Page 3 | MIL is here...

MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 2021-03-15T13:21:17+00:00

For various reasons, MIL is here all week (help). We have a fairly good relationship usually, but don’t see her that often - which I think is key! I don’t always find it super easy having people in my home, and I feel like I’m constantly on edge when she’s here. She is busy busy busy, finding jobs and doing them, but WITHOUT ASKING, and it’s really setting me on edge - AIBU? I feel like I can’t do anything because she’s already there, and I can’t relax because she’s so BUSY she’ll think I’m being lazy 😬

Mrsbrownsgargoyle · 15/03/2021 15:30

Would drive me mad OP. I'd ask her to please not do things in my house without checking with me and that if she wants jobs to do please can she ask me what I'd like her do. I'd guess you're at least 7 years away from doing this. But the longer it goes on the harder it will be.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 15:45

Did you buy her a welcome gift?
Embroidery, knitting, chair upholstery, car seat covers... something that will look lovely in your garage front room and will keep her busy during her stay.

FlamedToACrisp · 15/03/2021 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saraclara · 15/03/2021 15:47

@Blacktothepink

She’s trying to exert authority over you.

Is she bollocks.

Good grief

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 15:51

I must admit their kids are still perfectly healthy, but their house is still ewww!

I am impressed you actually stayed there, you are a better mum than I am, I would have booked a room in the nearest hotel or B&B.

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 15:51

How far away from you does she live that she has to be there all week? I've noticed something with UK people that if rellies live more than an hour away (that's a regular work commute here), they have to spend the night, more than 4 hours away, they have to spend a long weekend to a week. Where I am driving 3 hours one way early in the morning and 3 hours back later the same day is common, hardly anyone stays over as much as people in the UK do, it seems bizarre that people can't handle a long drive. Even 6 or 7 hours then turn-around that the next morning is common here. Unless she flew in from another country, why would she need to stay for an entire week?

And why are the various reasons it's necessary? Can she not get a hotel? I would not accept what she is doing and this goes back to a previous post I made a day or so ago elsewhere about people on here utterly unable to stand up for themselves or lacking the communication skills to. To C/P my post from elsewhere (it was about MIL demanding to go on holidays with her son and DIL)
" But if people manned/womanned up and had these conversations and DEALT with issues, this board would cease to exist. I've never met people with a lack of communication skills. I really don't understand UK people - they seem absolutely unable to communicate or be assertive so they suffer and nothing is ever resolved. They avoid the issues and it goes on for years. They make things complicated when they really are not at all complicated and should be straightforward. Just FUCKING SAY NO, AND WHY. This site is bad for my blood pressure I think. "

Different topic but same theory. Your house, your boundaries, you say No. It's really that simple. I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my MIL or from anyone, but you choose to put up with it. Why? I just don't get it. A simple assertive "this is my home and I prefer to do this, please do not do that". It's not difficult!

Danny4445 · 15/03/2021 15:51

I'd love this. She can wash my windows and finish my Spring cleaning. If she wants to be helpful, give her a list.

SanFrancisco49er · 15/03/2021 15:52

It doesn't matter if other people are comfortable with their MIL doing this - the point is, you aren't! I wish I could offer sage advice as my MIL is similar but the best I manage is telling her not to worry and finding a reason why she doesnt need to do a job.
I find it smothering and irritating and am not apologetic for this as I think it's really rude to just start interfering in someone else's home without asking.

I also agree with @Milkshake7489 about having to start telling her. I have a new baby and my MIL doesnt listen when I say 'he's fine' and will say things like 'I'm going to pick him up anyway'
I will have to politely remind her that as his mother, if I say he's fine, it's not for anyone else to decide they know better - I find it really disrespectful.

I would like to add, I am not aiming this at MILs in general, I just have quite a difficult time with mine and how smothering she is so I can relate!

saraclara · 15/03/2021 15:55

Seriously. Communicate. She probably doesn't know what to do with herself in someone's house for a week. It's a slightly odd feeling to be a houseguest for that long with nothing to occupy you. And yes, she wants to be helpful.

If she starts doing something you want to do, just tell her. " Sorry MIL, I'd rather do that myself" and then ask her if she needs something to do and would like suggestions.

My FIL used to be a bit lost when they came to stay. But he loved ironing. So before they visited, I'd save mine up, and he was happy. He felt occupied and useful. Likewise my DH would usually find him some odd jobs.

saraclara · 15/03/2021 15:57

@Cokie3

How far away from you does she live that she has to be there all week? I've noticed something with UK people that if rellies live more than an hour away (that's a regular work commute here), they have to spend the night, more than 4 hours away, they have to spend a long weekend to a week. Where I am driving 3 hours one way early in the morning and 3 hours back later the same day is common, hardly anyone stays over as much as people in the UK do, it seems bizarre that people can't handle a long drive. Even 6 or 7 hours then turn-around that the next morning is common here. Unless she flew in from another country, why would she need to stay for an entire week?

And why are the various reasons it's necessary? Can she not get a hotel? I would not accept what she is doing and this goes back to a previous post I made a day or so ago elsewhere about people on here utterly unable to stand up for themselves or lacking the communication skills to. To C/P my post from elsewhere (it was about MIL demanding to go on holidays with her son and DIL)
" But if people manned/womanned up and had these conversations and DEALT with issues, this board would cease to exist. I've never met people with a lack of communication skills. I really don't understand UK people - they seem absolutely unable to communicate or be assertive so they suffer and nothing is ever resolved. They avoid the issues and it goes on for years. They make things complicated when they really are not at all complicated and should be straightforward. Just FUCKING SAY NO, AND WHY. This site is bad for my blood pressure I think. "

Different topic but same theory. Your house, your boundaries, you say No. It's really that simple. I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my MIL or from anyone, but you choose to put up with it. Why? I just don't get it. A simple assertive "this is my home and I prefer to do this, please do not do that". It's not difficult!

Generalising much?

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 15:58

with UK people that if rellies live more than an hour away (that's a regular work commute here),

pretty sure London and Greater London are in the UK, and it's a regular commute here too

An hour door-to-door would be brilliant actually....

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/03/2021 16:00

If she's there to help, you must have had something specific in mind? Tell her what it is.

Cokie3 · 15/03/2021 16:02

@saraclara Based on this site, not at all.

pigsDOfly · 15/03/2021 16:23

Who are all these mothers in law who can't sit still and need to be doing housework all the time?

I'm a MIL and it would never occur to me to go into anyone's home and start doing housework, or any other jobs.

It's normal, and being a good guest, to offer help when staying at someone else's house but to just do it without asking is rude and invasive.

I'd bet my house that they don't walk into their friends' houses and start tidying up or doing the ironing and so on; it smacks very much of 'I know best'.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 15/03/2021 16:31

I sympathise. I'm still furious that my ex's mother took it upon herself to machine wash all my delicate (and expensive) underwear. I cringe that she was going through it, and fume that it was damaged. Why the fuck would you meddle with your son's partner's dirty smalls?

Lumene · 15/03/2021 16:34

I would feel totally different if it was my mum, which I know probably isn’t fair, but I’m just not that close with MIL to let this sort of thing not annoy me.

Get your husband to talk to her.

noirchatsdeux · 15/03/2021 16:36

Have to agree with @Cokie3. When I met my partner, he unfortunately lived with his parents...and their house was literally around the corner from where he worked. We moved into a flatshare he found (London, so couldn't afford a flat on our own) but he hadn't done his research so a rush hour his commute was regularly over 2 hours. Even outside rush hour it was at best 1 hour (partner doesn't drive so all public transport).

All that year every time he had a early shift he'd want us to go around to his parents the evening before with the intention of us staying there, to get out of having to get up at 5am to do the commute...'luckily' his father dislikes me so it would get to around 10pm and he'd 'offer' to drive us back, making it clear refusing his 'offer' wasn't on the cards...stupid xenophobic homophobic racist brexit bastard didn't realise he was actually doing me a massive favour....

MonsterKidz · 15/03/2021 16:37

My MIL would and had done exactly this. She will visit to see us and the DC, and ends up spending all her time busying herself with jobs that she seems to find essential. It absolutely annoys me as she completely ignores the DC, doesn’t actually engage with them
or do anything with them but will go out in the garden
and start tearing down bushes or cleaning our tumble dryer vents. It makes me feel like she’s judging me for not being completely on top of all these things - which not because I’m over here actually playing with and engaging my children. She says she cannot just sit and do nothing and if I ask for her not to do a specific job she gets arsey and then says she’s going for a walk coz she can’t must sit and do nothing!! Drives me absolutely mad!

MirandaWestsNewBFF · 15/03/2021 16:39

@MotherOfCrocodiles

How many of us would go round to MIL's house and decide to clear out the cupboards/clean the fridge without being asked? I think most of us wouldn't because we'd feel it was overstepping - in my MIL's house you are barely allowed to make yourself a cup of tea.

Yes! That’s exactly how I feel. It’s not appropriate.

My mum does potter a bit when she’s here, but she’s never accused either of us of being lazy, and she sits down if you ask her too.

Daisy62 · 15/03/2021 16:57

If you can get her to sit down with a cup of tea, ask her what her relationship with her own MIL was like. It might be a really interesting convo. And might lead to a convo about her relationship with you, how you both want it to be, and how that might look in terms of helping amd guest behaviour. If she still has to be busy, does she like cooking? Would she fill the freezer with soups, casseroles and cakes? Or your DH’s favourite childhood dishes? I think it is different from being at a friend’s house... she may be desperate to be involved, to still have value in her son’s and his family’s lives. Does she sew, does he have any clothes to mend? Curtains to make? Seeds to plant? Pram to push while you have a sleep or do the jobs you want to do? She might also love doing something with her son on their own - the supermarket, a walk, cooking? I’m approaching this stage of life (as a MIL), apprehensive about getting it right, and would love to feel involved in some non-irritating way. Your relationship might become closer if you could speak honestly with each other.

deste · 15/03/2021 17:03

Some people come on here and tell us about parents/in-laws who come to visit and sit around to be waited on hand and foot. I would make the most of it, think yourself lucky. Some people just can’t sit and do nothing. I wouldn’t take it personally.

TheWernethWife · 15/03/2021 17:03

I've never felt the need to go round to my adult children's houses and wash up or get the Hoover out. Obviously I must be a lazy bitch.

nokidshere · 15/03/2021 17:13

Yet another situation that could be resolved with some proper adult communication. Either tell her to stop or let her get on with it.

1Morewineplease · 15/03/2021 17:17

The trouble with being a parent is that no one tells you when to back off .
It's hard and you don't want your children to make the same mistakes. Also, you don't want to seem like guests who just wait to be served. You always want to help take some of the strain away.
If your in-laws want to clean your skirting boards , then thank them profusely and let them crack on... one less job for you to do. Similarly, if they want to put shelving up, iron, dig out a border then let them get on with it. Just say thank you very much.
If they're intruding on your personal day to day life , like vacuuming, cooking ,toilet scrubbing then suggest a cup of tea and a bit of cake and a long chat.

Parents want to feel helpful with their adult children and it's often misconstrued as interfering. It isn't always.
Grab the help and just crack on with your lives.
But... you don't need this every day.

LadyofMisrule · 15/03/2021 17:19

I asked mine not to wash up. She ignored me.
I then asked her specifically not to touch my brand new, expensive roasting tin. She responded "oh, don't be so ridiculous, I scrub mine at home like this all the time" and proceeded to scrub it with an abrasive pad. It was ruined and had only been used once.

I have made it very clear that she is no longer welcome in my kitchen. (And yes, when I'm doing all the cooking, I do regard it as my kitchen.)