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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is here...

92 replies

MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 15/03/2021 13:21

For various reasons, MIL is here all week (help). We have a fairly good relationship usually, but don’t see her that often - which I think is key! I don’t always find it super easy having people in my home, and I feel like I’m constantly on edge when she’s here. She is busy busy busy, finding jobs and doing them, but WITHOUT ASKING, and it’s really setting me on edge - AIBU? I feel like I can’t do anything because she’s already there, and I can’t relax because she’s so BUSY she’ll think I’m being lazy 😬

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 13:22

If she's doing something you don't want her to do, tell her. It's your home, not hers. Time to make some boundaries.

TitusPullo · 15/03/2021 13:23

I think I’d go down the route of “It’s lovely you feel so at home MIL but please do come and relax, I’ll make you a cup of tea?” I know how you feel though, I would be mortified if (my lovely) MIL started doing jobs in my house.

Notaroadrunner · 15/03/2021 13:26

Tell her to sit down, that there are no chores she needs to do as you have everything done that needs to be done. Or go to the wardrobes, crumple a load of clothes and plonk her in front of the iron, pretending they were recently washed. Add a few crumpled duvet sets to the pile as needs be.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 15/03/2021 13:27

She has now taken it upon herself to do quite a nice job that I wanted to do and haven’t had time for. I know I’m being weak by not saying anything, but she is not the sort of woman who takes challenge well, she will just ignore it/get round it.

OP posts:
Atalune · 15/03/2021 13:30

Is this her love language all this helping and cleaning? If it comes from a place of love then I think you should be able to say something. Don’t be scared to do that!

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 15/03/2021 13:32

She’s definitely doing it because she thinks she’s helping, which she is - but I wish she’d bloody ask me! There’s an element of control and ‘she knows best’ which I’m struggling with I think.

OP posts:
PercyPiginaWig · 15/03/2021 13:32

Well you need to tell her to stop, it is your house.
Or do what we did and don't let her back in your house (over 4 years since MIL has darkened our doorstep, she keeps making hints and we ignore, ignore, ignore).

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/03/2021 13:32

It’s a week, I would just ride it out.

My mil is stuck in a different country we’ve not seen her for 14 months!

chilling19 · 15/03/2021 13:35

Give her all the jobs you hate. She will feel useful and you will avoid them. Win win.

Blacktothepink · 15/03/2021 13:38

She’s trying to exert authority over you.

whiteshark · 15/03/2021 13:48

@Blacktothepink

She’s trying to exert authority over you.
She,s probably not. She is most likely trying to be helpful.

My mum does this all the time, she always does the washing up, gets the iron out or grabs the hoover etc.

Its incredibly annoying and very easy to feel like she thinks my house is dirty. In reality, she just isnt the type of woman to sit down and have a cuppa, she would rather do something useful.

Original poster
MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 15/03/2021 13:56

@Blacktothepink this is exactly what it feels like. The attitude of she doesn’t need to ask me, because she knows best. @whiteshark I would feel totally different if it was my mum, which I know probably isn’t fair, but I’m just not that close with MIL to let this sort of thing not annoy me.

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 15/03/2021 13:57

Just go with it - get her to do everything! Thank her profusely and maximize what she does!

whiteshark · 15/03/2021 14:00

[quote MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]**@Blacktothepink* this is exactly what it feels like. The attitude of she doesn’t need to ask me, because she knows best. @whiteshark* I would feel totally different if it was my mum, which I know probably isn’t fair, but I’m just not that close with MIL to let this sort of thing not annoy me.[/quote]
please don't think I'm minimising your feelings. I would hate my MIL doing this, my own mum I can get over.

I just don't think she is doing it to assert any authority. She is likely trying to be helpful and missing the signs that she is over stepping.

I don't envy you OP. Just think it's only a week, hang in there and pour the gin ! Good luck.

Neron · 15/03/2021 14:06

Maybe she feels gracious for you guys putting her up for the week, and wants to earn her 'keep'.
I very much doubt this is a control thing, she probably wants to be helpful.
People would be quick to moan if she stayed for a week and didn't lift a finger. The MIL would be accused of all sorts then.

SplendidSuns1000 · 15/03/2021 14:09

When she does a job, say "Oh that's not what I had planned. Oh dear."

My MIL invited herself to stay for a week because she had nothing on while DH and I were very busy. She was home alone for most of the time and painted our living room for us in the wrong (very expensive) paint colour. She also took down a shelving unit in our kitchen and rearranged our pantry.

You need to set boundaries before your MIL turns into mine!

Donotgogentle · 15/03/2021 14:12

But if she’s staying for the week what plans does she have? I would have thought pitching in with chores was something to keep busy with.

I’d direct her towards things which you need help with.

Thatwentbadly · 15/03/2021 14:13

Write her a list of jobs.

Toilenstripes · 15/03/2021 14:17

Yes, definitely write her a list of jobs! Take control of the situation so it works out best for you. This is your house!

Devlesko · 15/03/2021 14:20

Gtit your teeth and bare it for the week, lovely to have so much help.
At least you get on well, couldn't stand more than a day with mine. Certainly couldn't have her staying a week.

Biffbaff · 15/03/2021 14:20

My MIL once cleaned out our kitchen oven extractor when she was staying a couple of nights. No idea why she felt the urge but crack on, love! Saved me a job! I get what you mean though, it feels like they are pulling rank about who is the mother while they are there.

2bazookas · 15/03/2021 14:22

Write a list of jobs you do want her to do.

"Take dog/baby for long walk" could be at the top

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 15/03/2021 14:23

Feeling territorial is understanable, but just let her get on with it. It keeps her out of your hair and at least some of it will save you a job.

Don't see it as you letting her walk over you. It's just keeping the peace until you can get rid of her, because you'll be even more uncomfortable if there's an atmosphere.

Champenoise · 15/03/2021 14:23

Give her all the shit jobs you hate doing and let her get stuck in. Could she weed the garden or is there a drain that needs unblocking? Tidy the kids wardrobes or toys? Don't let her cherry pick the best jobs!

LookItsMeAgain · 15/03/2021 14:24

You say she is your MiL - where is your other half on this? Are they out working when you are working from home? You need to either mention it to you your other half or directly to Mil. If you mention it to your other half, they can talk to their mother and it shouldn't reflect poorly on you.

Couch it in terms of you appreciate her doing X, Y or Z but you have been waiting to get the time off to do it yourself and you were looking forward to doing it. Now you won't be able to enjoy doing X, Y or Z because she will have done it for you.
Or say "While it's lovely to see you again MiL after so long, I'd really rather you just relaxed and didn't do X, Y or Z. It feels intrusive and I'd really rather you didn't do it."

I know if a relative came to stay and started reorganising my kitchen drawers for example (they are very untidy and do need to be cleared of old user manuals for kitchen appliances that we've since replaced) I would be very offended (genuinely) that they thought they could go through my stuff and throw stuff out. Some people might appreciate it but not me.

Have a conversation and see how you get on.