To just accept that my DC hates me?

[LoveYouToShards]

DD is 10 and has autism along with severe anxiety, social communication problems (she can talk but struggles to explain her feelings and control her emotions). I also have a younger DD aged 5.

I love her dearly and I always try to be patient but I’m not a placid person myself and I am really really struggling to find the patience and understanding she needs right now. (This is not new lockdown behaviour, it’s her regular self).

Every day (every single day) I am screamed at , shouted at , told I’m the worst person ever, told I don’t care about her , told I hate her , told I make her miserable , I ruin her day , her life is my fault....

Everything is always fucking my fault ! Even when it’s DH fault or her own fault . It’s my fault . DH let the cat out before she went to school this morning so she didn’t get to say goodbye, this was my fault and I was screamed at . When DH said it was him , I still got the brunt of it and was told I probably told him to do it because I don’t care about her.

Now I realise that this is par for the course with tweens and teens but this is different , it’s every day and has been for years. I can’t even ask her to find her socks without an argument where I’m told in some way or another I’m useless . She’s not independent and requires constant help or supervision with basic tasks and any request for her to try it herself result in more screaming .

If I try to calmly explain something to her, I’m shouted down, screamed at to be quiet, screamed at to stop talking whilst she screams her side of the “story “ but I never get to say my piece.

Nothing works , it’s all anxiety driven behaviour. She’s always sorry afterwards and genuinely remorseful but she’ll be apologising one minute and the next , it happens all over again . DH rarely gets this, it’s always me .

I asked her to have a shower or a bath tonight; she refused and it turned in to a battle (I can’t relent on personal hygiene) and she screamed at me with such vitriol in her face before telling me her life is so much worse because of me .

It cut deep and I lost my temper and told her not to speak to me. Cue more “fine you’d love that wouldn’t you because you hate me”...

She was again sorry and very upset ; she wanted a hug . It took all my strength to give her one because frankly , I didn’t want to . I’m so so drained and fed up , I didn’t want a hug.

I told her I loved her and gave her a hug but also explained I’m still angry and I can’t just switch it off . She was remorseful and very sorry but I have no sympathy for her tonight. None . There’s just nothing left.

Within 10 minutes, more screaming , crying , shouting needing more of my attention. I wasn’t very patient at this point .

I don’t get to settle on an evening until at least 8:45pm because she needs this or that and needs more hugs even if she’s had one; then of course her younger sister wants the same . Every minute I spend with her sister is timed and I have to go back and give the EXACT same to her. I go to bed between 9:30 and 10pm as I’m up early so my evenings are gone.

Tomorrow is a new day and more screaming will come but maybe I’ll be able to be patient, understanding and calm then .

AIBU to just accept the fact that she hates me and get over it somehow ? I do everything for her and understand her the most . Why is she like this with me but not DH?

I have an autistic child too but as I was reading your op, I thought to myself that your dd sounds very demand avoidant so I would agree, looking into PDA and trying the management strategies recommended are worth a try.

We've been through a really rough patch with ds in the past and actually we're in a really good place and enjoy each other's company now etc so I do believe things can change and get better - it's just in a different way to parenting NT children.

I will read up on PDA (thank you for the links, I’ll read up tomorrow) and I’m going to keep a diary for our appointment with CAMHS (eventually) to see what support they can offer.

The main thing I used to try was giving choices to give the DC I worked with a feeling of having some control. Lots of negotiation. It was very different to dealing with my own DS.

Is she at a specialist school, OP? I used to teach children like your daughter (but usually with less speech and ability to express themselves). I had so much respect and sympathy for their parents. I couldn't, and still can't, imagine how they managed day in day out.

I can only suggest contacting every possible support group, and looking into respite care. This is obviously agonising for you all, and your other daughter is obviously struggling too. If her school has a family worker, absolutely pump them for contacts and support.

I could have written your post about 8 months ago. My daughter diagnosed ADHD, working diagnosis of ASD (awaiting full assessment)

Yes you are her safe space and it is because you will always love her that she feels able to vent with you. It is a compliment, but does not feel like one.

My daughter (who is also 10) has always been like a bottle of pop, shaken all day while she has to behave in school 'masks' then at home the bottle explodes, and little thing will set it off.

She has sensory issues, social problems, can not control her emotions.

I did some amazing online training on autism run by the council, it included a session on PDA which was really useful.

We have had to adapt the way we parent a lot and it has helped me and her (as well as me going on anti depressants which have really helped me stay calmer)

The training is still available to access, if you would like details please PM me your email address and I will send you link.

They do not mean to act the way they do. Sorry it is so tough for you at the moment, hope it gets better

Sending you too. I have this with a teen ASD child and it is exhausting. We are really lucky and have a lot of CAMHS support. I’ve found the self-soothing techniques useful for both of us and my child responds well to tight hugs, noise-cancelling headphones and a weighted blanket. Like you, I’m not inclined to take shit from people and being treated like this is hard. However, I have found that staying silent and walking away works better than me responding verbally - often she’ll come around quicker. I have worked with some PDA children and reading up on the strategies helped, as did learning about low-arousal techniques.

Eg, instead of simplifying language like with my DS ‘first shower then story’ etc, it would be more, ‘when you have your shower, which shampoo do you want to use? The strawberry or the coconut?’

You sound amazing to have dealt with this for so long. I hope you find something that helps.

Oh gosh OP I have nothing helpful to add except to say I feel so sorry for you and your family and it sounds like you are a lovely mum doing an amazing job. Note I didn't say a perfect job - you are entitled to get cross sometimes and I have occasionally said to my kids (after some hideous behaviour or other) that actually I am still feeling cross and do not feel like a hug 5 minutes later. I am not naturally patient either and it sounds like you are doing a better job than I would!

Also - I would politely but persistently push push push for support - from camhs, school, GP, anywhere else you can find.

Good luck, it sounds so hard.

@SusannahSophia we try the options and giving choices and she will just respond with “I don’t know” over and over so we get nowhere I will try the idea of saying “when you have your shower ....” as it takes away the choice and infers she has to have one .

@saraclara she’s in mainstream and it’s a disaster but that’s a whole other thread. We’re working on it.

@Brownieleaderaa I’ve just googled our local council and ASD support ; I had no idea there were training courses run by the council . I’ve noted a contact number and will call tomorrow . I suspect they’ll be suspended due to the current situation but I’ll ask to be contacted when they’re running again .

@Wavingnotdrown1ng low arousal techniques added to my list

I feel for you my ds is autistic and has ADHD and I love him dearly but he is exhausting. I am worn out mentally, physically and emotionally as is his dad. His behaviour is anxiety driven too and it feels like everything is a battle. We have no respite from him and nobody to take him. He argues with us daily, refuses to do what we ask, screams, shouts, doesn’t listen, runs around the house loads, refused to do what we ask and every morning he wakes up in a foul mood and takes it out on us. You need to take yourself for a walk, let your dh deal with her at times and try to find something that relaxes you. Hugs to you.

@PlanetPuddle thank you; I certainly don’t feel amazing and sometimes I am not the most patient

You're an absolutely wonderful human being, OP. It's amazing that after these terrible outbursts she comes to you for hugs and comfort and you provide them. She loves you, you're her rock, her safe place.

I wonder if services and supports can help her cope better if things are not exactly how she likes. I'd imagine her anxiety makes her want to control everything and have things just so. You remind me of a breastfeeding mother as nobody else can feed the baby in those early days and weeks, but you've been doing this for years. You are amazing. And she would be so less able to cope if it wasn't for you and everything you do to help her.

Op get this moved to the special needs section ...........

She doesn't hate you.......you are her safe space and where she can express her emotions.

You need to be able to vent and learn strategies to cope.

@DisappearingGirl thank you for your kind words.

@Fundays12 it’s relentless isn’t it? So so exhausting and draining and it strains the whole family. I know it’s not their fault but it’s an outright lie to pretend it doesn’t affect everyone in the household

@Brownieleaderaa any chance you could send me the link too please?
Not to high jack the thread but I have three children 1 diagnosed with asd and pda and 1 other suspected. My dd who is diagnosed does all what your dd does but is violent as well, and I mean violent. Not at school - absolute queen masker but to me and her siblings. Camhs couldn't care less if they tried. It's always MY fault, everything. I am battling the worst mental health myself and have almost had a breakdown. I get sworn at spat at kicked and punched and I'm bloody exhausted. Like you no family to help, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. So I hear you and just wanted to say there are others out there than will listen and know what you are going through. The pda society have some good info, about not making demands but it's hard when they have been masking all day in school as the damage has been done. I try to give two choices to my dd so she feels she is in control and I have planners and visual aids galore. It's a daily battle and I fully empathise with you x

This could have been me writing this ! My dd is 9 and going through ASD diagnosis at the moment. She is sometimes very angry and explodes at me, I'm a single mum so she has no one else to lash out at but it's so hard and draining and sometimes I dread waking up. She refuses to brush her teeth or get ready for school, I called the sen team on Friday morning after the worst meltdown ever on Thursday night and said I was struggling to cope and at the end of my tether, they are meeting me on Friday. I wish there was more/help/support out there or knowing where to find it.

Op sending a hug. My asd daughter is very similar . And will not do a thing for herself. Constantly screams and swears at me. This too has been going on for years. She is 13.

I know how draining it is. I usually get to sleep abt 12-1am then up at 6. It is tough.

Dc and I are on our own as I am divorced. My exh does not have kids over night as he cant cope with them and they cant cope with him.
I had them texting me this evening when they were with him struggling to cope with seeing him.

I havent got much advice but this is what I do have.

You are stronger than you think and you can do this

Each day is a new day a new beginning

It is important you get to have a bit of me time everyday

Take one day at a time

Put some boundaries in

Eg your child calls you a bad name or hates you.
You reply by saying something like this
'So you hate me, well I dont hate myself.'
Then you walk away

Also and this is really hard and while I can manage to do it in the day time. I cant seem to stretch myself to do it in the evenings as you know how it is you are at the end if your tether by then. Bedtimes here are horrendous every night.

You walk away when they are verbally going for you or you ask them to go to their bedroom and calm down. Tell her she can come out when she is really calm. Not a little calm but where nothing will set her off.

If she is in her room calming down but you are still cross with her. You could take her a drink of squash or hot chocolate or milk etc and just sit it next to her and walk away. To show you are still there for her and love and think about her but do not engage in conversation.

Later on you talk to them about what they did. And explain that the behaviour is not acceptable and why.

I also put a consequence in at this point if necessary.

But they dont hear you when they are screaming at you because they are not regulated.

Calming down in their room or on their own regulates them.

It would be good to try and sit down with your dp and tell him how it is. And try and suggest you work in her behaviour together.

Hope this helps

If anyone has children that are violent Or have challenging behaviour I can fully recommend Yvonne newbold (she's on fb) all her info is free!!!! She has given me some very clever strategies and the group page is a very safe place to vent. Different things work sometimes on different days or sometimes not at all. It's like a constant puzzle with no solution and yet the family is all being held to ransom 😞

Wow thus sounds a bit like my DD, mine blames everything on me, won't eat anything I cook her, won't go anywhere I suggest ie to the beAch, into town etc. Makes me feel rubbish all the time, if I try to have a conversation with her, she says something sarcastic. She's 13 now and I got her counselling and finally she has started to look at things from my perspective and be a bit more decent. Fingers crossed your DD improves with time too

Just saw that MS school is a disaster....., the biggest changes at home for us came from moving to an ASD SEN school (which incidentally MS school said he wouldn't meet the threshold for and was unnecessary 🙄) - the effect on him was immediate. He gets loads of therapy, support and understanding as well as a good education and it's helped him develop and understand so much about himself which has had a dramatic effect on his behaviour at home. That was the turning point for us.

We have one of these and it can be awful . I found a local Facebook group through the PDA society website and they really get it. We are also on the waiting list for play therapy, which the place that (privately) diagnosed DD recommended.

DD also goes for me a lot and a recent fun thing has been ripping up greetings cards (Mother's Day, Valentines). Only mine though. Not DH's!

She's rarely remorseful but I have got some good tips on how not to resent her/feel suicidal from the books The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

I can't think of anything to help but just wanted to say...

YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!

I was going to suggest family therapy so great you are on the list for CAMHS - it could be a long wait. Are there any autism support services in your area? Sometimes they will offer family sessions or support for parents. You could also try and get some counselling support for yourself - as much as I agree she is taking it out on you as her safe attachment, it sounds so draining.