/2021 21:11

Because you are her safety net, her safe place, her constant....and because your there (prob more than your DH) so you are the go to for her directing her frustrations.

This means that while she’ll obviously love your DH, her dad she sees him as more novel and occasional and perhaps less of a constant and therefore you are tge preferred safe space over him.

Really what it boils down to is that she chooses you and whilst it’s good that she feels safe enough to do that, sadly it also means you are bearing the brunt of everything.

I your shoes I would be telling your DH he needs to step up more with her and take some of the load off you. Also do that it can give your DD that things are aren’t so easy with dad either. He needs to share your load.

Clarinsmum · 15/03/2021 21:11

Have you heard of pathological demand avoidance? Some people with autism have this presentation. Google the PDA society and read some of the info. I know how you feel OP. Stay strong you aren’t alone.

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:12

Unfortunately we have no family near to us so staying somewhere else isn’t an option.

OP posts:
Diva66 · 15/03/2021 21:14

You sound like you’re at the end of your tether. I think you need to remove yourself from the scene, even if it’s just a walk around the block. Your husband can watch the kids for half an hour. Your needs are important too.

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:15

I should mention DH is very involved and he will always give me a break.

@Clarinsmum you could be right about PDA . I’ve briefly heard of it and I find that this happens as a result of us asking things of her that she doesn’t want to do but this can be something so simple it’s very confusing to us !

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 15/03/2021 21:16

agree with Clarinsmum completely.

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:17

@diva66 I’ve come out for a drive until she falls asleep Blush

OP posts:
Meruem · 15/03/2021 21:19

What leaps out to me is that she says you hate her. My DD has had similar issues. She’s 30 but as a child she could never handle me telling her off or being stern in anyway, as it would bring about massive meltdowns and accusations of me not loving her. Sadly she still has her moments. Just today she got upset over something and sobbed saying I think she’s a loser (I do not, and never give her that impression!). Her brother is diagnosed with ASD and I suspect she’s an undiagnosed case. I don’t even have any constructive advice, just massive sympathy as I understand how draining it is. I’ve managed to persuade my DD to try anti depressants to deal with the low moods, but it’s early days. However, it has improved a lot from when she was younger.

One thing I can assure you of is she absolutely doesn’t hate you. She finds life really really hard and in her heart she knows you are the one person who will always be there no matter what. So unfortunately you bear the brunt of her stress, fear, anxiety etc. Then she panics and thinks she’s gone too far, and the neediness kicks in. Is she having any kind of therapy? If there’s nothing in place I would suggest going to the GP and telling them what you’ve told us. However I do acknowledge that they’re not always particularly helpful, as I found out with my own DD.

SusannahSophia · 15/03/2021 21:21

I was wondering about PDA as well. My DS has ASD and can get quite angry with the world, but not too similar to your DD, but I used to support a DC with PDA in school and you had to tiptoe all around the bushes to get her to do anything. Everything had to be phrased very carefully to avoid the stress and anxiety caused by demands. It might be worth reading up about?

NicelySpicy · 15/03/2021 21:21

I don’t have anything helpful to add but wanted to offer a virtual hug and give you some support to stay strong. You’re doing an amazing job so be kind to yourself and her. Flowers

Nousernameforme · 15/03/2021 21:22

I can feel the exhaustion coming off your post in waves.
For what it's worth I don't think she hates you if anything it is the polar opposite. It sounds like extreme separation anxiety possibly with some awareness that she isn't the nicest to be around. Meaning she is worries you won't love her and she acts out through anxiety and it goes round and round.
If you can access it it sounds like she would benefit from therapy. We got art therapy for asd Dd from calms but there will be a wait.
In the meantime I would try love bombing big time. She needs to feel secure in your love. Take a whole day every weekend and an hour a night where you focus just on her.
Ofc you will then have to make some time for other dc as well. Maybe once she has calmed down eventually you will get time to yourself. Its shit but it's not forever

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:22

Thank you all for your kind words. It’s nice to have people understand and offer advice.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 15/03/2021 21:23

She doesn't hate you. She knows you are the person who will unconditionally love her and she can't help her autism. I have a friend in your exact situation. Her dc has smashed numerous tv's, phones, laptops. Is absolutely vile to her.. but the lashing out is part of their autism and inside is a scared child who struggles with the world.

I have seen her at breaking point so many times so I can understand how hard it is for you. Your daughter is likely to be hitting the hormones of puberty too now so I won't pretend it's going to get better any time soon. But she absolutely does love you. I'm sure of that .

Flowers
Sunhoop · 15/03/2021 21:24

Goodness that sounds absolutely awful OP. I was drained reading it so I can't even imagine what it's like to live through every single day Sad

I don't have personal experience with autism but my sister is an OT and works with children on the spectrum. Could it help to see someone like that to help her gain some independence with daily tasks if she won't listen to you trying to teach her?

I think you're going to have to put some more boundaries in with her for your own mental well being. The timing you with your DD2 and insisting you spend the same time with her is just too much. I would stop that, I really would, regardless of how she reacts. How much support does she/you receive?

I have to say you sound like an amazing mum. I have a 4yo with very mild sensory issues and I am not even close to as patient as you sound. Flowers

Original poster
LoveYouToShards · 15/03/2021 21:24

We are on the waiting list for CAMHS but with the current situation it’s taking a while.

OP posts:
SusannahSophia · 15/03/2021 21:28

www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

Some strategies on this website. She may not have PDA, of course, but trying different strategies may be helpful anyway?