To just accept that my DC hates me?

[LoveYouToShards]

DD is 10 and has autism along with severe anxiety, social communication problems (she can talk but struggles to explain her feelings and control her emotions). I also have a younger DD aged 5.

I love her dearly and I always try to be patient but I’m not a placid person myself and I am really really struggling to find the patience and understanding she needs right now. (This is not new lockdown behaviour, it’s her regular self).

Every day (every single day) I am screamed at , shouted at , told I’m the worst person ever, told I don’t care about her , told I hate her , told I make her miserable , I ruin her day , her life is my fault....

Everything is always fucking my fault ! Even when it’s DH fault or her own fault . It’s my fault . DH let the cat out before she went to school this morning so she didn’t get to say goodbye, this was my fault and I was screamed at . When DH said it was him , I still got the brunt of it and was told I probably told him to do it because I don’t care about her.

Now I realise that this is par for the course with tweens and teens but this is different , it’s every day and has been for years. I can’t even ask her to find her socks without an argument where I’m told in some way or another I’m useless . She’s not independent and requires constant help or supervision with basic tasks and any request for her to try it herself result in more screaming .

If I try to calmly explain something to her, I’m shouted down, screamed at to be quiet, screamed at to stop talking whilst she screams her side of the “story “ but I never get to say my piece.

Nothing works , it’s all anxiety driven behaviour. She’s always sorry afterwards and genuinely remorseful but she’ll be apologising one minute and the next , it happens all over again . DH rarely gets this, it’s always me .

I asked her to have a shower or a bath tonight; she refused and it turned in to a battle (I can’t relent on personal hygiene) and she screamed at me with such vitriol in her face before telling me her life is so much worse because of me .

It cut deep and I lost my temper and told her not to speak to me. Cue more “fine you’d love that wouldn’t you because you hate me”...

She was again sorry and very upset ; she wanted a hug . It took all my strength to give her one because frankly , I didn’t want to . I’m so so drained and fed up , I didn’t want a hug.

I told her I loved her and gave her a hug but also explained I’m still angry and I can’t just switch it off . She was remorseful and very sorry but I have no sympathy for her tonight. None . There’s just nothing left.

Within 10 minutes, more screaming , crying , shouting needing more of my attention. I wasn’t very patient at this point .

I don’t get to settle on an evening until at least 8:45pm because she needs this or that and needs more hugs even if she’s had one; then of course her younger sister wants the same . Every minute I spend with her sister is timed and I have to go back and give the EXACT same to her. I go to bed between 9:30 and 10pm as I’m up early so my evenings are gone.

Tomorrow is a new day and more screaming will come but maybe I’ll be able to be patient, understanding and calm then .

AIBU to just accept the fact that she hates me and get over it somehow ? I do everything for her and understand her the most . Why is she like this with me but not DH?

Just here to offer a bit of solidarity. 11 year DD (LD & ASD) can behave similarly and I'm run ragged.

However with the benefit of hindsight I think her behaviour peaked in the 3 months before she started her periods so that might be worth bearing in mind.

Are you in receipt of DLA for her? If so could you use this money to fund some respite care?
If not would you ask for an assessment for you ( as her carer) and for her from Social services?
I fostered many children on a short term or respite basis some years ago.
One thing I found helped was to never say 'No'. Most requests can be safely granted, maybe not at that minute but eventually so ' can I have a biscuit? ' as you're preparing dinner is ' yes of course you can once you've had dinner'. Said with a smile then turn away and leave no room for further discussion. If the tantrums them come just repeat ' but you can have a biscuit once you've had your dinner'
Sorry I hope that doesn't come across as hugely simplistic or patronising. I've now got a GS with ASD and I do understand the huge difficulties.

DH will ask her to do things but it falls to me because I’m the only one who can do things the EXACT way she needs them to be done.

So, as usual, the woman is the service human.

This needs to change first.

DH starts doing. And he doesn't just 'do' HIS way, or not-quite-the-right-way then it's a helpless shrug amidst the screaming and you step in... no, he stays and gets the brunt and has to manage it and adjust and you STAY OUT OF IT.

It's his choice whether to turn himself inside out to do things the exact way, or not. Hopefully he would be as you are, you say that he is a good present parent.

This is not attacking him or saying that he is the problem, it is the dynamic that is the problem and the dynamic is one propped up by millennia of women=serve, women=parent. And it's true indeed that DD sees you as a safe space, not someone she hates, and she doesn't prefer DH because she doesn't scream at him.

But the fact remains that you need a change of this dynamic otherwise you are going to start not being able to give any more, to give her what she needs. You said it yourself - you are empty. You didn't even want to hug her.

So - for your sake (as above)
And for DD's sake (it would not hurt her to learn that both parents can and will fulfil the closest roles and DH too can be that safe space) And for your DH 's sake (if he doesn't step up to this specific level now he's going to find he's got a wife having a breakdown soon)

... it all needs to change. So when you shut the door and let him do the dressing/bathing and it's a full on meltdown and you are tempted to go upstairs and continue the dynamic... don't.

@Missikat13

I really feel for you and can see you are so at the end of your tether. I have an explosive child too and a friend who is a senco in a primary school recommended the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green to me. I would really recommend it. There is also a Facebook group called The B Team based on the model with about 40k parents from all over the world who are dealing with the same issues you are facing. It's really helped me, even just reading the comments by other parents. The Explosive Child recommends a different way of parenting which can be hard to get your head around, I'm still working on it, but it's essential idea is that 'Kids do well when they can'. They don't want to explode, shout, throw things, be rude etc but this is behaviour that is displayed when there is an expectation they are unable to meet. It's then about working through figuring out what these are and proactively working with your child tiny bit by tiny bit too come up with solutions that meet both your needs. I would recommend you take a look. It may help. You are in, what the parents in the B Team group call, The Pit, where everything is just too overwhelming. The only way is up. I really feel for you and hope that you can get some good advice from this thread that can help xxx

I was going to recommend this book too.

It sounds so hard and you sound like you're doing a really good job and really trying. I don't agree with the idea that it's because you're her safe space and she knows you love her mentality. It's true. She takes it out on you because you take it. But that's not a good thing. She's capable of understanding that she's hurting you and knowing that's not OK. I think you need to introduce consequences for when she treats you like that.
Depending on what you want from her future, she has to learn she can't treat people like that. She won't be able to have a relationship behaving like that will she, no one will, or should, put up with being treated poorly by the person they love.
These things drive themselves, she's not in control of her emotions, that inability to control anger is the same inability to control anxiety. And she needs to learn how. And she can learn how. And the more she controls herself, the less her emotions will fluctuate and the easier it becomes to control them. I used to really struggle (also autistic) but when I gave into my anxieties, they just got worse, it's that decision to recognise it and stop yourself giving into it, that gives you the power to stop it happening.

I'd have a sit down at a calm time. Explain that her outbursts aren't acceptable, no matter how much she struggles. She wants to have a good life, doesn't she, so she needs to learn to control her emotions. From now on, her outbursts will have a consequence of such-and-such, she will get one warning, where you will remind her to calm herself, she needs to focus on her breathing and ground herself.

If you google the 54321 technique it's a good starting point and she'll need to adapt it to herself, for me, focusing on lots of senses makes me worse, I focus on slowing my breathing and pushing that energy out with every breath, and I clench my fists and lean against a hard surface and channel it out through those contact points too.

If she doesn't try to calm down then she has a consequence. So you're not punishing her struggling, you're punishing her not trying.

@springisintheair2021 that is one of the techniques we try to use

The issues we have mainly surround non negotiable things like personal hygiene, care, homework and such like. We try to negotiate where we can but it’s a slippery slope as then the anxiety just builds more for the next time it’s expected.

My daughter is very like this, at 11 and is now under the autism team for assessment. A friend with her own diagnosis pointed us at this web page, which may be of some help:

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

You say she isn’t independent and I wonder if this really frustrates her and her anger and hatred is really for herself but gets misdirected to you. The reason it is you not anyone else is that you are her safe person. It’s just an idea but could be worth exploring

I would ask for a referral to a PBS team if your area have one.

Hi op, can you use a picture timetable for her morning and evening routine? And reward her for following it? It may take some of her stress away if she knows what she needs to do when and has a visual representation of the tasks. Etsy and eBay have some great resources, if you search pecs autism cards or Tom tags. It might help to do a sensory checklist for her and find out what her sensory triggers are. Even little things like the smell of food or air freshener or cleaning products can be too much. I have found west midlands autism a great resource. They have a sensory toolkit you can purchase with information and comprehensive checklist. I second low arousal techniques, try studio3.org for information. A great book I read is autism: a practical guide for parents by Alan yau. Some really helpful tips in there. My son is five and struggling with communication and sensory issues. for you because it's so hard.

I ring my child up, from downstairs... and text them. sometimes I ask them to do something by text... sometimes I ask whether they have done something by text. seems to be less intrusive... I ring them every morning to see ifg they want breakfast... the ringing wakes them back up after I have delivered phone from charging.

works mostly for us, not perfect but is less stressful for both of us. it only last so long though, soon I will have to find a different strategy. other people use check lists. some things are done for them. one didn't want help with packing bag, but worries about forgetting stuff, so it all stays in the school bag all the time.

you will find what works for you, trial and improvement.

and work on emotional regulation, regular relaxation activities, for one of mine that is foot massage...

One of the things that has helped my ds is learning a bit of independence. He walks ahead of me on the school run if he wants. He isn’t allowed too cross the road as it’s busy but he can wait there. He makes his own sandwiches, makes his own milkshakes, makes his breakfast etc. It’s really helped his confidence to do this.

I can relate to ALL of this, even the timing of how long I spend with the other children!!

My dd is 13 and I think she has ASD with PDA. Her social skills are good, which means doctors don’t see what I see... so no diagnosis yet.

I also have to deal with all of her meltdowns and get yelled at daily- my DH is her stepdad and he doesn’t deal well with any of it. I am often emotionally exhausted too- it just drains me.

One thing I’d say is that I don’t do what she wants all the time. When she complains that I’ve spent 23 minutes with her twin sister, and less with her, I will say that I try to give all my children what they need and that it’s all different. I tell her it doesn’t reflect how much i love her, if I spend a few minutes less with her. She’s gradually accepted some of these things.

I haven’t got much else to share apart from solidarity- I totally get you. It’s incredibly tough.

Can you get the school senco involved, they will also help with cahms, also speak to your local family services, they maybe able to offer some support. You can also push for EHCP which will give your dd additional funding for schooling, my dd is now in a specialist school which is great, as I know there will be no phone calls to go and collect her due to her behaviour, and she can't be excluded either

But it does sound exhausting and I do know that sometimes you just can't be empathic any longer. It's normal to feel like this from time to time.

You are doing an amazing job

I found sign posting helpful - 30 minutes is shower time - then asking what's in 30 minutes so they acknowledge they heard- 15 minutes - 5 minutes shower.

Too many choices or even a choice could freak them out if they were already stressed while calmly telling them such and such was happening and count down to it even now gets compliance.

Plus with DD1 ouside social group - guides in her case - when her socail group in Y7 and Y8 were being unpleasant with DS that wasn't the answer but realisng any time of time constraint freaks him out - but we don't have autism or communication issues it's more dyspraxia and sensory issues.

Also if they are shouting and not listening I will walk away - it's not common I'll do that but I will shrug and walk and it can be the answer they'll calm down and then try and make up with me.

It does sound like you are just really exhausted - which is understandable - maybe try and step back a bit - going for drives walks when it gets too much and then when you feel a bit stonger trackling SENCO at school and trying for more outside help.

Poor OP.

My point of view is from the sibling. Dm prostrated herself to make dsis happy. She displayed many of the behaviours of OP's dd, and it continued all of her life. And dm's life too. In spite of needing dm's 100% attention she told her all the time how awful and hateful she was.

Looking back, I wish fervently that dm hadn't done the "love bombing" strategy, and putting dsis above everyone else. A key phrase was, "If dsis says anything nasty to you, don't answer back and upset her" Our whole lives were dictated by dsis: don't do better than her at anything, be that at exams, jobs or a game of tiddlywinks. Every birthday (anyone's birthday) was all about dsis or she'd kick off and ruin everything. Another good one was, "Dsis, what would you like for Irma's birthday tea?"

Sorry to vent but I really hope that OP can find a way forward to make everyone's life better.

I got a five minute glimpse of bliss earlier when my dd was calm, happy, doing as she was told. Now she is back to stomping around, refusing to brush teeth, go to bed etc. I could cry !

Your DD1 sounds very much like mine. She’ll be 12 in a couple of weeks, and she and DD2 (9) are adopted (and also birth siblings). She has SEN; she has sight and hearing loss and she also has adoption related attachment issues and I’ve always suspected that she’s on the spectrum.

She used to direct all her anger at me as well, but my DH has had to be much more involved than me this last year, as I have long Covid. She’ll say things like ‘I’m the hated child and (DD2) is the favourite child.’ She’s also said, ‘You’re not my real parents’, which she was always going to say eventually.

She used to lash out at me violently, though this has lessened. She hurts DD2 sometimes, though. Mostly she throws things and breaks them; today she deliberately broke her glasses, and she’s forever trying to break her hearing aids.

I don’t really have much in the way of advice, except to hang in there. I echo what PPs have said, that your DD really doesn’t hate you, though I know it can sometimes feel that way!

DH needs to be responsible for some of her support without you. Don’t be around to get involved.

Get some respite for yourself.

Start talking to agencies about how she is with you and request strategies/help.

Let her choose the timing of baths and ensure there is some treat afterwards. TV for an hour or whatever.

Talk to the school senco about homework friction and how it’s damaging relationships. Then ask them to take over this in school time or in a school club.

Try a different approach. Stop prompting and organising homework completely. Tell her she is completely in charge of her own homework and if she needs help she can ask DH or yourself. If she doesn’t do her homework she will face the natural consequences from staff at the school rather then from yourself. Explain to DD that you are leaving things to natural consequences. You love her and want her to fulfil her potential but it’s totally in her hands.

Are you able to go privately with a good clinical psychologist specialising in children?

I have one with ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD (now an adult), and no way I would put up with stuff like this. We worked with a specialised clinical psych and most of it was around how we (parents) handled it and appropriate strategies at that age. It was later in she that the work focused on the child/teen re behaviour modification. We also saw a developmental paediatrician specialised in children with behavioural based special needs and they would get reports from the Clin psych. It all went to forming part of a picture re medication in our case as this was required.