MIL is here...

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

For various reasons, MIL is here all week (help). We have a fairly good relationship usually, but don’t see her that often - which I think is key! I don’t always find it super easy having people in my home, and I feel like I’m constantly on edge when she’s here. She is busy busy busy, finding jobs and doing them, but WITHOUT ASKING, and it’s really setting me on edge - AIBU? I feel like I can’t do anything because she’s already there, and I can’t relax because she’s so BUSY she’ll think I’m being lazy 😬

YANBU I have a similar family member, my advice is to use the time they are here to tackle all the jobs you have been pushing forward: deep clean of different areas like freezer/inside cupboards, re-organize your pantry, sort out DC’s clothes...
You’ll rest when they leave and at least these jobs will be done :)

@dottiedaisee

So what actual jobs is she doing? I cannot think of any jobs around my house that I actually enjoy!

Same here. I wish she’d come and stay here for a week!

@MotherOfCrocodiles

How many of us would go round to MIL's house and decide to clear out the cupboards/clean the fridge without being asked? I think most of us wouldn't because we'd feel it was overstepping - in my MIL's house you are barely allowed to make yourself a cup of tea.

Umm. I think I did? They lived a long way from us so we also used to go and stay for some time. And I had nothing to do (pre internet and smartphones, and I couldn't sit with my nose in a book the entire time).

My MIL was super easy and the most tolerant and accepting person I know. I probably took my lead from the rest of her family (inc many nephews and nieces) who all treated her home as their own, which she had always encouraged.

I probably asked first, but if she was out and we were in the house, I might well have occupied myself by doing something useful without asking.

My grandmother is like this. Once she stayed and did all my laundry, jacked the heating on with stuff on racks and radiators (no dryer then) and made a horrific condensation problem due to all the washing and couldn’t understand why I was angry and so ill - condensation = mould = asthma flare up and getting a chest infection. I’m sensitive to moulds.

If the weather was bad I’d hit the laundrette for the afternoon to dry my laundry. But didn’t have the money that weekend and she made a massive deal of me being a terrible housewife for not doing the laundry as it was made.

Well not get into her irate behaviour because i didn’t change my sheets for 10 days - again, laundry, cost, bad weather and it was only me sleeping in my bed so I didn’t change them so DC could have clean things.

I know how you feel. My MIL once weeded a long boarder I had sewn with wild flower seeds :( She was really pleased with her hard work :( I didn't say a word as I didn't want to upset her and I could see it had taken aged but, well, you know.

My MIL does this too and it makes me feel hugely inadequate. Like she’s judging me for stuff I haven’t done. I don’t mind them visiting (obviously they haven’t been able to recently) but I’m just like SIT DOWN and chill - I wonder how they’d feel if I started clearing out their recycling cupboard unprompted!!!

While I was on my honeymoon MIL came into my flat and rearranged every single room, drawer, wardrobe and cupboard. Including throwing out any documents that only had my name on it because her precious sons name should have been on them too. I had the flat before I met DH and hadn't put his name on anything yet.

Mothers don't stop wanting to care for their kids when they're adults. No-one should rush to assum that it's a judgement of them when a mum/MIL staying for any amount of time, starts wanting to do things to help.

Of course there are some difficult mums and MILs, and some who just don't think (the weeded flower beds!) but it saddens me that some posters don't have empathy for other mothers who just happen to be the generation above, and still want to help.

And yep, communication on both sides would avoid a lot of this. If you don't want them to do it, spell it out, kindly. And find then something else if they're feeling bored or awkward about having nothing to do.

Cocolapew

did you ever speak with her again?! That's beyond disgusting!

Stupidly yes, though we never got on. We barely tolerated each other. Neither me or DH has spoken to her for a few years now.

I would write 2 lists

Jobs to be done

Jobs that must not be done

Then at least you can write down jobs you absolutely would be furious if she did them like tidying bedroom drawers.

@saraclara I’m sorry, but I don’t agree. Of course they don’t stop caring, but their children are now adults. Adults with their own homes and relationships. Unless there is a particular issue (additional needs etc) there is just no excuse, ever, for unsolicited ‘helping’

@saraclara

Mothers don't stop wanting to care for their kids when they're adults. No-one should rush to assum that it's a judgement of them when a mum/MIL staying for any amount of time, starts wanting to do things to help.

Of course there are some difficult mums and MILs, and some who just don't think (the weeded flower beds!) but it saddens me that some posters don't have empathy for other mothers who just happen to be the generation above, and still want to help.

And yep, communication on both sides would avoid a lot of this. If you don't want them to do it, spell it out, kindly. And find then something else if they're feeling bored or awkward about having nothing to do.

@saraclara but it saddens me that some posters don't have empathy for other mothers who just happen to be the generation above, and still want to help No, sorry, but the 'older generation' don't get a pass. There are some things that are plain rude (such as doing anything around the house without asking), it is about manners, and the MIL's generation does not get a pass for being rude and ill-mannered.

Grownup children have a right to privacy. This is basic common sense and common courtesy.

I'd find this stressful too. Good luck OP! Could you get her stuck into some jigsaw puzzles or knitting or something that would keep her busy, but in one place?

Blacktothepink

“She’s trying to exert authority over you.“

Or maybe trying to help?
If you’re uncomfortable, just tell her.

OMG I also have a good relationship with my mother in law but could have written this myself. I deal with it by giving her jobs that are genuinely useful like ironing, sending her out with a shopping list, cooking etc and also by going out myself and drinking wine. Try not to feel obliged to stay busy just because she is. It's difficult being a mother in law and getting the balance right, always bear in mind that she probably means well.