To just accept that my DC hates me?

[LoveYouToShards]

DD is 10 and has autism along with severe anxiety, social communication problems (she can talk but struggles to explain her feelings and control her emotions). I also have a younger DD aged 5.

I love her dearly and I always try to be patient but I’m not a placid person myself and I am really really struggling to find the patience and understanding she needs right now. (This is not new lockdown behaviour, it’s her regular self).

Every day (every single day) I am screamed at , shouted at , told I’m the worst person ever, told I don’t care about her , told I hate her , told I make her miserable , I ruin her day , her life is my fault....

Everything is always fucking my fault ! Even when it’s DH fault or her own fault . It’s my fault . DH let the cat out before she went to school this morning so she didn’t get to say goodbye, this was my fault and I was screamed at . When DH said it was him , I still got the brunt of it and was told I probably told him to do it because I don’t care about her.

Now I realise that this is par for the course with tweens and teens but this is different , it’s every day and has been for years. I can’t even ask her to find her socks without an argument where I’m told in some way or another I’m useless . She’s not independent and requires constant help or supervision with basic tasks and any request for her to try it herself result in more screaming .

If I try to calmly explain something to her, I’m shouted down, screamed at to be quiet, screamed at to stop talking whilst she screams her side of the “story “ but I never get to say my piece.

Nothing works , it’s all anxiety driven behaviour. She’s always sorry afterwards and genuinely remorseful but she’ll be apologising one minute and the next , it happens all over again . DH rarely gets this, it’s always me .

I asked her to have a shower or a bath tonight; she refused and it turned in to a battle (I can’t relent on personal hygiene) and she screamed at me with such vitriol in her face before telling me her life is so much worse because of me .

It cut deep and I lost my temper and told her not to speak to me. Cue more “fine you’d love that wouldn’t you because you hate me”...

She was again sorry and very upset ; she wanted a hug . It took all my strength to give her one because frankly , I didn’t want to . I’m so so drained and fed up , I didn’t want a hug.

I told her I loved her and gave her a hug but also explained I’m still angry and I can’t just switch it off . She was remorseful and very sorry but I have no sympathy for her tonight. None . There’s just nothing left.

Within 10 minutes, more screaming , crying , shouting needing more of my attention. I wasn’t very patient at this point .

I don’t get to settle on an evening until at least 8:45pm because she needs this or that and needs more hugs even if she’s had one; then of course her younger sister wants the same . Every minute I spend with her sister is timed and I have to go back and give the EXACT same to her. I go to bed between 9:30 and 10pm as I’m up early so my evenings are gone.

Tomorrow is a new day and more screaming will come but maybe I’ll be able to be patient, understanding and calm then .

AIBU to just accept the fact that she hates me and get over it somehow ? I do everything for her and understand her the most . Why is she like this with me but not DH?

It’s absolutely relentless until you have experienced it every day for a long time it’s impossible too understand. Ds anxiety is through the roof at the moment. It’s not his fault (any of the situation) but OMG the impact on the rest of the family is exhausting. I literally dread him waking in the morning as I know the first hour will be hell. Once he has had his medication and it’s taken affect he calms down. I often feel like it’s trying too stop a tornado which is impossible with human hands.

I really feel for you and can see you are so at the end of your tether. I have an explosive child too and a friend who is a senco in a primary school recommended the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green to me. I would really recommend it. There is also a Facebook group called The B Team based on the model with about 40k parents from all over the world who are dealing with the same issues you are facing. It's really helped me, even just reading the comments by other parents. The Explosive Child recommends a different way of parenting which can be hard to get your head around, I'm still working on it, but it's essential idea is that 'Kids do well when they can'. They don't want to explode, shout, throw things, be rude etc but this is behaviour that is displayed when there is an expectation they are unable to meet. It's then about working through figuring out what these are and proactively working with your child tiny bit by tiny bit too come up with solutions that meet both your needs. I would recommend you take a look. It may help. You are in, what the parents in the B Team group call, The Pit, where everything is just too overwhelming. The only way is up.
I really feel for you and hope that you can get some good advice from this thread that can help xxx

Bless you. This sounds so tough. Look up SEND Station on Facebook. They do some great courses for parents and they're only a fiver. I attended a great one on PDA. Nicola, who runs the courses is amazing. Highly recommend.

I’m no expert OP but my 8yo has ASD and we’ve had a bit of breakthrough in the last few weeks.

It was a very small thing but my son came home from school one day and i was in an oddly good mood. He asked for something that I’d normally say no to. But I said yes. He was surprised but pleased. Then asked for something else later and again I said yes. I’m talking really trivial stuff.

He asked why I was in such a good mood and I realised in that moment that I largely say ‘no’ as the default abs push back on stuff that doesn’t matter.

It’s been astonishing. He’s calm, more compliant with things he doesn’t normally like, he got an achievement award at school for effort (utter fucking miracle).

I’m fiery. I’m quick tempered. I’m impatient. It’s taken a massive amount of effort to consistently keep calm but it’s worked very very quickly.

We’re closer, he’s asking me to take him to bed, he’s just happier.

And I’m talking small stuff.

Letting him have his favourite dinner two nights in a row. Staying up 15 minute later. Watching a film. Playing a bit of Minecraft with him. Watching some shit streamer on YT Kids.

Stuff like that. Really basic stuff that requires no real effort.

Try one week. One week of being calmer, easier, letting her get her way a little bit.

Worth a try?

That's good advice above. I do a lot of that, although the hours watching Roblox videos I'll never get back...

I have been where you are... it is unrelenting and devastating. I was taking the brunt of it too. We ended up with an ASD with PDA diagnosis. However, we implemented PDA strategies and the situation has turned around drastically, actually unrecognisable. Go to the PDA society, there is loads and loads of helpful info. there. It will take time, you may need a coach (which helps get everyone on board) but things can change.

I have no constructive input to offer, but you sound like a wonderful, lovely human having a terribly hard time and I really hope some of the suggestions here benefit you and your DD.

I suspect that the school situation is hugely contributing too. We also changed school to specialist provision. However, the real change was changing our strategies and possibly even more importantly talking to them at great length about what was happening to them and why (after the event) which took away a great deal of the anxiety.

Thank you for posting this. The amazing replies will be helpful to me and my dd too, as I suspect she has ASD and PDA. I hope this can help you too

This sounds so hard. You sound like her rock. She is pouring out all that anxiety to you. I can only imagine how exhausted you feel.

As Pp have suggested:

The explosive child
Yvonne newbold on Facebook
The volcano in my tummy
Harry Thompson pda on fb for a different insight.

All great resources

Similar situation here; I just remind myself every day I am her safe place, so I get the brunt. It’s because she loves you she is like this with you.
Sounds like you generally cope v well. I lose my shit too often. (Which I know I shouldn’t).

DD has just completed a course of 6 sessions, they have helped her ‘unravel’ the fog in her head when she gets angry. Keep pushing for help. Sending hugs x

The charity The Isabella Trust which supports parents of autistic children has some webinars coming up on PDA, run by the PDA society. I also found them really helpful about the sensory aspects of autism.

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

I don’t have any experience in this area but what jumps out to me is that she behaves like this with you because you’re her safe place. You’re her consistency. She knows you love her unconditionally.

This 100%. My DD is 14 and also autistic. Her behaviour isn't as challenging as your daughters, but DD needs constant reassurance, apologises for absolutely everything and has real meltdowns regularly because she cant understand her own emotions.

It is so hard, It drains you, it drags you down and it suffocates. But I am her "safe place". She knows my love is unconditional and I guarantee your DD knows too.

Do you think her anxiety might be made worse by sensory issues? I only ask as this is a huge factor with DD - if its too noisy, or too bright, or there are too many people, or she doesn't know exactly what will happen at any given time. If this is the case we found that ear defenders have made a huge difference, as has a weighted blanket - when things are really bad DD will lie in bed with her blanket over her and her ear defenders on and it gives her an actual safe space to calm down. It was just a thought.

It will get better OP - just hang in and remember how much you love each other.

www.happymaps.co.uk/age-group/primaryschool/primary-anger

I have one a bit similar. There is a video on here which I found helpful

PDA - sounds very much like this.

High anxiety results in high levels of needing to control

What are the main stressors in her life? What bigger thing is causing her to become more anxious? Can anything be done to ease issues? What does she suggest as causes and solutions?

Can your DH implement a daily night time walk at 6pm or whatever - small things to help her destress. Look into a daily yoga routine or daily meditation with breathingexersises .

Constantly give her choices between two things so she feels she has control. Porridge or cornflakes? Walk or scooter?

Ask her to write a list organising her morning routines step by step. DH can facilitate this without you. Laminate it and get a wipe board marker to tick or score things off each morning as things are completed. She can reorganise the order to suit her.

remove yourself completely if you’re upset or if present remain calm and avoid a stand off situation. Use empathy a lot, acknowledge how she feels ‘oh I can see that’s frustrating for you’ and explain the bigger reason for something. Ask her for different solutions to issues. ‘Of course you need to wash so that people can sit next to you comfortable but when would you like your bath? Yes I know it’s annoying, what can we do to help you enjoy your baths? After tea or in the mornings? Shower or bath? Nice smellies or audio story?

Also go out daily and leave your DH to it so that she starts to accept his support. He needs to have responsibility for specific things each day. If you’re not there eventually they will find a way together

Also look to build her esteem, acknowledge strengths or when she does things well. When she’s kind or undertakes things cooperatively. Be really positive about her in ear shot and to her face. Consistently speak to her with warmth and care regardless of her behaviour. Leave if upset and stop engaging. Take yourself off. Thank her sometimes.

My DD was similar but diluted...the screaming and abuse were pretty frequent and she was also violent. Now she is 21 she is vastly improved. I suspect (no, I know) she has ASD despite a diagnosis of not (her masking was done very well in all settings but home).

An odd suggestion....she had pet rats. These are incredibly lovely if you can cope with the minging tails and she would unwind with her rats running free more quickly and effectively. I would go in and sit with her and we would talk about her rats. I know animals are used a gread deal with very distressed kids...they give them an outlet to show compassion and they were literally amazing for my daughter.

I don’t think she hates you
But I do think it’s having a major affect on your own mental health and well-being
There was a really good thread with a
Woman recently in a similar situation
I’ll try and find it , it had some great advice

The main thing I’ve realised is help YOU first
You can’t help anyone if you are really stressed and low

Hang on in there , it’s the hardest thing

Bless you OP, I am in exactly the same position. I'm a single parent and my 11 year old dd is exactly the same.It's so draining. I'm waiting for her to be assessed for ASD but its been delayed due to covid.

It's so draining when you get this behaviour every day. It's hard not to get angry and snap back. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Been there, doing that, and worse, much worse, (but not as frequent which helps) we are gradually beginning to approach the point in the graph (neurodevelopmental team info) where the ability to control exceeds the meltdown. Just a couple of years ahead and you.

I dunno, why is it that people say you're her safe place, as if that excuses the abuse she is dishing out to you.
Women get abuse from men and children it seems. But it's all ok. You are their safe space, while you get worn into the ground.
I'm fed up with it all.

Love and hate are very closely related. She is expressing love. Not hate in reality. However she is doing so in this way so as to constantly check that your love for her is unconditional. You are right to say that it is very much tween/teen behaviour. But of course the intensity here is hundred fold (if not a lot more) because of her anxiety etc.
No word of advice here just know that her hate is simply love and her way of testing your own love for her...

Agree with @GettingUntrapped.

OP you need respite care.
In the meantime try to remove yourself as much as possible when she explodes, go for an impromptu walk even in the rain. DH will have to cope.

The respite people various agencies etc may be hard to convince- because they’re so stretched. So it would help if DH films her meltdowns so they can’t pretend that the situation is manageable.

I do everything for her and understand her the most . Why is she like this with me but not DH?

I think you answered your own question there!

I know what you mean about choices though - choices freak my two out no end. Trying to choose between a ham or cheese sandwich can result in my son having a screaming fit. His two main phrases are "I don't know!" and "I can't!" And once he is emotional, he gets "stuck". My daughter can still rationalise to some extent when she has lost it - for instance, if I offered her something like sweets or chocolate, she would be able to calm down enough to accept them. My son wouldn't. The offer would be one more thing to process, and would make him worse. I also agree with a PP about not fighting the little battles - the fewer rules my two have, the better behaved they are. But, they are all different, so I think the main thing is to find what works for you, and not worry about "conventional" parenting too much.

And it's not personal. I know that's the hardest one to remember. My daughter used to spit at me, which was probably the most difficult one for me to process. But someone pointed out to me that spitting is the simplest way to get someone to move back and give you space. She didn't know the societal context of spitting at someone, just that it got me to move, fast. We now talk about the things that make her go "kaboom", and it is very helpful for both of us. She can vocalise better when something is becoming a problem, and I (mostly) react quickly enough to avoid a drama. Although, having said that, whilst she is definitely demand avoidant, it's not in the same ball park as having PDA, so what works for us may not work for someone else.

for all of the responses . I plan to sit down today to research PDA, and plan strategies.

Her self esteem is shot so I’m always trying to build her up , praise her for simple things and explain to her that even though she loses control , it doesn’t make her a bad person and she’s amazing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make any difference but I still do it.

To the pp who suggested school is a huge factor you’re correct. I think it’s the main factor and we’re working on it but other than de registering her , I don’t think this will change things. We can’t home educate her for many reasons.

I should add I’m usually very resilient but after a week of being screamed at daily and feeling run down with a cold myself , her behaviour last night just made me so sad