MIL is here...

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

For various reasons, MIL is here all week (help). We have a fairly good relationship usually, but don’t see her that often - which I think is key! I don’t always find it super easy having people in my home, and I feel like I’m constantly on edge when she’s here. She is busy busy busy, finding jobs and doing them, but WITHOUT ASKING, and it’s really setting me on edge - AIBU? I feel like I can’t do anything because she’s already there, and I can’t relax because she’s so BUSY she’ll think I’m being lazy 😬

This would initially irritate me but I'm lazy enough to realise fairly quickly I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face and let her get on with it. Whether it's a 'nice' job (what's one of those?!!!) or not you admitted yourself you haven't had time to do it so who's to say when you'd have got round to it? At least it's done now and I would be getting through the rest of the week by staying out of her way as much as possible and looking forward to relaxing in my lovely clean home when she leaves. Sometimes it's easier to just think 'fuck it' and let someone get on with whatever they feel they need to do and it sounds like this might be one of those times, it will irritate you a whole lot less if you can twist it to a positive in your mind and let go of your annoyance although I realise that can be easier said than done. You can send her round here if that's any help?

I think that you should maybe try and keep yourself calmer regarding the helpful MIL. She is not showing any disrespect towards your housekeeping style, but just this way inclined,with wanting to keep busy,busy.. It really doesn't matter what jobs she tackles, unless she goes forth,and completely re arranges your entire house.

My late Mum , when visiting,used to like being busy and helpful in my home, but she did always ask,if it was ok,to do this and that.I just used to use this Mum busy time,and go and do stuff in my garden,,my favourite thing.And in the mean time, she had done all sorts of jobs. even some ironing,which I never did,, and she had to scrabble in the depths of my shed,and search for the ironing board,which was covered in cobwebs and spiders.

My late mother in law though,would visit,and just sit drinking cups of tea, eating biscuits, and smoking,,and maybe talk to our dog, who we asked her not feed with biscuits,which she often tried to do,

If she's one of those people who has to be doing and can never just sit down (exhausting, I know...), then give her more direction and let her go. Maybe pin a "to do" list of tasks you've never got around to on the fridge and then gently direct her attention towards her. My DM is a bit like this...it's a running joke between us. I have a whole list of tasks for when she next comes. MIL, on the other hand, enjoys a good sit-down, as I do. I "reward" her for not making me feel lazy with plenty of nice food, wine and no expectation to help with chores .

My MIL came for a few days and deep cleaned everything and honestly I was so grateful! Then again we have a young baby and had let the housework slip, so it was just a relief to have things cleaned. I'd probably feel different if I'd felt things were clean already!

Give her a list of things you actually want done, that way you get things done and she gets to help - which is what she wants to do.

You realise though that it is you thinking she is trying to assert control and authority. How much control does one get really by doing the laundry?

Note - my perspective may be different because I would have no problem with any one coming in to clean my house.

My MIL was the same. Used to really bother me but now I've learnt to put my feet up and accept her help. She loves cleaning and organising so I let her get on with it.

Make a cup of tea and put your feet up

Direct her enthusiasm into doing jobs that you need done but don't want to do!

My MIL loves to do jobs too. We found a balance after she saw that I had a raised bed full of dandelions (in my otherwise tidy garden) and sprayed them all with weedkiller without mentioning it to me until after I fed some to all of my pets (the reason I kept a bed full of dandelions in the first place). She now confines herself to loading the dishwasher. (The pets did all survive).

@Outbutnotoutout

Make a cup of tea and put your feet up

This

Can you send her round to me? I need someone to clean the inside of all my windows, then wash , iron and rehang my bedroom and sitting room curtains. And my cellar could do with a sort out too.

My MIL is the same, likes to clean our oven etc.. you crack on love! I'm one of those who only cleans an oven when moving out and get someone else to do it..
But I agree I am also on edge when she comes to stay.. I feel like I can't relax and always have to be doing something.

Does she really have to stay the week...presumably if she's in your bubble you'll have been seeing her anyway...if you are not able to talk to her and direct her to doing useful stuff...or get your dh too...then take a gadget and go for a lie down and watch a film and ignore her.....unless you've asked her to stay in which case maybe just find something you can do together

Feel free to send her to my house.

I think you are being unfair to complain about her without actually telling her what you want. Do you think she can sense that you on edge and uncomfortable when she is there? If so it’s not surprising she wants to keep herself busy. She isn’t a mind reader - you need to tell her if you prefer to save some jobs for yourself.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to sit around doing nothing with someone who basically would prefer it if she wasn’t there.

Did your husband invite her?

Why does she have to ask you and not your partner?

My mil does this. She means well and I love her but I don't want my cupboards rearranged. Now I save up all my odd socks for when she comes round and we sit with a cup of tea and a massive pile of odd socks and pair them up while we have a chat.

If my MIL is doing something that annoys me (which admittedly is rare) then I ask myself if I would be annoyed if my own mother were doing these things. If the answer is no, I let it slide. My home is also my husband’s home and it’s far more likely she’s trying to help that exert some weird control over her DIL

MIL is like this and I’ll be honest, I hate it. I really don’t want her to do stuff in my house, even if it’s well intentioned. I’d prefer her to ask first. She’s sniped at me for perceived laziness before so I don’t feel I can relax while she’s doing it either. I don’t buy the whole “just likes being busy”, I’m afraid - I’d bet large sums that MIL doesn’t do this round her friends’ houses.

My mil used to come and visit and wait until I was out for the day then ‘help’ by cleaning down the back of the couch, or (memorably) tidying my closet and drawers. She also did the laundry and had a good rake through teen DCs rooms while she was at it. This is the tip of the iceberg of some fairly crappy behaviour....I could write a book.
She now stays in a local Airbnb when she visits. She completely brought it on herself, I persevered for years, and I’m sad, especially as I have no family left on my side, that it has gone this way, but she is bloody awful, and having her in my house is unbearable. My DP did warn me.
I would love if she had just been a bit at a loss and trying to find a way to be helpful, we could have worked our way through that. I’d give a lot to have a Mil I could spend time with.
If I were you op, I’d think about whether you get on in general terms, if she’s good as a GP, if your DP has a positive relationship, and I’d be straightforward in your boundaries.
Say something like...’Mil, it’s making me really uncomfortable that you potter around all the time, I’m sure you’d feel the same if I was in your house, let’s have a chat about how we’d both like it to be this week and make some plans’. And then be really clear on what you want and don’t want, and if she continues, be firm in referring back to your chat ‘mil, remember our chat about what we thought would work this week? I’d really appreciate it if you could leave the laundry/cooking to me’ etc. It might be good to think up some jobs you’d really like help with...even if you need to invent them! My personal best was getting my Mil to embroider the kids names into their clothing...she loved doing it, and was happily pleased she had a skill and time to put to a task that wouldn’t get done without her. The kids were impressed, And it kept her out of mischief! I just provided tea and chit chat, and smiled and nodded when she was critical of my obvious faults in the sewing department.
Perhaps your MIL has similar skills you can tap into? Give her a meal to prepare, or darning, or gardening, or a pile of jumpers to take the fluff off, or a dog to walk, or something... maybe she could be in charge for a bit while you have some time to yourself?... best of luck!

If you have tried asking her to stop you need to tell her instead.

So less "don't worry about doing the laundry, come and put your feet up", and more "it's lovely that you want to help but I don't like other people doing my washing so please come and sit down instead" (followed by, "I've already asked you not to do the washing, please don't ignore me in my own home").

If you don't feel comfortable with doing this delegate to your husband. No one here can say whether she's trying to be helpful or controlling, but she's unlikely to stop if neither you or her son put boundaries in place.

So what actual jobs is she doing? I cannot think of any jobs around my house that I actually enjoy!

Hi OP, my MIL is the same and my gut reaction is the same as yours - I feel (rightly?) that it's all a weird power struggle for who is the "mum"-est out of the two of us... If she gets up at 5am to wipe down the kitchen cabinets she wins the most mum prize!

But I've got 2 boys so know my own future destiny is to be the MIL, so that's my motivation to to try to be kind - in hopes I someday get met with kindness by my future in-laws...

I know that she loves my DH utterly, would wind back the clock to the days she used to wipe his bum for him if she could, and loves our kids (her grandkids) almost as much. And I live with them and have all their adoration, and she only comes for the odd visit and misses them most of the time.

When I think about it this way, it lets me be the bigger person and smile and thank her for all the jobs she does, unasked. I don't care if she thinks she's showing me up or "winning", because it's my house and my family and sooner or later she goes home...

Incidentally, whenever I've not been able to stop myself and have said "honestly we've got a dishwasher, don't wash those plates", or something similarly incongruous, she's always been really hurt and grumpy. So learn from my mistakes and bit your tongue! She just loves to feel like she's helping, why take it away from her? If there is a competition, on any level, you can be sure that you've already "won".

How many of us would go round to MIL's house and decide to clear out the cupboards/clean the fridge without being asked? I think most of us wouldn't because we'd feel it was overstepping - in my MIL's house you are barely allowed to make yourself a cup of tea.

Also if it's out of hand you need to stop her before she does something irreversible - my MIL brutalized some shrubs in my garden and when I complained she got all hurt and said she was only helping and said I should have cut them (yes, if you like a garden full of tiny stumps with bare soil in between, which admittedly she does). So I asked her what she would think if next time I come to visit I go out and cut her garden whilst she is out, without asking. Maybe not very nice but I didn't want her doing it again, and she hasn't.